Anxiety I think!

So lately I have been really struggling with what I can only put down to anxiety.

I have this voice in the back of my mind that is really really bothering me. I keep imagining something bad happening to one of the boys. Seeing tyler do what he does every day but him getting hurt but not just a bump hurt but break neck permanently injured / killed. Or with Blake I keep imagining going to the cot and finding him not breathing.

I don't know why I keep thinking these horrible morbid things. Now I think about it ever time I take a video or picture of me with one of the boys I think if something ever happened to me that would be able to look at it and remember me.

It's driving me bonkers. I don't want to live in a bubble boys will be boys and we have to live our lives but I just keep seeing these things. I don't want to have those things in my mind.

In one way it's good because every time I think it I stop and re think what we are doing and appreciate life and my boys. It makes me hugs them more and hold them tight. Not get grumpy at them no matter how much they push my buttons.

Every now and again I think about mothers instincts or women's intuition and omg I hope not. I keep reading stories or hearing of friends who have lost close ones mainly kids. Perhaps it's the down side of the technological age these things are more out there. I know tragedy happens everywhere all over the world but having it right these maybe that's leading to these feelings I have.

I thought getting this out of my head it would help but nope it didn't. :( I love my boys so very very much I don't know how anyone can survive losing a child.

Baby weight battle, 6week needles and more

Firstly the little man had his 6week injections today. He is my sensitive little guy. Much more crying than Tyler. Took me a while to settle him and he had full on tears. Breaks ur heart but vaccinations are important so the tears are worth it in the long run.

Picked up my script for the mini pill today. My OBGYN was very clear in that it must be taken at the same time every day for it to be reliable! I am usually very good with this so it shouldn't be a problem. Definitely don't want any more kids at this point. B had 2 whoopsies and forgot to pull out. Seriously how do u forget that? Lucky BFing was a successful contraceptive last time and Blake feeds regularly so my oxytocin was still high enough for my cycle to be unlikely to have returned. Even so it was 2 weeks of freaking out. Did a hpt on Friday before my appointment and for the first time ever it was a massive relief to see only 1 line.

The baby weightloss battle rages on!
I am still eating well and exercising regularly but as my body fat percentage was so high I need to build a good amount of muscle before I start to see the number drop on the scales. It's come down a little should weigh in at 92 something tomorrow morning. My legs and feet are very very sore and tired. The regular exercise is partly to blame but also when u get up multiple times a night and ur always on ur feet during the day ur poor feet never get a rest. The badly cracked heals don't help either. Have to start wearing my shoes inside for a bit to give them some support.

I can definitely see me getting to my weight loss goal this time. I want my best ever body at 30 :) looking forwArd to getting out there with the boys next summer and really enjoying myself. Heading to the beach and not hiding because of my body. I can and will do it!

Tyler moved up into his big boy bed yesterday. Big step. He transferred over really easily. So far it's only day naps as I have no way of hearing him at night if he starts crying. At the moment I have the sensor monitor on but his big boy bed is a full single bed and I don't know the sensor pads will work through that thick mattress.
Need to google it.

I have been thinking every single day about work. I feel so very stumped. B and I are fighting lots again because of money etc. I know he is working hard I am not trying to put him down but paying the bills is my job and when I have no money to pay them I need to be able to discuss this with him. His business just isn't generating enough income to withdraw a wage for him and in turn pay bills. We try talking about it but it always ends in a fight. I feel at such a loss at what to do :( I don't want Blake to have to go to day care so young :( I don't think it's fair on him but at the same time how are we going to stay afloat? There is no real work out this way for me, not one that will earn enough to be worth while.
This definitely stresses me out to no end and I simply can't come up with an answer.

Both boys have woken up better run

Progress

So little Blake is just over 6 weeks old. Time is seriously flying. He is still sleeping well but we have had a few unsettled days. Putting it down to the heat but also the dairy in my diet so I am going to cut it back and see how we go. Already he seems more settled this morning. I have managed to get him sleeping the right way around. He spends more time during the day awake and first stint at night is now 5-6hours then a 3-4hour block then a really quick top up feed and back down for an hour or so.

His circumcision is all healed now. The ring fell off early this morning. :) so glad
It's all done.

He started smiling at 5weeks old! He has the most beautiful full face smile. Both my boys use their whole face to smile. One of the most beautiful things in the world to see your kids smile. Can't wait to hear a giggle.

Blake had his 6week paed appointment yesterday and he is going really well. He is on par with Tyler except for weight.
Tyler 6 weeks:
Length - 58cm (75%)
head - 38.4cm (25%)
weight - 5.2kg (75%)

Blake 6 weeks
Length - 57.5cm (75%)
head - 38cm (25%)
weight - 4.73kg (40%)

So Blake is a lot lighter than Tyler. A whopping 570g difference. For only being 20g difference at birth that's a massive difference now. paed was happy with him though and doesn't want to see him until 12months. I won't go back unless there is a reason too. I will just book into my local CHN they are very thorough and will tell me if there is anything I need to see a paed for.

Blake being lighter could be due to my diet is a lot better. I am having the required calories and all the required food groups I am just eating super healthy. I wasn't doing that with Tyler so my milk probably contained lots of fat calories.

I went back and had a look but I had Tyler in the jolly jumper at 7 weeks. It was only very briefly until he got tired and dropped his head, only about a minute or so but I will see of Blake is up to it on friday. He definitely isn't as strong or energetic as Tyler so it will probably be too soon for him.

Dr went over the whole solids thing. 4 months will he here before we know it.

Tyler is doing so well at the moment too. Other than cutting his molars. The last one started bleeding as I was brushing his teeth last night so it's broken the skin and hopefully now he will get some relief from it. At least a little before his incisors start cutting.

He has started talking a lot more. He says or at least tries so say every word we say to him. Hopefully he starts putting a few words together soon.

He rarely uses his high chair now. He normally sits at his big boy table and eats except for dinner we always eat dinner at the table together. I want to get a booster seat so he can start sitting at the table with us rather than in his high chair.

I am thinking about starting the process of getting him to sleep in his big boy bed. Biggest issue with this is he can get out of it easily so it might be a battle of having to put him back into bed. Maybe I can try a couple of times for each nap and then if he won't settle put him into his cot. They are already in the same room now so that wouldn't be too hard.

All his bottles are gone, he now has a sippy cup. He doesn't drink much at all so I think they will be gone soon too.

Now he has most of his teeth he is eating so much more. He isn't a fan or being fed at all and prefers feeding himself. He has started showing a great interest in using his cutlery. Still a while of perfecting it but certainly likes trying to pick food up and put it in his mouth.

He is getting extremely bored of being stuck inside but with it being so hot it's no good for Blake outside :( I take him out into the back yard in the afternoons while blake is napping in the aircon but all day inside is very boring for a toddler. I love summer but having a new born in the heat is no good for them so I am actually looking forward to summer being over this time. Bring on next summer though. Tyler will be 2 and Blake 1. It's going to be so much fun. :)

Brotherly love

When people found out I was having another boy everyone always said having 2 boys so close together that they would be the best of friends. I thought yeah I can see that happening but I truly underestimated the bond they would have.

Blake is only 6 weeks but when ever he is awake he is always looking around for Tyler. Tyler is always trying to bounce Blake in the bouncer, helps me try and burp him or rock him to sleep, always giving him cuddles and kisses and hugs. For 16months he understand so much more than I ever expected. I can imagine as Blake gets older this bond will get stronger and stronger.
I am now so happy I had them so close together and even happier that I had 2 boys.

Work & weightloss

The two have nothing to do with each other but I do want to write about the both of them today.

Work.
This is constantly on my mind. I have absolutely no idea what I am going to do. Doesn't help that financially we are really struggling right now. So we moved about 12 months ago and we moved another 20mins away from the city. This was for B's business as most of his work was out this way and carrying a heavy trailer was costing too much in fuel let alone the time he lost in constantly traveling.

The problem is I have a biomedical science degree. Jobs for me are at universities which the closest is 40mins away or I can also work in a medical lab which is about 40mins away too. I can work at a school doing lab tech but those jobs come up rarely and although I would be over qualified for the job it would work in so well with the family. This ends the options I have using my degree.

Other than this I can just get a job locally but with the amount of money i would be earning and having to pay for day care would it be worth it? Probably not and it's also a waste of my 4 year degree and all the money it cost me to do it.

I could go back to study but we don't have the money even with postgraduate fee help. Also having the time would be hard. B struggles with his business let alone helping me out at home at all.

I am so very very confused at what to do. I have been looking through job websites but getting no where.

Now leaves the weightloss! This just down right sucks. I hate not being able to exercise. I went for a walk every day last week and ate so well and didn't loose a single Fing kilo! Wtf! I am 93kg. Eating well and exercising the weight should come off. Not like I am in the lower weight range and have those difficult last 10kg to lose. No have I 30kg to go. agh! So annoyed! So now this week it's already Friday and I have only been for 1 walk. Having 2 little ones it takes a lot to organize to get to exercise everyday. Some days I gave up a nap to exercise and why it did nothing. This week I have just been too tired to bother. I have to get my motivation back though I really do need to get this weight off for my sisters wedding. I just want to start running and to feel like I am actually achieving something when I exercise. Walking seems pointless.

So all round I'm having a bad week.

The boys are good.
Tyler is a bit sore :( when I took Blake in for his initial circumcision appointment i asked the lady about tylers and his puppy fat pushing the skin forward and the skin having healed over etc. She said it needed to be pulled back :( I said I could do it and I have done it. I used numbing cream etc but it was still painful. Now at every nappy change I have to pull it back dab it with salty water and let it air dry. This causes him pain as the skin is red raw where I had to pull it back :( but the skin needs to seal so it doesn't restick again. Hopefully it only takes a couple of days. If it doesn't work I have to talk to the dr on monday when I take Blake in to get done.

Little Blake has Been a little upset. I think it's the heat. Which is crap as we still have the hottest month to go yet and the majority of this one. He is such a hot baby too. He sleeps in the aircon in our bedroom but this mucks up his day and night routine. Agh. Last couple of days I have been giving him more awake time out in the lounge room and his night routine has been great. He was spending a few hours awake at night :( but since keeping him awake a bit during the day he has been sleeping 8pm-1am. Feeding for 30mins then back down until 4:45am feeding for 10mins on 1 side and goes back down till 6am! It's great. :)

Well mummies group this morning so better get ready. Can't believe little blake is 5weeks old already!!

A whole month!

Wow Blake is a month old already. Time is flying. He is currently going through a growth spurt so feeding every 2 hours, I'm very tired but I know it won't last long.

That and I'm hoping he hasn't swapped his night and day. He sleeps really well at night but he seems to have more trouble with his tummy at night. He goes down to sleep very easy during the day but at night his burps and poos bother him a lot more.

Poor Tyler is teething :( big molars cutting so he is a real grumpy bum at the moment. Constantly whinging!

I finally mentioned to B how I feel we aren't a team on this parenting thing. I am so tired of us fighting over nothing. He thinks I'm always having a go but I just wish he wouldn't do it then I wouldn't have to say something. What I mean by this is I want the boys to have the vest start to life as possible. Be healthy and active etc. I limit sugar and salt don't have the tv on during the day etc. B on the other hand gives him lollipops, and chips and sips of softdrink and sometimes alcohol. He says it's only a little bit. This really really annoys me. I don't give a rats if it's only a little bit they shouldn't be having any at all. Also he sits and scrolls the Internet on his phone during dinner. I find this extremely rude and I want us to set a good example to the kids. I think it's extremely wrong to tell a child off for doing something they have simply learnt off watching u do it.

B thinks I am unreasonable. I think he is just being lazy. Its vert hard to not give in and give ur child what they want but if it's not good for them u have to be the parent and say no and u must also set by example. I can imagine this is going to be an on going argument but I am trying to appeal to the adult in B. So far im not having much luck. He grew up in a house hold of 8 kids and I suspect in terms of this they got what they wanted and did what they felt like. Mum and dad would have been too busy to be strict on that kind of thing. But these are my kids too and I am trying to do what is right for them.

Little Blake has his initial appointment for his circumcision today and the big snip on Monday. I know some people don't agree but this our families decision. I am a little nervous after tyler's experience. I mean everything went perfectly fine until did a massive poosplosion on the way home and got poo all through the ring etc. We had to syringe it out which was painful. He was too young for panadol so all round a shit day! This time i waited until Blake was a month old so he can have panadol if needed and i am going to put a flushable nappy liner around it so if he repeats his brothers performance which he may very well as he poos a zillion times a day it at least won't go into the ring.

Be glad when it's over!

I think one of the biggest challenges of having 2 so young is being able to control Tyler while out. It's fine until Blake needs feeding. It's fine at home Tyler entertains himself but when I am on my own with the 2 of them what on earth do I do with Tyler. He hates playing with toys like at a drs surgery he is off running around seeing what mischief he can get into. If I have my pram I could put him in that but he hates being stuck where he can't run around. He had his dads attention span and energy levels so is always on the go and moving. Before Blake came alone I hadn't taken the pram out of the car for months. Once Tyler started walking that was it he would no longer sit in the pram.
Anyway I'm sure we will work it out when we need to. Not much else I can do about it.