So OPK is a little darker than yesterday but still definitely negative! Who Knows!
OH well I am just going to try and forget about it! nothing much else I can do. Can't force my body to work and this does make me sad. Everything was perfectly fine! Everything worked perfectly fine! now not so good!
I have a feeling this lower mood will last until I do eventually ovulate! grumble grumble grumble
Berry
Tyler
Blake
Monday, May 31, 2010
CD13
Wow seriously feels like it should be at least Thursday and its ONLY Tuesday. :(
Extremely tired today, not sure whats with that! Perhaps the clomid working my body over time.
So as the title states CD13!!!! Starting to think maybe this isn't going to pan out the way I wanted. Which was a normal CD ovulation. I really really need to see a positive OPK today or tomorrow! If I don't I have to have a think about what to do! Do I chance and risk a repeat of Jan or do we stop DTD after CD15/16? I am still hoping and praying I don't have to make that decision and my body just works but my unfortunate luck has been playing a bigger role in my life than I would like. I honestly did feel like everything was finally changing for us!
I am going to do an earlier OPK today. I am just having my morning cup of tea so 12pm it will be! I don't know what I am going to do if its Neg again :(
The ovulation pain went last night but its back a little this morning. Nothing like it was.
My positive feeling is definitely starting to dwindle!
Oh and I just wanted to say thank you so much for those of my friends that are always there for me on this TTC journey! :) You girls are the best and I honestly don't know what I would do with out you! I started this journey alone and I have made some wonderful friends for life!
Extremely tired today, not sure whats with that! Perhaps the clomid working my body over time.
So as the title states CD13!!!! Starting to think maybe this isn't going to pan out the way I wanted. Which was a normal CD ovulation. I really really need to see a positive OPK today or tomorrow! If I don't I have to have a think about what to do! Do I chance and risk a repeat of Jan or do we stop DTD after CD15/16? I am still hoping and praying I don't have to make that decision and my body just works but my unfortunate luck has been playing a bigger role in my life than I would like. I honestly did feel like everything was finally changing for us!
I am going to do an earlier OPK today. I am just having my morning cup of tea so 12pm it will be! I don't know what I am going to do if its Neg again :(
The ovulation pain went last night but its back a little this morning. Nothing like it was.
My positive feeling is definitely starting to dwindle!
Oh and I just wanted to say thank you so much for those of my friends that are always there for me on this TTC journey! :) You girls are the best and I honestly don't know what I would do with out you! I started this journey alone and I have made some wonderful friends for life!
Sunday, May 30, 2010
CD12
So we have a winner! Theory No. 3. lol I officially have NO IDEA! haha! Which is annoying cause normally I do know my body, but I guess I don't know my body on clomid!
On the up side the pain has intensified even more today! I didn't think it was possible but yep it is! Intense on BOTH sides today but the left is still taking the cake! Had a few massive painful stabs from that side! Very big OUCH.
CM watery again today and again it looks like it trying to be EW.
So another theory is Eggies aren't ready yet as it is only CD12 now and they need just a couple more days to mature and be ready :) which is all good by me! Go little eggies go!
DH was very cute this morning. Alarm had just gone off and he rolled over and cuddled me and was like, so when u do think u will ovulate? I was like any time between now and Friday! he said well we will keep digging for gold till then :P
didn't DTD or anything but he has suggested that it will be everyday until I do. I know he wants this as much as I do, and after the tuff 10months we have just been through it is a really nice feeling.
I just wish another of my friends man was as accommodating. Poor thing she is trying to do this on her own, u can't get pg on your own :( and I really want this to work for her. But without swimmers it just wont! Grumble!
So just have to patiently wait a few more days and hope something does happen. Definitely feels like its going to and even though it did last month but nothing happened I have clomid on my side this time!
By the weekend we will be in the TWW! I just know it! and man I hope I am right!
On the up side the pain has intensified even more today! I didn't think it was possible but yep it is! Intense on BOTH sides today but the left is still taking the cake! Had a few massive painful stabs from that side! Very big OUCH.
CM watery again today and again it looks like it trying to be EW.
So another theory is Eggies aren't ready yet as it is only CD12 now and they need just a couple more days to mature and be ready :) which is all good by me! Go little eggies go!
DH was very cute this morning. Alarm had just gone off and he rolled over and cuddled me and was like, so when u do think u will ovulate? I was like any time between now and Friday! he said well we will keep digging for gold till then :P
didn't DTD or anything but he has suggested that it will be everyday until I do. I know he wants this as much as I do, and after the tuff 10months we have just been through it is a really nice feeling.
I just wish another of my friends man was as accommodating. Poor thing she is trying to do this on her own, u can't get pg on your own :( and I really want this to work for her. But without swimmers it just wont! Grumble!
So just have to patiently wait a few more days and hope something does happen. Definitely feels like its going to and even though it did last month but nothing happened I have clomid on my side this time!
By the weekend we will be in the TWW! I just know it! and man I hope I am right!
CD11
So time is ticking along, and my body is starting to tick with it!
CD11 and Ovulation is either happening or just around the corner!
The ovulation pain today was extreme. It started this morning, and intensified through out the day. It was VERY strong on the left hand side but I could feel it on the right too! The pain was all good, i didn't mind it, I know why its there, and I am happy its there. Something is happening! But wow I didn't expect this pain. Its was intense like BAD AF cramps but really concentrated in 1 area on each side. It was my normal ovulation pain x100.
Along with that I have been so horny. Always a good sign ovulation is around!
Oh yeah also had a nice temp dip this morning which when I analysed my ovulation days on FF, its basically the same temp as each other cycle the day before Ovulation. I have it on my FF home page if u want to check it out! all opinions welcome :)
Oh and CM tried to be EW today but it didn't really manage it too well, watery was far as it got, with tinny bubby bits of EW. That could be the clomid though!
So I have three theories.
1. I ovulated today and I will have a temp rise tomorrow.
2. my temp will drop again tomorrow, if it does then my estrogen is REALLY spiking and that means lots of eggies!
3. I have absolutely no idea whats so ever haha!
But based on all this data, DH and I DTD with preseed! He is unaware of the preseed which is good lol. Slipped it in while he was in the shower! haha! If no temp spike tomorrow I will try again tomorrow and again the next! With all these symptoms it should happen in the next 8 days! so I have 8 applications of preseed left so that should be HEAPS!
right! now to quiet my crazy baby thinking brain which always happens around ovulation and discuss some other things.
I had a friend who has been having some trouble lately, and she is having a very tough time. Which is completely warranted. She has gone through a very long tough journey, then after finally getting UTD she lost it! :( She is finally seeing the light on the other side though which is so good. Still a way to go but she is getting there. She will be UTD again soon, it just takes time! On the plus side she definitely ovulated and they DTD at the right time. TWW is always fun! But in this whole process she wanted to step back from TTC and that included all of us TTC. This really saddened me! A LOT. I was really sad at the thought of loosing a really good friend. But she is still here so I am so very happy again :)
Another friend, well I just wish I could help her body work a bit faster! She is so strong and resilient though. I think deep down she does know it will happen one day she just has to try and stay strong till then. I have lots of hope for her on this cycle I just hope it comes to fruition!
So another week of work is upon us! Its been a while since i posted but if i haven't mentioned it my boss looks like she is taking another job some where else. It will probably a few month transition but thats OK. She is nice enough but she does make life very hard! Micromanaging and she didn't understand the m/c thing or the need to take time off, and her communication and people skills are SHIT! will make things a bit nicer but more than likely REALLY busy! All good though!
On the very plus side by next weekend I should definitely have ovulated! WOOHOO!
Each little milestone at a time!
well enough rambling!
CD11 and Ovulation is either happening or just around the corner!
The ovulation pain today was extreme. It started this morning, and intensified through out the day. It was VERY strong on the left hand side but I could feel it on the right too! The pain was all good, i didn't mind it, I know why its there, and I am happy its there. Something is happening! But wow I didn't expect this pain. Its was intense like BAD AF cramps but really concentrated in 1 area on each side. It was my normal ovulation pain x100.
Along with that I have been so horny. Always a good sign ovulation is around!
Oh yeah also had a nice temp dip this morning which when I analysed my ovulation days on FF, its basically the same temp as each other cycle the day before Ovulation. I have it on my FF home page if u want to check it out! all opinions welcome :)
Oh and CM tried to be EW today but it didn't really manage it too well, watery was far as it got, with tinny bubby bits of EW. That could be the clomid though!
So I have three theories.
1. I ovulated today and I will have a temp rise tomorrow.
2. my temp will drop again tomorrow, if it does then my estrogen is REALLY spiking and that means lots of eggies!
3. I have absolutely no idea whats so ever haha!
But based on all this data, DH and I DTD with preseed! He is unaware of the preseed which is good lol. Slipped it in while he was in the shower! haha! If no temp spike tomorrow I will try again tomorrow and again the next! With all these symptoms it should happen in the next 8 days! so I have 8 applications of preseed left so that should be HEAPS!
right! now to quiet my crazy baby thinking brain which always happens around ovulation and discuss some other things.
I had a friend who has been having some trouble lately, and she is having a very tough time. Which is completely warranted. She has gone through a very long tough journey, then after finally getting UTD she lost it! :( She is finally seeing the light on the other side though which is so good. Still a way to go but she is getting there. She will be UTD again soon, it just takes time! On the plus side she definitely ovulated and they DTD at the right time. TWW is always fun! But in this whole process she wanted to step back from TTC and that included all of us TTC. This really saddened me! A LOT. I was really sad at the thought of loosing a really good friend. But she is still here so I am so very happy again :)
Another friend, well I just wish I could help her body work a bit faster! She is so strong and resilient though. I think deep down she does know it will happen one day she just has to try and stay strong till then. I have lots of hope for her on this cycle I just hope it comes to fruition!
So another week of work is upon us! Its been a while since i posted but if i haven't mentioned it my boss looks like she is taking another job some where else. It will probably a few month transition but thats OK. She is nice enough but she does make life very hard! Micromanaging and she didn't understand the m/c thing or the need to take time off, and her communication and people skills are SHIT! will make things a bit nicer but more than likely REALLY busy! All good though!
On the very plus side by next weekend I should definitely have ovulated! WOOHOO!
Each little milestone at a time!
well enough rambling!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Lost for words
Yesterday was a very tough day. Not for me but for some fellow TTCers. This journey can really be so very hard sometimes, I just wish I could take it away for them.
Problem is I feel really guilty. We are TTC again and we have been very lucky in the past with falling pg, so we may be lucky again this month and I do feel bad about that. I do feel I have done my time and that its my turn, I have had a horrible journey some days way worse than others. the missed m/c, the d&c, the stuffed up cycles. The pregnancy of unknown location, the continual internal examinations (while bleeding) the 2nd daily blood tests for 4 months, the in and out of hospital, the bleeding/spotting for 3-4months (everyday no let up!), the two heavy horrible m/c bleeds, having to go to work wearing maxi pads cause of the heavy m/c bleeding because I couldn't take time off work, the methotrexate injection the 3 months of just twiddling my thumbs not being able to do anything at all. But in all of this I haven't been through what these girls have. The endless months of trying and not getting anywhere. having no answers as to why, having to wait month in month out to do one test after the other to simple come up empty handed. I am never going to say I know how that feels like. It is also one thing I am exceptionally grateful for and I will not and do not take if for granted.
I am still hoping for some bfps in there this month, but its a difficult feeling when you know how upset it will make them if I get that bfp first. In a way I really really want them to get that bfp first so we can all enjoy it together. At the same time though I am 28 in a few months and I can not put of falling pg any longer because I am really running out of time.
I just hope a ray of light starts shinning for all these girls soon. They could do with some good luck and happy endings for a bit :)
On the TTC note CD8 and the Ov pain/crams are getting stronger. Had a bit of Watery CM today probably nothing though. around 6 days to go. I really do want to get excited but I think I am going to try and dull it down and keep it to myself. I don't think these girls need to hear my excitement at the moment.
On a very happy note DH bought a pram for bubby on ebay last night. Its perfect. :) its our first brought item. I guess he feels its our time too as he was very against buying anything baby related!
Problem is I feel really guilty. We are TTC again and we have been very lucky in the past with falling pg, so we may be lucky again this month and I do feel bad about that. I do feel I have done my time and that its my turn, I have had a horrible journey some days way worse than others. the missed m/c, the d&c, the stuffed up cycles. The pregnancy of unknown location, the continual internal examinations (while bleeding) the 2nd daily blood tests for 4 months, the in and out of hospital, the bleeding/spotting for 3-4months (everyday no let up!), the two heavy horrible m/c bleeds, having to go to work wearing maxi pads cause of the heavy m/c bleeding because I couldn't take time off work, the methotrexate injection the 3 months of just twiddling my thumbs not being able to do anything at all. But in all of this I haven't been through what these girls have. The endless months of trying and not getting anywhere. having no answers as to why, having to wait month in month out to do one test after the other to simple come up empty handed. I am never going to say I know how that feels like. It is also one thing I am exceptionally grateful for and I will not and do not take if for granted.
I am still hoping for some bfps in there this month, but its a difficult feeling when you know how upset it will make them if I get that bfp first. In a way I really really want them to get that bfp first so we can all enjoy it together. At the same time though I am 28 in a few months and I can not put of falling pg any longer because I am really running out of time.
I just hope a ray of light starts shinning for all these girls soon. They could do with some good luck and happy endings for a bit :)
On the TTC note CD8 and the Ov pain/crams are getting stronger. Had a bit of Watery CM today probably nothing though. around 6 days to go. I really do want to get excited but I think I am going to try and dull it down and keep it to myself. I don't think these girls need to hear my excitement at the moment.
On a very happy note DH bought a pram for bubby on ebay last night. Its perfect. :) its our first brought item. I guess he feels its our time too as he was very against buying anything baby related!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
CD7
OMG can't believe it I have been temping for 7 months and for the first time I slept through my alarm this morning! I did a temp adjuster on FF, but still! Couldn't believe it. I kinda might remember turning it off but not really!
must have really needed the sleep! Either that or perhaps my body is telling me I don't need to do that anymore and it will work out! That would be nice!
So something very cute happened yesterday, while I was in the lab DH sent me a link on MSN for a pram. He was like, is this a good one, will it have everything bubby needs? I need to know these things for father hood! Awww :) definitely bought a smile to my face!
So we are down to 7 days until possible ovulation! WOOHOO! Randomly last night though I decided to do an OPK. I didn't expect to see a line at all this early, but i was darker than any line I got last month. It was still Definitely Negative but i was a surprise as I wasn't expecting a line at all. It was also after I had drunk about 1ltr of water. So now I will probably test everyday now! Kinda annoying but will be worth it I suppose. Although not if I don't ovulate! that will just be GRRR worthy!
On another note, a TTC friend of mine is having a hard time at the moment. Seriously universe why do you find the need when someone is already having a tough time to beat them even harder with that stupid stick of yours! LEAVE HER ALONE! In fact leave us all alone for a while! we have had enough of your crap for a while! I really do hope that you aren't playing with her at the moment! I will come up there and I am sure Issy and Kate will be with me but we will BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF YOU! sorry but u deserve it if thats the case!
OK enough blabbing and threatening for 1 day!
must have really needed the sleep! Either that or perhaps my body is telling me I don't need to do that anymore and it will work out! That would be nice!
So something very cute happened yesterday, while I was in the lab DH sent me a link on MSN for a pram. He was like, is this a good one, will it have everything bubby needs? I need to know these things for father hood! Awww :) definitely bought a smile to my face!
So we are down to 7 days until possible ovulation! WOOHOO! Randomly last night though I decided to do an OPK. I didn't expect to see a line at all this early, but i was darker than any line I got last month. It was still Definitely Negative but i was a surprise as I wasn't expecting a line at all. It was also after I had drunk about 1ltr of water. So now I will probably test everyday now! Kinda annoying but will be worth it I suppose. Although not if I don't ovulate! that will just be GRRR worthy!
On another note, a TTC friend of mine is having a hard time at the moment. Seriously universe why do you find the need when someone is already having a tough time to beat them even harder with that stupid stick of yours! LEAVE HER ALONE! In fact leave us all alone for a while! we have had enough of your crap for a while! I really do hope that you aren't playing with her at the moment! I will come up there and I am sure Issy and Kate will be with me but we will BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF YOU! sorry but u deserve it if thats the case!
OK enough blabbing and threatening for 1 day!
Monday, May 24, 2010
CD6
CD6 and still spotting a little :( GRR, but its OK I suspect today will be the last day! We have been pretty active the last couple of days and at the end of AF that normally leads to spotting. So ultimately its my own fault! But after 3months with minimal action, DH and I are making up for lost time. :P
So trying to patiently wait out till ovulation! lol loosing that battle though! its around a week from tomorrow if its on time. I am still holding out hope that the Clomid did something.
but I must say OMG the hot flushes! I keep waking up in the middle of the night light I am on fire! I have to turn the fan on, take all the blankets off just to cool down! Its winter! It takes a while then I wake up freezing again. I just hope it doesn't make me sick the constant change of extremes! I've had a baby bit of cramping on the left had side. Couple of sharper ones on the right yesterday but thats about as exciting as it gets!
I still have really good vibes about everything, just getting a little nervous. I know this time feels different, but at the same time I still can't help that i will be a bit scared and nervous.
Some days the waiting game is still so hard! I just want it to hurry up. Not knowing if I will actually ovulate next week is so annoying! Still need that magic ball.
I have been so positive lately lol its been great, I have missed being this happy all the time! But now the wait just seems so long, I am getting nervous and its breaking through a little! Probably doesn't help I am REALLY tired again today! Its a side effect of clomid but the hot flushes have been keeping me up at night so I wake up feeling more tired. It will be worth it, and I just keep thinking in about 4 weeks I can test and I just might see those 2 lines! This time I will be happy to see them! :) A February baby would be so wonderful!
So trying to patiently wait out till ovulation! lol loosing that battle though! its around a week from tomorrow if its on time. I am still holding out hope that the Clomid did something.
but I must say OMG the hot flushes! I keep waking up in the middle of the night light I am on fire! I have to turn the fan on, take all the blankets off just to cool down! Its winter! It takes a while then I wake up freezing again. I just hope it doesn't make me sick the constant change of extremes! I've had a baby bit of cramping on the left had side. Couple of sharper ones on the right yesterday but thats about as exciting as it gets!
I still have really good vibes about everything, just getting a little nervous. I know this time feels different, but at the same time I still can't help that i will be a bit scared and nervous.
Some days the waiting game is still so hard! I just want it to hurry up. Not knowing if I will actually ovulate next week is so annoying! Still need that magic ball.
I have been so positive lately lol its been great, I have missed being this happy all the time! But now the wait just seems so long, I am getting nervous and its breaking through a little! Probably doesn't help I am REALLY tired again today! Its a side effect of clomid but the hot flushes have been keeping me up at night so I wake up feeling more tired. It will be worth it, and I just keep thinking in about 4 weeks I can test and I just might see those 2 lines! This time I will be happy to see them! :) A February baby would be so wonderful!
Friday, May 21, 2010
CD3
So it CD3 AF is heavy but thats good clearing my hormones and ensuring my body is ready for bubba in a few weeks. I am keeping myself 100% optimistic! :) and i have to say it feels good. This pregnancy is going to stick and its going to work!
On another note the clomid is treating me well! No real side effects. A little irritated today though but that could be from the complete lack of sleep. I am not going to go into details here but some things just annoy me, and instead of letting it bother me I am going to let it go move on and move away!
I have to say though, I have still enjoyed getting here and I have definitely made some friends for life and I will always be there for them :) Kinda like BH had to take a step back from that for a while cause it wasn't any good for me. This is kinda the same :)
On a very exciting note, I am going to go get on with the house work because once that is done I will be painting the nursery furniture! How exciting!
On another note the clomid is treating me well! No real side effects. A little irritated today though but that could be from the complete lack of sleep. I am not going to go into details here but some things just annoy me, and instead of letting it bother me I am going to let it go move on and move away!
I have to say though, I have still enjoyed getting here and I have definitely made some friends for life and I will always be there for them :) Kinda like BH had to take a step back from that for a while cause it wasn't any good for me. This is kinda the same :)
On a very exciting note, I am going to go get on with the house work because once that is done I will be painting the nursery furniture! How exciting!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
OMG
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!! Can you see it on my ticker?? Officially CD1. I can't even control my excitement at this point! I have never in my life been so happy to have AF! All I can think about now is that in 4 weeks I might be 4 weeks pregnant! I seriously feel like a little kid at Christmas! hehe
If I am lucky this month I really do hope some my TTC friends are lucky too. I know I still have one wish I really want granted and that is to actually have a strong healthy sticky pregnancy, but I have another one just as important, a fellow TTC friend who needs a little help from the universe. Please help her get some answers or find some way to get her DH home more around the right time. Just give them one small change and it might make the world of difference for her. She deserves it! PLEASE! Give her something to hope for again.
If I am lucky this month I really do hope some my TTC friends are lucky too. I know I still have one wish I really want granted and that is to actually have a strong healthy sticky pregnancy, but I have another one just as important, a fellow TTC friend who needs a little help from the universe. Please help her get some answers or find some way to get her DH home more around the right time. Just give them one small change and it might make the world of difference for her. She deserves it! PLEASE! Give her something to hope for again.
soon to be CD1 today or tomorrow
OMG the cramps :( but its all good :) hehe So temp dropped again this morning and the HEAVY CRAMPY feeling is there. AF is on her way. Today or tomorrow I would definitely say.
So on Nicker watch today lol! normally I know once it arrives but some days I do doubt myself and I am not sure with this much pain if its going to be heavy straight up. Then it will be a dash to the bathroom!
I am really looking forward to this week being over though. Been really tired :( not a fan of being really tired! Such an inconvenience, especially when we are busy at work and one girl is out sick for the week. Poor thing she went into hospital to get her Endo fixed :( she is having trouble recovering. It will be worth it in the end though. but back to the tired thing, I was walking to the car yesterday and I just wanted to collapse next to the path and sleep. Then driving home I was struggling to keep myself awake! Its interesting to know this might be an AF sign too. So I know pregnancy causes you to feel tired but probably not straight up, and I know I have seen so many girls thinking they are tired and getting excited about a bfp but then AF showing. Anyway rambling again!
not much else to report. Will Update when AF shows and I am officially CD1 and Trying :P WHOHOO!
So on Nicker watch today lol! normally I know once it arrives but some days I do doubt myself and I am not sure with this much pain if its going to be heavy straight up. Then it will be a dash to the bathroom!
I am really looking forward to this week being over though. Been really tired :( not a fan of being really tired! Such an inconvenience, especially when we are busy at work and one girl is out sick for the week. Poor thing she went into hospital to get her Endo fixed :( she is having trouble recovering. It will be worth it in the end though. but back to the tired thing, I was walking to the car yesterday and I just wanted to collapse next to the path and sleep. Then driving home I was struggling to keep myself awake! Its interesting to know this might be an AF sign too. So I know pregnancy causes you to feel tired but probably not straight up, and I know I have seen so many girls thinking they are tired and getting excited about a bfp but then AF showing. Anyway rambling again!
not much else to report. Will Update when AF shows and I am officially CD1 and Trying :P WHOHOO!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
CD33/10DPO
So Temp drop this morning so AF must be on her way! YAY! Its not below cover line so maybe tomorrow or Friday and although it means a short LP thats OK, I am hoping that is just because my cycle has been so long.
I am starting to get excited now! I went and got the clomid from the chemist last night, all ready for when AF shows up!
So our 1 year anniversary is coming up. I don't really know what to get DH! We don't have much spare money at the moment because we just bought DH a car. But I have to get him something. Hmm thinking cap is on! Will get back to you on that one :) Although a BFP would be nice :) hehe
So back to being excited, there is about 2 weeks to go, the thing is I know I need to reel that excitement back in a bit. I am having problems with my LP and it could cause problems. I do know I also need to get excited. I have waited for this for so long now, if I didn't let myself get excited the wait wouldn't have been worth it. I am worried that January will repeat itself, but I have to tell myself that it wont. Other girls have short LPs and don't end up in 5 month miscarriages!
I feel this is meant to be! If it doesn't happen and I come crashing down its OK. I will pick myself up again and try again. But for now I need that hope that this journey is for a reason!
Stupid short LP throwing in a spanner! GRR! Thing is I take a complex B vitamin everyday and have done for a VERY long time! maybe its working the wrong way for me? hmmm!
I am starting to get excited now! I went and got the clomid from the chemist last night, all ready for when AF shows up!
So our 1 year anniversary is coming up. I don't really know what to get DH! We don't have much spare money at the moment because we just bought DH a car. But I have to get him something. Hmm thinking cap is on! Will get back to you on that one :) Although a BFP would be nice :) hehe
So back to being excited, there is about 2 weeks to go, the thing is I know I need to reel that excitement back in a bit. I am having problems with my LP and it could cause problems. I do know I also need to get excited. I have waited for this for so long now, if I didn't let myself get excited the wait wouldn't have been worth it. I am worried that January will repeat itself, but I have to tell myself that it wont. Other girls have short LPs and don't end up in 5 month miscarriages!
I feel this is meant to be! If it doesn't happen and I come crashing down its OK. I will pick myself up again and try again. But for now I need that hope that this journey is for a reason!
Stupid short LP throwing in a spanner! GRR! Thing is I take a complex B vitamin everyday and have done for a VERY long time! maybe its working the wrong way for me? hmmm!
Saturday, May 15, 2010
A wonderful weekend!
I have to say I have had one of the best weekends! Its such a nice feeling! Started with the hair dresser yesterday morning! Always feels good to have a fresh new colour and cut!
Then I met up with some of the Brissy girls from SWB and it was wonderful! I guess because we have all known each other for so long, meeting face to face was like catching up with good friends. We sat and chatted for ages! Definitely looking forward to catching up with them again soon. Would be so wonderful to organise a catchup with everyone but it may be hard with everyone else in completely different spots, but still would be good if we could organise it some how!
After that DH and I went into the city for a nice romantic night! It was really nice! Went really quick but definitely worth it! We went to a really nice restaurant for dinner and well I am sure you can guess the other stuff! haha
This morning we came home, did house work and the shopping but after such a wonderful day yesterday it was still nice spending time together even though it was chores!
So other than that on the TTC front My temp went up to 36.78 a couple of days ago and I haven't had a reading that high since just after my D&C in November. So hopefully that means my body is finally producing enough progesterone again :) YAY!
Funny thing is I know its only about 3 weeks until I ovulate again and we can hopefully catch the little eggy, but I am still wishing time away. I just really can't wait to be pregnant again. I really feel this one is it for us!
Its about 7days max till AF, depending on my LP, although with temps of 36.78 my LP might return back to its normal 14days! YAY! and then another hopefully 14days till I ovulate. OMG SO EXCITED!
I know its preemptive but I am going to start the nursery next weekend. I don't want to be painting when pregnant so I think its a must to have the walls painted and the furniture. DH's older brother gave us the stuff from their kids cause they are finished. But its a crappy brown stain. I would love to paint it white but seeing has BIL made it I will see if that is OK because I know once its white you can't take it back to a wood colour. If not I will stain it a nice rich colour.
Well enough rambling for one day! Of and AF must be building up because I was dragon lady today! PMS MEGA! I just wanted to rip everyones head off today for absolutely no reason! poor DH!
Then I met up with some of the Brissy girls from SWB and it was wonderful! I guess because we have all known each other for so long, meeting face to face was like catching up with good friends. We sat and chatted for ages! Definitely looking forward to catching up with them again soon. Would be so wonderful to organise a catchup with everyone but it may be hard with everyone else in completely different spots, but still would be good if we could organise it some how!
After that DH and I went into the city for a nice romantic night! It was really nice! Went really quick but definitely worth it! We went to a really nice restaurant for dinner and well I am sure you can guess the other stuff! haha
This morning we came home, did house work and the shopping but after such a wonderful day yesterday it was still nice spending time together even though it was chores!
So other than that on the TTC front My temp went up to 36.78 a couple of days ago and I haven't had a reading that high since just after my D&C in November. So hopefully that means my body is finally producing enough progesterone again :) YAY!
Funny thing is I know its only about 3 weeks until I ovulate again and we can hopefully catch the little eggy, but I am still wishing time away. I just really can't wait to be pregnant again. I really feel this one is it for us!
Its about 7days max till AF, depending on my LP, although with temps of 36.78 my LP might return back to its normal 14days! YAY! and then another hopefully 14days till I ovulate. OMG SO EXCITED!
I know its preemptive but I am going to start the nursery next weekend. I don't want to be painting when pregnant so I think its a must to have the walls painted and the furniture. DH's older brother gave us the stuff from their kids cause they are finished. But its a crappy brown stain. I would love to paint it white but seeing has BIL made it I will see if that is OK because I know once its white you can't take it back to a wood colour. If not I will stain it a nice rich colour.
Well enough rambling for one day! Of and AF must be building up because I was dragon lady today! PMS MEGA! I just wanted to rip everyones head off today for absolutely no reason! poor DH!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Its a Good Day!
WOW who would have thought that yesterday when I woke up that today would be such a good day!
I was really iffy on whether or not I should contact my OBGYN about my late ovulation, but the thought of waiting until July was just far too depressing! And I would have been kicking myself if I did wait and I didn't need to!
So this was his reply!
________________________________________________________________________________
Hi Michelle,
Well at least you are ovulating – that is promising !
I think the Methotrexate would be well and truly out of your system by now so if you were to conceive in the next cycle I don’t think that would be a huge issue at all. It was probably overkill to say 3 months but just precautionary all the same.
You could try Clomiphene on the next cycle. I wouldn’t have an issue with that if you want to expedite things. The risk of twins is 5%. Side effects include vision blurring, bloating, nausea and breast tenderness on days 1 – 5 of the cycle when you take it. Ovulation should be about day 12 – 16 after Clomiphene. It won’t affect the development of the embryo.
Well let me know what you think. I can send out a prescription if that’s any help.
Cheers,
___________________________________________________________________________
Well that got me SO VERY excited but I knew I had to talk to DH first! If he was still against it I would have dealt with it and tried to be patient and waited! But I showed him the email and it was all he needed! He is happy to start trying again.
So now that Eggy from this month is well and truly gone, we actually DTD last night no contraception and if was so nice. It was the connection that we had been missing for ages. OK this is going to sound corny but it was love making not just sex!
I have decided to go with the Clomid, I am just too scared to have a repeat of the last 5 months so if that little drug can guarantee I ovulate on time I am all for it!
So yep all excited now! possibly 3 weeks till I ovulate again and we find out on the 18th if I am pregnant again. I think I am so excited because I felt like this day was never going to get here! I really think this is going to be the one! The sticky healthy one :)
On another note I am really excited to be meeting a few of the other BH/SWB girls tomorrow. I actually feel a little guilty though because I have had this good news and things are on the up for me. 2 of them are still stuck in that horrible guessing game of when! and that is such a horrible feeling :( I wish I could take it away for them! Give them some answers! Unfortunately life just isn't that simple! Be still so wonderful to meet them, I feel like I know them so well already, but meeting in flesh makes it all the more real that we are there for each other no matter what!
So wait for AF and AWAY we go! WHOOHOO!
I was really iffy on whether or not I should contact my OBGYN about my late ovulation, but the thought of waiting until July was just far too depressing! And I would have been kicking myself if I did wait and I didn't need to!
So this was his reply!
________________________________________________________________________________
Hi Michelle,
Well at least you are ovulating – that is promising !
I think the Methotrexate would be well and truly out of your system by now so if you were to conceive in the next cycle I don’t think that would be a huge issue at all. It was probably overkill to say 3 months but just precautionary all the same.
You could try Clomiphene on the next cycle. I wouldn’t have an issue with that if you want to expedite things. The risk of twins is 5%. Side effects include vision blurring, bloating, nausea and breast tenderness on days 1 – 5 of the cycle when you take it. Ovulation should be about day 12 – 16 after Clomiphene. It won’t affect the development of the embryo.
Well let me know what you think. I can send out a prescription if that’s any help.
Cheers,
___________________________________________________________________________
Well that got me SO VERY excited but I knew I had to talk to DH first! If he was still against it I would have dealt with it and tried to be patient and waited! But I showed him the email and it was all he needed! He is happy to start trying again.
So now that Eggy from this month is well and truly gone, we actually DTD last night no contraception and if was so nice. It was the connection that we had been missing for ages. OK this is going to sound corny but it was love making not just sex!
I have decided to go with the Clomid, I am just too scared to have a repeat of the last 5 months so if that little drug can guarantee I ovulate on time I am all for it!
So yep all excited now! possibly 3 weeks till I ovulate again and we find out on the 18th if I am pregnant again. I think I am so excited because I felt like this day was never going to get here! I really think this is going to be the one! The sticky healthy one :)
On another note I am really excited to be meeting a few of the other BH/SWB girls tomorrow. I actually feel a little guilty though because I have had this good news and things are on the up for me. 2 of them are still stuck in that horrible guessing game of when! and that is such a horrible feeling :( I wish I could take it away for them! Give them some answers! Unfortunately life just isn't that simple! Be still so wonderful to meet them, I feel like I know them so well already, but meeting in flesh makes it all the more real that we are there for each other no matter what!
So wait for AF and AWAY we go! WHOOHOO!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Empty!
So my head is all foggy and needs a clean out! Be warned if ur reading this I have no idea where this post is going to go! Probably Bad the way I am feeling right now!
So no AF today. Temp has gone up to 36.61 so I have a feeling she is going to stay away for a few days! This pushes me up shit creek without a paddle.
Thing is I feel so alone right now, and I hate this feeling! I know men are from a different planet but seriously surely they have a brain!
My other half is religious no sorry he has faith, church did some pretty shit things to him so now he doesn't like going but yes he still has faith. Which is fine, but seriously when bad shit happens then keeps happening please don't preach to me. I don't want to be told, have faith it will all work out. Well i fucking thought that last time! and the time before that!
I just can't talk to him about this anymore. He has no idea how a cycle works, so if I got AF today we would have been trying late June now that hasn't happened, its either early June or July. DH says have faith your cycle will return next month and we can try late June. Like seriously I just said late June isn't happening anymore! So then he says well we can wait till July or August or when your cycle returns I don't want u taking any drugs. Coming from someone who loves his pot, although I refuse to let him smoke it anymore after we lost the last baby to genetic abnormalities. But till my cycle returns! WTF will that be? 6 months, 12 months?
Thing is my life is on hold because I am doing everything I can to make myself perfect for when we are pregnant again. That means I am doing EVERYTHING I would be doing if I was pregnant. He doesn't have to do any of that. He just carries on with life perfectly normal! 99% of the time he doesn't even know I am upset. He is a typical ozzie bloke that has no idea about women. I knew that when I married him, I just didn't think when I was hurting this bad he would busy himself with everything else so he didn't have to deal with my girly shit!
As for the faith thing, seriously how much is 1 person supposed to be able to deal with. You pick yourself, and carry on with life, you do the responsible things, you are a good person. But something new comes along to yet again test you and sometimes I just wonder why?
I go to work everyday, I have bought a house, I am in a happy marriage where we both love each other very much (well most of the time!) all in preparation to have a family. Yet for some reason we are deemed to not be able to have children yet? I look back to my younger years where I spent so long trying not to fall pregnant, was I always destined for this path? If things had been different would having children been easier when I was younger? I know they are all what ifs and whys etc! I am glad i didn't have kids with anyone else, I just want them so bad no with the man and for some reason we are not able to...is someone trying to tell us something?
So I don't know where to right now! everything just feels like shit. I have no goals I can work toward, no date to look forward to. No trying to achieve anything. Simply get up go to work everyday, come home and go to bed. Weekends,house work! thats it!
I simply feel completely empty!
So something I just thought of, if I wasn't charting, and I had absolutely no idea where I was in my cycle, we are able to try again from the 2nd June, would DH be happy to try then? Even thought the reason I am charting so that I don't loose another one. That if something was wrong I would know and we could do something about it! But now he doesn't want me to do anything about it! Just patiently wait for "God" to work his shit out! Sorry he is too busy getting that Druggo down the street pregnant!
Sorry if u have faith, like I said I have no problem with it and I don't judge just like I hope I am not judged. Some days I can't help but question things! I have trouble accepting blind faith! Its the rational scientist I suppose! I believe in something I just don't know what yet, I am still searching, but that discussion is a long one for my other blog sometime.
I am sure this will pass and I will pick myself up! I have no choice and I have done it so many times. But for today I am going to feel down for a little longer!
So no AF today. Temp has gone up to 36.61 so I have a feeling she is going to stay away for a few days! This pushes me up shit creek without a paddle.
Thing is I feel so alone right now, and I hate this feeling! I know men are from a different planet but seriously surely they have a brain!
My other half is religious no sorry he has faith, church did some pretty shit things to him so now he doesn't like going but yes he still has faith. Which is fine, but seriously when bad shit happens then keeps happening please don't preach to me. I don't want to be told, have faith it will all work out. Well i fucking thought that last time! and the time before that!
I just can't talk to him about this anymore. He has no idea how a cycle works, so if I got AF today we would have been trying late June now that hasn't happened, its either early June or July. DH says have faith your cycle will return next month and we can try late June. Like seriously I just said late June isn't happening anymore! So then he says well we can wait till July or August or when your cycle returns I don't want u taking any drugs. Coming from someone who loves his pot, although I refuse to let him smoke it anymore after we lost the last baby to genetic abnormalities. But till my cycle returns! WTF will that be? 6 months, 12 months?
Thing is my life is on hold because I am doing everything I can to make myself perfect for when we are pregnant again. That means I am doing EVERYTHING I would be doing if I was pregnant. He doesn't have to do any of that. He just carries on with life perfectly normal! 99% of the time he doesn't even know I am upset. He is a typical ozzie bloke that has no idea about women. I knew that when I married him, I just didn't think when I was hurting this bad he would busy himself with everything else so he didn't have to deal with my girly shit!
As for the faith thing, seriously how much is 1 person supposed to be able to deal with. You pick yourself, and carry on with life, you do the responsible things, you are a good person. But something new comes along to yet again test you and sometimes I just wonder why?
I go to work everyday, I have bought a house, I am in a happy marriage where we both love each other very much (well most of the time!) all in preparation to have a family. Yet for some reason we are deemed to not be able to have children yet? I look back to my younger years where I spent so long trying not to fall pregnant, was I always destined for this path? If things had been different would having children been easier when I was younger? I know they are all what ifs and whys etc! I am glad i didn't have kids with anyone else, I just want them so bad no with the man and for some reason we are not able to...is someone trying to tell us something?
So I don't know where to right now! everything just feels like shit. I have no goals I can work toward, no date to look forward to. No trying to achieve anything. Simply get up go to work everyday, come home and go to bed. Weekends,house work! thats it!
I simply feel completely empty!
So something I just thought of, if I wasn't charting, and I had absolutely no idea where I was in my cycle, we are able to try again from the 2nd June, would DH be happy to try then? Even thought the reason I am charting so that I don't loose another one. That if something was wrong I would know and we could do something about it! But now he doesn't want me to do anything about it! Just patiently wait for "God" to work his shit out! Sorry he is too busy getting that Druggo down the street pregnant!
Sorry if u have faith, like I said I have no problem with it and I don't judge just like I hope I am not judged. Some days I can't help but question things! I have trouble accepting blind faith! Its the rational scientist I suppose! I believe in something I just don't know what yet, I am still searching, but that discussion is a long one for my other blog sometime.
I am sure this will pass and I will pick myself up! I have no choice and I have done it so many times. But for today I am going to feel down for a little longer!
CD26/3DPO WTF
So i have had a rather shit day! I have tried to not let things get to me but easier said than done. I don't know why I am struggling so much to move past this right now, but I am and it sucks! I was putting it down to AF but who knows what is going on there.
So My temp was up again this morning, I was completely ignoring it lol! You know if you don't admit things they seriously aren't there. But a good friend from SWB noticed it too :( and I think she is right. I think I only ovulated 3days ago. Seriously for F**CKS sake! I have gone from falling pg easily, to thinking it would all be OK and I would be able to have a baby, to having a completely shit cycle and no end in sight! I seem to have done it the other way around to everyone else. Not problems falling pg to having trouble TTC! I am up to 8 months, who knows how longer this could take. I am 28in November, I want more than 1 baby but time is running out!
Some days I wonder if it is really this hard perhaps someone is trying to tell me something?
So Things were going around and around in my head after that! Started with well it still feels like AF will be here tomorrow, that makes my LP 3days! hmmm scary, but hopefully the next cycle is better. I am still really really really hoping that this is what happens. The other scenario is that due to a late ovulation my AF will be pushed back up to 11days. That being the case then I will ovulate after the 2nd of June in the next cycle and we can actually try then. But as much as I would really like to do that, I would be so scared of my cycle still being stuffed, and if it is I honestly wouldn't have the strength to go through another m/c. But the thought of waiting till July/August is just as depressing! So my other thought that if it is pushed back and we do try next cycle, I will only do it if I am on something like Clomid to ensure I ovulate around CD14.
So it was getting me down today, still riding on AF is due so my emotions are really on edge, I tried to talk to DH about it on the way home! In typical boy style with in 2 mins he was over it and going on like I was some TTC psycho maniac. Now this makes me really really sad. I need to be able to talk to him and lately I just can't. I am really hurting sometimes and I just need him to be there. To talk to me. But he wont, always says he has too much of a headache to talk or what ever. I just feel so distant from him right now. We aren't talking, we are always fighting. We never DTD anymore, I just feel so far away from him. And when things like this happen I feel even further away, like my feelings mean absolute shit to him!
So Gotten myself into a bit of a whole! I think I am going to have tomorrow off work and see if I can get my head into a better place! Just not up for it!
So sad :(
So My temp was up again this morning, I was completely ignoring it lol! You know if you don't admit things they seriously aren't there. But a good friend from SWB noticed it too :( and I think she is right. I think I only ovulated 3days ago. Seriously for F**CKS sake! I have gone from falling pg easily, to thinking it would all be OK and I would be able to have a baby, to having a completely shit cycle and no end in sight! I seem to have done it the other way around to everyone else. Not problems falling pg to having trouble TTC! I am up to 8 months, who knows how longer this could take. I am 28in November, I want more than 1 baby but time is running out!
Some days I wonder if it is really this hard perhaps someone is trying to tell me something?
So Things were going around and around in my head after that! Started with well it still feels like AF will be here tomorrow, that makes my LP 3days! hmmm scary, but hopefully the next cycle is better. I am still really really really hoping that this is what happens. The other scenario is that due to a late ovulation my AF will be pushed back up to 11days. That being the case then I will ovulate after the 2nd of June in the next cycle and we can actually try then. But as much as I would really like to do that, I would be so scared of my cycle still being stuffed, and if it is I honestly wouldn't have the strength to go through another m/c. But the thought of waiting till July/August is just as depressing! So my other thought that if it is pushed back and we do try next cycle, I will only do it if I am on something like Clomid to ensure I ovulate around CD14.
So it was getting me down today, still riding on AF is due so my emotions are really on edge, I tried to talk to DH about it on the way home! In typical boy style with in 2 mins he was over it and going on like I was some TTC psycho maniac. Now this makes me really really sad. I need to be able to talk to him and lately I just can't. I am really hurting sometimes and I just need him to be there. To talk to me. But he wont, always says he has too much of a headache to talk or what ever. I just feel so distant from him right now. We aren't talking, we are always fighting. We never DTD anymore, I just feel so far away from him. And when things like this happen I feel even further away, like my feelings mean absolute shit to him!
So Gotten myself into a bit of a whole! I think I am going to have tomorrow off work and see if I can get my head into a better place! Just not up for it!
So sad :(
Monday, May 10, 2010
CD25/8DPO??
So here is the deal, was busting for the loo at 4am this morning and I took my temp 36.61! OMG! a post ovulation temp! lol! quickly went to the bathroom and at 5am when my alarm went off I took it again 36.51.
So here is what I am thinking, the temperature at night has settled a bit, but it dropped to really really cold around when I ovulated. It would have been a big shock for my body and perhaps why my BBT didn't jump up. Either way I definitely think I ovulated and I definitely think AF is on the way. Thursday or Friday I would pin. Cramps are getting bad today and CM is GONE! so that normally happens for 2-3days before she shows up.
I have to say I am very relieved and excited now. My body is working :) One more cycle to go and away we go! I can do 30days!
So here is what I am thinking, the temperature at night has settled a bit, but it dropped to really really cold around when I ovulated. It would have been a big shock for my body and perhaps why my BBT didn't jump up. Either way I definitely think I ovulated and I definitely think AF is on the way. Thursday or Friday I would pin. Cramps are getting bad today and CM is GONE! so that normally happens for 2-3days before she shows up.
I have to say I am very relieved and excited now. My body is working :) One more cycle to go and away we go! I can do 30days!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Tick Tock, Tick Tock!
Time ever so slowly ticks on by! I think as I get down to the less than 3days to go things start to drag on. I am down to 3weeks2days!
So I did some adding up before, to see if seeing it this way will help me any.
It has been 101 days since I found out I was pg back in January. Its been 62 days since the Methotrexate injection and there is 31days (if my cycle remains normal) until The round where we can actually start TTC again. Even though Condoms are gone from the 2nd June those swimmers will be swimming toward nothing! So all up it will have been 132 since this mess started! OMG that is a lot! but when looking at it that way 101 down 31 to go...it isn't too bad! I think once I get into the next cycle I will feel so much better. But not knowing if I ovulated this month I have no definite idea that AF is actually going to arrive on time at all!
So I did some adding up before, to see if seeing it this way will help me any.
It has been 101 days since I found out I was pg back in January. Its been 62 days since the Methotrexate injection and there is 31days (if my cycle remains normal) until The round where we can actually start TTC again. Even though Condoms are gone from the 2nd June those swimmers will be swimming toward nothing! So all up it will have been 132 since this mess started! OMG that is a lot! but when looking at it that way 101 down 31 to go...it isn't too bad! I think once I get into the next cycle I will feel so much better. But not knowing if I ovulated this month I have no definite idea that AF is actually going to arrive on time at all!
Another day passes!
So the count down very slowly continues. As the time approaches I just wish it would hurry up even more. I went for a run today, and all I could think was I would give anything to be pregnant again, healthy pregnant that is.
Over the last two months, I have thought about change, my career, my job, my home, etc etc. I keep thinking of all these thing I could and should be planning and doing. But if I am honest with myself its simply a mechanism to try and get my mind off the fact that I am still not pregnant!
I remember watching Dr Phil once, must have been the only time I have ever watched it! But he was going on about silos in our life. We have one for work, one for Job, family, relationship etc. When one of these silos is really low we start to try and compensate in other silos. Say for example we are really happy in our job, if we have been single for a while, and it starts to make us unhappy we start to actually think it is our job, and start to attack that and improve that, even though it was never the problem in the first place. So for me at the moment, everything is probably really great except for the family thing. If I had kids I probably wouldn't question my job at all, although I am not finding it challenging and my boss is a pain in the arse, it isn't that bad, I can go in everyday and be OK. But because we are having trouble achieving that family and it is making me unhappy, I am starting to think its other areas that are the problem. Like my house, or job or relationship etc. I think a job change will fix everything but it will probably just shift the problem for a while!
So I am not sure if this realisation will actually help any. Hopefully it will. I know that I don't really like my job right now and I would like something I am more passionate about more challenging, I I know as soon as I am pregnant, none of that is going to matter!
All I want right now is a to be pregnant and to have a baby. I know I will get that eventually I just need to chill for a while, just enjoy life, not try and attack every other part of my life and try to stay settled, and I will get to the destination eventually!
Easier said than done of course. I have been baking a bit lately, and doing little things around the house that I have been putting off, like finally getting all the photos up and pictures etc. Little things like that are finally making this place finally feel like home, and its helping me settle a little!
Another flat temperature today so I am thinking maybe I did ovulate, but because its been really cold here the last week or so it could mean my BBT has dropped a few degrees? Maybe! I am starting to get normal pre AF symptoms, No CM, Cramps, backache, breakout, bloating, gassy. And its 4 days before so that is about right :) fingers crossed things stay on the right path! I am starting to get excited at the same time because if AF does arrive then I will be in my last cycle before TTC again WHOOHOO!!!
Friday, May 7, 2010
CD22
So I am trying to find some edge of optimism here, my temperatures have plateaued, well except for the jump from lack of sleep the other night. That usually only happens after ovulation for me. So maybe just maybe I did ovulate. I would have been around CD17 which would have been fine! I will keep holding out on hope for that, even though I know it is EXTREMELY far fetched!
So going on that I would be expecting AF no later than next Sunday! so Fingers crossed! lol I just realised that I have been a night away in the city next weekend with DH and AF should hopefully be here. Hmm that sounds like a lot of fun! NOT!
Might have to reschedule that for the following week! Well unless AF is late then it might be that weekend. Oh who knows!
Nothing much to update from me though, still plottering along! I have been watching One Tree Hill lately. Love TV series like that! but anyway, the season I have just watched, 2 people just found out they are pregnant and they both have announced it to the world. they are more worried about accidental falling pregnant and the impact it will have on their lives, not the thought of possibly loosing it! I guess that scenario does actually happen for some people!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
CD21
Wow so glad its Friday!
Somedays I just really with I had some rose coloured optimism. I know my OB said he thinks I will be perfectly fine, I am young and my success rate should be good, I just don't see it.
I mean I know people have anovulatory cycles all the time but I never have :( so seeing AF come next Thursday would be a miracle. I just keep telling myself even though I ovulated late in my January cycle my AF still arrived on time. So I am hoping and praying that is still the case this time. I just know I will be completely gutted if she doesn't arrive.
I have been struggling the last couple of days. Its like babies aren't really real! I don't have any close around me, I see other women, but I think perhaps they are just a figment of my imagination.
This is a little selfish of me I guess, but when I found out my friend lost her baby on Wednesday, of course I was completely gutted and devastated for her, but I was also upset because I was really really looking forward to having a baby around. She only lives just down the road from me, and I have never really been around babies. I know it wouldn't put the fire out in my heart how much I want my own, but to just have one close would be so nice. DH's family have kids but they don't live near us, and none of our other friends are at that point yet. I have the friend that is due 1 week before I was and I am looking forward to going over and seeing her little man when he arrives, but she lives so far away too :(
I was also upset because seeing her pg made me start to believe in the miracle of pregnancy again. To believe it was possible. There are a couple of other girls in our TTC pg too but they still aren't flesh and blood to me yet. Hopefully one day we can meet but it still isn't real. To see a friend close by slowly grow her little bump and to get excited with her about EVERYTHING, I was really excited about pregnancy again. But its all gone. I know we will still go through the journey together but she will be sadly cynical like me now :( No matter how much you want to believe everything will be OK, deep down in your gut you will always fear the worst, because you know how the worst really feels!
I just can't see the dream becoming a reality at this point. I know I will be a mum, but I guess until I feel the baby move inside of me, or hold it in my arms, I am too scared to believe it will happen.
Lots of rambling today! Mainly because I am tired and still completely over work! I would be going on maternity leave soon. hmmm :( I am still very sad about that, but its different now. I am more upset about the chance of miscarriage. Firstly I never thought it would happen to me, let alone twice, but to see it happen so much around me too. I know there is nothing I can do about it, just wish i had a little magic ball I could see into the future and see if my next pregnancy will be OK. I think if I know I would loose it, even though I know its the course of life, I would still get pregnant, but I wouldn't be attached as I would know what was coming. But if I see its successful then I would be able to cherish the pregnancy instead of stressing about it.
Oh I am going to stop rambling now that probably isn't making any sense at all.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Lost for words
I really don't know what to say today! I am so angry, a friend of mine found out yesterday her baby didn't make it. It is one of the HARDEST things to ever go through. Off to a scan all nervous, worried something could be wrong but excited to see bub, then the technician telling you your baby has died. Its like those words just echo in your head as its starts spinning, and your whole world just crashes down around you. The next few days/weeks are a complete blur as you try to pull yourself together.
I know nothing I can say or do will make it any better for her, I will just be there for her when ever she needs me, but I just wish so much that I could take this pain away for her.
I just don't get it. She is young, healthy, she TTC for 12months before she got this one, genetically her eggs should have been great. Her DH has super sperm so they should have been fine too. WHY! I know I went through all these questions too, but for me I had only been off the pill 3 months and we are older so egg viability could be a problem. But not for her!
COME ON! this world is really starting to give me the complete irrats! Women who actually want babies are REALLY REALLY struggling yet there are so many women everyday walking into abortion clinics! if stats have anything to go by if they just wait they might loose it anyway! Knowing there luck though because they don't want it they will get to keep it!
I am just so angry about it all! I hate that the innocence and joy of pregnancy has been yet again stripped from another beautiful woman!
I know her pain and because of this I am so gutted, I can't stop crying. My thoughts will be with her all day as she goes through the final physical step and then for the next few months as she battles the emotional heartache.
quick update from me CD20 and still no ovulation! PLEASE let AF arrive next Friday PLEASE! Going by the luck of things, it wont arrive and there goes June! :(
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
CD19/4weeks
So we are CD19! still no Ovualation, but things may be looking up. Water CM started again yesterday, may have been a little dob of EW. Ovulation pain started on the left this morning, so perhaps my body gave up on the right ovary and the left is now giving it a go.
Emailed my OB yesterday. He was saying to wait out this cycle, he said it could be anovulatory or I did ovulate by my temp just didn't go up. I doubt that but he is always optimistic! he said he can send me forms, for tests on CD21 to see if I have, if he sends them I will get it checked, if not oh well, not really going to change anything. He wants to go the next cycle clean, and if that still doesn't work, we can TTC the next cycle and he will prescribe something to help with ovulation.
So depending on when this cycle actually finishes we are still on track. If it goes past the 27days out TTC will probably fall in July! which is CRAP but I am just holding out hope that things will stay on track!
Oh and we are down to 4 weeks till we can TTC again. although that may not be the case anymore because if my cycle extends this month ovulation will be pushed back next month and it will be cutting close to the 2nd June! no unprotected sex until after the next ovulation!
Monday, May 3, 2010
Broken Engine
So yet again another day and yet again my engine decided not to start!
I am starting to think this might be an anovulatory cycle. YAY! I am not sure if I should be happy or sad about that. On the up side, no eggs are wasted. On the down side its one big F**KED up cycle!
Even DH last night was a little concerned that I may not ovulate. He reaction was well go and see the Dr straight away we can't have that happening. I think he finally realised how important it is for my body to be working and why I am going through all this rubbish to make sure it is!
So I am going to try and wait patiently for CD21, if I still haven't ovulated by then I will email my Dr, I am not sure what he is going to say, but I think this would be the first time my body hasn't ovulated so now we are looking at something a little more serious! I always thought I would have no problem getting pg again, that thought is very rapidly fading!
I am lucky this week is going to be flat out at work. My manager is away and we have so much on, so it will keep my mind off things. Other wise I will just be all depressed!
I should be all excited that we get to TTC again next month, but with this stuffed up cycle we definitely need to wait another one to see if we can fix it, and if I still haven't ovulated yet, my body might have one of those dreaded 40day cycles, which pushes me out to July/Aug to trying again.
The more I think about it the sadder I get.
On another note had a very productive weekend. Have to love long weekends for that. We renovated the laundry so its all nice now. A few little things still do and add but mostly done. So thats another thing off my list. Soon I can start the nursery. I will paint it and do the cupboard and things, but I wont start furnishing it until I am pg :( which at this point is no where in sight!
CD21 is Friday! At least that is the weekend too!
*Full blog written in complete monotone! no happiness or sadness, just the feeling of infinite TTC!* I feel I have experienced enough from my journey, I have grown as a person, feel stronger in my character, and feel I am a much better, more compassionate and understanding person oh and of course more patient. I am ready to reach my destination now and you can now pass on this journey to someone else you feel needs it. I am guessing that is why I have been put through all this because I needed to be tested. You have tested me enough, seriously what else do I need to do to pass?
Sunday, May 2, 2010
CD17 and still no ovulation WTF?
So its another day and still no ovulation! :( so completely crap and depressing!
Had a massive temp dip again today, so we will see what it brings! Not holding out much hope though! I just expected too much I suppose, the more I want something the further away it gets, well when its something that I can't control that is. If I could control it and put my mind and focus toward achieving it fine! but this there is no way I can make things happen. So the further away it slips.
Now I am in two minds about what to do. I want to contact my doctor to see what he says, but at the same time I know he will say oh just wait until AF arrives then we can go from there. Or wait another cycle and see what happens. I am 27 all I imagine is every month all my eggs just passing me bye! I don't have that many left!
AF is due next Friday so we will see I guess I am just to very very tired of this whole thing!
Also sick today :( start of a migraine me thinks, went to dinner at a friends place the other night and she made me some tea. Although it was herbal it was black and probably contained tannin :( so crap, because I had gone so long without one!
I guess its just wait,wait and wait some more!
Seriously SCREW YOU!
Saturday, May 1, 2010
GRRR!
Thats about all I can manage right now! I mean come on! Still no sign of ovulation. CM had dried up completely. my body just has absolutely no idea what the F**K it is meant to be doing! Seriously body your 27 get a grip! you have been at this a VERY long time now it should just be 2nd nature by now!
so I am CD16 now, my guess at least a couple of days still, which is just slowly shortening my LP! YAY!
I have taken out my opk's from last cycle, just going simply on temperature. It says C14 with a 12day LP. I can't take too much on the CD for ovulation though because It was after the m/c and the bleeding wasn't really AF it was part of the m/c, just happened to be light bleeding so FF put it down as a new cycle, and timing wise it was perfect for CD's for the next cycle!
I just have this horrible feeling that June is going to go poof into thin air! just plan outright SUCKS!
I am so over it today! I mean why the f**k is it so god damn hard to have a baby,when there are so many women out there popping them out like there is no tomorrow. So many accidents! AGH this is just making me angrier! hmm going to meet Nani for coffee and then going to work! Coffee good, work BAD! on the plus side no one will be at work, and there is no work tomorrow! YAY! hmm still shitty!
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