Losing the innocence of pregnancy.

This more than likely being my very last pregnancy I really want to simply just enjoy it. Problem is once u have lost the innocence of pregnancy through miscarriage you can never ever get it back.

I have 2 amazing boys and I know I probably wouldn't have them if it wasn't for my 2 angel babies. Everything happens for a reason. In saying this I already love little berry and I want it to stay sticky more than anything. I get worried at every back ache at every twinge, the lack of symptoms even though I'm only 5+3. I keep saying to myself to relax there isn't anything u can do if this little one decides not to stay but then I feel guilting thinking perhaps I'm being complacent about the pregnancy and the baby won't feel wanted. In my gut I feel like Berry is growing fine and will be joining us in march but then I think omg now I have though that something will go wrong. Agh stupid thought merry go round.

I want to look forward to my belly growing, to feeling the kicks, to finding out the sex but I can't. Another 6 weeks feels like so long to go! I know once we see a heart beat at the first scan I can relax a bit but even that it feels so far away.

I guess what is really playing on my mind is I really do have a gut feeling its a girl. We lost our first little girl. It petrifies me. I keep thinking maybe its a girl thing. Perhaps I'm simply not meant to have one.

Then there is the mind battle about me having the feeling its a girl but completely expecting my OB to tell me its a boy. I don't know how I will react because it will be a shock but an expected shock. Wow that makes no sense but I know what I mean lol.

Something I really really want to do this time is a maternity photo shoot towards the end. I don't have many photos of me pregnant only ones of just my belly so I would like something myself and the kids can look back on.

I want 12weeks to hurry up and get here and then I want everything to slow right down so I can just stop and enjoy the 2nd trimester and being pregnant. That's not asking for much is it? Lol.

I guess 12weeks will be here before I know it because that's Tyler's 2nd birthday. 12th September.
Time is so weird like that on one hand I think omfg Tyler is 2 in 6 1/2 weeks that is so soon and how has it been 2 years already but then I think omfg I still have 6 1/2 weeks before I get to 12weeks time is moving SO slowly. Lol crazy much!

Something I have been thinking a lot about lately is B and I renewing our vows. We have had so much going on in our lives the ups and downs the separation etc and although we still battle so many things on a day to day basis our relationship has actually gotten a lot stronger. Now that it is just us and we lean on each other and only have each other to lean on its changed our relationship immensely. Because of this I think it would be nice to renew them.
Next June will be our 5 year wedding anniversary 8 years together maybe it would be nice to do it then? I am thinking just the 2 of us maybe some family am close friends, just a beach side BBQ kind of thing perhaps? I haven't mentioned it to B yet lol he will probably scoff at the idea he isn't exactly a romantic in anyway!