Positive OPK

So I have to say I do feel a little excited. Yesterday on CD12 I had a clearly positive OPK. I haven't had a temp rise this morning but surely I will be ovulating soon. Its very exciting because it means my body is working all by itself.

So this morning we DTD and for the first time in a long time I was wet enough not to use any lube. Sorry TMI! but I am hoping its a really good sign. Then after my mandatory 30min bum on a pillow allocation I went to the bathroon and only a tiny tiny bit came back out. So hopefully means cervix is nice and open.

Oh and the other REALLY exciting thing, I couldn't get an iphone because my plan doesn't run out for ages, and my ipod died on me on Thursday night, I decided to get an ipod touch. Its so much fun. I can't get free wifi everywhere but when i can its good fun. Lots of fun free games!

Put heaps of music on there yesterday, going to get heaps more to put on there this arvo! great for working out too!! YAY!!

A way forward

Firstly I must say a very big congratulations to Nani. So very excited for you. GS should be next and Summa really shouldn't be too far behind!!!!!

So DH and I had a chat today. Where to from here. Clearly clomid isn't for us. So we are off it for the next two months. I am to take my temp from CD13-18 it I don't ovulate between that time we don't DTD after CD17 and move onto the next cycle. If we are unsuccessful for 2 months we are going to try IUI for 3 cycles. If no luck then we will move to IVF. I just got a $5K bonus today so that is going into the savings bank for the possible maybe IVF! I do hope it doesn't get to that but it should only be another 6months or so before we are pg. If IVF works for us.

We hit 11 months today. The clock is ticking :(

Life's sad relisations

There are sometimes in life where you go through certain points and you have realisations that just hit you! I have had a few of those over the past week or so. The biggest being I know I will be pregnant again soon, I know it will happen for us without having to do the TTC thing, for which i am extremely greatful, and now I also realise I can do it without feeling guilty about it at all. If you start reading this please read it all the way through, you will see why.

I was letting everything get to me far too much. I was surrounded by negativity which was fine TTC is a horrible nightmare! I was there to love and support others, but sadly when my TWW started they disappeared because they thought I would get a BFP. My guilt got really bad because I so wanted it to be them too, but I also wanted it to be me so bad. It wasn't until my TWW ended that I heard from them again.

My journey is reaching the 11month mark now, although its not from constantly trying its from very hard extended miscarriages. But I have come to an acceptance. I miss some very special people very much. but it was better for them as well, they didn't need me there when my journey is different from theirs. They may not have realised it but some of the things said were aimed at me and really hurt. I let it go because TTC can be very hard, but I realised me just being their made their journey so much harder. and although I cherished every bit of their friendship, I had to let them go. This makes me very sad, but sometimes we just have to do the right thing even if it hurts.

I am not sure if they will even read this blog anymore, but that is OK. I know them breaking away from me will be helping them, as they don't have to stress and worry about someone else they know getting a bfp. They can continue on in the group and enjoy each others company without having someone there who has a different journey. One less stress for them in this horrible heartbreaking journey.

On another note, my body feels good this month. I feel like me! Well back to work, new position is keeping me VERY VERY busy!

Explanation

So I disappeared really fast the other day. I guess I owe a few an apology, just needed a few days to get my head round a few things. DH and I have decided to stop trying for kids for a while. This was a very hard blow and its not something I took very well. I am coming to terms with it now and have to accept it. I have no choice.

I am sorry if I hurt anyone in the process I just needed space and even people TTC were to hard for me at that point. I was still hoping to follow your journeys with you but seeing as I am no longer TTC I figured I wasn't really entitled to be in any groups or anything.

I guess this came about because I have reached breaking point. So now I am at a crossroads not sure what to do. I find it very hard to know that I am going to hit my 28th birthday and still not be pregnant. There goes my dream of a big family. There goes so many dreams for me. I wasn't lucky enough to find the love of my life when I was younger, I wasn't lucky enough to start trying for kids when I had heaps of time to play with.

Even though I fell pregnant easily twice, I am now struggling to even fall pregnant on fertility drugs. Being off them now my cycle is probably going to be a mess, to the point my Dr recommended I stay on them. But there is no point if we aren't trying. And if I do fall pg now my chance of miscarriage is very high.

I have come to an acceptance that apparently I am not going to make a good mum and therefore am not entitled to kids. I have done something really bad throughout my life that I need punishment for.

I am currently working myself into the ground for a goal and dream I will probably never achieve. I have been considering fostering/adoption lately. but then i think why the hell should I look after someone else's child because they were too pathetic and incompetent to do it themselves when I am not entitled to one.

Anyway off topic. So again I am sorry for my fast departure the other day, but as you are all TTCers and thats how we became friends with me no longer TTC I had no right to be part of ur groups. I still think of you all everyday and still follow your journeys. I know you will all get your dreams one day and I truly do hope its sooner rather than later.

All over red rover

So for another month its all over! Temp dropped and a neg hpt. So that is the end of TTC for me. This will by my last blog post. My chart will also be closed down once I have copied them all for future reference if FS ever needs it.

Still have sore boobs etc, FF has put me at 81 point to be pg hahaha idiots! Seriously the universe is just one major f**king C**T!

So this also signals my good byes to all my TTC friends. They have needed their space and my apparent being able to fall pg easy gave them some issues. Probably a few sighs of relief that for another month they don't have to deal with me being pg. More than likely they will get their first. But its all good all the time right!
I wish them and everyone else all the best of luck and I hope you all have healthy pregnancies and babies one day.

Thank you for all your support throughout the past but I now have to move on. This isn't for me anymore.

Take care of yourselves.

Shel

xoxoxo

still confused

Right so the low down is I am 13DPO and my temp jumped up this morning not down. My (.Y.) are still sore, I have the dull left hand side cramp every now and again, too early in the day to know about CM. But definitely don't feel like AF is coming! But hpt was neg! :( so very very confused! I want to say I definitely feel pregnant but with a neg hpt at this stage I am very unsure. Perhaps its just clomid and the universe ganging up to screw me over!

Only other explanation for the temp rise is I am getting sick but I don't feel like I am. Who knows! onto tomorrow we go!

Torn

OK, so I am very torn at the moment. I definitely don't want to jump the gun but normally my instincts can be pretty good. The symptoms I have this month are different to last month. Even though they were there last month, I had abnormally high progesterone so that probably triggered the symptoms. Now my temp is where it normally is so my progesterone should be about where it normally is.

I did a test this morning using an IC and it was neg! Not surprised. I was lucky to even see the line at 15DPO last time on one of those! I am scared to think what I am thinking but everything is pointing towards it.

My (.Y.) are REALLY REALLY REALLY sore today. I can feel the nipples on my bra and it hurts. I have no PMS or irratability what so ever and normally my PMS is bang on, even DH has noticed an absence in the PMS. My CM is in high abundance. I just feel wet! (sorry TMI). Normally by this time I would have a tiny bit if not dried up completely. I have the cramps on the Left hand side only. normally AF cramps would be setting in and my whole uterus would be aching and so would my VJ. I would have that heavy feeling like I am about too loose a gallon of blood any minute. I have none of that. I am so tired all the time. I have been napping in the afternoon when i get home. I will get up have dinner and go to bed again. My body just feels exhausted all the time. Even lifting my arms is effort most of the time. I was thinking I was getting sick or something. But I thought that the last two times too. I am completely absent minded. I made mistake after mistake yesterday. My brain was just complete fog.

That an my instincts are telling me I am. All this being the case though my head is telling me I am a F**KING idiot for getting excited and my temp will drop tomorrow and I will get hurt and be all upset! If I am not pg though I will have to say I will be completely GOB SMACKED! If feels the same as the last two times.

If my temp stays up tomorrow I will pull out a FR! If its negative I reside to my fate!

On another note though DH and I had a talk this morning. Was supposed to do it last night but I was too tired and went to bed. If we aren't successful this cycle we need to find a new path. I explained to him about the way it rules a womans life. He wants me to give up the charting because thats a physical thing he sees but there is WAY more than that! everyday its always on a womans mind 24/7 when TTC. Should I eat this, should I do that. I don't have a glass of wine just in case, I wont go for a run after ovulation cause it helped being on my last m/c so I am scared. I am scared to orgasm after ovulation in case it prevents bub from attaching or brings on a m/c. I can't eat that cheese, that meat etc etc. i don't sit down too hard or jump onto a chair because I am scared of a m/c. The list goes on and on. So giving up charting is one small tiny part of it. I don't know how I go about changing any of this because its fine to say lets just "Not try" and see what happens. But having had 2 m/c's one natural I am petrified of it happening again. I don't know if going off clomid will make my cycles all horrible again with late ovulation and a really short LP, which is what caused Jan's m/c. I wont be charting so I wont know. I don't know if I can cope through another m/c. So that was really as far as we got with the discussion. I guess we will pick it up later.

One thing I do know, I have put on far too much weight in this whole TTC process! If my temp drops tomorrow morning I am going to start intense exercising again! I can't keep going like this. None of my clothes fit and I hate it.

Well I will update tomorrow and see if my prediction is right or if I am completely off base! If I am off base I am so getting an I TOLD U SO! from my brain!

10DPO

So where am I at??? Somewhere in my normal limbo state. Not feeling pg kinda feeling AF is on the way. Cramping started yesterday. Had some sharp stabs this morning, not sure what thats about but it definitely made me stop and draw in a breath from the pain. Maybe something to ask the Dr about if we aren't lucky this cycle. I never had cramps or pains like this ever before the D&C. After it definitely more often. I thought it was the progesterone, but I have never had a problem ovulating, even if it was a bit late sometimes, so my body should be used it!

My CM is really wet creamy. If AF is on the way that should probably dry up tomorrow. Nothing in the boobs. The bottom of them are tender but I have come to realise that is definitely progesterone. If the nipples were somewhere on the radar I might think different.

So where is my head at? its pretty good. Being tired makes me a little emotional but mainly I just get sad that we still aren't pregnant. Its not a bad thing. But ultimately I am not sure I can keep going at this. Its fine to stop TTC, no charting etc but your life is still ruled by TTC. What I mean by that is, the house we live in which is so expensive is for the kids, the jobs we go to for 10hours a day and spend 2 hours travelling too and from is so we can save money for the kids, the work we spend every weekend doing around the house is for the kids. I am not sure I can keep pushing on like this. If we aren't TTC then why can't we do some fun stuff like travel Europe and Asia? Actually live life and enjoy it.

But that would be enjoyable and we wouldn't want that!

Weird Day

So I woke up this morning feeling very emotional! I have this very overwhelming feeling today about how much I want a baby. Its completely consuming me. I keep thinking about how I should of had a baby a few weeks ago, that I should be holding her right now, that I should be pregnant by now, and that I really really need to be pregnant this month. I want it so bad! I don't know if its just hormone related, or if its that the next 5 days are critical and if bubby is there and going to implant it will be in these next 5 days. If it doesn't implant than what do I do then?? I have gone from being able to fall pg at the drop of a hat to not being able to even with help from fertility drugs. :( I have been perfectly fine about all of this for weeks and weeks, but today I woke up and bang. All the emotion just made me feel like I wanted to curl up in a ball, cry and go back to sleep.

I guess it doesn't help that I am still temping this cycle and my temp isn't as high as last month making me think I released 2 eggs. and If last month I couldn't get 1 of those fertilised and implanted what makes me think I will catch the 1 this month! :(

Its still early and I don't have any symptoms either way. Crampy uterus is about it but I had that last month.

I know I am going to be fine and that tomorrow I will probably wake up feeling good, today is just one of those days! I want a baby and I have absolutely no control over when I get one! :(

Nervous

So although I feel very laid back and at ease about the whole TTC thing I have to admit I am a little nervous. This is my 2nd round of clomid and normally couples that have had a lot of trouble even falling pregnant are found to conceive between 1-3 cycles. Some other cases if ovulation isn't the problem Clomid wont work anyway, but normally 1-3.

Well I know I can fall pregnant and I have been extremely lucky and had it happen twice really easily. So to think that we are again possibly going to be unsuccessful this month makes me nervous. What is now going wrong? We BDed everyday around Ovulation and you only need 1 sperm and 1 egg!!!! I decided to not use preseed this month and just use it like normal lubrication. I was worried that last month using the insertion method it may have created too much fluid for DH's swimmers to get through. I seem to be creating enough CM on my own, no more or less than what I did without the clomid so I figured I should be fine.

I just feel my biological clock ticking, its so loud in my head, and as my 28th birthday approaches it gets louder and louder. I can't change it I can't make it go away I certainly can't make myself any younger! lol even thought that would be really really nice! I just have to sit here and patiently wait for our baby to come join us!

Man I really do hate the TWW! It seems to take FOREVER and I am only 3/14 days down!

On another note, I have finished painting the nursery furniture so I will have to post some photos later. We will be starting the nursery this weekend! Hopefully BubbyJ isn't too far away :)

We have lift off!

2DPO!

Well I have popped! on CD15 which is good :) Now the waiting game begins. 12days to go!

Was going to have a rant about something. Have decided against it. No point! the world is just unfair sometimes!

Not really anything else to say! Been trying to keep a low profile on the TTC baby stuff. Just need a break. It is helping. Although when someone else announces they are pg things flood back again. I am not saying I am not happy for them, but seriously is it my turn yet?

Hmm tired and grumpy today! lol going to leave it there!

Ovulation? not yet but we are getting close

So its been a few days. Nothing really happening in my world! work work work! Looks like I will hopefully get that promotion so it will all be worth it!

On the TTC front, looks like my body is gearing up to ovulation. I had a nice rise this morning, but I think its true form for me to have the rise a couple of days before I ovulate. I am expecting a dip again tomorrow then either ovulate tomorrow or monday!

I did some chart analysis.....What do you guys think? I am going with the most recent one and thinking not ovulated!