yay 2011

How good is it? A new and wonderful year, endless possibilities!! So exciting!

Happy new year everyone.

really seriously?

Man there are some nasty pieces of work in this world.  Trust a selfish person to try and bring me down on this happy day. Was always all about them. Thing is I would never wish or think a mean thing toward anyone. No matter the nasty things that were said I would never wish anything bad to happen. I wish them all the happiness in the world and I hope they find the peace they are after, I am just glad it wont be anywhere near me.  I have come across people like this many times. lol true Gemini's nice as pie to your face just don't turn around! But I am not going to get caught up in this absolute petty crap! Man we are adults not children! There are so many way more important things in life.

Well lucky for me I have had a wonderful night and nothing is going to ruin my happiness :) Went out with DH and a mate for dinner. 2011 is going to be a great year! Happiness is what you make it and if you let the negative people in life bring you down you will never find true joy and happiness.  There are moments on this TTC journey that have been hard, but I had this journey for a reason, to make me a better stronger person and I will never forget the journey ever. Shame some people have, guess they just saw the wrong side of it. Guess the first mistake was thinking what you went through was harder.  No one journey is harder, if you struggle to conceive no matter how long or how many you loose or what ever its a tough difficult journey.  Making it a competition is how you loose friends.

Bring on 2011 I say, its definitely going to be a happy prosperous year!

OMG

I am in a completely state of shock right now!

I'm actually pregnant. tested 12DPO and the line although lighter than the control its well and truly there.

I never thought this day would ever come again.  The next 8weeks and 2 days will be nerve racking but I am just so happy and relieved to be pregnant again!

Wow gob smacked! Please mr/mrs universe let me keep this one!

I just had to add this photo in too.  I bought these shirts as my idea of surprising DH when I finally got those two lines.  lol I was a little excited at 4am, but I did manage to put mine on and give him his.  He already knew though when being woken up at that time. hehe.  You will have to forgive the state of us both, we haven't had much sleep in about a week due to us both being sick!

exhausted

Well this cough that I have has upped it a few thousand notches. I am thinking its bronchitis. I always manage to get it every Christmas! GRRR I didn't get much sleep last night at all and my chest and throat are so sore. I have even managed to start throwing up because I am coughing so much! yuk!

Because of this my temp was really nice and high this morning. I got the minimum 3hours sleep before taking my temp as the last time I got up due to a coughing fit was 1:30am but I would say its just my body fighting it thats pushed it up.

I had some sharp pains yesterday afternoon on the right side.  I wanted to think maybe implantation but I have talked myself out of that.  bbs are still sore but again still not thinking much of it, they just don't feel sore enough. I know of many girls that have had miscarriages and the 2nd/3rd time they fell pregnant they didn't have a strong a symptoms are the first time round. But me thinking that is just grabbing at straws.   I was going to test tomorrow but I honestly don't think there is any point.  I know it will be negative! :( On the other hand it doesn't feel like AF is on the way either but that could still be another 5-6days off yet.

Alright already 2010 you can go away now!

disliking the festive season

OK so to carry on from yesterday, I was on my ipod and it was nearly flat. 

So I have to say I am struggling with the festive season a bit. Had a fairly nice Christmas day with my family and then we headed up to the sunshine coast to spend a few days with DH's family. All fairly nice. Hard to portray feelings on here but I feel really flat about it all!! Again let me say again I have come to accept our little girl wasn't meant to be but it doesn't stop me thinking that I should have a 6 month old daughter now and that Christmas would have been so different. 

Doesn't help that I am 9DPO and I feel nothing. I have some mild cramps and sore bbs but its not pregnancy stuff. I know its early days but I am just not feeling it. I was hoping to a brilliant start to 2011 but I don't think its going to happen. I have started to steel my mind toward plugging out the next 3months and getting to the end of March. Unfortunately if we do get there we would be looking at perhaps doing something in the April cycle. Problem is DH and I are heading back to his home town for his Brother's son's baptism. They have asked DH and I to be god parents are we feel so blessed they asked something so amazing of us. But we will be heading down there for 2 weeks in April. So really we are looking at May. Feels like this journey will never end. that will take us to 13months of TTC after the trouble miscarriage and a total of 20months of TTC  thats just depressing. 

I had a conversation with the gf of one of DH's brothers yesterday. She made a comment about people making extra drama in their life and always acting like everything has to be a fight and why can't people just be happy and live for the now etc. I was a little annoyed by this comment so I had to say something, very diplomatically and didn't indicate any annoyance toward her. Seriously no one wants this crap. Yes there are some people out there who thrive on drama. I am definitely not one of those. I like my life simple and drama free. I like keeping things grounded and yes there are times in the month I can get emotional but ultimately unless warranted I try to keep myself fairly level. Unfortunately when it comes to miscarriages and TTC things don't stay that way. I honestly thought having babies would be easy. I never expected or wanted any of this crap to happen. I would have rathered stayed pregnant last year, had my baby and lived happy ever after. No drama, no roller coaster, no crap, no heartache no pain no sadness. But I didn't get that and I am trying the best I can to keep fighting. I tried to see it from her perspective in that although she is older than me they haven't been in their relationship that long, they rent a house, aren't planning on getting married any time soon, spend all their time partying and doing what most people would do in their early 20's. We are just at different stages of life, but why do people find the need to say offensive stuff without thinking! 

Something I have found over the course of the last 16months is that the main people who have an opinion on infertility, miscarriages or TTC are those that have never had to do any of it or go through any of it! Especially those who had multiple kids and fell pregnant straight away. 

OK rant over! 

I would like to stay hopeful for this month, still 3 days for possible implantation but after 8 months I am sorry but the doubt and skepticism is there. The baby dream has definitely faded for me. oh well. Universe  ------->  me!

Looking forward to just starting fresh in 2011, only 3 days to go.

Happy holiday - hmm not so much

Well merry Christmas too all those that may still read. Hope you all had a wonderful time with your loved ones.I find the festive season very hard. my 2nd Christmas with no baby and still not pregnant. Not feeling it this cycle either:( nothing I can do about it. Just have to look forward to April when we can move onto some else. Thinking at this point might just go straigt to ing but we might have to go 3 rounds of iui. At this rate i'll be lucky to have a baby before I turn 30. Oh well best get back to te festivities. At least we are away for a few days.I keep thinking 2011 will be better but starting to have my doubts.:(

Its a good day

I have to say its a good day.  A group I used to be part of one of the girls finally got her long awaited and well deserved BFP! She has a nervous 8week wait a head but I think she has well and truly been through enough and deserves to have this one with out any other stresses.

Its about time you did something nice universe so don't stop now!

2DPO

I am back to that feeling from Months ago where I feel like there is truly a possibility this cycle. I am scared because of that because if we don't get that very elusive  I will be shattered. I keep thinking you have been through this for 8 months now another bfn wont hurt! But i know that wont be the case. 

Had my follow up appointment with the Dr yesterday. Had my stitches removed. He repeated that he was very pleased with how things went. He also mentioned that after a procedure like this our chances should be increase. Of course this caused me to get up hope some more! He also said that after 3 full cycles if we have no luck to go back for a reassessment and see where to from there. That takes us to the end of March. I guess I feel relieved that something will definitely be happening from there but it still feels so far away. At least we can start saving for the possibility of IUI or IVF. I am very optimistic that we will be pregnant again soon. I have to be. 

Along with this renewed optimism has come the need for a baby again. I have been able to put it to the back of my mind and get on with life and its been good. But now that real need and urgency is back with full vengeance. I see babies or pregnant women and my heart just starts aching with that need  

I spoke to my friend yesterday that was one week ahead of me when we both first fell pregnant. Her little man is crawling and pulling himself up now. That made me sad too. They grow so fast. My little girl would have been 6 months now. I know it wasn't meant to be and I am OK with that but sometimes I do think about what if? what if she had been fine? 

I have decided to take Thurs and Friday off work so I only have 1 working day left!! YAYAYAYAYA 

12days to go!!! TTC can be annoying at times. I am wishing the time away because I want my TWW to be over and hopefully entering an 8WW but at the same time its my holidays and I really don't want to wish them away. I don't get many! 

well last 5-10mins of work better do something!

Clockwork

What an interesting weekend.  

I had my staff Christmas party in Melbourne on Friday, so I flew down on Friday morning.  DH was on a friends staff travel and was supposed to head down that day too.  But he kept getting bumped back in flights due to the storms we had on Thursday night and flights being canceled. So he had gotten to the airport at 9:30am and at 7:30pm decided to call it quits.  I completely understood poor guy.  Problem was it was an important weekend. We were supposed to stay there and fly back on Sunday but I had no luggage with me as DH was bringing that and I knew I was ovulating soon so I caught an early flight home on Saturday.  After that it was pretty uneventful really but I do have to say some people just annoy me.  People couldn't understand why I had to come home the next day. I just told them straight, I didn't care what they thought of me. Having a shot this cycle was way way more important to me than any of these people.  

On a good note though my body was like clockwork and I ovulated yesterday. Nice temp jump this morning.  So definitely BDed enough so now its just up to mother nature.  We did the best we could! 

Testing day will the the 2nd/3rd Jan! That would be a fantastic start to the new year! 

healing nicely

So its been a couple of days now and I am healing nicely.  I have a bruised tummy still but the cuts are no longer hurting as much and my stomach as gone down a heap. The spotting as all but stopped, tiny dot this morning but thats about it.

My temp seems to be sitting in the preovulation area too so hopefully by Tuesday we have had lift off.  I really hope we catch this eggy. There is nothing in there stopping it now so fingers crossed. I am really hopeful. We just have to manage to get some bding in. Poor DH is worried about hurting me.

DH and I are off to Melbourne for the weekend.  I have my work Christmas party tomorrow afternoon and then we are just going to spend a nice relaxing weekend down there with my sister and her partner. It will be nice to get away for a few days. Then back on Monday for my stitches out and follow up appointment with Dr D and the last 4 days of work.

I am really hopeful that 2011 is going to be a much better year all around for us.  DH and I have had a very tough 18months and will be glad to see the back of it.  A baby for next Christmas would be so very wonderful. I love getting into Christmas but it gets a little hampered by the crap stuff going on.

Well best get into my last day of work for this week lol a 1.5day working week. Love it. should be like this more often! haha.

All over and good news

So surgery went really well.  I have a bit of bleeding this time but Dr said its all normal.  My right tube is now unblocked.  Didn't need the wire cannulation in the end. Dr did the Dye test and forced the fluid through really hard and it unblocked what ever it was that was there.  He said that my uterus and tubes all look really nice. YAY so that is really really wonderful news.  He said I might get an AF but I will keep charting and when I am up to it start BDing and hopefully catch us an egg.

Well off to take it easy and relax I have the bad diaphragm and shoulder pain so just need remind myself to take it easy and not flare it up.

I cannot express how happy and relieved I am. Hopefully this is the changing of things to come for us.

Nervous

So count down is on for surgery on Monday.  Had all my blood tests done this morning, and paid all my accounts yesterday and went through the admission on the phone with the hospital.  Have to say I am a little nervous.  A couple of reasons. Firstly being in a room full of people out cold and my lady business showing is never fun but also I hate the feeling of coming out of anesthetic and not being in control and then the off feeling you have for a few days after.  At least I have Tuesday off too.  Would love Wednesday, I will see how I am feeling. Work is quiet even though I have a million things to do so if I am not up to it I am not going in!

Off to Melbourne on Friday for the weekend! WHOOHOO! I have my work Christmas party which they are flying us down for, but DH is coming this time.  It will be nice to spend the weekend down there.  My sister moved there this week so we will have somewhere to stay as well which is good.

Off to a photography class this afternoon.  Looking forward to that too!  I have been taking lots of photos lately and really enjoying it.  I love taking photos of people though. Just their thoughts and expressions as just that can say 1000words. But Legally I don't know how it works with taking photos of people.  More than likely not allowed to. So I have been sticking to animals! lol they can't sue me!

Well off to do some house work. Want it really nice and clean for after surgery on Monday.

Some of my pictures.

Beautiful Song

One of my most favorite song and one of the most beautiful ones I have ever heard is True Love by Regina Spektor. Worth a listen to if you have never heard it.  Original was by John Lennon but I think Regina did a much better version.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z62cAgAdphk

CD3

So as suspected we weren't successful last month, as we didn't manage to DTD at the right time i was kinda expecting it so it wasn't too bad.

So surgery is a go on Monday. I am a little nervous about it. Being in a room of people, out cold with your woman business showing isn't the nicest thing but it will be all worth it in the end. We try for ovulation on the weekend of the 18th-20th which with the surgery will be here before i know it. I know I am putting a lot onto the next cycle so if we are unlucky then I think I will come crashing down a bit!

I am looking forward to getting it fixed though and then have normal chances every month of falling pregnant.
The IVF specialist I went to when he was going over my results said, now your chances aren't halved, its more that it will take you twice as long to fall pregnant. lol seriously to me that is no difference! I am not sure what I am going to do if he comes out and says they weren't able to fix it. I think we might move onto IVF if we can. Finances may be a bit of a problem. But with it being 16months already I am not sure I can handle another 16months of this and still possibly not end up with a baby at the end.

I put the Christmas tree up on the weekend. Looks really nice. The cat has been getting into it though so I have to put a fall balls back up.

Well work is insanely busy at this time of year so I better get back to it. REALLY looking forward to those 11days off. 

Surgery

So the appointment went well today.  I go in for surgery on the 13th.  I have to say I am relieved about it! Dr D was really good about it.  We also don't have to wait after the surgery and I should ovulate again on the 18/19th.  Fingers crossed we catch that egg. That would be so nice! A 2011 baby. That would be perfect :) and a baby before my 29th Birthday.  Testing day would be 1/1/11. Surely thats a lucky day! I will take any luck I can get these days.

I am excited to get this ball rolling.  I know there is a chance that I am pregnant this cycle. But its such a slim chance and I am not holding out any hope, 8DPO and I feel nothing! I am actually so excited that we might actually be able to have a baby.  I am hoping of course that it isn't a big issue to fix at that this surgery will clear the tube and we will be right to go :) I will hold onto that hope until something takes it away and surely its time for me to be able to keep a hold of that hope!!

Tomorrow

So tomorrow I finally go back to Dr D. I have to get bloods done first thing in the morning for my CD21 progesterone. Its actually CD22 tomorrow but it wont matter.  I know I ovulate and have had this test done before.  But I have to say I am a little nervous with the path Dr D might want to or not want to take.

DH and I have both decided that we want to have the tube fixed.  Being a proximal blockage it seems to be Tubal cannulation the method for fixing.  which is good no really actual surgery, its like being forcefully flushed out. Depends on the issue they find when they actually get in there I guess.

My worry is that he wont want to do anything because I do still have one good functioning tube and that ovary does ovulate. But my chances are about 10% :( which is CRAP! Dr A said something about being able to get pregnant from both ovaries with one tube.  I know its possible but its so rare.  I am a little disappointed he said that. I know he is very optimistic and I do appreciate but that sometimes I simply just prefer the truth to rose coloured optimism. Anyway yeah so I am worried he wont want to do anything. Also worried that as they close down for Christmas they wont doing anything until the new year. I know its only another 2 months but I am tired of waiting for all of this.  That will take me up to 17months! :(

I am not really holding out much hope for this cycle, last weekend was completely flat out and DH and I had so much on we actually didn't see each other from Thursday until Monday :( so we got some BDing in Wed night and Monday night but having ovulated on either Sat or Sun I think our chances are extremely slim!

Hopefully I get a nice surprise tomorrow and the Dr is all good.  I am tired of being palmed off.  I seriously want to say I told you so.  That is childish of course but I did know something wasn't right.  I fell pregnant twice so easily then nothing for months nothing! If I hadn't pushed and fort for it we could still be plugging away at this until April when Dr D said it was a more reasonable time frame to look into things.

Had an awesome day yesterday, I spring cleaned the house for Christmas. I did every cupboard and threw out so much stuff.  Feels nice. Trying to decide if I will put up a tree this year. Probably not. No real point in our house until we have kids. Going to make fruit mince pie's and some shortbread cookies and rum balls. Yum.

Well best get to enjoying my Sunday!

Weekend

So after what I seriously believe to be the longest week in history its finally the weekend.  I have to work this weekend but thats OK majority of it I will not be anywhere near the place.  I have a spa day tomorrow with my best friend. So looking forward to that. Then I have DH's christmas party tomorrow night. That is always interesting. Then Sunday its work and hopefully some relaxation.

Oh yeah and D-Day again for another month.  I am really hoping it was my left ovary this month.  Its a natural cycle for me no drugs. my CM has returned to normal and hopefully with the flush out I got on Monday it helps get DH's swimmers up there.  It all depends now on which follicle took over.  The one on the left was 12.6mm on Monday the right only 8.9mm. So surely it was the left one!!

Finally getting over this cold thing too.  Had a shocking sore throat and killer headaches all week.

Well wish me luck. If not I still have another 10days until I go back to Dr D.

report from HSG

so my report came in. Don't know what to think of most of it.  Not sure if the position of my left ovary might create problems too.  I have emailed it to Dr A because I value his opinion and what that before
I go back to Dr D.  In the plus side its my left ovary does have the dominant follicle and was at 12.6mm on Monday. We might actually be in with a chance this month.

This is part of the report. mostly good except for the block right tube obviously!

Findings:

Ultrasound

Transabdominal and endovaginal ultrasound confirms the uterus to be anteverted, midline and of small/normal volume, the body 19.4cc (L3.2cm, H3.2cm, W3.7cm). No focal fibroids or underlying congenital anomaly demonstrated. Striped endometrium 6.0mm with no intracavity mass or fluid. No focal findings of note in the endocervix apart from an occasional nabothian follicle.

Both ovaries are well seen and appear normal in volume, the right 7.0cc, the left 4.9cc, each containing multiple follicles with some variation in follicle size, up to 9mm in the right ovary, 12mm in the left. Please note the left ovary lies deep in the pouch of Douglas, the right ovary is more laterally placed toward the ovarian fossa.  No Intraparenchymal or extraovarian mass. No associated free fluid. No Hydrosalpinx on the unenhanced ultrasound.

Review of the upper renal tract confirms no dilation to either collecting system, right kidney 11.4cm, the left kidney 10.4cm, axial length.

Sonohysterosalpingography

Following discussion and written consent, the combined contrast study was performed under sterile technique utilizing a 7F HSG catheter placed in the endocervical canal, the balloon minimally inflated to achieve a watertight seal. Initially, sterile saline introduced separates the mucosa to confirm a normal triangular endometrial cavity, no intracavity mass, synechiae or adhesions. Subsequently, echogenic contrast (Levovist) introduced again outlines the triangular endometrial cavity with preferential left tubal flow and free peritoneal spill on this side.  Despite adequate intracavity pressure no right tubal flow could be demonstrated. With this technique, tubal spasm is usually easily overcome and this raises the possibility of proximal right tubal obstruction. No hydrosalpinx can be identified.

Summary

Uterus: Small/Normal volume uterus, anteverted to axial. No underlying congenital anomaly, no focal fibroids.

Endometrium: Striped endometrium 6.0mm would be consistent with the proliferative phase of the cycle with no intracavity mass or fluid. No focal findings of note in the endocervix.

Ovaries/Adnexae: Both ovaries are well seen and appear normal in volume, each containing multiple follicles with variation in follicle size and distribution as detailed in the body of the report. There is some minor dystrophic calcification on the surface of the right ovary, the left ovary is deeply situated in the pouch of Douglas adjacent the fundus of the uterus. The right ovary lies toward the lateral ovarian fossa.  There are no other specific findings elsewhere in the pelvis on the unenhanced ultrasound.

Sonohysterosalpingography: The combined contrast study confirms a normal triangular endometrial cavity, no intracavity mass, synechiae or adhesions. Preferential left tubal flow and free spill confirmed. Despite adequate intracavity pressure, no tubal flow could be demonstrated and this appearance raises the possibility of proximal right tubal obstruction. No hydrosalpinx. Minor dystrophic calcification on the surface of the right ovary is a nonspecific finding which can follow previous inflammation or infective episodes.  In our population, the most common cause is mild diffuse endometriosis, there are however no other stigmata of this condition. 

Massive blow

So turns out I was right and there was something wrong this whole time! My right tube is 100% blocked :( probably caused by the extended miscarriage at the beginning of the year.  of course I can still get pregnant but the chances are just a lot lower.  I go back to the specialist on the 29th so we will see if I need to go in for surgery.  Explains everything though.  The test today was so painful. A dye test.

I guess I should be able to say at least we know now and we can move forward. I think I have covered just about every base when it comes to TTC though.  Not even going to pretend that stuffs OK.

I am no longer charting or anything. Be good to find out whats next.

An answer

finally an answer this cycle! I didn't test this morning but my temp was its classic 36.61 pre AF dip.  So AF should arrive tomorrow.

I am a little nervous about my appointment this morning.  Not sure why. I hope they don't just throw us out because we have been pregnant twice, and only been back trying for 7 months. but 15months is a very long time and I am not getting any younger. 28 on Sunday :( depressing thought! I don't care about being 28, I have no problem with getting older. good things come as you get older. Its that my clock is ticking and realistically I only have about 7 years of good baby making left and we want 5 kids :( we are cutting it extremely fine!

But at least with it being CD1 tomorrow we can do this cycle as the IVF clinic wants to. I thought we would miss it as I was supposed to be CD3 today. We might be pregnant by chirstmas. That would be so nice! :)

Oh and my baby princess came homes yesterday. i was so relieved. I love her far to much for anything to have happened to her.  Her coming back was my miracle for that month. I couldn't ask for another one. I am just so happy she is home safe and sound.

grrr

I give up no idea what is going on :( temp still up test neg. bbs a little tender but not worth writing home about. Stupid body. AF doesn't even feel close! definitely don't eel pregnant either though.

Peppa still not home :( REALLY REALLY REALLY  worried about her now :(

tuff day

:( it has been a very tough day today.  Doesn't help that I am extremely tired.  I haven't really slept in about 3 weeks.  I go through bouts of insomnia and this one its hitting home. Started about 3 months ago, and has slowly gotten worse! :( down to about 4 hours sleep a night on a good night.

So factor that in, and that my poor little bubby still hasn't come home, I have no idea if I am pregnant or the universe is playing some nasty games with me and you have me in a very thin state.

My bbs are still tender but no where near as sore as they were this morning so thinking AF was just delayed! YAY!
DH is watching the footy and I can't keep my eyes open so might try to head to bed early.

it just gets better

15DPO no sign of AF and test still Negative.  My bbs are REALLY sore today, my mucus is leaning more toward EW! seriously WTF is going on! I also feel really sick today :( My temp is still really high!

Have to wait till tomorrow now!

On another note, my little kitten is missing. She is my little baby, I am so worried about her. She is about 7/8months old now but she is still so tiny. We think she might have gone on heat so we had her locked inside but when we got home from dinner she was gone.  We think she pushed the screen out in our bedroom window.  Its not like her to be gone this long! Please come up baby!

Hopefully tomorrow I find out one way or the other. Definitely still hoping and praying I am pregnant!

OK really confused now!

At this point I am trying to reel myself in. It is probably nothing at all and just another game being played with me, but today I am 14DPO AF is due tomorrow and my temp really spiked!!! It has happened before but always on 13DPO. My bbs are still tender.  Not sore just I can definitely feel them. Get strong stabby pains every now and again. No AF cramps to speak of. I have a twinge pain high on the left. That can be normal for me but its intensified today! CM is still creamy but not as much there as there has been in the past few days. it is only early though so more time will tell.

Problem is I POAS this morning and it was negative. Granted I only had an IC left :( and even last year when  I tested on 15DPO for the first time the line on the IC was so faint DH disagreed it was even there.

So I have a few theories! Love my theories.
1. Best outcome I am pregnant. I know my body takes FOREVER to get rid of hCG so maybe it takes a while to build up levels too.
2. I ovulated late or even twice as I had very prominent watery CM later in my cycle and my temperature went very strange!
3. Not pregnant and the universe I laughing extremely hard at this little prank its playing on me!

Trying hard not to get hope up as my luck would have my temp crashing out tomorrow and AF arriving. Either way if that happens I have my appointment on Monday to look forward to.

Nervous

so, temp stayed up this morning but test was negative. My bbs are still strangely sore today more so than yesterday, but I haven't got any hope that I am some how pregnant.

I rang and made an appointment with the IVF clinic today! They fitted me in Monday morning at 10:40am.  I couldn't believe it! WOOHOO! Would be nice to get a shot this next cycle.  I know I shouldn't get my hopes up that we will but Monday will only CD3 thats good odds. Dr A recommended the 100mg of clomid again so I think i will do that and then if they have to give me a HCG trigger shot for the IUI there will be some eggs there to release.  If the clomid doesn't work we can try FSH next cycle.

Can't monitor how many follicles I have though seeing as you can never see anything due to my stupidly position uterus. Guess it will be a fire away and hope! DH and I will still BD in the hope that we can get some swimmers up there on our own as well.  I think u have to abstain for a bit before the collection of the sample for IUI but I am sure we can get one in before that time frame and then after the IUI!

I am so nervous and excited all that the same time.  I am worry that I have gotten my hopes up that this will work!

DH is still hopeful on this cycle.  Made me ask what the IVFs cancellation policy was.  They said I can ring Monday morning and cancel if I am pregnant. I guess its the outcomes we want so they will be happy for us.  They must know no one wants to go through all these hassles if they don't have to.

I filled out all the forms today! Some of the questions were funny.  One was, at what age did you start to develop breasts and grow pubic hair. I mean seriously I can't remember crap like that!

Bring on Monday I say!  Off to dinner tomorrow night for an early birthday celebration. My sister is home for the weekend so it will be nice to celebrate it with all the family!

I didn't get the birthday present I really wanted but hopefully I get it for a Christmas present instead!!!!

Funny thing I was thinking yesterday, This time last year I was blissfully, innocently pregnant.  In 8 more days my world came crashing down and changed forever!

Ahead we move

So as I think I said in my last post pretty positive we aren't UTD this month.  POAS this morning and Negative although not a surprise at all.  I have no symptoms.  I have cramps on the left but bbs aren't really sore, stabby pains every now and again but nothing to make me think even remotely pregnant.  Other than that I have very strange watery CM. Seriously AF is due in 3 days why do I have watery CM, question if I ovulated but I definitely have a shift even if my temp has been all over the shop this month. Starting to wonder if I even took the 100mg of clomid! I had absolutely nothing this month to indicate I had taken it! stupid strange cycle!

So anyway after POAS this morning and it being negative I contacted Dr A for a Referral to Dr D! My worry is that we wont get in soon enough and we miss out on this next cycle! :(

anyway Melbourne cup day today! YAY! Not that I ever do much but do get to leave the office at 1pm and thats always good!

fun

Firstly on the TTC front have to say I am pretty sure I am not pregnant this month.  But I expected it so its not a big surprise or painful or anything like that.  

On a different note, I went and bought some roller blades today and I have to say OMG I forgot how much I loved them.  I love going really fast and its such a fantastic workout! Its been about 2 years since I have skated but definitely going to be very regularly now.  I used to skate every day when I was a kid and all day Saturday and Sunday never tricks or anything just skating around, I didn't realise how much I missed it! :) Brings back so many childhood memories! 

YAY for Monday tomorrow!! NOT!!! and I seriously can't believe its the 1st November tomorrow.  scary how fast this year went! 

Stupid Temp

8DPO had a temp drop yesterday and a massive jump today! but I know its not an implant dip.  My CM has been off the charts gross, but I know it doesn't mean anything.

Seriously why does the universe find the need to be mean and nasty and constantly throw these curve balls!

Stupid I tells ya STUPID!

Interesting!!!

Its been a while but nothing much to update so there was no point.  Been mainly back to my old life.  Babies and all involved has been in the back of my mind.

Went for an ultrasound today.  Pelvic scan and follicle check.  Get there, can't see much on external so she opts for an internal. Fine by me already had a million of those during my 2nd miscarriage.  Hmm problem she still can't see anything.  I have had this problem before but not to this extent.  She ends up finding the right ovary, which had 1 follicle so thats good news.  She got me to go away and have a walk and coffee etc and come back.  Nope still nothing.  So it turns out I have an axial uterus, meaning it is straight up.  This is why she couldn't get any pictures of it because it was perfectly inline with the cervix so she couldn't see through it.  So ultimately the scan was a complete and utter waste of time.  One the plus side though at least I know I had one follicle!!

This is our last natural cycle though. Dr A agrees its time to move onto the next step! He will be referring me to Monash IVF for the next cycle.  They will look at iui and FSH injections! I guess I am kinda relieved to know we are finally moving on.  Everyone keeps saying, oh but you have been pregnant so you will fall pregnant again. Unfortunately it isn't that simple.  I really do wish it was!!!!  But its OK, we will get there :)

So I am due to ovulate today, although I haven't seen any fertile CM, probably due to the 100mg clomid. We have been using preseed since CD9 so you never know it might have helped.  We have just been BDing when we feel like it.  We have always been an active couple but since TTC we have dropped off dramatically.  So this month we just went back to having fun! DH definitely got his libido back with all this extra training he has been doing! Not sure if that will help either but we can't really do much else!

I think thats about it really for an update! A friend got her BFP this morning.  I really do hope this one stays sticky for her!!! :) so happy and excited for her she really deserves this one she has had a really tough trot!

A few of the girls I used to know from SWB are about to pop! WOW can't believe how fast time flies! I wish them all the best of luck to have a boring uneventful birth! Simple and uncomplicated is the way to go.  They have all already been through to much to have anything complicated happen now!

Well thats it! Ciao!

Hurry up!!

14DPO, still the same steady temp. Not sure what is happening but my guess is temp will drop tomorrow and AF's arrival will be not long after that!

Stupid thing is I know I am not UTD! Tested this morning and Negative! But my BBS are still sore, not as much as they were but still there, veins on them are so prominent, the nipples look different, my CM is creamy, normally it has completely dried up by now. It started getting creamy yesterday! Seriously WTF!  All these games just to give me that little bit of hope when i know there isn't any!

But emailed Dr A this morning, just to ask him his advice.  The 14months is getting to DH and I and I am tired of sitting in limbo land.  Asked about the possibility of IUI, but he wants me to go 100mg clomid next cycle and basically we cross our fingers and hope! if we have no luck next cycle we move onto IUI, that I am going to insist.  Its so frustrating to know you can fall pregnant and have done twice so easily and now nothing, not matter what you do! ARGH!!!!

Funny thing is Dr A is always the eternal optimist! He response basically was try 100mg of clomid if your period arrives............"

haha very funny! He is very patient though and I am sure he understands the frustrations we are feeling.  I think he is a little baffled to though!

At least now I am well and truly ready for AF's arrival.  I've had my pissed off anger about it already. At least I have a plan now. 100mg clomid, then onto IUI!

CRASH!

Nothing else to say, temp plummeted this morning! All over again for another month.

Threw everything I had at it this month.  Too tired for this shit!

Not finished

OK so I am not finished on my rant yet!

The thing that gets to me is that I am in this middle ground of limbo land!! Although I have been TTC for over 13months now no FS is really interested because I have been pregnant twice. Although I have lost them no Miscarriage clinic isn't interested because its only been two.  So it leaves me here trying away.  I will probably have to wait till we get to 12months of trying before we will get anywhere.  That will then be  18months for us then.  I keep thinking I am sure we will get there. I am sure everything is fine, but I am 2 years off 30 and we wanted a big family.  I am sad that it might not happen.  :( we might be lucky to even just get 1. Of course I will be over the moon with even just 1 if thats all we get but to always have imagined a big family, the thought of that not happening just saddens me.

Its also frustrating because now I have no idea what I am doing wrong.  If we had never been pregnant I might think there is a problem and go seek help. But now I have no idea what it is. What the hell is going wrong!!!

Nothing I can do about it though. Twiddle my thumbs I guess. 7months! I really do hope we manage something on our own in that time.

Emotional and pissed off

Warning angry rant!
11 DPO and I am 99.9% sure we aren't UTD again this cycle.

Thing that pisses me off even more is I get all the symptoms.  My BBS are killing me, they are massive and the veins are really prominent. I have cramping high on the left hand side. My heart burn is really painful. But all this means nothing.  I have gotten it every month leading up to AF! and simply I just don't feel it. I don't feel pregnant.  I am 11DPO now and with only 1 day left in the possible implantation window I know it has to be over!

So now I am angry and emotional! Why do I have to have all the pain and come up with nothing.  My bra and shirt simply just hurt and like I said the heart burn is unbearable! If I was pregnant yay goodie I wouldn't care but to go through that and get AF. BullSHIT!!

My CM has dried up that is basically why I know AF is on the way. Classic sign for me.  Not feeling irritable. I can normally pick that. When I feel PMS irritable I feel like I could explode and just punch everyone. Like the hulk uncontrollable rage hahahaha! but now I am just angry, sad, disappointed and overall emotional! boo! I honestly don't have the energy to keep doing this month after month. I am tired of my life being on hold.  I have been good the last few month, don't think about it too much, have fun and enjoy things, but everything is oh can't do that might be pregnant, might affect a baby, might affect pregnancy. They say preconception stuff is supposed to boost the chance of falling pregnant. LOAD OF CRAP!!

I know this anger wont achieve anything but I am allowed to be angry at the world! I miss out on maternity leave but I suppose I at least have 1 more shot before my 28th Birthday! Guess I should be happy about that! Not sure why! Gee thanks Mr universe force me to go through 13months of hell but hey I should be grateful
 you have given me another shot before my birthday. Don't think so!

Well best get back to work! As unproductive as I feel like being I unfortunately can't be!

hmmm

hmmmmmmmm.... 1 bottle of wine, 1 beer, + some more, and some very nice hot bodies on a massive projector  screen = a very good sunday! GO THE ROOSTERS!!!! hahah

so as you can tell I am having a great afternoon.  Love the roosters! or mainly just Todd Carney! Always had a sweet spot for him! ahahaha

anyway, for those in Brisbane, watch ACA this week. Don't know what night. but some family friends who are naturally fallen pregnant with 5 babies are on there. Now I know that on this format it might be a bit hard to really portray sarcasm. so yep just to let you know I am being REALLY SCARCASTIC!! LESBIAN couple fell pregnant naturally with 5 babies!!!!!! lol they say no drugs were involved and only 2 follicle's were shown on the scan yet they are pregnant with 5 individual babies!!!!!

Now I have no problem that 1 they are pregnant, b they are pregnant with 5.  My problem is they are saying it happened with any intervention! 2 or 3 are possible without any intervention if your genetically dis-positioned! but 5 FFS seriously! that is fertility drug induced! get a F**KING grip and be honest! These are family friends and I am so angry they are lying through there teeth! GRRRRR

I will stand up to their shit story.  They are in it for the money because they are about 24 and seriously can't afford 6 kids because they already have a 1 year old through IUI!

Anyway thats my rant.  Not feeling pregnant at all this month.  Onto next month.  AF should be here next weekend! oh well! Having fun anyway!!!


UPDATE!!!! just saw that add! No F**K it! Seriously a  complete joke! I just want one and they are carrying on that their 5 are a 1 in a million miracle!!! f**K heads, just shits on the heads off all women TTC! I will have my say to their face if i ever see them again! what an absolutely JOKE!!!!! you had fertility drugs its not a f**king miracle! you don't deserve charity hand outs this was your choice! deal with it!

Naturopath

Had another appointment with the Naturopath this afternoon.  Went well.  She is really happy with my progress and was really impressed with all the changes I have made. Told her that we didn't want to have the 3months off the recommend. She was fine with that she just explained that we have to be willing to accept the chance of another miscarriage.  I don't think we will have another one, well I hope not but I am willing to take that risk. I have been doing the preconception thing for what feels like forever, DH hasn't been but you can't force men to do anything and even if we did have 3 months break to do her preconception thing I can't see him doing it anyway! He is far too stubborn for that, he got his swimmers tested and they are fine so he thinks thats all that matters.  Boys!

Not much else happening.  Changed my FF to say only 6DPO.  I put in the temp I took at 1:30am on CD12 when DH got home. Seeing as I didn't get back to bed until after 2:30am because of his booty call lol when I took my temp at 5am I suspect it would have been out.

Doesn't really matter though.  CM has been great.  Been really creamy and wet and lots of it.  So thats a plus.  Glad thats all back to normal! Heartburn has taken off.  Since the day I ovulated its been giving me complete hell.  OUCH OUCH OUCH is all I can say!!!!

TWW is always so slow! 8 days to go! I would love to say I think this is our month but it isn't like that. Life isn't that simple.  I know there is every chance this could be this month but all I can think is what makes this month any different from the last 4!!!!  I am tempted to hold off until 10/10/10 as that will be 15DPO, I have gotten both my BFP then and that is a very very lucky date in the Chinese calendar! lol can't see me holding out that long though.  We'll see!

Nearly Friday and an early mark tomorrow, our Melbourne office had a grand final lunch last Friday for the AFL so we are having our lunch this Friday. Going to a really nice restaurant won an award recently something like best restaurant in Brisbane lol not sure but definitely looking forward to it. Yum Yum!!!

feeling heaps better

So after a bit more thought I figured bugger it.  I am tired of the same old Crap, so I went for a run. I needed to break that fear of exercising in case I am pregnant. I went for a 6km run, I pushed myself hard, it hurt, I was hot but I feel so much better.

I had a talk to DH about and how I had enough.  I am tired of acting like I am pregnant.  I have been since I first fell pregnant in Sept/October last year. From now on until I get those two lines and until the Dr tells me to stop exercising I am going to continue. I can't keep living in fear of miscarriage. I mean every month for 5 months I have put the breaks on exercising after I ovulate because of this fear! NO MORE! I feel better for going for a run and I feel better for letting this go!

:)

tough day

I have no idea what it is but I am so super emotional today.  I am not really one to cry, but seriously yesterday and today I just can't stop. Every thing is just too much and its all over whelming. There are things bothering me. Like the weight gain, I want to get it off but once I ovulate I am scared to do any intense exercise, I eat well but thats not sufficient for me I am not a slim build I have to work out hard and lots to achieve weight gain and even weight maintenance. Its a vicious circle. I hate work and the thought of going again tomorrow is making it all worse. But at the same time nothing will trigger me to cry. I song on the radio and its words, absolutely stupid crap!

I hope it doesn't take long for this feeling to pass.  Not a fan of it at all!

Good news though 3 DPO and my CM is great.  Creamy and lots of it.  At least it seems to be good on that front!

Maybe/Maybe not!

First off OMG TFIF!!!!!!!!

So I don't know if I have indeed ovulated or not. It is a little early for me but if I haven't well it should be in the next few days.  My temp was nice and high this morning but that would probably be due to the lack of sleep!!!  DH went bowling with work last night and I was supposed to pick him up from the train station but at 8:30 I msged him to ask how long he thought he might be and if I should just go to bed. I replied to say they were only just starting the last game.  I decided yep definitely off to bed.

Midnight I woke up and still nothing,  I tried to ring him and no answer :( me being me started to get all worried because he doesn't go out much so I was worried about mugging/drink spiking/fights yep definitely fights. He is a big boy I know that but I still worry about him.  Finally he pulled up in a cab at must of been about 1:30am. Due to the consumption of alcohol he was in a very chatty mood.  We chatted for a while then decided that perhaps we should get jiggy with it.  Have to say it was really good haha, but being that time of the month I had to do the hips/feet up for 10mins+ and you simply just can't sleep like that. Then I wanted to stay on my back because I didn't want to roll over onto my side as I was worried all the swimmers might go down that tube and the egg might be released from the other!! lol yep this at about 2am! I simply couldn't get back to sleep after that, I think I did doze off for a little bit before the alarm went off at 5am :(

But more than likely that is why my temp is high.  I got a positive OPK yesterday so it can't be far away at all.
Using preseed this time too so hopefully that helps too.  I have thrown the world at it this month, would be so nice for it to just work!

Now to try and make it to 3pm without falling asleep.

Tired

Wow its only Thursday and I am so tired. It definitely should be Friday.

So we are back to crunch time again. I have given everything I can, we will BD every 2nd day, and then its up to nature. Being this tired now though I always get those thoughts in my head. It hasn't worked the last 4 months why would this month be any different. At the same time, I think but there is nothing stopping us from falling pregnant this month so maybe.

I just don't ever imagining getting to see those two lines again. I have to say the next pregnancy will be a complete surprise because I am simply not expecting it to actually happen!!

I've definitely done the rounds of TTC now, falling pregnant easily, 2 miscarriages, having to wait, back to TTC but struggling! Its a hard thing to deal with to know you could fall pregnant so easily but for some reason now you can't. In the space of 13months. You just want answers but you will never get them because there is no answer. Its simply just going to take time and you have no idea how long that is.

I do really wonder if I will be pregnant by my 28th Birthday. I have this cycle and the next one!

Scares me too I guess because if we are lucky this cycle we hit the same milestones as my first pregnancy, I would have loved to have been 12weeks by my birthday but instead now I have to pray I hear a heart beat unlike Nov last year when we found out we lost the baby two days before my birthday.

Some days this waiting game is just too much. I just wish I was pregnant already and could move onto the next stage. I have been acting like I am pregnant for 13months now, "Preconception" they call it. I have had a few drinks and things in there but 90% of the time I have been really good, and now its perfect. Makes it hard when things don't work. You do just want to relax with a glass for wine, some soft cheese and a really soppy movie. All I can have now is just the soppy movie! lol

Anyway I hope it all wont matter in a couple of weeks and we finally get that stick BFP!

Back to good old work!

Its working?

So what ever I am doing this month seems to be working in terms of my CM! Don't know if it was cutting out dairy, only eating fresh healthy food, all the exercise, the new herbs from the naturopath, the adjustment at the chiro, but my CM is definitely watery today. OH and I must be about to ovulate soon because I am really horny, I know TMI but I haven't had this for a long time. All my dreams are about sex, and my body just tells me it wants it.

But this month is probably out anyway, DH and I aren't even talking and I don't want to just have sex for a baby. Baby's are out of love, well supposed to be and if we are on different levels right now I am not going to force it in search for a baby thats just stupid!!

I am very very happy that my body is seemingly working though. YAY for good CM haha!

On another note, the chiro was good but man my back was bad, and I have been feeling that for two days after. When your back locks up it can lock in nerves, this has been happening for years for me so releasing them the other day has released a ton of built up toxins perhaps because I have a killer headache, verging on a migraine and I feel really flu like. I doubt I will get sick its just a rebound from the adjustments. Haven't had a migraine in so long, my eyes are light sensitive and just really hurt, I can feel my own heart beat in my head, I can hear it in my ears, and just feel sick! BOO :( but hey if it possibly improved the CM its well and truly worth the pain!!

and seriously we sure its only Wednesday?? Its so hard going back to work, especially when you love you job! Bring on the weekend already! Seeing as I have 1 more cycle for a shot at maternity leave if I finish up work early, after that I might start looking for a new position. I am over the 10/11hour stressful days without breaks.

UPDATE:

And wow the ovulation pains are there today! Left ovary is going for it! haha!

All good things must come to an end

Well my last day of holidays is nearly over. I am looking forward to seeing the girls at work tomorrow but definitely not looking forward to going back!

More results have trickled in and all are completely normal and within range. Still have a couple more to come but so far nothing is standing out. I do hope this month is our turn. They say for someone my age u should fall pregnant in 6 months so 5 sounds good to me :)

I have been working at putting into place everything that the Naturopath said. I have bought an aluminum drink bottle, a pyrex lunch dish, apparently PVA's have been linked to gender swaying in men due to the mimicking effect of oestrogen. So I am really trying to limit them. I bought as much organic food as I could today at shopping. Hurt my bank account but I figure its cheaper than IVF if it works.

Get to try my super smoothie tomorrow morning. Hope it tastes OK! But then again I have always just dealt with crap tasting stuff if I know its good for me. The powder stuff she has me on before dinner is gross but I just shot it down.

Chiropractor tomorrow for some adjustments! YAY. Love the chiro! It always releases so much tension in my back.

Well best cook dinner. Yum Yum!

Last day of holiday

So today wound up the last day of my holiday. I still have the weekend to go but basically holidays are over. Very sad but I have to say it was the best thing I could have done for myself. I feel 100% better. So much happier and full of energy. Positive about everything and RELAXED! :)

So I have been working on another website. I am keeping this one going until I am pregnant to cover the TTC stuff and the hard times. But I also have a pregnancy journey page. Its been 13months now and I want a positive site that covers all the fun things about pregnancy. So I have put pictures up of the nursery and the stuff I have bought so far. I will keep adding photos as I go. I have tickers on there and hopefully we are successful this cycle but if we aren't I will update them each month so that one day we do get the two lines and the ticker will be there :)

The address is http://bubbyjpregnancy.blogspot.com/ if ur interested in following. Hopefully I can move over there full time soon but until then I am happy updating both with different stuff.

On another note I bought a new drink bottle today. Trying to get away from PVA's. so its an aluminium one, and its so cool :)

Oh almost forgot I got my bloods done this morning and the results have been filtering in all day. for CD6 all my results are normal and within range. My general bloods are all good to. Thyroid is fully functional too which is good. So yep all healthy just a matter of time!

Nothing much else today!

Naturopath/Chiropractor

Just got back from my appointments and I have to say they were great! They really wanted to get into it all and go through everything but at the same time didn't force me into anything and understood that I want to do a treatment that suits me. She mentioned stopping for 3 months and make sure everything is on track. I said no and she was fine with that.

So we are working on my insomnia, and my sugar intolerance and a few other things. She wants to get a full blood workup done before we go any further to see what is and isn't working. So I have contacted Dr A to see if he can do a referral up for me and I will go in and grab it and get those done. Then I am back to see her in two weeks.

Chiro was also great. She did an assessment found I have a really inflamed L5 which she said is where the nerves come out that supply my uterus and ovaries. So I got some xrays on my way home and I am back there on Monday and hopefully we can get an adjustment done.

So all in all I am very happy. Its so nice to have someone to really want to get into it all and ask a ton of questions.

I have some stuff to take so hopefully we start to get some good results!

3day AF WTF

So as my title says it was a 3 day AF.WEIRD!!! I had a little tiny bit of spotting today but mostly dry all day. So not sure what happened there, never had a 3day AF in my life. I did a hpt the other day due to all the oddness but Thank god it was negative.

Another awesome day today. Lots of stuff done!!!

Watched an interesting show last night. "One Born every minute" it was a maternity ward in the UK. It was really great, even though those women were in so much pain and it showed how hard it was, I was so excited by it. I seriously couldn't get to sleep after it. All I could think about is getting to that point. It was like I was seriously about to have a baby soon thats how excited I was and I am not even pregnant yet. That traveled through to today and I just got so excited at the thought of falling pregnant, and carrying a baby etc. So I got stuck into the nursery again today. I have managed to do the skeleton, all painted and the big furniture is done. Now to the decorating! Even though I am not pregnant I am enjoying doing this. Its helping me stay positive that we will have a baby one day when the time is right. :)

Its so nice to be positive again. There are still tough days but I feel so much better about the whole journey. I think all the running is helping. Twice a day at the moment. Just feels so good!!!!

Naturopath and Chiropractor tomorrow, looking forward to that too!

Life is good :) All we need to top it off is those two lines!

Another wonderful day

Firstly CD3 nothing much to update there. AF is painful but flow is dismal! Last cycle was weird and the AF is weird to match it. But nearly over now so back to BDing practice soon! We have decided to monitor DH's volume amount for a few days. Every 2nd day he gets lucky and we are just going to see each day how much volume there appears to be. Just to see if it gets more or less the more or less we do it! Can't hurt and DH likes the idea of that arrangement! hahaha

So yesterday afternoon I went to see my good friend who had a little boy 3 months ago today. OMG he was so beautiful. I know I wanted kids before hand, but now its a million times worse. His skin was so soft, and he was so tiny, well he was heavy and big for a 3 month old but he was still so tiny. I have been lucky to not actually have any babies around me so even though my whole being knew it wanted a baby, it didn't really know what that was. Now it knows what that is, OMG that feeling of want is indescribable. I feel like I am going to pop with how excited I am that one day I will have a baby. The same time wanting it right now! but knowing that may not happen, and that gets to me. DH was hoping being around a baby would kick my body into gear. Man I hope so. He was a great baby too, didn't cry once while I was their although M said it was just because someone was always holding him. But I got lots of cuddles and he really liked me. Smiling away and staring his big gorgeous blue eyes at me. Funny boy too he was a farting champion and every time he let a big one out he would smile lol I am sure if he was able too he would have giggled too.

hmmm.

On a different note I am off to see a naturopath on Thursday. Having some irridology (sp?) done and they are also giving me a complementary Chiropractic session. So hopefully it all helps for this cycle seeing as I will be CD5 on Thursday and timing should be great!!!

CD2

Having an interesting day today.

So being on holidays and it being a quiet slow morning I hoped on BubHub OMG what a mistake. Should definitely stay away from there. Today I am struggling with all those women who miscarried after me are now pregnant. Or those only TTC for a few months are pg too. Don't get me wrong I am happy for them, wouldn't wish a harder journey on anyone, but at the same time I just question why isn't it my turn.

I am 28 in a few months and they say when u reach this age you should fall pg within 6 months. Not 3 like those under 25, but I fell pregnant twice at the drop of a hat. Why now has it all of a sudden changed. I ovulate perfectly fine, I have a text book cycle. DH's sperm is great. So what is the problem?

Well this is my last cycle to conceive to have a shot at maternity leave. Very frustrating!

If we conceive this cycle the baby would be due 9 days before our little girls due date!!

I am off to see my friend today who's little boy is now 3 months. Really looking forward to that even though I know its going to be hard!

Well enough blabber for one day!

A great day

So besides having some awesomely horrible cramps today I had a really good day. I got up went for a run. Did some house work. Worked on my novel lol yep and went for another run, washed the bubbies, went to the movies and saw Tomorrow when the war began (GREAT movie) had a nice dinner out and now back at home so DH can watch the footy finals. Tigers and Roosters, even I don't mind these two teams. I have some favorite players in these teams. Shame they are on different teams.

So yeah cramps are giving me some issues. I spotted today but thats about it. They will be in full swing tomorrow. I am honestly OK about it all. I am actually really happy. I feel really good about myself and within myself. I am going to try some Chiropractor and Naturopath this cycle and see if there is something out of balance. But honestly its just more to help my body feel better. I have lost 2kg since Friday simply from working out twice a day and eating super well. I feel like my old self. Training like this feels good for me. I haven't been able to train like this for ages. My body hurts and my right hip is giving me grief but its worth it when I feel this good.

As for the novel. Well its always been a dream of mine to write a book. So I thought well I read one in a day and go through so many of them why don't I finally try writing one. I never expect anyone else to ever read it but hey I think I have a great imagination and I am 2 chapters in and 10pages in 1 day so thats pretty good.

Tomorrow when the war began was definitely a good movie and I think it will be fantastic to get Australia on the board for movies. We have a few others but this is just a normal movie with great graphics. Its funny though you can actually hear the Australian accent! I guess because we are so used to the american accent that a different one stands out.

Well off to continue this great day!

Another month gone

So AF will probably be here tomorrow. At least it was another very nice cycle. As everyone keeps telling me its only a matter of time. Seriously the next person that says that will get a nice sharp punch in the nose!

Home sweet home

So we are back from out wonderful break. We came back a little early because it was a little cold over there and I am SO looking forward to my bed. But it was so really nice to relax and get away from the world for a few days.

On the TTC front 11DPO today. Was doing really well at not thinking about anything at all. I was actually really happy enjoying life. But of course this annoying game had to throw a spanner into the works.

My temperature plummeted on Monday morning(still at home at this point). Then Tuesday and Wednesday it was low but it had gone up. Figured those lower temps were more likely due to sleeping in a tent outside and not getting much sleep and being cold. But on Tuesday I had some spotting. It was brown stuff which was really mucusy. Figured with the low temps AF was coming 5 days early! Not happy JAN! but it was only there on Tuesday. Nothing at all today. Had lots of mucus this morning but its dried. My bbs are REALLY sore but they have been like that for the last few months leading up to AF. So honestly I don't know. I suspect my temp will just start dropping either tomorrow or Friday in anticipation of AF's arrival on Saturday or Sunday. Thing that gets to me is the temp dip and spotting got me excited. GRRR! I wish but I am more realistic!

The good news is that it definitely seems that mucus stringy blood stuff that I lost earlier in the month must have been what was causing that sharp stabbing pain because I haven't felt it once. So that is definitely promising and a step in the right direction.

I still have over a week off which is SO fantastic!!! Its so relaxing just knowing that!

As for testing thinking I might see if I can hold off till Saturday. If my temp hasn't dropped I might just might test. Don't think I will need to though.

Almost time to go to bed! I feel like a little kid at Christmas at that thought. After an airbed and two dogs that needed to cuddle up I had to sleep in very uncomfortable positions and it was SO cold. hmmm my bed is SO comfy lol!!!!!

I managed to ready 2 and a half books while I was away. Its so good to be able to get stuck into a book again. Bad thing is I only bought three for my whole holiday so now I have to go buy some more! haha!

toodles :)

LAST DAY!

WHOOHOO last day of work for 2 WHOLE weeks thats 16 days. I am so excited. This holiday is so needed! Camping for 4 days and then the rest of the time to just relax! Soak up some VitD read a book man I am seriously not going to know what to do with myself!

I am so excited I feel like a little kid at christmas!

On the TTC front. Not much happening. Chart is steady and boring. Hoping its a good sign but who knows. Honestly TTC is on the back burner in my brain at the moment which is a good thing, means I have been able to get on with my life. I have been really happy lately which is such a nice feeling. Also means that when I finally do fall pregnant I will actually be able to enjoy the pregnancy and that I am looking forward to. After m/c you can spend so much time stressing and worrying that you forget that your actual pregnant. Nothing can stop a m/c from happening just like you can't control getting pregnant. Some sanity is a good thing.

Oh yeah and nearly finished painting the nursery. One more coat to go then the wooden trims. I want it finished before I am pregnant so I don't have to worry about doing extra things like that.

OMG I still can't believe only 6 hours of work to go! I am seriously not going to want to come back lol! I could be a lady of leisure. even only work part time 3 days a week. Man that would make such a HUGE difference. Over the 11hour days + 2 traveling and early starts. But we have to do what we have to. I completely understand why adults always used to say If I could go back to school I would. School was a simple breeze. I would go back to grade 10 any day!

wow its been a while

So its been a while since I posted. Been so flat out busy. Work is slave driving me. 5am starts which means 4am get ups, 12 hours days. pfft I am exhausted. Only 2 more days to go of it. Then on the weekend I painted the spare room and did all the chores. On holidays next week for 2 weeks! yay can't come fast enough!

So where am I at. Really happy and content with life really. Started acupuncture and its great. He is fantastic and its awesome that he has such a back ground in fertility. Getting in and doing more renovating is really lifting my spirits. I have also been running every day which always makes me feel great! Even after a 12hour day it helps to re-energise me.

TTC wise thought I was having a doggy cycle but I have been getting up at 4am some mornings 5am others, so I went through and adjusted my temp today and it looks better. May have ovulated on Saturday so might be in the TWW again. Not too worried about it this time though. Don't have a testing day or anything like that. Its going to be nice that I am on holidays when AF is due to arrive when ever that is. Some good news would be nice this month though. See how we go.

Not sure if I posted this last time but DH was tested and his swimmers are all happy!

Guess thats about it! Off to get stuck wish some more needles! hehehe!

Moving forward

So DH went and got friendly with a cup today! haha poor guy. But the good news is his swimmers are perfectly fine. So as suspected its me that has the problem. I am still thinking perhaps its just my body being completely overloaded with what happened. Two miscarriages back to back, one lasting 3 months has to take its toll. So as of tomorrow I start acupuncture. There is a clinic just near me that specialises in infertility, IVF and pregnancy. He seems fantastic. Asked me what CD I was on. I was like CD8 and he was like right have to get you in ASAP so we can catch this cycle too!!!

So I have to start work at 5am again tomorrow, but it isn't too bad. I have managed it today and although I am a little tired it is all for the greater cause and I am more than happy to put in the extra effort.

Nothing much else to report today. Really looking forward tomorrow I really think this might help get my body back into balance.

LOVE WEEKENDS!

So finally the weekend. WOW what a monstrous week! seriously wondered if it would ever end!

But it is a beautiful weekend and at this point I don't know what to do. I was going to go for a hike this morning but we had a turn of events so some chilaxing is on the cards.

Ok so the turn of events. I emailed Dr A about it this morning because I am hoping its nothing but I do know my body well and if something doesn't feel right I should go with my instincts. It started after the D&C. I get a sharp pain on the left of what I assume must be my uterus. I feel it after ovulation and it gets worse when I get AF. Never had this before the D&C. It was REALLY evident in the last miscarriage, didn't think it was anything major then because I thought it was just something happening from that miscarriage. So each month its there, hurts a bit, I ignore and it tell myself its nothing and I am fine! Well this cycle, AF finished yesterday, but this morning the pain was really strong and painful, got up out of bed and had rush of brown old stuff then bright red blood. Totally abnormal for me! So I bit the bullet and emailed Dr A because I am wondering and hoping it isn't anything to do with the problems we are having now! There is nothing I want to hear more than, everything is perfectly fine,your uterus and tubes are wonderfully healthy, DH has wonderful sperm, its just a matter of time. That I can handle.

So I booked in for the ultrasound but the earliest they could get me in was the 6th of September but thats 8DPO and I am not sure that a good time to get the scan done so I ask Dr A if I should just hold off till next cycle.

Well when I hear back from Dr A I will update. Till then enjoy this beautiful day oh and don't forget to vote. I am not a great liker of Abbott he has said some dumb things but seriously at least it was real and how he felt, but OMG I can't stand Gillard! Nothing genuine or caring about her at all. A puppet thats all she is! So don't think I can handle listening to her condescending tone for how ever many years she would be in parliament for!

CD4

So how am I holding up? OK but my mild is still pondering this intrauterine scaring!

AF is still heavy? Hoping its what my body needed to get back on track.

But I did some Dr Googling and before I start I have to say I am thinking I may not have these scars.

Intrauterine scaring after a D&C is referred to as Asherman's syndrome.

Asherman's syndrome (AS), also called "uterine synechiae" or intrauterine adhesions (IUA), presents a condition characterized by the presence of adhesions and/or fibrosis within the uterine cavity due to scars. A number of other terms have been used to describe the condition and related conditions including: traumatic intrauterine adhesions, uterine/cervical atresia, traumatic uterine atrophy, sclerotic endometrium, endometrial sclerosis. In this article AS and IUA are used interchangeably.

Trauma to the basal layer, typically after a dilation and curettage (D&C) performed after a miscarriage, or delivery, or for elective abortion, can lead to the development of intrauterine scars resulting in adhesions that can obliterate the cavity to varying degrees. In the extreme, the whole cavity can be scarred and occluded. Even with relatively few scars, the endometrium may fail to respond toestrogens and rests. Often, patients experience secondary menstrual irregularities characterized by changes in flow and duration of bleeding (amenorrhea, hypomenorrhea, or oligomenorrhea)^[1] and becomeinfertile. Menstrual anomalies are often but not always correlated with severity: adhesions restricted to only the cervix or lower uterus may block menstruation. Pain during menstruation and ovulation is also sometimes experienced and can be attributed to blockages.

OK so now you have some back ground I did a search on the symptoms. All I have is imparied fertility. Nothing else.

Symptoms are: Occluded cervix uteri, Absence of menstruation, Repeated abortions, reduced menstrual flow, Impaired fertility, Amenorrhea, Uterine scarring, uterine adhesions, cramping, abdominal pain.

I haven't had any more cramping than usual. I do have a bit of cramping high on the left after ovulation that I never used to have before the D&C so perhaps something to mention to the Dr. But due to the lack of all of that if i did have some scarring it must be minimal. As I said AF is actually heavy not absent or reduced.

So after reading all that I do feel a bit better about it. Still to have this ultrasound next Thursday and DH is getting his tests done on Monday. An ultrasound isn't really any good at finding scaring but its a start and if we have no Luck this cycle then we are off to see Professor B.