Losing the innocence of pregnancy.

This more than likely being my very last pregnancy I really want to simply just enjoy it. Problem is once u have lost the innocence of pregnancy through miscarriage you can never ever get it back.

I have 2 amazing boys and I know I probably wouldn't have them if it wasn't for my 2 angel babies. Everything happens for a reason. In saying this I already love little berry and I want it to stay sticky more than anything. I get worried at every back ache at every twinge, the lack of symptoms even though I'm only 5+3. I keep saying to myself to relax there isn't anything u can do if this little one decides not to stay but then I feel guilting thinking perhaps I'm being complacent about the pregnancy and the baby won't feel wanted. In my gut I feel like Berry is growing fine and will be joining us in march but then I think omg now I have though that something will go wrong. Agh stupid thought merry go round.

I want to look forward to my belly growing, to feeling the kicks, to finding out the sex but I can't. Another 6 weeks feels like so long to go! I know once we see a heart beat at the first scan I can relax a bit but even that it feels so far away.

I guess what is really playing on my mind is I really do have a gut feeling its a girl. We lost our first little girl. It petrifies me. I keep thinking maybe its a girl thing. Perhaps I'm simply not meant to have one.

Then there is the mind battle about me having the feeling its a girl but completely expecting my OB to tell me its a boy. I don't know how I will react because it will be a shock but an expected shock. Wow that makes no sense but I know what I mean lol.

Something I really really want to do this time is a maternity photo shoot towards the end. I don't have many photos of me pregnant only ones of just my belly so I would like something myself and the kids can look back on.

I want 12weeks to hurry up and get here and then I want everything to slow right down so I can just stop and enjoy the 2nd trimester and being pregnant. That's not asking for much is it? Lol.

I guess 12weeks will be here before I know it because that's Tyler's 2nd birthday. 12th September.
Time is so weird like that on one hand I think omfg Tyler is 2 in 6 1/2 weeks that is so soon and how has it been 2 years already but then I think omfg I still have 6 1/2 weeks before I get to 12weeks time is moving SO slowly. Lol crazy much!

Something I have been thinking a lot about lately is B and I renewing our vows. We have had so much going on in our lives the ups and downs the separation etc and although we still battle so many things on a day to day basis our relationship has actually gotten a lot stronger. Now that it is just us and we lean on each other and only have each other to lean on its changed our relationship immensely. Because of this I think it would be nice to renew them.
Next June will be our 5 year wedding anniversary 8 years together maybe it would be nice to do it then? I am thinking just the 2 of us maybe some family am close friends, just a beach side BBQ kind of thing perhaps? I haven't mentioned it to B yet lol he will probably scoff at the idea he isn't exactly a romantic in anyway!

Happy house again

So after what around a month of continual sickness we are finally all better! Yay!
Tyler is teething his 2 year molars and continually grinding his teeth this causing him considerable pain so he is waking around midnight for more neurofen. He goes back to sleep easily though.

Blake is waking about 3-4am for a feed but he is back to happily self settling which is wonderful. He is such a happy boy. Crawls around the house getting into mischief. It's odd to pop him in the lounge room I go into the kitchen to prepare food and next minute he is right behind me. Cheeky bugger.

It's times like this that even though I get no sleep or down time or a shower lol I really love the 2 so little. I am really looking forward to having number 3 so close too. Tyler goes through moments if wanting to play with Blake to others smashing him in the face with Thomas. There can be lots of giggles but lots of screaming tears too.

Tyler's daycare day has changed again so I now have to go grocery shopping with them both. At first this really sounded scary but I actually don't find it hard at all. It's so hard to find a twin trolley though :( at the moment I put Blake in the carrier and he just goes to sleep but soon he will be too big. Face that when we get to it.

On the pregnancy front 5+1 and I had my first spew yesterday. I felt so hung over and horrible yesterday :( today I feel fine and of course that freaks me out. Looking forward to getting to 6 weeks and having those symptoms amp up a bit. Most people hate them but I prefer to have them as its reassuring and it doesn't last forever. Well both the boys are down for a nap which is very rare these days as Tyler has been dropping his nap but I'm going to try and have a brief nap too while I can :)

My poas habit is still going strong lol. It's pointless once the numbers are this high but still makes me feel good to see that line getting stronger. Did another digital today to even though I have already seem the 3+ I just wanted to make sure it hadn't dropped. The pregnant 3+ came up before I had time to pop the lid on and place it down flat lol.

Busy little bee

Wow things are so flat out right now. My sister gets married next weekend so everything is crazy.

Her hens was on Saturday night. It was a lot more subdued than normal but I guess that's what happens when we are all old and have young kids. Apparently not drinking at ur only siblings hens night is a dead giveaway ur pregnant. About midnight and after continually and I thought skilfully dodging the drinking thing my sister drunkenly shouted I know ur pregnant so just come out with it. Most would be upset but I don't care. I didn't really want it announced so early but its only her friends and I rarely see them. We had a laugh though she congratulated me and hugged me and we got on with the night.

I still have so much prep to do for it but I'm getting there. I really need to write my speech.

So little Blake is finally off and crawling. I took him to the dr on Monday for an infected toe. I felt so bad. He wears onesies all the time and i mostly change him in his room and the curtains are always closed as he sleeps so much.
When I finally noticed it I felt so bad. Poor bugger was in so much pain. No wonder. He has taken so long to start crawling when he has been up and rocking for so long. He couldn't put that foot down without it hurting. One night on antibiotics and he was off. He is also back to sleeping properly, self settling and is just back to being his happy self. :) it's so nice to have my happy little man back.

Tyler is also back to being healthy. :) he is such a funny character.

I have also been doing some extra cleaning and I have come across mould in both of the boys rooms. I did some reading and there isn't much mould there but it could be why they keep getting sick. I am going to attack it tomorrow hopefully, need to Get a mask first I don't want to be breathing that stuff in.

I got Tyler's suit today for the wedding. Omg he is going to look so adorable!

On the pregnancy front not much happening. Only 4+5 so very early days. Got a 3+ on the digital today so numbers are nice and strong. Looking forward to yet nervous for my appoint/scan on the 7th. I do still feel bubba is doing well but I have joined a DIG and so many losses and lots of bleeding :( poor ladies miscarriages are so horrible :(

Mum mum

Little Blakey started saying mum mum the other day. Melts ur heart when u hear it for the first time. He is growing up so fast. He is on the move. Slowly but surely. Has the whole jerky crawl going on.

He has had a fever today. Thinking its the end of this sickness thing they have both had. He had a day of fever and although he is still whingy doesn't seem sick.

So completely over winter that's for sure.

So 14dpo today so 3w7d and I decided to take a digital. Said 2-3 so that's 4-5weeks. Which was expected seeing as my hpts have been dark. I have stupid thoughts in my head like molar etc. I feel like bub is fine but until I have that scan its just too easy to worry. I know I did one with Blake I'm just not sure i posted it on here so I can see what result I got and how far along I was. Have to go back and do some searching.

Even the cat knows I'm pregnant. Normally she sleeps on B's side of the bed. I woke up this morning and she was sleeping on my lower abdomen. It's weird how animals just know.

Trying to level my head

Agh!
I really wish I had the strength to hold out until AFs due date to test. I know the line is super strong so very unlikely a chemical but still the mind races.

I have gone through all this before yet I find myself here again having the same mental battle as always.

I know nothing can stop a miscarriage and if that's what meant to happen fine its just this waiting game. I seriously have zero patience.

In saying that I am 12DPO yeah 12DPO and I am already feeling nauseous. I am always absolutely starving. Wtf is with that. But I am also having strong cramps. Dull AF feeling cramps. They bother me! My lower back is also achy. This could be because in general I'm very tired after being up since 3:30am with 2 sick boys and having to carry Tyler absolutely everywhere as he just won't let go! 14kg is a lot to lug around.

I keep taking hpts left right and centre haha I got 60 opks and 60 hpts for $23. So yeah I have lots to spare. They are getting increasingly darker. They seem so very dark for 12dpo! I feel like in more like 6 weeks lol which I'm not as I'm not even 4 weeks yet. Bahahahaha

I also have this gut feeling its a girl. I will have to go back and read my blog for Blake. I remember very vividly with Tyler the moment I saw the positive test it was a boy. I think with Blake my desire for a girl had me wishing a girl but not overly feeling it. This feeling is the same gut feeling I had with Tyler right from the start. Same feeling I had last week when I just knew I was pregnant even before I got the positive test. Lol I could be completely wrong but I just have this feeling. Even have a name. Nothing like I had thought before so its all just weird.

Ok moving away from that before the looney bin people show up with my straight jacket again.

So yeah the boys are sick. I took them to the dr this morning she gave me a script for ABs for Tyler but I think he is just a massive sook when sick. He has a very low rang temp and some ulcers on the left side of his throat other than that the nose has dried up no ear issues. He is just a sook lol. A sook that decided 3am was wake up time. Likely he went back to sleep but then Blake was awake at 4:45z he is teething something shocking. I mentioned this pain he seems to be experiencing to the dr. She felt his tummy and he doesn't associate the pain with popping. When she looked in his mouth she mentioned he is gums are really inflamed so thinks its his teeth. Sook! Jk

Sick little boys

Both the boys are still sick :( I thought we had gone over the hump and they were getting better but today Tyler has slightly fever and Blake sounds really croaky. I gave Tyler nurofen but unless I give it to him just before bed he goes super hyper on it! Only started when he was about 14months.
Blake is back down for a nap now so hopefully he feels better soon. I wish u could make an appointment for the dr right when u were noticing the problem because u can be guaranteed when u take them in they will be fine at the time.

I'm not sure what is bothering Blake. Seems to be his gut perhaps. He will sit on the floor and be fine next minute he is stiffening up screaming in pain. I guess he has always done this and I thought it would pass when he got to around that 4 month mark. He isn't constipated. The kid does like 4 poos a day and they are perfect consistency. When I am trying to put him to sleep he is screaming and throwing his head back he will do this until he passes out from exhaustion.
I've got no idea.

Did another hpt this morning. Still pregnant! Compared it to Blake's tests lol yep still have them and the line is so much darker and thicker. I did a test with 3rdmu and the line Isn't as thick as yesterday's but its a more distinct line yesterdays was a fuzzy line both test and control. Might just be the tests themselves. I've already been feeling very nauseas which is weird ms would normally hit around the 6 week mark.

I'm still so torn in what to do regarding dr and hospital. I would really love to go back to my obgyn but going private even though I have top hospital and extras I'm still out off pocket $2-3k but if I go public I just don't know if I would get the care I do need. This isn't my first so I know what's going on but things can still go wrong and I completely trust my OB. I'm not likely to get GDM or high blood pressure but if I did would the care in the public system pick it up? I know they normally do but u do hear stories. When we found out the cord was around Blake's neck I was worried but I was ok because I knew I could trust my OB and he would get us both through it.
In the private hospital I went to last I was old news because it was my 2nd bub would being in the public system be even worse for ur 3rd? Then there is the constant scans with my OB. We know bub is ok at every appointment. Having bens brother and wife recently lose a bub at 23weeks but to find out it passed at 20. 3 weeks of not knowing. In the public system they see u a lot less the mid wives do ur basic checks but they aren't definite like a scan.
Then there is the private hospital is 40mins away our local public is less than 10. Agh so annoying.
I know me though and I already want to book in to see brad at around 8weeks! He will do an early scan then. If I went public I would see a gp they would refer me and I wouldn't see anyone for probably ages.
I pay $151 f/n for my private health insurance so I might as well use it. This is very much likely my last baby so once its born i am reducing it. It's so expensive.

This is all banking on bub staying sticky of course. I have cramps but I know them well and had them with both the boys.

The photo with all the tests is Blake's are written on with black pen 11 and 12dpo this bub has pink pen.

Pregnant

Yep! For 10dpo there is no disputing that line now!

The 2nd pic was taken closer to the 10minute mark. That's a super dark line for 10dpo at 1pm!

Seeing things!

10dpo and I am surely seeing things!
I used an IC because I'm saving the FR for tomorrow! Now I wish I had just used the FR.
I had some very painful sharp stabbing pain yesterday exactly the same as I had described the day before my bfp with Blake.
I dare say I will be testing with a FR later today.

Burping and endless screaming

I feel like I'm losing it. I feel like a useless mother. Nothing I do is working and Blake screams more and more and I get annoyed at him and then end up in tears eventually Blake burps and fall asleep. I hold him for longer crying that I got upset at him and feeling completely helpless.

So what am I babbling about. Well I mentioned Blake and his burping and the difficulty he has bringing the air up. He was spitting up but now he is on the AR formula he hasn't been spitting up but the wind is still a massive issue. It's causing him a lot of pain and he will scream and scream, he is tired but won't go to sleep, he ends up over tired and exhausted but after a very long time sometimes even an hour he will do a burp and relax completely and finally fall asleep. This I happening all the time, every feed/sleep. He has a bottle when he wakes and I will try to put him to sleep when he gets tired this might be 2-3hours but he will still have a burp in there. He sits up, plays crawls but this still doesn't help the air come up.

Agh!

I tried marina water before but it didn't do much. I might try it again now the AR formula seems to have helped with the spews.

He also has a cold so all in all just in a world of hurt and nothing I do seems to comfort him :(

On my admittance to the loony bin they did finally release me! Lol
I went back and had a look at when I got a bfp with Blake and I documented it well, one reason I really do love this blog. It's such a great documentation of my whole journey.
So I did a FR on cd24/10dpo (if I ovulated on cd14) and it was negative. That day I got bad sharp pains high on the left. I remember them well and recall feeling them when I feel pregnant with Tyler too. The next day I tested so cd25/11dpo and I got a faint positive.
Today I am cd23/9dpo. I don't think we are pregnant though. I know tomorrow is my normal implant day but I'm not feeling it. For days there i was like yep I think I'm going to be, now nope don't think so.
This would be cycle 3 of although not officially trying we DTD unprotected within normal fertile period. Cycle 1 I didn't ovulate till around cd21, cycle 2 cd16 and this cycle it was actually on time at cd14. That was 3 1/2 days as I am going by getting OV pains at around 11am massive amounts of ewcm and then the pains stopped and by 1pm all EWCM had gone and consistency changed.

3 1/2 days is perfect timing for what we were aiming for with the girl timing thing but I think its too big a window. I don't even know if keeping it at that time frame we would ever fall pregnant. Maybe B's sperm just isn't that robust and only survives 2 days. That completely blows the girl sway timing out the window!

Oh well be interesting if I do get sharp pains tomorrow or not!

I have so much to do in the next few weeks. In tired just thinking about it.

First up next weekend is my sisters hens. Still planning to do for that but we are mostly ready. Needed to catch up with one of the other bridesmaids to work out the final details but with the kids sick I don't want to make her kids sick.

Then the first weekend of aug is her wedding. Still waiting on our dresses to arrive should be here next week. I got my shoes on Wednesday, have to book in for my eye brow waxing, my nails, spray tan. I have ordered a fake onesie suit for Blake so cute, I still have to get Tyler's suit and B has to try his on. Hopefully it fits!!

The weekend after that I have a friends hens and then the last weekend aug her wedding. We r still to find a baby sitter for this!

2 weeks after this and Tyler turns 2! Omfg 2!!!!! We will be have a very all BBQ a few family and a couple of close friends that's it.

When I was reading back through my blog I was reading about the ms and exhaustion. If I do end up pregnant (again thinking I'm not going to) we won't be telling anyone at all and I will have to get through all this without letting on. Whoa that would be fun.
28days isn't long until ur waiting to test! So slow. What ever if I'm not I just hate waiting!

Oh boy!

So I took my blog down for a few days honestly I don't know where I am going with it. But here I am again wanting to get thoughts out so I will just stick with it.

I am all of 6dpo after a 3 1/2 day gap from DTD to ovulation so a very slim chance I would end up pregnant and I certainly would NOT have any symptoms yet as implantation wouldn't even happen for another 1-4 days.
But never the less I am here and I am going to note down my 100% craziness.

Twice this morning I have thought oh boy I'm pregnant!
First one is I could not stomach my coffee at all this morning. Didn't think much of I at all at the time even when B asked if he could make me another (I am one of those that can't function without my morning coffee) even just the thought made my stomach churn. Then at grocery shopping I found myself in the tea isle buying peppermint and camomile tea! Still didn't think much of it until driving home I thought yep grab the local paper off the lawn when I get home and sit down an have my usual 2nd cup of coffee. Yuk made my stomach churn again. Cue the oh boy! It was at this point I vividly remember this reaction to coffee when I was pregnant with Blake.
Again remember there is no way I could be having symptoms this is all just fictitious craziness in my head!

Upon putting the groceries away I though on I will just have a peanut butter sandwich.
Then all of a sudden I get this massive craving for salt and vinegar chips on white bread with butter. Something I haven't eaten in about 10 years! Wtf! Again trigger the oh boy!

If I do some how end up pregnant I am pretty sure it would be a boy!

Ok ending crazies for the day. Not due to test until Saturday/sunday and AF not even due until next Wednesday and to which I am expecting she will arrive on time.

I am losing my mind. Bye bye shel off to the crazy farm for u do not pass go and do not collect ur $200!