Technology

It amazes me how obsessed Tyler is with his new iPad. I never had intentions of buying him one until he was older but we actually got given one from day care as part of a promotional offer when I started sending him so we decided it would be Tyler's. I spent a little while the other day downloading some free apps for him and omg he is obsessed. I only let him play with it for 30mins or so twice a day as I think learning technology in this day and age is as important as the rest but the tantrums he throws and that go on for over 40mins when I take it off him are out of control. Well scratch that lol I had to sort some stuff out and couldn't finish my blog entry earlier and in the couple of hours its taken me to get back here he has broken the iPad! Oh well! I hadn't had a chance to get a sturdy case for it and he dropped it. Such fragile things. Might be fixable will have to look at it more closely when I get a chance.

He is an absolute chatter box at the moment and his vocabulary and understanding astound me every day but I absolutely love when he has a full on conversation with me. I usually have absolutely no idea what on earth he is saying but love listening to him chatter away.

Little Blake is all but off and crawling. Thinking in the next week or so. He has awesome technique lol not like his bull in a china shop brother that wanted something and just found his way to get it. Blake gets right up into his hands and knees and moves one knee nicely forward which in turn causes a face plant lol. He just needs to work out what to do with the hands and to move one knee after the other. He gets super frustrated at not being able to get around so he is trying so hard.
Tyler tries to help him out by trying to pick him up or rolling him across the floor. So funny to watch. Poor Blakey definitely cops it. He seems to enjoy his brother playing with him though.

On the ttc#3 front cd11 opks negative but there is a least a 2nd very faint line now suggesting there is actually some LH present. No EWCM yet unlike last cycle that started on cd11. We DTD unprotected last night same timing as last cycle so I very much doubt we would end up pregnant but there is still that very very slight possibility. Guess it will depend when I actually ovulate as to how much of a chance there is. If we don't end up pregnant and I ovulate on cd14 it will help in regard to timing next cycle. We r still trying to sway for a girl so we want to DTD as far out from ovulation as possible. Thinking maybe 3 days? If we don't fall this cycle and I ovulate cd14 that's 4 days so 3 might do the trick? This is why swaying for a girl may take us a lot longer to fall pregnant. Maybe after 6 months we will just DTD closer to ovulation but I do want to go for a few months DTD a few days out. We have done 5 1/2 days, now possibly 4 days next 2-3 cycles we will try 3 days, the following 3-4 cycles try 2 days and bang its 6 months. Glad I have decided to use opks this cycle it was certainly doing my head in not know of or when I did ovulate.

Both boys are off at the moment, I think they both have ear aches so I am going to try and get them to the dr this week but they are also both teething, Blake's reflux just seems to get worse and worse so I might have a chat to the dr about that or even take him back to the CHN and see what she says. With all this going on I think omg can I really do 3 under 3? I know its going to be full on and I know I can do it but it still does cause some thoughts of anxiety every now and again.

Time for number 3

So B and I sat down last night and finally agreed next cycle it is. I am very excited but also very nervous. We didn't ttc with Blake we were very lucky it just happened. B and I were separated and one night of pure passion and us just letting go and loving each other ended in me being pregnant with him. I guess looking back he was the shinning light that bought us back together.
Little Blake was just meant to be and we are so blessed to have him. Don't get me wrong we still have tough days especially with B and the business and the extra stresses that brings but we are in a much better place. B still battles with the cruxes he uses when stressed but we talk about it a lot more and we are dealing with them together as a team. Having less involvement from either of our families makes it much easier, I can be there for him and him for me with out anyone else in our ear telling us how they think life is supposed to be.

Anyway so B and I both said before we got married we always wanted 4 kids. Financially that's probably not going to happen but we will see one baby at a time. I'm 31 this year B is 32 so not spring chickens and ultimately I would like to just have our family and for us to live our life. 3 under 3 will be hard but that doesn't worry me.

I have wanted a girl and keep thinking oh no what if its a boy how will I feel. Since we had that oh no maybe whoopsy Last cycle i know I have wanted another baby sooner rather than later. I kept thinking I really really want a girl definitely not a boy but recently I saw a picture of a friends new born little boy and my heart ached for a baby a boy or girl. Giving Blake his bottle and the love I feel for my 2 boys I would love another boy. I just want more kids. I do definitely want a girl I feel it in my heart there is a girl in my life but I wouldn't be disappointed if I found out it was a boy this time. Make sense? Lol

Anyway so after sitting down and talking about it last night we decided on next cycle. So that's the weekend of my sisters wedding. Well the days leading up before we head away we DTD. I will find out mid August.
This is the part that scares me. Ttc. It's a horrible journey. U put so much hope into it. I'm on a girl friendly diet and will DTD 2-3days before OV to increases the chances
Of a girl but what if no pregnancy? What about miscarriages? After our horrible start we were so very lucky to have 2 easy pregnancies and births. Might not be the case this time. My cycle is a bit wacky. Ovulated late last cycle AF came smack on time for a normal cycle but 2 days early for the late ovulation. If I did indeed ovulate then.
I am cd9 now and have started doing opks to see if and when i might be ovulating, i haven't seen any EWCM so shouldn't really bother with them until I do but I got 60 cheapies off eBay and I am so hoping we are lucky first try and I won't need anywhere near that many so just going to indulge my poas addiction and test away.

I am so so so so looking forward to being pregnant again. I am looking forward to slowing down and treasuring it. With Tyler I was petrified the whole time after 2 miscarriages then with Blake so much was going on and b and I were all over the place so it was so stressful. I want to really take the time to enjoy feeling every movement and kick, not rush the pregnancy and try my hardest to get bub out at the end. Well unless its a week late. I want to do a maternity shoot no matter how much I hate how I look. I want to involve B and the boys. Do all that kind of stuff. It very well might be my last pregnancy so I want to really cherish it.

One of the biggest decisions to make and its one i want to discuss with B when we have more time and that's going private or public. We love our obgyn. He is brilliant and for a private obgyn he is cheap. He has relocated hospitals though but is still 40or so minutes away. Not worried about labour it's more a convenience thing for B and the boys visiting. I love how he does a scan at every appointment etc. but out of pocket there is still the pregnancy management fee and also the $200 excess to go to hospital and the out of pocket for the epidural. All up probably going to be about $2k. That doesn't include the expensive 12 and 20 week scan which together is about $350.

If I go public near by I won't have any out of pocket but although I have had 2 relatively simple births Blake's cord was around his neck and I just trust my obgyn and know his decisions are for me and my baby. If I have an obgyn or nurse I don't know it does scare me. I also pay $150 a fortnight for my family top hospital and extras health insurance which is wasted if I go public. I get my own room private etc. but if I go local private the obgyn won't be discounted like my current one as he discounts it for subsequent kids, they may not scan at every appointment.

I really want to stick with my obgyn, I just wish he was closer and the darn anaesthetist wasn't so expensive! I Could say now oh I just won't have an epidural but screw that!

Really excited for the months ahead.

Mental washing machine

I feel like my head is a complete jumbled mess.
So AF arrived 2 days earlier than I expected if I ovulated on cd16. So if it was 14 we just didn't pregnant but I am thinking perhaps I never ovulated at all.
Stupid body. So screwed up.

So not pregnant yep good fine what ever. I have no issue with it. Would have been nice for a whoopsy surprise, would have meant I didn't have to think about crap but now all the thoughts are there.

I went through, we aren't financial enough for another baby, but I really want a girl, but I am likely to have another boy, I'm so tired could I handle a other one, its not really fair on the boys both financially and time wise to bring another baby in, I do want one but if I go back to work that's more time and once we are past babies do I want to go back, putting all this effort into losing weight if I get pregnant it will go straight back on, my body is a baby fat magnet, but I want my body back for a while so I can lose some weight an feel better about myself, etc etc round an around I went. I decide on the no baby right now thing until I see a little girl or hold one Etc and it all starts all over again.
Then I can see the bond Tyler is now getting with B. Tyler copies everything daddy does and he just wants to be right beside daddy being a mini me. It's gorgeous to watch but makes me want a girl even more. She might be a daddies girl and do the exact same as Tyler but I do still want a girl.
Agh I am not winning this mental battle at all. Grrrrr

Bfn

Did a test with an fmu this morning and no line As I expected. :) all good though im not too bothered by it all. I did get excited for a split second but it wasn't like we were banking on definitely wanting to be pregnant it simply would have been a nice surprise.
AF still not due till wed-Friday so ages yet. If no AF on Friday I will test then. I know I'm not likely to be pregnant and I won't have a drink until next weekend anyway so no reason to waste a test. Unless I get any overwhelming pregnant symptom which I doubt i would as usually nothing really hits until 6 weeks well except one thing that has happened every time I have been pregnant and its probably the earliest symptom for me and that's crying. Driving in the car and a song comes on never same song or anything. But I just start balling my eyes out at the words. It's full uncontrolled sadness crying as I listen and imagine the story behind the words. Every time its happened I have thought - I'm pregnant! And every time i was right, its only ever happened when early pregnant. If that happens I will be testing!

So cruel

First ever evap line. Boohoo.

So our wedding anniversary was during the week and we both missed it. Oops. Lol happens when u get so busy with life. Anyway B and I decided we would just sit out by the fire and have a few drinks tonight like we used to before kids.
Well I have been thinking about having those few drinks all day and although only to be around 8-10dpo if I am pregnant I would feel so bad for having a drink.
So I though its not fmu and It will be negative but at least I won't feel guilty about having a few drinks.
Well I had zero pee lol but it managed to move across the screen. First off I was like wtf I can see something.
Then for the next 20mins I was having an argument with myself about seeing a 2nd line. Surely not.
Finally I came to the conclusion it has to be an evap line.
I tried for well over an hour to get a photo of the stupid line eventually I just pulled the thing apart. Yep sure enough clear as day a 2nd line but no colour as far as I can tell. Clear line = evap line. I checked an old test to make sure this line was on all of them and its not.
I might test in a few days no I know I will lol. I'm a poasaholic! I know its so unlikely we will be pregnant but oh no this has certainly flare it all up. I either expect AF to turn up Wednesday if it were a normal cycle or Friday if I ovulated when I thought i did.
I have 1xFR left and 1xclear blue digital.
See how long I can hold out!!! Doesn't matter if we aren't but I really do hate this waiting.

Little Blakey

Little Blakey is just that little.
He had his needles today :( poor bubby he certainly isn't a fan. He did well though, cried a lot but he calmed down once I took him away from the nasty dr who hurt him lol.
He got weighed and measured and he was 7.9kg and 66cm. So small.
Tyler was 8.8kg and 72cm.
He is such a happy little man though and he is doing so much better on the lactose free formula. I will give it to him for a couple of weeks and then try the normal one again and see how he goes. Really hoping he doesn't have a milk allergy. Development wise he is doing well. Still commando crawling backward. Sits for 20mins or so without toppling now too which is good. Unless he is tired then he won't sit at all. His leg strength had increased a lot over the last week or two as well and he loves spending time up on his feet. He really is such a cutie pie.

Poor Tyler has hand foot and mouth again. He had been off all weekend I figured it was from teething as he wasn't eating and had the worst poos. When I dropped him off to daycare on Tuesday morning there was a notice to say a child had it the week before. When Tyler came him I checked his hands and feet and yep the blistery rash had broken out during the day. U really have to look for it though. He has had it before really bad so this time it's really mind and he only had maybe 5 or so spots on each foot and 1-2 on his hands. It's bad in his mouth this time though. :(
I am still shocked at his vocabulary explosion. He talks so much and surprisingly clearly. He has started saying g'day mate. Hahahaha funny as.

I have been suffering with migraines again. It's been years since I have had them this bad well other than when they were pregnancy related. They had been so bad with the light auras and light sensitivity, nausea and vomiting etc.
it's so hard to look after two little ones when the migraine is that bad. Last night I was in my own hell. I was in so much pain I couldn't sleep. I took a heap of pain meds but nothing helped. I'm going to try the chiropractor hopefully that will help. I'm hoping I don't have to go on more permanent meds again. I had the headache nearly a full week before it progressed to a full blown migraine. I haven't had any black tea or red wine so its certainly not from consuming tannins.
Horrible though. I certainly hadn't missed them and I can see why they completely debilitated me.

It's B and my anniversary today. 4 years married 7 years together, yep we have the same date for everything. Too busy to celebrate though. Maybe over the weekend. We were thinking of maybe trying to get a babysitter so we can go out to dinner. Not sure that will happen though.

So absolutely silly

See these are the stupid thoughts I just keep having and they make no sense!
FB announcement of an old friend I still very occasionally catch up with. She is having a girl. I almost started crying! Seriously wtf! Not that I'm not completely overjoyed she is having a little girl more that I really don't understand how couples have girls. How can I want something so ridiculously much? My heart really aches for a little girl. As much as when I wanted a baby back when first starting ttc. :(

Finally OV! Plus Brain and heart mushed rambling a!

So after my rant in my last post it looks like I finally did ovulate. No EWCM since Friday morning around 11am. I took my temp properly this morning as the boys finally both slept without interruption!! Nice normal post OV temp. So it would have been Friday at some point. Cd16.

That being said the likelihood of being pregnant is slim to none!
We DTD around 11pm on cd10. So if I ovulated around 11am on cd16 that's around 5 1/2days. Lol u would need super sperm to last that long!

It's good to know I did actually end up ovulating though. AF should arrive Sunday 22nd to give me a normal LP.

Having this whoopsy has caused my mind to go into overdrive.
There is so much churning around in there about ttc#3
I would love them close together but now I am wondering if its the best idea?
I already have 2 under 2 and if I have a third it will be 3 under 3 for 6 months.
Then there is the baby bonus that's been wiped. Whilst we would be fine without it it certainly makes it a bit easier for a while. There is paid parental leave for those that work but if I return to work I don't know if we would have another. First of all applying for a job on the pretence of maternity leave or paid parental leave just doesn't sit well wig me at all.
Then I want to be back at work full time when Tyler starts school. The year before prep i will have the boys in kindy full time in preparation for the demands of school .
As we want to send them to a semi private in primary and then a full private from year5 I will need to be at work full time to pay for fees. No way we can have a baby then.
So all this being said I keep thinking maybe we should just have our 2 boys and leave it at that. This has been making me physically cry. Lately I can't shift this overwhelming want for a girl. I get insanely jealous of anyone who has a girl or pregnant with a girl. I talk to little girls or just watch them play and I start imagining my own little girl, what she would look like etc. I know its stupid, I have 2 absolutely gorgeous boys who I love so much but I just can't seem to stop myself.
This is the other reason I am very reluctant to ttc#3. The likelihood of it being another boy is really high and although I would love him very much I would still have that overwhelming sensation of wanting that girl. I won't lie I would be upset and that wouldn't be fair. I of course would love another boy too but knowing we simply can't have another would certainly hurt and then I just know I would start trying to think about number 4 in search of that girl.
At what point will I stop? Will I just get past this feeling? We can't have 10 kids in search of a girl. We simply may never have one.
Maybe I need some kind of hypnosis to numb myself to this feeling I have.

Hmm what a load of rambling.

Delaying ttc

Well it looks like the EWCM has finally gone but still no thermal shift.
With my cycles such a mess I think it best we delay ttc#3. I know there are still 2 more cycles before we were thinking of starting but it is all so horrible.

I did some reading and its apparently normal for ur cycle to change post baby and especially for someone like me who only had 1 AF before falling pregnant again.
It's not that my cycle has extended that would be fine its the week of EWCM that indicates a hormone imbalance in shall we at ovulation fire or in my case backfire!
And if I am indeed ovulating then I am not having a thermal shift which might mean a very low progesterone which would intern lead to a miscarriage or chemical pregnancies.

This is my 4th cycle. 1st one was smack on normal 27days from my last breast feed.
Number 2 was 25days and number 3 was 34days. Cycle3 I had mid cycle spotting and perhaps delayed ovulation at cd21 when I saw EWCM but no thermal shift. Lots of painful cramping from midcycle spotting until about 1week before AF arrived.
This cycle No midcycle spotting, EWCM for 6days. Bad cramping started 4days into EWCM and still going 3days later.

I wonder if I go to my normal dr if he would run some bloods for me while he is running the other ones to find out why I am so exhausted all the time. I am wondering if its all linked. I just don't feel like me. :( all I can think about doing is sleeping. I have started taking iron again and also added zinc into my vitamins regime to help boost immunity. Seems to have helped my mouth ulcer a bit it's not as sore today.

Happy 1/2 birthday

Happy 1/2 birthday to my littlest man. I can't believe it has been 6months already.

Certainly starting to look like I have a hormone imbalance of some sort. Lots of EWCM again today so that makes it 6days in a row. Wtf! So I haven't ovulated and there is certainly now way I can fall pregnant now. It's been 6 days! On a complete off miracle some sperm may last 7 days but I do highly doubt that. I was thinking 3-4 and that was severely pushing it.
I doubt I have PCOS but it did mention thyroid but I'm sure i had that checked recently too and it was normal.
Might be worth a trip to the drs soon though because something is up. I have this mouth ulcer that is so painful. Then there is the tiredness. I slept from a out 9-6 last night and I still work up completely exhausted. I have been taking multivitamin etc for a while now and my diet although low cal does contain lots of salads and veggies and protein.

I have to take Blake in for his needles next week I might book me in at the same time. Just get some bloods done or something.

Stress can alter cycles and cause mouth ulcers but I don't feel stressed. I always have money on my mind but that's been going on for donkey's yonks so it should be affecting things.

Honestly just don't know. Maybe a night away where I can just sleep is on the cards. I love my boys but maybe I just need a reboot.

Scratch that!

So I'm back to having absolutely no idea what my body is doing!
Lots of EWCM tonight. About the same amount as cd13! Today is cd15. That's 5days since DTD so if I haven't ovulated I think its safe to say we are safe sperm surviving for 5 days is a big stretch!
So frustrating. Oh well probably for the best.

Meditation

Maybe its time to take up meditation or something!
My mind won't stop ticking over and its exhausting.
Well my cm has definitely changed. I had the tiniest amount of EWCM yesterday morning. Nothing like cd13 and I had thermal Shift cd13 and 14 in the afternoon. I tried taking it in the mornings but as Blake has been off I can't get a decent reading and the temp still says no ovulation. I'm up for at least an hour or 2 before I get a chance to take my temp. So honestly I don't know. Going by everything else I would 100% say I ovulated on Tuesday.
I mentioned to B last night about the whoopsy and he was like but ur AF just finished and something along the lines of so ur telling me u ovulate like 2 weeks after ur AF.
I had to laugh nearly 2 years of ttc#1 and charting for a full 8 months and he still had no idea how it works. I explained yet again that cd1 is the first day of my AF and I ovulate on cd13 sometimes 14. I have had some late ovulation a but in a normal cycle and with both Tyler and Blake I ovulated on cd13.

I have been thinking about not falling pregnant this cycle. It would actually be really weird. I'm expecting a bfn and that would be completely normal but in my mind I keep thinking if we don't why not? What happened? Is something wrong! Lol I know stupid but everyone always says Ben shouldn't look at me when I ovulate as we are or were super fertile and him just looking at me and I fall pregnant.

Then there has been some other stuff going through my head. This is on the complete opposite side. I am so tired and run down at the moment that I have a mouth ulcer on my throat. I haven't had one of these for nearly 8 years. They are so incredibly painful. :( Blake isn't sleeping through, I have been dream feeding him at 8-9pm to try and get him to sleep later. It's worked once and he slept until 6.last night was a shocker for both. Blake woke up crying multiple times, Tyler work at 5, I tried a couple of bottles then he did a big poo and I simply could not get him to go back to sleep.
Blake is really irritable and spewy. I don't know if its the solids or reflux or his formula but even hours after eating he will still be gassy and when he burps he spews.
All up they are certainly wearing me out and in those early hours of the morning from 2-5am when at least one of them is up I think there is no way I could have another baby. Then I have my morning coffee and feel a little more human and having another one is all I can think about. Especially a little girl. I would love a little boy too but I can't lie I have been praying to the powers that be every few minute to please let me have my little girl. I would like this 3rd bub to be my last but I know if its another boy I would have to go again .i actually look at people with little girls and feel a pang of jealousy. I can see me with a daughter. Ever since I wanted kids and started thinking of having them back when I was 22 I always saw me with a girl.

Anyway getting side tracked again. I have always hated the tww!

Now we wait

So the amount of EWCM I have today would certainly indicate ovulation in the next 24hours. That makes DTD 3days ago. So tomorrow will put me in the tww.
I know there is every chance I won't be pregnant but our history of DTD when not on contraception other than when I had blocked tubes we are 4 out of 4.

I just keep wishing a little girl spermy to find the egg!
I did a quick calculation if I do end up pregnant bub would be due 27th feb and the age gap would be identical to blake and Tyler. Blake would be 1 week off turning 15months! Whoa! I haven't said anything to B yet as I know there is a 1 in 4 chance I will actually be pregnant and those stats were for a 27year old. I'm 30 now so probably like a 1 in 6 chance of falling pregnant each cycle.

It's not when we planned it but if it does happen then it was just meant to be :)
I hate the tww already!

Trying to keep myself very busy with this 12week challenge. It's frustrating though as I am 3kg heavier. Another sign I'm about to ovulate. That will drop off again in the next day or 2. Enjoying the exercise though I am feeling really good for it and loving being back into my size 12-14 clothes.

500

Wow post 500! I have been at this blog a long time though I suppose. 500 seems like so many though.

Well of course our whoopsy on Saturday night has my mind in over drive.
I know the chance of actually falling pregnant is very slim, I haven't even ovulated yet and am not due to until tomorrow or Wednesday. That's a long time for swimmers to have to survive. It's only 3-4days but that seems like ages!

I'm not enjoying the cramps I'm getting. It's the same as the last 2 cycles. Really painful high on the left. :( I got midcycle spotting starting cd13 last cycle so will be interesting to see if I get that again. I think that may be what delayed ovulation last cycle. Because I ovulated around 9days after that.

Even if the whoopsy doesn't eventuate into anything I would like to see a normal cycle this time. 30something day cycles are just annoying.

Oh boy!

So today is cd11. Last night B had way too many wild turkey's and forgot to pull out. Way TMI sorry about that.
I have EWCM today. Hmmmm.
Last 2 cycles my body has taken weeks to actually ovulate and I didn't until cd20 but I didn't get EWCM this early last 2 cycles.
Cd10 is early when normal cycle I would ovulate cd13/14 so we may be fine.
Will find out in 2 and a bit weeks I guess.
If we did make number 3 its more than likely a boy. Other than being days before ovulation and me being on calcium, magnesium and cranberry we did nothing else girl conception related.
I am highly doubtful but the possibility is there. When we were thinking about starting ttc in late aug I wanted to dtd cd9/10 and stop to improve chances for a girl so if I do indeed ovulate in the next few days our history would say very high possibility.