Torn

OK, so I am very torn at the moment. I definitely don't want to jump the gun but normally my instincts can be pretty good. The symptoms I have this month are different to last month. Even though they were there last month, I had abnormally high progesterone so that probably triggered the symptoms. Now my temp is where it normally is so my progesterone should be about where it normally is.

I did a test this morning using an IC and it was neg! Not surprised. I was lucky to even see the line at 15DPO last time on one of those! I am scared to think what I am thinking but everything is pointing towards it.

My (.Y.) are REALLY REALLY REALLY sore today. I can feel the nipples on my bra and it hurts. I have no PMS or irratability what so ever and normally my PMS is bang on, even DH has noticed an absence in the PMS. My CM is in high abundance. I just feel wet! (sorry TMI). Normally by this time I would have a tiny bit if not dried up completely. I have the cramps on the Left hand side only. normally AF cramps would be setting in and my whole uterus would be aching and so would my VJ. I would have that heavy feeling like I am about too loose a gallon of blood any minute. I have none of that. I am so tired all the time. I have been napping in the afternoon when i get home. I will get up have dinner and go to bed again. My body just feels exhausted all the time. Even lifting my arms is effort most of the time. I was thinking I was getting sick or something. But I thought that the last two times too. I am completely absent minded. I made mistake after mistake yesterday. My brain was just complete fog.

That an my instincts are telling me I am. All this being the case though my head is telling me I am a F**KING idiot for getting excited and my temp will drop tomorrow and I will get hurt and be all upset! If I am not pg though I will have to say I will be completely GOB SMACKED! If feels the same as the last two times.

If my temp stays up tomorrow I will pull out a FR! If its negative I reside to my fate!

On another note though DH and I had a talk this morning. Was supposed to do it last night but I was too tired and went to bed. If we aren't successful this cycle we need to find a new path. I explained to him about the way it rules a womans life. He wants me to give up the charting because thats a physical thing he sees but there is WAY more than that! everyday its always on a womans mind 24/7 when TTC. Should I eat this, should I do that. I don't have a glass of wine just in case, I wont go for a run after ovulation cause it helped being on my last m/c so I am scared. I am scared to orgasm after ovulation in case it prevents bub from attaching or brings on a m/c. I can't eat that cheese, that meat etc etc. i don't sit down too hard or jump onto a chair because I am scared of a m/c. The list goes on and on. So giving up charting is one small tiny part of it. I don't know how I go about changing any of this because its fine to say lets just "Not try" and see what happens. But having had 2 m/c's one natural I am petrified of it happening again. I don't know if going off clomid will make my cycles all horrible again with late ovulation and a really short LP, which is what caused Jan's m/c. I wont be charting so I wont know. I don't know if I can cope through another m/c. So that was really as far as we got with the discussion. I guess we will pick it up later.

One thing I do know, I have put on far too much weight in this whole TTC process! If my temp drops tomorrow morning I am going to start intense exercising again! I can't keep going like this. None of my clothes fit and I hate it.

Well I will update tomorrow and see if my prediction is right or if I am completely off base! If I am off base I am so getting an I TOLD U SO! from my brain!