fun

Firstly on the TTC front have to say I am pretty sure I am not pregnant this month.  But I expected it so its not a big surprise or painful or anything like that.  

On a different note, I went and bought some roller blades today and I have to say OMG I forgot how much I loved them.  I love going really fast and its such a fantastic workout! Its been about 2 years since I have skated but definitely going to be very regularly now.  I used to skate every day when I was a kid and all day Saturday and Sunday never tricks or anything just skating around, I didn't realise how much I missed it! :) Brings back so many childhood memories! 

YAY for Monday tomorrow!! NOT!!! and I seriously can't believe its the 1st November tomorrow.  scary how fast this year went! 

Stupid Temp

8DPO had a temp drop yesterday and a massive jump today! but I know its not an implant dip.  My CM has been off the charts gross, but I know it doesn't mean anything.

Seriously why does the universe find the need to be mean and nasty and constantly throw these curve balls!

Stupid I tells ya STUPID!

Interesting!!!

Its been a while but nothing much to update so there was no point.  Been mainly back to my old life.  Babies and all involved has been in the back of my mind.

Went for an ultrasound today.  Pelvic scan and follicle check.  Get there, can't see much on external so she opts for an internal. Fine by me already had a million of those during my 2nd miscarriage.  Hmm problem she still can't see anything.  I have had this problem before but not to this extent.  She ends up finding the right ovary, which had 1 follicle so thats good news.  She got me to go away and have a walk and coffee etc and come back.  Nope still nothing.  So it turns out I have an axial uterus, meaning it is straight up.  This is why she couldn't get any pictures of it because it was perfectly inline with the cervix so she couldn't see through it.  So ultimately the scan was a complete and utter waste of time.  One the plus side though at least I know I had one follicle!!

This is our last natural cycle though. Dr A agrees its time to move onto the next step! He will be referring me to Monash IVF for the next cycle.  They will look at iui and FSH injections! I guess I am kinda relieved to know we are finally moving on.  Everyone keeps saying, oh but you have been pregnant so you will fall pregnant again. Unfortunately it isn't that simple.  I really do wish it was!!!!  But its OK, we will get there :)

So I am due to ovulate today, although I haven't seen any fertile CM, probably due to the 100mg clomid. We have been using preseed since CD9 so you never know it might have helped.  We have just been BDing when we feel like it.  We have always been an active couple but since TTC we have dropped off dramatically.  So this month we just went back to having fun! DH definitely got his libido back with all this extra training he has been doing! Not sure if that will help either but we can't really do much else!

I think thats about it really for an update! A friend got her BFP this morning.  I really do hope this one stays sticky for her!!! :) so happy and excited for her she really deserves this one she has had a really tough trot!

A few of the girls I used to know from SWB are about to pop! WOW can't believe how fast time flies! I wish them all the best of luck to have a boring uneventful birth! Simple and uncomplicated is the way to go.  They have all already been through to much to have anything complicated happen now!

Well thats it! Ciao!

Hurry up!!

14DPO, still the same steady temp. Not sure what is happening but my guess is temp will drop tomorrow and AF's arrival will be not long after that!

Stupid thing is I know I am not UTD! Tested this morning and Negative! But my BBS are still sore, not as much as they were but still there, veins on them are so prominent, the nipples look different, my CM is creamy, normally it has completely dried up by now. It started getting creamy yesterday! Seriously WTF!  All these games just to give me that little bit of hope when i know there isn't any!

But emailed Dr A this morning, just to ask him his advice.  The 14months is getting to DH and I and I am tired of sitting in limbo land.  Asked about the possibility of IUI, but he wants me to go 100mg clomid next cycle and basically we cross our fingers and hope! if we have no luck next cycle we move onto IUI, that I am going to insist.  Its so frustrating to know you can fall pregnant and have done twice so easily and now nothing, not matter what you do! ARGH!!!!

Funny thing is Dr A is always the eternal optimist! He response basically was try 100mg of clomid if your period arrives............"

haha very funny! He is very patient though and I am sure he understands the frustrations we are feeling.  I think he is a little baffled to though!

At least now I am well and truly ready for AF's arrival.  I've had my pissed off anger about it already. At least I have a plan now. 100mg clomid, then onto IUI!

CRASH!

Nothing else to say, temp plummeted this morning! All over again for another month.

Threw everything I had at it this month.  Too tired for this shit!

Not finished

OK so I am not finished on my rant yet!

The thing that gets to me is that I am in this middle ground of limbo land!! Although I have been TTC for over 13months now no FS is really interested because I have been pregnant twice. Although I have lost them no Miscarriage clinic isn't interested because its only been two.  So it leaves me here trying away.  I will probably have to wait till we get to 12months of trying before we will get anywhere.  That will then be  18months for us then.  I keep thinking I am sure we will get there. I am sure everything is fine, but I am 2 years off 30 and we wanted a big family.  I am sad that it might not happen.  :( we might be lucky to even just get 1. Of course I will be over the moon with even just 1 if thats all we get but to always have imagined a big family, the thought of that not happening just saddens me.

Its also frustrating because now I have no idea what I am doing wrong.  If we had never been pregnant I might think there is a problem and go seek help. But now I have no idea what it is. What the hell is going wrong!!!

Nothing I can do about it though. Twiddle my thumbs I guess. 7months! I really do hope we manage something on our own in that time.

Emotional and pissed off

Warning angry rant!
11 DPO and I am 99.9% sure we aren't UTD again this cycle.

Thing that pisses me off even more is I get all the symptoms.  My BBS are killing me, they are massive and the veins are really prominent. I have cramping high on the left hand side. My heart burn is really painful. But all this means nothing.  I have gotten it every month leading up to AF! and simply I just don't feel it. I don't feel pregnant.  I am 11DPO now and with only 1 day left in the possible implantation window I know it has to be over!

So now I am angry and emotional! Why do I have to have all the pain and come up with nothing.  My bra and shirt simply just hurt and like I said the heart burn is unbearable! If I was pregnant yay goodie I wouldn't care but to go through that and get AF. BullSHIT!!

My CM has dried up that is basically why I know AF is on the way. Classic sign for me.  Not feeling irritable. I can normally pick that. When I feel PMS irritable I feel like I could explode and just punch everyone. Like the hulk uncontrollable rage hahahaha! but now I am just angry, sad, disappointed and overall emotional! boo! I honestly don't have the energy to keep doing this month after month. I am tired of my life being on hold.  I have been good the last few month, don't think about it too much, have fun and enjoy things, but everything is oh can't do that might be pregnant, might affect a baby, might affect pregnancy. They say preconception stuff is supposed to boost the chance of falling pregnant. LOAD OF CRAP!!

I know this anger wont achieve anything but I am allowed to be angry at the world! I miss out on maternity leave but I suppose I at least have 1 more shot before my 28th Birthday! Guess I should be happy about that! Not sure why! Gee thanks Mr universe force me to go through 13months of hell but hey I should be grateful
 you have given me another shot before my birthday. Don't think so!

Well best get back to work! As unproductive as I feel like being I unfortunately can't be!

hmmm

hmmmmmmmm.... 1 bottle of wine, 1 beer, + some more, and some very nice hot bodies on a massive projector  screen = a very good sunday! GO THE ROOSTERS!!!! hahah

so as you can tell I am having a great afternoon.  Love the roosters! or mainly just Todd Carney! Always had a sweet spot for him! ahahaha

anyway, for those in Brisbane, watch ACA this week. Don't know what night. but some family friends who are naturally fallen pregnant with 5 babies are on there. Now I know that on this format it might be a bit hard to really portray sarcasm. so yep just to let you know I am being REALLY SCARCASTIC!! LESBIAN couple fell pregnant naturally with 5 babies!!!!!! lol they say no drugs were involved and only 2 follicle's were shown on the scan yet they are pregnant with 5 individual babies!!!!!

Now I have no problem that 1 they are pregnant, b they are pregnant with 5.  My problem is they are saying it happened with any intervention! 2 or 3 are possible without any intervention if your genetically dis-positioned! but 5 FFS seriously! that is fertility drug induced! get a F**KING grip and be honest! These are family friends and I am so angry they are lying through there teeth! GRRRRR

I will stand up to their shit story.  They are in it for the money because they are about 24 and seriously can't afford 6 kids because they already have a 1 year old through IUI!

Anyway thats my rant.  Not feeling pregnant at all this month.  Onto next month.  AF should be here next weekend! oh well! Having fun anyway!!!


UPDATE!!!! just saw that add! No F**K it! Seriously a  complete joke! I just want one and they are carrying on that their 5 are a 1 in a million miracle!!! f**K heads, just shits on the heads off all women TTC! I will have my say to their face if i ever see them again! what an absolutely JOKE!!!!! you had fertility drugs its not a f**king miracle! you don't deserve charity hand outs this was your choice! deal with it!