Guilty thoughts again re a girl

So i am still going up and down on this roller coaster. 

First of all this has nothing to do with bub. Just over 13weeks until we meet him and I honestly can't wait.  So excited about new born cuddles again and the tiny baby clothes etc! 

This is the feeling of just wanting a daughter. Its always in the back of my mind always something I am thinking about just sometimes it just gets me down. 

Which is silly! This is where the guilt comes in. I do have 2 gorgeous boys and another on the way. Recently a mum from Tyler's dig lost her daughter during delivery. Having healthy babies is the main thing I know this but I can't shake this want for a girl. 

In my mind I am set on having 4 so I know I have one more shot. I know I can give it everything I have to gender sway but what if it doesn't work? I should be happy its a healthy baby and of course I will be I will do this again. But knowing I won't have 5 will it be worse? 

the Ivf/PGD is something I think about but one is the cost but it's also that we can have kids naturally without issues why do I find the need to force a girl? I keep saying what will be will be an if its meant to be a boy then it is but I'm also a scientist and people have help to have babies all the time why can't I get help to have the baby I so long for? 

I think deep down we will do it naturally with the gender sway but I am already so nervous about finding out its a boy. Its years away and already I feel the anxiety from it. 

Just rambling now it's such a hard thing to explain. 

I am exhausted from having kids so close together but I know as they get older it will get easier. Once we have a bigger car adding the next child won't be hard well until school fees hit. Also having more kids means we are restricted for money available to each child. 4 was my limit but if its a boy will I be able to stop at 4? Will I ever get over this feeling? Agh! 

New blog address - massive vent added

So this is my new blog :) 

http://2bafitandhealthymum.blogspot.com.au/?m=1

On the family front bubba 3 is giving me a little bit of grief. Not sure what it is can't put my finger on it. 

Ok so I haven't let things out on here or a while. I wonder what is the point? Put it out there a few people in the world might read it, it gets it off my chest but it fixes nothing. This crap is like déjà vu and my head is about ready to explode. 

So the problem with bub 3 is my blood pressure is going up. I can feel it in my face. It's like a knot builds in my gut an my BP starts rising my face starts swelling and bam I feel like crap. Why is my BP rising? Stress! Of course! 

So B ceased his business about 3 1/2 months ago now. Said he physically couldn't do it anymore. Fine. U can't push ur body to do something it physically can't. I suggested he give anti depressants a go because the tiredness he is always feeling isn't normal. He was cleared of any medical issues. He tried them for about a month. Said they just made him feel dazed. Again fine can't force him. 

About the same time he stopped his business I found out he had gone on a gambling binge. Ended up being about $3.5k yay! Me trying to be understanding and supporting didn't lose it I swollowed the stress and asked him to see a councillor. Which he did again for about a month. In that month he took up drinking every day. Eventually I said we can't afford u to drink every day. He didn't listen until I said I wanted to join a gym which was $7.50 a week plus about $20 for crèche. He flat out said no we can't afford it. I made the comparison to the $50 a week he spends on alcohol so he stopped. Now instread he has taken op smoking pot again. wtf! I can't win.

So in this time he hasn't worked. He has gone for 2 job interviews. He has applied for a few more but the job market is really tough and he is putting in a real half arsed effort. He is also going fishing at least once a week for at least 12hours, he stays up late playing is video games and sleeps in until atleast 8am every day. 

As u can imagine I am or basically have lost all patience. Then today we get a bill in the mail an outstandig debt I knew we had for a tax bill from his business as his gambling splurge was out of that money and he had to pay PAYG on it. Basically in a nut shell it says pay immediately or it goes to the debt collector. 

Omfg seriously? He was supposed to ring say he couldn't pay right now what can we put in place? Obviously he hasn't! If it goes to the debt collector there goes any credit rating we had and any chance of ever buying a house again. 

On the money we get we are $400 a fn short on our bills so my yes my credit card is creeping up. 

I feel like I am losing my mind. A 32yo 16yo! I've given up saying anything especially now he is smoking again as he is completely irrational. I feel like I want to move out again. That's not fair on the boys though they love both of us and I couldn't tear that up right now. Wtf am I supposed to do?  Some days I am ok with ignoring it other like today it does my head in. I want to yell and scream at him until he realises what is actually going on. I just don't know how he can't see it. What happened in his up bringing that made him void to any responsibility? 

Ok head wants to exploid can't keep making myself more annoyed. 

Time for a new blog with a new direction and new focus

So I have neglected this blog for a while now and it's simply because I have nothing much to say. I tried to transition it into a fitness and weightloss journey but it's still the same blog. It is all about my kids and my journey to get them. Now let's face it my kids are fascinating to me but not so much for everyone else. Their day to day accomplishments are my pride and glory but once up to ur 3rd the days blend into each other and things do just seem the same from day to day. 

So I am going to start a new blog. I am still on my journey to peak health and fitness and am enjoying reading and learning of the best ways to achieve this so once bub is born I am ready to go. My new blog will follow my weight loss of course but it's more than that. I want it to document my journey on how I go about achieving these goals especially with 3 boys under 3. Being a mum is tough some days ur lucky to get a shower or even 1min to go to the toilet by yourself so finding the time to focus enough on urself to eat right and exercise is going to be a real challenge but its one I am ready to take head on. This isn't about becoming skinny it's about becoming fit and healthy so I can be the best I can be so I can get the most out of life. Be the healthy fit role model for my kids. Provide them with a healthy diet and lifestyle that will give them the best direction in life. Have the energy to run around with them and participate in life rather than be too tired and sit on the side lines watching. 

Sure they are just babies now and some times a toddler will only eat mac and cheese or tinned spaghetti on toast and as long as they are eating that's a great start but as they get older I want healthy food to be something they naturally eat. Not 2L coke and a pie. 

Being nearly 26weeks pregnant my little guy is still my top priority but again this isn't about fad diets and cutting out food groups so even though I'm going to continue to eat well I know he is actually getting the best nutrients possible. After about 2weeks of a debilitating migraine were I was barely able to drag myself out of bed I made an appointment with the chiropractor. Omfg that changed my life. I need to make sure if I am feeling that way again to get there sooner. I only need to go once every 6 months but the difference it makes is amazing! Being this sick though makes me realise how wonderful it is to feel fit and healthy and how lucky I am to actually have my health and that I should be making the most of it. 

I have a very long way to go on this journey and I am still hoping for baby 4 at some point. I will be returning to work 3 days a week if possible in September so that will add a new dimentions to it all but that is why I want to blog it. To document my successes and my failure because let's be honest I am sure there will be day I completely fall off the wagon but having this blog will help make me accountable and get me back on the path to success. :) once I have the new blog up and running I will come back and post a link. 

For those that have followed me on my Jounrey to creating my family i thank you and I will come back and update in here with the significant things like the birth of our little man and perhaps also document out gender sway for the next bub when we decide to go down that path. We have both agreed we want to put 150% into the sway this time so documenting that will probably be good too. It will be a 6-12month process to ensure we give it out best shot. 

Lots of stuff to happen over the next 2 years and I am actually feeling very positive and excited about it :) 

Constantly being tested

So for a while now I have been feeling really good. Back into exercising and still eating really well. I have put on a bit of weight which I am annoyed at but oh well. 

I was really coming around to the idea I 4 boys. I know for sure we will have a 4th. I just feel its in my heart to have another. 

I was happy knowing it would be another boy, we will still give the whole gender sway anothe go but I was so sure it would be a boy that I was actually not even going to find out. If u have 3 of the same the chance of another the same is very high. Simply means ur good at making one gender. I could see 4 boys, I had said good bye to the little girl and moved on. 

But then FB comes at me. I am so considering signing off for good! Saw pics this morning of a mum with 3 boys gave birth to her little girl. So of course I think wow it is possible to have a girl after 3 boys. the last few days everything girl has been in my face. I had been dealing well until that. Dropping Tyler at daycare the director was telling me its her daughters formal on Wednesday and she is on the formal committee and all the stuff that got up to on the weekend. I will never have that. The dress shopping the getting ready none of it. I am trying to forget about it but seeing as I always pictured myself with a daughter until recently I am finding that the strength and resolve I am trying to have in letting go is continually being tested. Why? 

I have kinda stepped back from the world a bit so I don't have to be bombarded with all things girl but I just can't get away. Is it ever going to go away or will I always long for a daughter? 

Number 4 is a while away I will be returning to work etc as we have to buy a new car no if buts or maybes there. Part of the gender sway involves me losing all my weight which I am super keen to do anyway. I know some people can make girls when carrying extra weight but going by the only time I know for sure we made a girl both B and I were a lot lighter. Bub will probably be around 2 when we look to go again. 

On other news bubba boy is doing great. Well I think its still a boy. lol I refer to him as him and he all the time and did so through out the 20week scan. I asked the tech to confirm she glanced at his parts for 1/2 of a sec and went yep boy. I think I saw his bits in that brief moment. I had thought I saw 3 lines earlier when she was moving around looking at the stomach and stuff but I guess it was something else! I couldn't imagine him not being a boy now. Especially seeing as he has a name lol. Over half way now. Yay bring on march, can't wait to meet him. 

Collapsible exhaustion

Days like today I honestly don't know how to keep on going. Today is a bad day. Agh

So this morning the boys were up at 3:50am. WTF that isn't even a time of day. Its Blake that wakes then but by the time I give him a bottle and he starts to settle Tyler has woken up and his pita patter down the hall and the 'mummy' wakes Blake back up so we are up for the day. :( yuk. So now I am super over tired and everything is simply getting the better of me! 

Being so tired I wonder how on earth I can do it again. I know on my heart I have to, 3 boys is uneven and I just don't like it. Is there light at the end of that non sleeping tunnel. It's not the kids bit it's the pregnant bit, the pregnancy tiredness I hate it. At some point do u get some normality of life back? At what age are the kids when u can do stuff easily as a family without having to take the kitchen sink with u. Without having at least one lose it while ur out. 

Yesterday Tyler decided to run full pelt down an escalator I yelled at him to stop but it was too late. Needless to say he didn't win that fight. Cuts and bruises every where. 

Blake is teething so cries and whinges all day. Less sleep too. I thought he would have dropped to 1 day nap by now but nope and his naps are short he wakes up

Crying and still tried but will never go back to sleep. I'm thinking if he slept less during the day he would sleep longer at night and not was up at 3:50am. But when he does wake at that time there is no way he can't have that 8am nap. 

Then there is B. Agh over 2 months of not working and its beginning to do my head in. We have no money I feel like we are going no where. I hate this rental i would love to get excited about this little man and make his room his but u can't do much in a rental. We already have the furniture etc. Then its Blake's birthday in 4 weeks but again I can't do much about his big boy room. Tyler's big boy room is still unfinished and that's due to no money. 

There are no jobs out there but why can't he think long term? Put somethig into place now it might not start off earning much but u can build up from there. A dead end job is just that crap wage going no where. All we do is fight about it because I am pushing him all he wants to do is go fishing, watch tv, sleep and play video games. Well glad someone can have a holiday! 

I get no sleep no time to myself, 2 clingy whingy kids and I also have to stress about how we are going to pay bills. I have a 2 year old a nearly 1 year old and a 16year old. 

We sold our house because B went into business and now that's gone we have no house and equity no assets. All the work i did to build up to where we were gone! :( we live out here why? Its 2-3hours drive for me to get the high paying jobs again. Its expensive here due to it being on the bay and out of the city but still close to it. I want to move to the coast for lifestyle we don't like the city life and I'm happy to live and work to suit our lifestyle I don't need the big house an fancy car. Just don't know why we live here b just refuses to move why? 

I have a plan and I still want to do it all just days like today I wonder why it has to be so hard. I always worked hard saved money now I have nothing :( 

Ok going around in circles so stopping now. Making myself more annoyed. 

Busy bee with a plan

So much has been happening but nothing all at the same time. 

Tyler - super sooky 2 year old. He went through a couple of weeks of insane tantrums. No idea what it was about but thinking it was a mental growth spurt for him like everything flooding in was just too much sensory overload. He is fine now though strings 5-6 words together knows most of his colours, can count to six. Babbles pretty much all day. He is really clingy to me though not really sure what that is about but I'm enjoying the cuddles. 

Blake - omg can't believe he is 1 in 5 weeks. He is walking with assistance either he walking thing or holding one of our hands. He really wants to take off but he has a bit of a problem with his left leg. His foot really turns in. :( if it wasn't for this he would have taken off on his own already. I have an appointment with the CHN on the 21st nov so they can have a look a refer him to a paed if they think he needs it. I'm hoping with all the walking we are doing with him it will strengthen on its own and it will be fine by then. We will see I'm hoping it's not a hip problem. The folds at the back of his legs have never lined up but the nurse was never concerned. Other than that he is a happy little guy. Loves playing an giggling, oh and he loves 4-4:30 am. Wtf! I thought Tyler was an early riser at 5-5:30 but Blake takes the cake. 

He has started climbing everything. I remember Tyler was climbing everything but I feel Blake is doing it earlier he seems far too little for the stuff he gets up to. Monkey see monkey do too so everything Tyler does Blake follows and omg its scary. 

Bubba 3. 19weeks today. Omg its going quick. I have been sick the last week, upset tummy, the ms is back in full swing I have had diarrhea :( and just sore and cramps. I did some research it could just be my super healthy diet and restarting my exercise. Your body responds differently to these things when pregnant. I have jumped up 2kg since starting my exercise but that's normal for me just my body gaining te muscle it had lost. That should drop off again. I have put on 3.5 kg not including the last weeks 2kg and that's where i want to maintain which seeing as I was already bigger its fine :) I am ensuring I am getting all the required calories and nutrients for bub :) he is my biggest priority, I'm just doing it healthy this time. 

We have decided on a name. :) it may change but we both like it :) makes it more exciting. we will still call him bub until he is born just to make sure the name actually suits him. Finally my morph scan next Friday yay. That's taken forever to get here. Really looking forward to seeing him again. I have been feeling the odd movement here and there for about 3 weeks :( stupid anterior placenta. I love feeling the kicks its the best part. I really miss it. 

So the plan. 

I have been doing A LOT of thinking. I am so happy with my 3 boys, since finding out the gender I have really bonded a I can not wait till march to meet and cuddle him. At the same time though I was thinking I was done. I know deep down I'm not. 4 it will be for us. 

To get there though it's going to involve some planning. 

-bub  born end march 2014

-Get fit lose 15kg by sept 2014

- Get a job at a gym in admin is fine.

- Just work sept-dec14 2-3days a week lose another 10kg reach peak fitness and compete in as many mini triathlons and fun runs as possible

- Jan-dec2015 work 3days a week save to buy a new car and finish my certIV and diploma in fitness. 

- Sept14-April15 me on girl diet and supplements 

- Jan15 B start girl diet and supplements. 

- April 2015 start ttc#4 

- If we are still super fertile and concieve first cycle again mat leave dec15 bub due jan 16. 

Yep that's my plan lol. Although we want 4 i would still love a girl and B has agreed to throw everything into gender swaying. Another boy would be awesome too 4 boys will have so much fun growing up but we will give it what we can to try for a girl. We discussed the gender selection thing and it's not for us. We are lucky to fall pregnant easily and any baby we are blessed with is a true miracle :) 

It's going to be a fast busy few years. 4 kids under 5 it wil be super crazy but omg fun. Wouldn't have it any other way. Love my family. :) 

Very sensitive post

For those go might get upset reading about anything to do with gender disappointment please do yourself a favour and don't read any further.


So since finding out our little baby is a boy I have been going through very extreme emotions. It's not the gender disappointment people expect. I am happy this is a boy he is who he is and I can't wait to meet him and hold him and watch him grow. The feelings I have are in regards to the girl I so badly want. I don't know why I want a daughter so bad. I always saw myself with a girl, I always wanted to be a mum of a daughter. She doesn't have to be a girlie girl into dolls or anything like that I simply just want a girl who ever she turns out to be.

This want has been making me so angry and sad all at the same time. I am tired and with me stupidly thinking this was a girl I thought I was done. I could get on with having my family etc. being a boy means there is no way I can stop at 3. Problem is there is only a 50/50 chance it will end up a girl and having so many boys its likely to be a boy again. How many boys can someone have before the urge for a girl goes away? I never saw myself with a massive family.

This being the case I have been doing some researching on overseas options for PGD gender selection. This of course brings another whirl wind of emotions.
There are so many women having to go though Ivf and PGD for medical reasons this would be a choice for a little girl. I feel guilty about this but I can't help this pain I am feeling. I can't go through the pain of hearing yet again we aren't having that daughter. Sure every boy I had I would love I don't doubt that but every time I would have to grieve that little girl.

I'm angry that I am having to resort to this or even think about it. This too makes me feel guilty because again their are women out there struggling for a baby at all or who would have given anything for their baby to be healthy.

I feel like I'm not entitled to these feelings. That because I have 3 healthy boys I should be happy with that.

I considered hypnotherapy to get rid of that want feeling but after doing some reading women who had tried this say they go through these waves of emotions again and again trough out their life. I don't want to get to 50 start going though menopause and really regret not giving it everything I could have for a girl. The science is there why can't I take advantage of it? I have given the world a good share of boys why can't I have 1 girl?
I wish I could have done it naturally but it wasn't meant to be.
So I am looking into how much it is to do it with Genea and their overseas Thailand lab superior ART. We would be looking at early 2015 if its possible.
I don't know if it is, maybe the law in Australia will change before then I know they are reviewing it this year and if it does great make it all so much easier but if not i would still like them all together just have to assess over the next 12month the options and start saving. I will lose weight after bub is born to get down to 75kg to ensure we can go ahead with it all.

It's a difficult decision to make but gender disappointment is real.

Gender revealed

So the news is in we are having another gorgeous little boy :)
I was upset at first not because its a boy but because I'm sad I won't have a daughter. I came to terms with it really quick though and I'm just so happy he is healthy. I'm so looking forward to meeting him in march. I wonder what he will look like having 2 complete opposites in Tyler as Blake. I know how lucky we are to be able to fall pregnant so easily. What is meant to be is :) if that's all boys as long as they are healthy then I am happy :)

My stupid mind won't stop churning now. I was set on 3 but not I'm not sure. Not for the wanting a girl now I know if we go for 4 it will be another boy it more that 3 is an uneven number that bothers me. 2 boys and a girl wouldn't have been so bad but 3 boys I can see so many 2 against one fights.
Financially at this point 4 would never be an option as we would need another car.

I need to return to work and still want to achieve those things on my list in the next few years. I have decided to get the implant once I stop bfing. I was thinking then we reassess and see if we want another. If we do not B then get the ship.
The gap would bother me having the first 3 so close then a 4 year gap but unless I win the lotto there is no other option.

At this point I certainly do not see it viable but I would still like to leave our options open. Problem with that is I don't really want to store baby still for 4 years. If we didn't have to buy a new car we could just have another close 4 boys makes it so much cheaper as until they are old enough hand me downs are not a problem.

Maybe I should try entering the lotto hahaha

Food

So what does my new eating plan look like?
Well basically for breakfast I have a
Scrambled egg thingy. First I put in the chickpeas and soften them up. I put a little salt in with them seeing as bub needs iodine haha then I add diced mushrooms, cherry tomatoes and zucchini. Once they have cooked a little I put in 2 eggs and a small amount of cheese.
YUMMO!

For morning tea I have fruit and fat free Greek yogurt.

Lunch is grilled chicken and salad rye wraps

Snack is handful of mixed raw nuts

Dinner is varied sometimes grilled fish and salad sometimes fresh made chicken kebabs with a sweet potato mash. I try an mix dinner up a bit but keep it healthy.
B ordered pizza the other night and whilst it was yummy I felt so sick afterward.

I do have cake, biscuits or chocolate if I get a craving which I do. I have such a ba sweet tooth at the moment. Love cake and donuts. Yum!

I have put on a kilo in the last couple of days :( not sure why. I have been doing so much around the house and my quads are killing me so I guess it was kinda exercise! Who knows. Stupid damn kilo. Grrr will see what it does next week. I will just keep eating healthy. Haven't started exercising yet :( I really want to but we have just been so busy. Hopefully it will calm down after this week and I can start next week. Other than my gender scan wed we have nothing else on. Yay! I need to do it after dinner though as its the only real time I get. For some reason I just get sucked into neighbours and home and away. Stupid seeing as they are crap!
I know once I will get started I will be fine its just that first one!

Feeling good but sick again

So as the title suggests I'm feeling good but after 3 weeks of our house being sickness free we all now have a cold again. I know Tyler brings it home from daycare and normally I wouldn't catch it but being pregnant my body just picks everything up. Grrrr this is my 3rd cold now the last one went for a month and a half. I've upped the vitC so hopefully it goes away quicker this time.

I'm loving the 'clean' eating. It's in inverted commas because its not completely clean because I'm pregnant. I'm still eating cheese and egg yolks, yogurt, cows milk etc.
I was supposed to do the veggie garden yesterday but I got busy scrubbing the house for tomorrow's inspection. At least now its spotless. The only thing bothering me is the mould on the glider chair in the nursery. I am going to get a new one but I haven't seen a decent one come up yet.

The pregnancy is plodding along. I don't feel pregnant at all. I know this stage is normally like this but I don't really remember it to this level the last 2 pregnancies. Maybe because I have less time to stop and bond?
I do have a new pregnancy symptom this time and I don't like it. Rage. I fly off the handle so easily. I feel angry and annoyed almost all of the time. It's like bad PMS all the time. Not enjoyable.

8 days until we find out boys or girl. It's a little frustrating because I could have found out this week. Damn holidays lol. All good next wed will be here before I know it.

Tyler being sick is going through a non listening stage. Doesn't help when we are toilet training. He had been doing so well but now he is sick we are having lots of accidents again. Hopefully if we persist he will get it again.

Little Blake is loving his free standing. I thought he was going to take his first step step. He stood there for ages and I could see he was thinking about it but in the end he just lunged forward at me. Can't believe he is double digits this week. 10 months already. Where on earth has 10months gone.

New direction

So u may have noticed a blog name change :) over the next few weeks I'm going to transition my blog. It's been a blog about ttc and family and kids for years now and whilst I will continue to blog these things it's time for a change.

Ever since I went on Maternity leave in June 2011 I knew it was going to be hard to return to the work force. Not only as a job in my profession means a lot of travel and time away from the kids sadly my heart was never in it. Over the past 2 and a bit years I have continually looked through the job websites looking at what is out there and where I wanted to be when I headed back to work.

I have thought about a few things including teaching but again I never felt the burning desire to do it, it was more about a good job for my family.

Now before I met B I was really into my fitness I trained around 2 hours every day ate really well etc. I weighed 63kg mainly because my weekend lifestyle of a 23 year old wasn't the best I did like to go out and drink.

Now when I met B he isn't into health and fitness at all, I was working and would travel to stay at his place every night he worked 5 mins walk from home so would cook dinner for when I got there. He loved cooking home made pizza and basically all heavy carb laden stuff. A few years in and I got back into my health and fitness got down to 70kg and completed a certIII in personal training. I was due to complete my cert4 when I fell pregnant with Tyler and I couldn't complete the physical/practical stuff so had to put it on hold. Just over 2 years later pregnant again I still can't do it but I can build myself up to get back to my health and fitness peak.

I have put together a healthy clean eating plan that contains my calorie requirements whilst pregnant and covers all food groups so no nutrients are missing. I am also writing a plan of building up my exercise to 4-5 light sessions a week. I am sufferering bad psd pain so it will be a slow gradual thing.

During this time though I am going to implement a healthy diet focusing on learning clean eating for the whole family. They could all do with cutting out the crap. I won't cut out main food groups though as wheat and dairy etc are all important to growing children and I don't want them developing a permeant allergy.

I am going to re do my veggie garden to make it much better and more manageable.

I do not intend to lose any weight whilst pregnant I simply want to improve my health and slowly build fitness. I am currently 88kg. Have to start somewhere right.

I have a few goals in place for the next 12-18months and I'm looking forward to striving to achieve them.

My main goal is to get into the health and fitness industry as a profession. I know its not all the high paying but I don't care. I have never been about money and being rich. I just want my bills paid and to be happy. If that means doing something I love over doing something for a bucket load of money that's way more important.

Goals (next 6months whilst pregnant)
1. Eat healthy and nutritionally developing and learning more about clean eating
2. Slowly build to 4-5days 40mins light exercise
3. Rebuild veggie and herb garden
4. Declutter and thoroughly clean house (nesting instinct kicking in perhaps)

12months after pregnancy
1. 60kg by march 2015
2. Gold Coast, brisbane and Sunshine Coast think pink triathlons end 2014
3. Get a job in health and fitness industry
4. Start cert4 personal training
5. Start training for full triathlon to compete in late 2015/early 2016

I feel really good and so positive about this :) I finally feel like I have direction.

I haven' talked to B about this as he is going through his own transitional stage. This is partly what promoted mine as it would have been good if I could have returned to work for 6 months leading up to the birth to help him have some time out but I couldn't get a job.
B has given up his business he couldn't cope any more mentally or physically. He has put an application to Join the police force. That's a long slow process and can take 4-6months before u find out if u do or don't make it. In the mean time he has 3 months off work with a medical cert and hopefully he will be able to return to work Soon enough.
I will spend a good 6-12months working away at all this and when B is in a better place talk to him about it :)

Massive few weeks

First big thing was Tyler turned 2! I am still in shock that he is already 2. It goes so fast. He had a small family BBQ which was nice. We didn't spoil him as he already has so many toys we got him a bike and some craft stuff.

2nd was I enrolled them in school on his birthday. That's just crazy. Big relief though it has been on my to do list for SO long. It wasn't my original choice but after doing hours and hours of research I really liked this school.

Next was little berry is now past 12weeks. Had my NT scan today and it blows me away how much they change in such a short period of time. Bub measured ahead at 13weeks today. No indication of gender. It was a different scan place but some how I got the same lady who refused a nub shot for blake's 12week scan. So annoyed. I didn't want her to guess I just wanted her to give me a nub shot! :( now I still have 3 weeks to wait.

Oh yeah and we are potty training Tyler. He has been in undies since Thursday last week. Other than sleep times of course. I think it will take him a lot longer to be dry during nap.

What else. It looks like B might have arthritis. :( it runs in the family unfortunately. So he has said good bye to his business and is now looking at options. He is at a police recruitment seminar tonight. I'm a little worried a out money but trying to not think about it too much.

That's it really. Blake is doing well. Cutting 2 top teeth and not enjoying it at all. Such a cheeky happy boy most of the time though :)

Slack

I thought it had been a while. Hasn't been much to update though.

Tyler turns 2 next week. Very exciting. He is still a complete chatter box. Where on earth has 2 years gone.

Blakey is doing great. He spends 3/4 of his time on his feet and is getting stronger. He mostly just hold on with 1 hand now and the other day let go for a couple of seconds. He has learnt to wave and clap. Associates his mum mum and dad dad. He is just a happy cheeky little man.

Berry is going well. 10+4 now slowly getting there. Still 13days until my NT scan. So far away. Being basically 12+5 when I have that scan I'm hoping they might be able to guess gender to 75-80% that would be good. :) still waiting until the 16week scan to confirm it but at least then I have a rough idea on what to expect. Still eating a ton of fruit. It's all I ever feel like. It's making dinner prep really hard. I just don't have the stomach for anything and I'm just cooking and usually the food turns out crap!

Certainly can't hide the bump now though. No one has been game enough to ask me if I'm pregnant. Surely I don't just look fat. I feel I'm getting a lot wider this time. With the boys my waist stayed the same I just expanded out the front. This time i feel like I'm way wider. I still have only put on 2kg but nothing fits me around the middle and hips. All my maternity clothes are huge in the legs though. Just makes me look scruffy.

I still feel that little berry is a girl and its is definitely driving me completely insane. If there was a test that could find out I would so do it right now. At 10+4 the nub is still the same boy or girl so even having an u/s would make no difference. It would be so much easier if I had a boy feeling. If I didn't think it was a girl I wouldn't need to know so badly. I'm scared I'm setting myself up for a fall. I won't be sad its a boy I will be sad I will never ever have my little princess. 5weeks2days till I find out. Omg that seems like AGES!

I love 2 year olds

So Tyler turns 2 in 3 weeks and I have to say I LOVE this age. He has changed so much in the last couple of months. I can have conversations with him, he understand so much more and I can sit down a reason with him about things. He is a complete chatterbox and is such a happy fun kid. He hasn't thrown a tantrum in ages and he is actually really good when I take both boys grocery shopping. Yesterday he just chatted away and kept pointing at things and saying what they were. That was until he decided to squeal really high pitched which he thought was absolutely hilarious so for about 20mins he would squeal then laugh hysterically. people just kept looking at us but I wasn't going to tell him to be quiet he was having fun and enjoying himself.

I weighed him this morning and he is down to 13.9 so he has actually lost about 600g. He has been eating really well lately but he is a ball of energy all the time. He is really lean now and of course really tall at about 92cm. I have been meaning to ring the CHN and book him in for his 2year check up. I think he is perfectly fine though so do I need to? I do want to book him into the dentist and optimist though. I am not worried about his eyes but I have top level health insurance so I might as well have him checked and his teeth well they say you should have them checked within the first year of them cutting their first tooth.

Little Blake is doing so well at the moment. He spends more time on his feet than he does crawling. he has finally mastered the sitting down bit. yay. I no longer have to go rescue him every time he stands up. He is still a super sleeper. He has been waking once a night for a feed which is a bit frustrating but hopefully its just a phase that will pass.  I am thinking he wants more solids so yesterday I started giving him more and he slept until 4:30am and then went back to sleep until 8am. His little personality is really coming out now. He has started waving which is super cute. he also loves to frown at u. if you do anything baby like eg cute baby noises he just gives you this raised eye brow WTF are you doing look. haha

Little Berry seems to be going super strong too.  Picked up (I want to say her) its HB on the doppler at 7+6. such an amazing sound. got it again last night and it was 180 :) so perfect. There have been so many losses in my march DIG it always freaks me out. I am so glad I have the doppler there to reassure me.
So I have my 12 week scan booked for the 16th Sept. the scan place only lets you book at 12 1/2 weeks which is good as I hit 12weeks on Tyler's birthday so its good that he will get his day and we wont actually announce berry until after the gender scan which is booked for the 9th Oct. A whole week later than I was hoping. My OB is away the week before. A whole week is going to kill me lol! I still have such a strong overwhelming feeling its a girl. Most of the time I am saying her or she. I just need to know if I am completely bat sh*t crazy and its a boy and thats that. 7 weeks today until we find out. OMFG that seems like AGES away.

Berry

Had my first OB appointment today and confirmed there is 1 healthy baby :) yay. Measured 1 day ahead at 7weeks today and a nice strong HB of 143bpm. :) yay.

My OB and I had a good laugh at me being back. He told me of the day him and his wife found out they were pregnant with number 3! Haha funny stuff.

Did my online submission form for the hospital as it said to do so as soon as you have had the pregnancy confirmed. Thinking I might do a tour seeing as its a different hospital this time. See how I go :) have to book in for my NT scan and change my appointment with DrA to a few weeks later. Just past 15weeks. Wonder if he can tell me the gender then? Pretty sure he offered at that appointment with both Tyler and Blake.

Berry due 27/03/2014! Fingers crossed everything stays healthy from here :)

Losing the innocence of pregnancy.

This more than likely being my very last pregnancy I really want to simply just enjoy it. Problem is once u have lost the innocence of pregnancy through miscarriage you can never ever get it back.

I have 2 amazing boys and I know I probably wouldn't have them if it wasn't for my 2 angel babies. Everything happens for a reason. In saying this I already love little berry and I want it to stay sticky more than anything. I get worried at every back ache at every twinge, the lack of symptoms even though I'm only 5+3. I keep saying to myself to relax there isn't anything u can do if this little one decides not to stay but then I feel guilting thinking perhaps I'm being complacent about the pregnancy and the baby won't feel wanted. In my gut I feel like Berry is growing fine and will be joining us in march but then I think omg now I have though that something will go wrong. Agh stupid thought merry go round.

I want to look forward to my belly growing, to feeling the kicks, to finding out the sex but I can't. Another 6 weeks feels like so long to go! I know once we see a heart beat at the first scan I can relax a bit but even that it feels so far away.

I guess what is really playing on my mind is I really do have a gut feeling its a girl. We lost our first little girl. It petrifies me. I keep thinking maybe its a girl thing. Perhaps I'm simply not meant to have one.

Then there is the mind battle about me having the feeling its a girl but completely expecting my OB to tell me its a boy. I don't know how I will react because it will be a shock but an expected shock. Wow that makes no sense but I know what I mean lol.

Something I really really want to do this time is a maternity photo shoot towards the end. I don't have many photos of me pregnant only ones of just my belly so I would like something myself and the kids can look back on.

I want 12weeks to hurry up and get here and then I want everything to slow right down so I can just stop and enjoy the 2nd trimester and being pregnant. That's not asking for much is it? Lol.

I guess 12weeks will be here before I know it because that's Tyler's 2nd birthday. 12th September.
Time is so weird like that on one hand I think omfg Tyler is 2 in 6 1/2 weeks that is so soon and how has it been 2 years already but then I think omfg I still have 6 1/2 weeks before I get to 12weeks time is moving SO slowly. Lol crazy much!

Something I have been thinking a lot about lately is B and I renewing our vows. We have had so much going on in our lives the ups and downs the separation etc and although we still battle so many things on a day to day basis our relationship has actually gotten a lot stronger. Now that it is just us and we lean on each other and only have each other to lean on its changed our relationship immensely. Because of this I think it would be nice to renew them.
Next June will be our 5 year wedding anniversary 8 years together maybe it would be nice to do it then? I am thinking just the 2 of us maybe some family am close friends, just a beach side BBQ kind of thing perhaps? I haven't mentioned it to B yet lol he will probably scoff at the idea he isn't exactly a romantic in anyway!

Happy house again

So after what around a month of continual sickness we are finally all better! Yay!
Tyler is teething his 2 year molars and continually grinding his teeth this causing him considerable pain so he is waking around midnight for more neurofen. He goes back to sleep easily though.

Blake is waking about 3-4am for a feed but he is back to happily self settling which is wonderful. He is such a happy boy. Crawls around the house getting into mischief. It's odd to pop him in the lounge room I go into the kitchen to prepare food and next minute he is right behind me. Cheeky bugger.

It's times like this that even though I get no sleep or down time or a shower lol I really love the 2 so little. I am really looking forward to having number 3 so close too. Tyler goes through moments if wanting to play with Blake to others smashing him in the face with Thomas. There can be lots of giggles but lots of screaming tears too.

Tyler's daycare day has changed again so I now have to go grocery shopping with them both. At first this really sounded scary but I actually don't find it hard at all. It's so hard to find a twin trolley though :( at the moment I put Blake in the carrier and he just goes to sleep but soon he will be too big. Face that when we get to it.

On the pregnancy front 5+1 and I had my first spew yesterday. I felt so hung over and horrible yesterday :( today I feel fine and of course that freaks me out. Looking forward to getting to 6 weeks and having those symptoms amp up a bit. Most people hate them but I prefer to have them as its reassuring and it doesn't last forever. Well both the boys are down for a nap which is very rare these days as Tyler has been dropping his nap but I'm going to try and have a brief nap too while I can :)

My poas habit is still going strong lol. It's pointless once the numbers are this high but still makes me feel good to see that line getting stronger. Did another digital today to even though I have already seem the 3+ I just wanted to make sure it hadn't dropped. The pregnant 3+ came up before I had time to pop the lid on and place it down flat lol.

Busy little bee

Wow things are so flat out right now. My sister gets married next weekend so everything is crazy.

Her hens was on Saturday night. It was a lot more subdued than normal but I guess that's what happens when we are all old and have young kids. Apparently not drinking at ur only siblings hens night is a dead giveaway ur pregnant. About midnight and after continually and I thought skilfully dodging the drinking thing my sister drunkenly shouted I know ur pregnant so just come out with it. Most would be upset but I don't care. I didn't really want it announced so early but its only her friends and I rarely see them. We had a laugh though she congratulated me and hugged me and we got on with the night.

I still have so much prep to do for it but I'm getting there. I really need to write my speech.

So little Blake is finally off and crawling. I took him to the dr on Monday for an infected toe. I felt so bad. He wears onesies all the time and i mostly change him in his room and the curtains are always closed as he sleeps so much.
When I finally noticed it I felt so bad. Poor bugger was in so much pain. No wonder. He has taken so long to start crawling when he has been up and rocking for so long. He couldn't put that foot down without it hurting. One night on antibiotics and he was off. He is also back to sleeping properly, self settling and is just back to being his happy self. :) it's so nice to have my happy little man back.

Tyler is also back to being healthy. :) he is such a funny character.

I have also been doing some extra cleaning and I have come across mould in both of the boys rooms. I did some reading and there isn't much mould there but it could be why they keep getting sick. I am going to attack it tomorrow hopefully, need to Get a mask first I don't want to be breathing that stuff in.

I got Tyler's suit today for the wedding. Omg he is going to look so adorable!

On the pregnancy front not much happening. Only 4+5 so very early days. Got a 3+ on the digital today so numbers are nice and strong. Looking forward to yet nervous for my appoint/scan on the 7th. I do still feel bubba is doing well but I have joined a DIG and so many losses and lots of bleeding :( poor ladies miscarriages are so horrible :(

Mum mum

Little Blakey started saying mum mum the other day. Melts ur heart when u hear it for the first time. He is growing up so fast. He is on the move. Slowly but surely. Has the whole jerky crawl going on.

He has had a fever today. Thinking its the end of this sickness thing they have both had. He had a day of fever and although he is still whingy doesn't seem sick.

So completely over winter that's for sure.

So 14dpo today so 3w7d and I decided to take a digital. Said 2-3 so that's 4-5weeks. Which was expected seeing as my hpts have been dark. I have stupid thoughts in my head like molar etc. I feel like bub is fine but until I have that scan its just too easy to worry. I know I did one with Blake I'm just not sure i posted it on here so I can see what result I got and how far along I was. Have to go back and do some searching.

Even the cat knows I'm pregnant. Normally she sleeps on B's side of the bed. I woke up this morning and she was sleeping on my lower abdomen. It's weird how animals just know.

Trying to level my head

Agh!
I really wish I had the strength to hold out until AFs due date to test. I know the line is super strong so very unlikely a chemical but still the mind races.

I have gone through all this before yet I find myself here again having the same mental battle as always.

I know nothing can stop a miscarriage and if that's what meant to happen fine its just this waiting game. I seriously have zero patience.

In saying that I am 12DPO yeah 12DPO and I am already feeling nauseous. I am always absolutely starving. Wtf is with that. But I am also having strong cramps. Dull AF feeling cramps. They bother me! My lower back is also achy. This could be because in general I'm very tired after being up since 3:30am with 2 sick boys and having to carry Tyler absolutely everywhere as he just won't let go! 14kg is a lot to lug around.

I keep taking hpts left right and centre haha I got 60 opks and 60 hpts for $23. So yeah I have lots to spare. They are getting increasingly darker. They seem so very dark for 12dpo! I feel like in more like 6 weeks lol which I'm not as I'm not even 4 weeks yet. Bahahahaha

I also have this gut feeling its a girl. I will have to go back and read my blog for Blake. I remember very vividly with Tyler the moment I saw the positive test it was a boy. I think with Blake my desire for a girl had me wishing a girl but not overly feeling it. This feeling is the same gut feeling I had with Tyler right from the start. Same feeling I had last week when I just knew I was pregnant even before I got the positive test. Lol I could be completely wrong but I just have this feeling. Even have a name. Nothing like I had thought before so its all just weird.

Ok moving away from that before the looney bin people show up with my straight jacket again.

So yeah the boys are sick. I took them to the dr this morning she gave me a script for ABs for Tyler but I think he is just a massive sook when sick. He has a very low rang temp and some ulcers on the left side of his throat other than that the nose has dried up no ear issues. He is just a sook lol. A sook that decided 3am was wake up time. Likely he went back to sleep but then Blake was awake at 4:45z he is teething something shocking. I mentioned this pain he seems to be experiencing to the dr. She felt his tummy and he doesn't associate the pain with popping. When she looked in his mouth she mentioned he is gums are really inflamed so thinks its his teeth. Sook! Jk

Sick little boys

Both the boys are still sick :( I thought we had gone over the hump and they were getting better but today Tyler has slightly fever and Blake sounds really croaky. I gave Tyler nurofen but unless I give it to him just before bed he goes super hyper on it! Only started when he was about 14months.
Blake is back down for a nap now so hopefully he feels better soon. I wish u could make an appointment for the dr right when u were noticing the problem because u can be guaranteed when u take them in they will be fine at the time.

I'm not sure what is bothering Blake. Seems to be his gut perhaps. He will sit on the floor and be fine next minute he is stiffening up screaming in pain. I guess he has always done this and I thought it would pass when he got to around that 4 month mark. He isn't constipated. The kid does like 4 poos a day and they are perfect consistency. When I am trying to put him to sleep he is screaming and throwing his head back he will do this until he passes out from exhaustion.
I've got no idea.

Did another hpt this morning. Still pregnant! Compared it to Blake's tests lol yep still have them and the line is so much darker and thicker. I did a test with 3rdmu and the line Isn't as thick as yesterday's but its a more distinct line yesterdays was a fuzzy line both test and control. Might just be the tests themselves. I've already been feeling very nauseas which is weird ms would normally hit around the 6 week mark.

I'm still so torn in what to do regarding dr and hospital. I would really love to go back to my obgyn but going private even though I have top hospital and extras I'm still out off pocket $2-3k but if I go public I just don't know if I would get the care I do need. This isn't my first so I know what's going on but things can still go wrong and I completely trust my OB. I'm not likely to get GDM or high blood pressure but if I did would the care in the public system pick it up? I know they normally do but u do hear stories. When we found out the cord was around Blake's neck I was worried but I was ok because I knew I could trust my OB and he would get us both through it.
In the private hospital I went to last I was old news because it was my 2nd bub would being in the public system be even worse for ur 3rd? Then there is the constant scans with my OB. We know bub is ok at every appointment. Having bens brother and wife recently lose a bub at 23weeks but to find out it passed at 20. 3 weeks of not knowing. In the public system they see u a lot less the mid wives do ur basic checks but they aren't definite like a scan.
Then there is the private hospital is 40mins away our local public is less than 10. Agh so annoying.
I know me though and I already want to book in to see brad at around 8weeks! He will do an early scan then. If I went public I would see a gp they would refer me and I wouldn't see anyone for probably ages.
I pay $151 f/n for my private health insurance so I might as well use it. This is very much likely my last baby so once its born i am reducing it. It's so expensive.

This is all banking on bub staying sticky of course. I have cramps but I know them well and had them with both the boys.

The photo with all the tests is Blake's are written on with black pen 11 and 12dpo this bub has pink pen.

Pregnant

Yep! For 10dpo there is no disputing that line now!

The 2nd pic was taken closer to the 10minute mark. That's a super dark line for 10dpo at 1pm!

Seeing things!

10dpo and I am surely seeing things!
I used an IC because I'm saving the FR for tomorrow! Now I wish I had just used the FR.
I had some very painful sharp stabbing pain yesterday exactly the same as I had described the day before my bfp with Blake.
I dare say I will be testing with a FR later today.

Burping and endless screaming

I feel like I'm losing it. I feel like a useless mother. Nothing I do is working and Blake screams more and more and I get annoyed at him and then end up in tears eventually Blake burps and fall asleep. I hold him for longer crying that I got upset at him and feeling completely helpless.

So what am I babbling about. Well I mentioned Blake and his burping and the difficulty he has bringing the air up. He was spitting up but now he is on the AR formula he hasn't been spitting up but the wind is still a massive issue. It's causing him a lot of pain and he will scream and scream, he is tired but won't go to sleep, he ends up over tired and exhausted but after a very long time sometimes even an hour he will do a burp and relax completely and finally fall asleep. This I happening all the time, every feed/sleep. He has a bottle when he wakes and I will try to put him to sleep when he gets tired this might be 2-3hours but he will still have a burp in there. He sits up, plays crawls but this still doesn't help the air come up.

Agh!

I tried marina water before but it didn't do much. I might try it again now the AR formula seems to have helped with the spews.

He also has a cold so all in all just in a world of hurt and nothing I do seems to comfort him :(

On my admittance to the loony bin they did finally release me! Lol
I went back and had a look at when I got a bfp with Blake and I documented it well, one reason I really do love this blog. It's such a great documentation of my whole journey.
So I did a FR on cd24/10dpo (if I ovulated on cd14) and it was negative. That day I got bad sharp pains high on the left. I remember them well and recall feeling them when I feel pregnant with Tyler too. The next day I tested so cd25/11dpo and I got a faint positive.
Today I am cd23/9dpo. I don't think we are pregnant though. I know tomorrow is my normal implant day but I'm not feeling it. For days there i was like yep I think I'm going to be, now nope don't think so.
This would be cycle 3 of although not officially trying we DTD unprotected within normal fertile period. Cycle 1 I didn't ovulate till around cd21, cycle 2 cd16 and this cycle it was actually on time at cd14. That was 3 1/2 days as I am going by getting OV pains at around 11am massive amounts of ewcm and then the pains stopped and by 1pm all EWCM had gone and consistency changed.

3 1/2 days is perfect timing for what we were aiming for with the girl timing thing but I think its too big a window. I don't even know if keeping it at that time frame we would ever fall pregnant. Maybe B's sperm just isn't that robust and only survives 2 days. That completely blows the girl sway timing out the window!

Oh well be interesting if I do get sharp pains tomorrow or not!

I have so much to do in the next few weeks. In tired just thinking about it.

First up next weekend is my sisters hens. Still planning to do for that but we are mostly ready. Needed to catch up with one of the other bridesmaids to work out the final details but with the kids sick I don't want to make her kids sick.

Then the first weekend of aug is her wedding. Still waiting on our dresses to arrive should be here next week. I got my shoes on Wednesday, have to book in for my eye brow waxing, my nails, spray tan. I have ordered a fake onesie suit for Blake so cute, I still have to get Tyler's suit and B has to try his on. Hopefully it fits!!

The weekend after that I have a friends hens and then the last weekend aug her wedding. We r still to find a baby sitter for this!

2 weeks after this and Tyler turns 2! Omfg 2!!!!! We will be have a very all BBQ a few family and a couple of close friends that's it.

When I was reading back through my blog I was reading about the ms and exhaustion. If I do end up pregnant (again thinking I'm not going to) we won't be telling anyone at all and I will have to get through all this without letting on. Whoa that would be fun.
28days isn't long until ur waiting to test! So slow. What ever if I'm not I just hate waiting!

Oh boy!

So I took my blog down for a few days honestly I don't know where I am going with it. But here I am again wanting to get thoughts out so I will just stick with it.

I am all of 6dpo after a 3 1/2 day gap from DTD to ovulation so a very slim chance I would end up pregnant and I certainly would NOT have any symptoms yet as implantation wouldn't even happen for another 1-4 days.
But never the less I am here and I am going to note down my 100% craziness.

Twice this morning I have thought oh boy I'm pregnant!
First one is I could not stomach my coffee at all this morning. Didn't think much of I at all at the time even when B asked if he could make me another (I am one of those that can't function without my morning coffee) even just the thought made my stomach churn. Then at grocery shopping I found myself in the tea isle buying peppermint and camomile tea! Still didn't think much of it until driving home I thought yep grab the local paper off the lawn when I get home and sit down an have my usual 2nd cup of coffee. Yuk made my stomach churn again. Cue the oh boy! It was at this point I vividly remember this reaction to coffee when I was pregnant with Blake.
Again remember there is no way I could be having symptoms this is all just fictitious craziness in my head!

Upon putting the groceries away I though on I will just have a peanut butter sandwich.
Then all of a sudden I get this massive craving for salt and vinegar chips on white bread with butter. Something I haven't eaten in about 10 years! Wtf! Again trigger the oh boy!

If I do some how end up pregnant I am pretty sure it would be a boy!

Ok ending crazies for the day. Not due to test until Saturday/sunday and AF not even due until next Wednesday and to which I am expecting she will arrive on time.

I am losing my mind. Bye bye shel off to the crazy farm for u do not pass go and do not collect ur $200!

Technology

It amazes me how obsessed Tyler is with his new iPad. I never had intentions of buying him one until he was older but we actually got given one from day care as part of a promotional offer when I started sending him so we decided it would be Tyler's. I spent a little while the other day downloading some free apps for him and omg he is obsessed. I only let him play with it for 30mins or so twice a day as I think learning technology in this day and age is as important as the rest but the tantrums he throws and that go on for over 40mins when I take it off him are out of control. Well scratch that lol I had to sort some stuff out and couldn't finish my blog entry earlier and in the couple of hours its taken me to get back here he has broken the iPad! Oh well! I hadn't had a chance to get a sturdy case for it and he dropped it. Such fragile things. Might be fixable will have to look at it more closely when I get a chance.

He is an absolute chatter box at the moment and his vocabulary and understanding astound me every day but I absolutely love when he has a full on conversation with me. I usually have absolutely no idea what on earth he is saying but love listening to him chatter away.

Little Blake is all but off and crawling. Thinking in the next week or so. He has awesome technique lol not like his bull in a china shop brother that wanted something and just found his way to get it. Blake gets right up into his hands and knees and moves one knee nicely forward which in turn causes a face plant lol. He just needs to work out what to do with the hands and to move one knee after the other. He gets super frustrated at not being able to get around so he is trying so hard.
Tyler tries to help him out by trying to pick him up or rolling him across the floor. So funny to watch. Poor Blakey definitely cops it. He seems to enjoy his brother playing with him though.

On the ttc#3 front cd11 opks negative but there is a least a 2nd very faint line now suggesting there is actually some LH present. No EWCM yet unlike last cycle that started on cd11. We DTD unprotected last night same timing as last cycle so I very much doubt we would end up pregnant but there is still that very very slight possibility. Guess it will depend when I actually ovulate as to how much of a chance there is. If we don't end up pregnant and I ovulate on cd14 it will help in regard to timing next cycle. We r still trying to sway for a girl so we want to DTD as far out from ovulation as possible. Thinking maybe 3 days? If we don't fall this cycle and I ovulate cd14 that's 4 days so 3 might do the trick? This is why swaying for a girl may take us a lot longer to fall pregnant. Maybe after 6 months we will just DTD closer to ovulation but I do want to go for a few months DTD a few days out. We have done 5 1/2 days, now possibly 4 days next 2-3 cycles we will try 3 days, the following 3-4 cycles try 2 days and bang its 6 months. Glad I have decided to use opks this cycle it was certainly doing my head in not know of or when I did ovulate.

Both boys are off at the moment, I think they both have ear aches so I am going to try and get them to the dr this week but they are also both teething, Blake's reflux just seems to get worse and worse so I might have a chat to the dr about that or even take him back to the CHN and see what she says. With all this going on I think omg can I really do 3 under 3? I know its going to be full on and I know I can do it but it still does cause some thoughts of anxiety every now and again.

Time for number 3

So B and I sat down last night and finally agreed next cycle it is. I am very excited but also very nervous. We didn't ttc with Blake we were very lucky it just happened. B and I were separated and one night of pure passion and us just letting go and loving each other ended in me being pregnant with him. I guess looking back he was the shinning light that bought us back together.
Little Blake was just meant to be and we are so blessed to have him. Don't get me wrong we still have tough days especially with B and the business and the extra stresses that brings but we are in a much better place. B still battles with the cruxes he uses when stressed but we talk about it a lot more and we are dealing with them together as a team. Having less involvement from either of our families makes it much easier, I can be there for him and him for me with out anyone else in our ear telling us how they think life is supposed to be.

Anyway so B and I both said before we got married we always wanted 4 kids. Financially that's probably not going to happen but we will see one baby at a time. I'm 31 this year B is 32 so not spring chickens and ultimately I would like to just have our family and for us to live our life. 3 under 3 will be hard but that doesn't worry me.

I have wanted a girl and keep thinking oh no what if its a boy how will I feel. Since we had that oh no maybe whoopsy Last cycle i know I have wanted another baby sooner rather than later. I kept thinking I really really want a girl definitely not a boy but recently I saw a picture of a friends new born little boy and my heart ached for a baby a boy or girl. Giving Blake his bottle and the love I feel for my 2 boys I would love another boy. I just want more kids. I do definitely want a girl I feel it in my heart there is a girl in my life but I wouldn't be disappointed if I found out it was a boy this time. Make sense? Lol

Anyway so after sitting down and talking about it last night we decided on next cycle. So that's the weekend of my sisters wedding. Well the days leading up before we head away we DTD. I will find out mid August.
This is the part that scares me. Ttc. It's a horrible journey. U put so much hope into it. I'm on a girl friendly diet and will DTD 2-3days before OV to increases the chances
Of a girl but what if no pregnancy? What about miscarriages? After our horrible start we were so very lucky to have 2 easy pregnancies and births. Might not be the case this time. My cycle is a bit wacky. Ovulated late last cycle AF came smack on time for a normal cycle but 2 days early for the late ovulation. If I did indeed ovulate then.
I am cd9 now and have started doing opks to see if and when i might be ovulating, i haven't seen any EWCM so shouldn't really bother with them until I do but I got 60 cheapies off eBay and I am so hoping we are lucky first try and I won't need anywhere near that many so just going to indulge my poas addiction and test away.

I am so so so so looking forward to being pregnant again. I am looking forward to slowing down and treasuring it. With Tyler I was petrified the whole time after 2 miscarriages then with Blake so much was going on and b and I were all over the place so it was so stressful. I want to really take the time to enjoy feeling every movement and kick, not rush the pregnancy and try my hardest to get bub out at the end. Well unless its a week late. I want to do a maternity shoot no matter how much I hate how I look. I want to involve B and the boys. Do all that kind of stuff. It very well might be my last pregnancy so I want to really cherish it.

One of the biggest decisions to make and its one i want to discuss with B when we have more time and that's going private or public. We love our obgyn. He is brilliant and for a private obgyn he is cheap. He has relocated hospitals though but is still 40or so minutes away. Not worried about labour it's more a convenience thing for B and the boys visiting. I love how he does a scan at every appointment etc. but out of pocket there is still the pregnancy management fee and also the $200 excess to go to hospital and the out of pocket for the epidural. All up probably going to be about $2k. That doesn't include the expensive 12 and 20 week scan which together is about $350.

If I go public near by I won't have any out of pocket but although I have had 2 relatively simple births Blake's cord was around his neck and I just trust my obgyn and know his decisions are for me and my baby. If I have an obgyn or nurse I don't know it does scare me. I also pay $150 a fortnight for my family top hospital and extras health insurance which is wasted if I go public. I get my own room private etc. but if I go local private the obgyn won't be discounted like my current one as he discounts it for subsequent kids, they may not scan at every appointment.

I really want to stick with my obgyn, I just wish he was closer and the darn anaesthetist wasn't so expensive! I Could say now oh I just won't have an epidural but screw that!

Really excited for the months ahead.

Mental washing machine

I feel like my head is a complete jumbled mess.
So AF arrived 2 days earlier than I expected if I ovulated on cd16. So if it was 14 we just didn't pregnant but I am thinking perhaps I never ovulated at all.
Stupid body. So screwed up.

So not pregnant yep good fine what ever. I have no issue with it. Would have been nice for a whoopsy surprise, would have meant I didn't have to think about crap but now all the thoughts are there.

I went through, we aren't financial enough for another baby, but I really want a girl, but I am likely to have another boy, I'm so tired could I handle a other one, its not really fair on the boys both financially and time wise to bring another baby in, I do want one but if I go back to work that's more time and once we are past babies do I want to go back, putting all this effort into losing weight if I get pregnant it will go straight back on, my body is a baby fat magnet, but I want my body back for a while so I can lose some weight an feel better about myself, etc etc round an around I went. I decide on the no baby right now thing until I see a little girl or hold one Etc and it all starts all over again.
Then I can see the bond Tyler is now getting with B. Tyler copies everything daddy does and he just wants to be right beside daddy being a mini me. It's gorgeous to watch but makes me want a girl even more. She might be a daddies girl and do the exact same as Tyler but I do still want a girl.
Agh I am not winning this mental battle at all. Grrrrr

Bfn

Did a test with an fmu this morning and no line As I expected. :) all good though im not too bothered by it all. I did get excited for a split second but it wasn't like we were banking on definitely wanting to be pregnant it simply would have been a nice surprise.
AF still not due till wed-Friday so ages yet. If no AF on Friday I will test then. I know I'm not likely to be pregnant and I won't have a drink until next weekend anyway so no reason to waste a test. Unless I get any overwhelming pregnant symptom which I doubt i would as usually nothing really hits until 6 weeks well except one thing that has happened every time I have been pregnant and its probably the earliest symptom for me and that's crying. Driving in the car and a song comes on never same song or anything. But I just start balling my eyes out at the words. It's full uncontrolled sadness crying as I listen and imagine the story behind the words. Every time its happened I have thought - I'm pregnant! And every time i was right, its only ever happened when early pregnant. If that happens I will be testing!

So cruel

First ever evap line. Boohoo.

So our wedding anniversary was during the week and we both missed it. Oops. Lol happens when u get so busy with life. Anyway B and I decided we would just sit out by the fire and have a few drinks tonight like we used to before kids.
Well I have been thinking about having those few drinks all day and although only to be around 8-10dpo if I am pregnant I would feel so bad for having a drink.
So I though its not fmu and It will be negative but at least I won't feel guilty about having a few drinks.
Well I had zero pee lol but it managed to move across the screen. First off I was like wtf I can see something.
Then for the next 20mins I was having an argument with myself about seeing a 2nd line. Surely not.
Finally I came to the conclusion it has to be an evap line.
I tried for well over an hour to get a photo of the stupid line eventually I just pulled the thing apart. Yep sure enough clear as day a 2nd line but no colour as far as I can tell. Clear line = evap line. I checked an old test to make sure this line was on all of them and its not.
I might test in a few days no I know I will lol. I'm a poasaholic! I know its so unlikely we will be pregnant but oh no this has certainly flare it all up. I either expect AF to turn up Wednesday if it were a normal cycle or Friday if I ovulated when I thought i did.
I have 1xFR left and 1xclear blue digital.
See how long I can hold out!!! Doesn't matter if we aren't but I really do hate this waiting.

Little Blakey

Little Blakey is just that little.
He had his needles today :( poor bubby he certainly isn't a fan. He did well though, cried a lot but he calmed down once I took him away from the nasty dr who hurt him lol.
He got weighed and measured and he was 7.9kg and 66cm. So small.
Tyler was 8.8kg and 72cm.
He is such a happy little man though and he is doing so much better on the lactose free formula. I will give it to him for a couple of weeks and then try the normal one again and see how he goes. Really hoping he doesn't have a milk allergy. Development wise he is doing well. Still commando crawling backward. Sits for 20mins or so without toppling now too which is good. Unless he is tired then he won't sit at all. His leg strength had increased a lot over the last week or two as well and he loves spending time up on his feet. He really is such a cutie pie.

Poor Tyler has hand foot and mouth again. He had been off all weekend I figured it was from teething as he wasn't eating and had the worst poos. When I dropped him off to daycare on Tuesday morning there was a notice to say a child had it the week before. When Tyler came him I checked his hands and feet and yep the blistery rash had broken out during the day. U really have to look for it though. He has had it before really bad so this time it's really mind and he only had maybe 5 or so spots on each foot and 1-2 on his hands. It's bad in his mouth this time though. :(
I am still shocked at his vocabulary explosion. He talks so much and surprisingly clearly. He has started saying g'day mate. Hahahaha funny as.

I have been suffering with migraines again. It's been years since I have had them this bad well other than when they were pregnancy related. They had been so bad with the light auras and light sensitivity, nausea and vomiting etc.
it's so hard to look after two little ones when the migraine is that bad. Last night I was in my own hell. I was in so much pain I couldn't sleep. I took a heap of pain meds but nothing helped. I'm going to try the chiropractor hopefully that will help. I'm hoping I don't have to go on more permanent meds again. I had the headache nearly a full week before it progressed to a full blown migraine. I haven't had any black tea or red wine so its certainly not from consuming tannins.
Horrible though. I certainly hadn't missed them and I can see why they completely debilitated me.

It's B and my anniversary today. 4 years married 7 years together, yep we have the same date for everything. Too busy to celebrate though. Maybe over the weekend. We were thinking of maybe trying to get a babysitter so we can go out to dinner. Not sure that will happen though.

So absolutely silly

See these are the stupid thoughts I just keep having and they make no sense!
FB announcement of an old friend I still very occasionally catch up with. She is having a girl. I almost started crying! Seriously wtf! Not that I'm not completely overjoyed she is having a little girl more that I really don't understand how couples have girls. How can I want something so ridiculously much? My heart really aches for a little girl. As much as when I wanted a baby back when first starting ttc. :(

Finally OV! Plus Brain and heart mushed rambling a!

So after my rant in my last post it looks like I finally did ovulate. No EWCM since Friday morning around 11am. I took my temp properly this morning as the boys finally both slept without interruption!! Nice normal post OV temp. So it would have been Friday at some point. Cd16.

That being said the likelihood of being pregnant is slim to none!
We DTD around 11pm on cd10. So if I ovulated around 11am on cd16 that's around 5 1/2days. Lol u would need super sperm to last that long!

It's good to know I did actually end up ovulating though. AF should arrive Sunday 22nd to give me a normal LP.

Having this whoopsy has caused my mind to go into overdrive.
There is so much churning around in there about ttc#3
I would love them close together but now I am wondering if its the best idea?
I already have 2 under 2 and if I have a third it will be 3 under 3 for 6 months.
Then there is the baby bonus that's been wiped. Whilst we would be fine without it it certainly makes it a bit easier for a while. There is paid parental leave for those that work but if I return to work I don't know if we would have another. First of all applying for a job on the pretence of maternity leave or paid parental leave just doesn't sit well wig me at all.
Then I want to be back at work full time when Tyler starts school. The year before prep i will have the boys in kindy full time in preparation for the demands of school .
As we want to send them to a semi private in primary and then a full private from year5 I will need to be at work full time to pay for fees. No way we can have a baby then.
So all this being said I keep thinking maybe we should just have our 2 boys and leave it at that. This has been making me physically cry. Lately I can't shift this overwhelming want for a girl. I get insanely jealous of anyone who has a girl or pregnant with a girl. I talk to little girls or just watch them play and I start imagining my own little girl, what she would look like etc. I know its stupid, I have 2 absolutely gorgeous boys who I love so much but I just can't seem to stop myself.
This is the other reason I am very reluctant to ttc#3. The likelihood of it being another boy is really high and although I would love him very much I would still have that overwhelming sensation of wanting that girl. I won't lie I would be upset and that wouldn't be fair. I of course would love another boy too but knowing we simply can't have another would certainly hurt and then I just know I would start trying to think about number 4 in search of that girl.
At what point will I stop? Will I just get past this feeling? We can't have 10 kids in search of a girl. We simply may never have one.
Maybe I need some kind of hypnosis to numb myself to this feeling I have.

Hmm what a load of rambling.

Delaying ttc

Well it looks like the EWCM has finally gone but still no thermal shift.
With my cycles such a mess I think it best we delay ttc#3. I know there are still 2 more cycles before we were thinking of starting but it is all so horrible.

I did some reading and its apparently normal for ur cycle to change post baby and especially for someone like me who only had 1 AF before falling pregnant again.
It's not that my cycle has extended that would be fine its the week of EWCM that indicates a hormone imbalance in shall we at ovulation fire or in my case backfire!
And if I am indeed ovulating then I am not having a thermal shift which might mean a very low progesterone which would intern lead to a miscarriage or chemical pregnancies.

This is my 4th cycle. 1st one was smack on normal 27days from my last breast feed.
Number 2 was 25days and number 3 was 34days. Cycle3 I had mid cycle spotting and perhaps delayed ovulation at cd21 when I saw EWCM but no thermal shift. Lots of painful cramping from midcycle spotting until about 1week before AF arrived.
This cycle No midcycle spotting, EWCM for 6days. Bad cramping started 4days into EWCM and still going 3days later.

I wonder if I go to my normal dr if he would run some bloods for me while he is running the other ones to find out why I am so exhausted all the time. I am wondering if its all linked. I just don't feel like me. :( all I can think about doing is sleeping. I have started taking iron again and also added zinc into my vitamins regime to help boost immunity. Seems to have helped my mouth ulcer a bit it's not as sore today.