yay 2011

How good is it? A new and wonderful year, endless possibilities!! So exciting!

Happy new year everyone.

really seriously?

Man there are some nasty pieces of work in this world.  Trust a selfish person to try and bring me down on this happy day. Was always all about them. Thing is I would never wish or think a mean thing toward anyone. No matter the nasty things that were said I would never wish anything bad to happen. I wish them all the happiness in the world and I hope they find the peace they are after, I am just glad it wont be anywhere near me.  I have come across people like this many times. lol true Gemini's nice as pie to your face just don't turn around! But I am not going to get caught up in this absolute petty crap! Man we are adults not children! There are so many way more important things in life.

Well lucky for me I have had a wonderful night and nothing is going to ruin my happiness :) Went out with DH and a mate for dinner. 2011 is going to be a great year! Happiness is what you make it and if you let the negative people in life bring you down you will never find true joy and happiness.  There are moments on this TTC journey that have been hard, but I had this journey for a reason, to make me a better stronger person and I will never forget the journey ever. Shame some people have, guess they just saw the wrong side of it. Guess the first mistake was thinking what you went through was harder.  No one journey is harder, if you struggle to conceive no matter how long or how many you loose or what ever its a tough difficult journey.  Making it a competition is how you loose friends.

Bring on 2011 I say, its definitely going to be a happy prosperous year!

OMG

I am in a completely state of shock right now!

I'm actually pregnant. tested 12DPO and the line although lighter than the control its well and truly there.

I never thought this day would ever come again.  The next 8weeks and 2 days will be nerve racking but I am just so happy and relieved to be pregnant again!

Wow gob smacked! Please mr/mrs universe let me keep this one!

I just had to add this photo in too.  I bought these shirts as my idea of surprising DH when I finally got those two lines.  lol I was a little excited at 4am, but I did manage to put mine on and give him his.  He already knew though when being woken up at that time. hehe.  You will have to forgive the state of us both, we haven't had much sleep in about a week due to us both being sick!

exhausted

Well this cough that I have has upped it a few thousand notches. I am thinking its bronchitis. I always manage to get it every Christmas! GRRR I didn't get much sleep last night at all and my chest and throat are so sore. I have even managed to start throwing up because I am coughing so much! yuk!

Because of this my temp was really nice and high this morning. I got the minimum 3hours sleep before taking my temp as the last time I got up due to a coughing fit was 1:30am but I would say its just my body fighting it thats pushed it up.

I had some sharp pains yesterday afternoon on the right side.  I wanted to think maybe implantation but I have talked myself out of that.  bbs are still sore but again still not thinking much of it, they just don't feel sore enough. I know of many girls that have had miscarriages and the 2nd/3rd time they fell pregnant they didn't have a strong a symptoms are the first time round. But me thinking that is just grabbing at straws.   I was going to test tomorrow but I honestly don't think there is any point.  I know it will be negative! :( On the other hand it doesn't feel like AF is on the way either but that could still be another 5-6days off yet.

Alright already 2010 you can go away now!

disliking the festive season

OK so to carry on from yesterday, I was on my ipod and it was nearly flat. 

So I have to say I am struggling with the festive season a bit. Had a fairly nice Christmas day with my family and then we headed up to the sunshine coast to spend a few days with DH's family. All fairly nice. Hard to portray feelings on here but I feel really flat about it all!! Again let me say again I have come to accept our little girl wasn't meant to be but it doesn't stop me thinking that I should have a 6 month old daughter now and that Christmas would have been so different. 

Doesn't help that I am 9DPO and I feel nothing. I have some mild cramps and sore bbs but its not pregnancy stuff. I know its early days but I am just not feeling it. I was hoping to a brilliant start to 2011 but I don't think its going to happen. I have started to steel my mind toward plugging out the next 3months and getting to the end of March. Unfortunately if we do get there we would be looking at perhaps doing something in the April cycle. Problem is DH and I are heading back to his home town for his Brother's son's baptism. They have asked DH and I to be god parents are we feel so blessed they asked something so amazing of us. But we will be heading down there for 2 weeks in April. So really we are looking at May. Feels like this journey will never end. that will take us to 13months of TTC after the trouble miscarriage and a total of 20months of TTC  thats just depressing. 

I had a conversation with the gf of one of DH's brothers yesterday. She made a comment about people making extra drama in their life and always acting like everything has to be a fight and why can't people just be happy and live for the now etc. I was a little annoyed by this comment so I had to say something, very diplomatically and didn't indicate any annoyance toward her. Seriously no one wants this crap. Yes there are some people out there who thrive on drama. I am definitely not one of those. I like my life simple and drama free. I like keeping things grounded and yes there are times in the month I can get emotional but ultimately unless warranted I try to keep myself fairly level. Unfortunately when it comes to miscarriages and TTC things don't stay that way. I honestly thought having babies would be easy. I never expected or wanted any of this crap to happen. I would have rathered stayed pregnant last year, had my baby and lived happy ever after. No drama, no roller coaster, no crap, no heartache no pain no sadness. But I didn't get that and I am trying the best I can to keep fighting. I tried to see it from her perspective in that although she is older than me they haven't been in their relationship that long, they rent a house, aren't planning on getting married any time soon, spend all their time partying and doing what most people would do in their early 20's. We are just at different stages of life, but why do people find the need to say offensive stuff without thinking! 

Something I have found over the course of the last 16months is that the main people who have an opinion on infertility, miscarriages or TTC are those that have never had to do any of it or go through any of it! Especially those who had multiple kids and fell pregnant straight away. 

OK rant over! 

I would like to stay hopeful for this month, still 3 days for possible implantation but after 8 months I am sorry but the doubt and skepticism is there. The baby dream has definitely faded for me. oh well. Universe  ------->  me!

Looking forward to just starting fresh in 2011, only 3 days to go.

Happy holiday - hmm not so much

Well merry Christmas too all those that may still read. Hope you all had a wonderful time with your loved ones.I find the festive season very hard. my 2nd Christmas with no baby and still not pregnant. Not feeling it this cycle either:( nothing I can do about it. Just have to look forward to April when we can move onto some else. Thinking at this point might just go straigt to ing but we might have to go 3 rounds of iui. At this rate i'll be lucky to have a baby before I turn 30. Oh well best get back to te festivities. At least we are away for a few days.I keep thinking 2011 will be better but starting to have my doubts.:(

Its a good day

I have to say its a good day.  A group I used to be part of one of the girls finally got her long awaited and well deserved BFP! She has a nervous 8week wait a head but I think she has well and truly been through enough and deserves to have this one with out any other stresses.

Its about time you did something nice universe so don't stop now!

2DPO

I am back to that feeling from Months ago where I feel like there is truly a possibility this cycle. I am scared because of that because if we don't get that very elusive  I will be shattered. I keep thinking you have been through this for 8 months now another bfn wont hurt! But i know that wont be the case. 

Had my follow up appointment with the Dr yesterday. Had my stitches removed. He repeated that he was very pleased with how things went. He also mentioned that after a procedure like this our chances should be increase. Of course this caused me to get up hope some more! He also said that after 3 full cycles if we have no luck to go back for a reassessment and see where to from there. That takes us to the end of March. I guess I feel relieved that something will definitely be happening from there but it still feels so far away. At least we can start saving for the possibility of IUI or IVF. I am very optimistic that we will be pregnant again soon. I have to be. 

Along with this renewed optimism has come the need for a baby again. I have been able to put it to the back of my mind and get on with life and its been good. But now that real need and urgency is back with full vengeance. I see babies or pregnant women and my heart just starts aching with that need  

I spoke to my friend yesterday that was one week ahead of me when we both first fell pregnant. Her little man is crawling and pulling himself up now. That made me sad too. They grow so fast. My little girl would have been 6 months now. I know it wasn't meant to be and I am OK with that but sometimes I do think about what if? what if she had been fine? 

I have decided to take Thurs and Friday off work so I only have 1 working day left!! YAYAYAYAYA 

12days to go!!! TTC can be annoying at times. I am wishing the time away because I want my TWW to be over and hopefully entering an 8WW but at the same time its my holidays and I really don't want to wish them away. I don't get many! 

well last 5-10mins of work better do something!

Clockwork

What an interesting weekend.  

I had my staff Christmas party in Melbourne on Friday, so I flew down on Friday morning.  DH was on a friends staff travel and was supposed to head down that day too.  But he kept getting bumped back in flights due to the storms we had on Thursday night and flights being canceled. So he had gotten to the airport at 9:30am and at 7:30pm decided to call it quits.  I completely understood poor guy.  Problem was it was an important weekend. We were supposed to stay there and fly back on Sunday but I had no luggage with me as DH was bringing that and I knew I was ovulating soon so I caught an early flight home on Saturday.  After that it was pretty uneventful really but I do have to say some people just annoy me.  People couldn't understand why I had to come home the next day. I just told them straight, I didn't care what they thought of me. Having a shot this cycle was way way more important to me than any of these people.  

On a good note though my body was like clockwork and I ovulated yesterday. Nice temp jump this morning.  So definitely BDed enough so now its just up to mother nature.  We did the best we could! 

Testing day will the the 2nd/3rd Jan! That would be a fantastic start to the new year! 

healing nicely

So its been a couple of days now and I am healing nicely.  I have a bruised tummy still but the cuts are no longer hurting as much and my stomach as gone down a heap. The spotting as all but stopped, tiny dot this morning but thats about it.

My temp seems to be sitting in the preovulation area too so hopefully by Tuesday we have had lift off.  I really hope we catch this eggy. There is nothing in there stopping it now so fingers crossed. I am really hopeful. We just have to manage to get some bding in. Poor DH is worried about hurting me.

DH and I are off to Melbourne for the weekend.  I have my work Christmas party tomorrow afternoon and then we are just going to spend a nice relaxing weekend down there with my sister and her partner. It will be nice to get away for a few days. Then back on Monday for my stitches out and follow up appointment with Dr D and the last 4 days of work.

I am really hopeful that 2011 is going to be a much better year all around for us.  DH and I have had a very tough 18months and will be glad to see the back of it.  A baby for next Christmas would be so very wonderful. I love getting into Christmas but it gets a little hampered by the crap stuff going on.

Well best get into my last day of work for this week lol a 1.5day working week. Love it. should be like this more often! haha.

All over and good news

So surgery went really well.  I have a bit of bleeding this time but Dr said its all normal.  My right tube is now unblocked.  Didn't need the wire cannulation in the end. Dr did the Dye test and forced the fluid through really hard and it unblocked what ever it was that was there.  He said that my uterus and tubes all look really nice. YAY so that is really really wonderful news.  He said I might get an AF but I will keep charting and when I am up to it start BDing and hopefully catch us an egg.

Well off to take it easy and relax I have the bad diaphragm and shoulder pain so just need remind myself to take it easy and not flare it up.

I cannot express how happy and relieved I am. Hopefully this is the changing of things to come for us.

Nervous

So count down is on for surgery on Monday.  Had all my blood tests done this morning, and paid all my accounts yesterday and went through the admission on the phone with the hospital.  Have to say I am a little nervous.  A couple of reasons. Firstly being in a room full of people out cold and my lady business showing is never fun but also I hate the feeling of coming out of anesthetic and not being in control and then the off feeling you have for a few days after.  At least I have Tuesday off too.  Would love Wednesday, I will see how I am feeling. Work is quiet even though I have a million things to do so if I am not up to it I am not going in!

Off to Melbourne on Friday for the weekend! WHOOHOO! I have my work Christmas party which they are flying us down for, but DH is coming this time.  It will be nice to spend the weekend down there.  My sister moved there this week so we will have somewhere to stay as well which is good.

Off to a photography class this afternoon.  Looking forward to that too!  I have been taking lots of photos lately and really enjoying it.  I love taking photos of people though. Just their thoughts and expressions as just that can say 1000words. But Legally I don't know how it works with taking photos of people.  More than likely not allowed to. So I have been sticking to animals! lol they can't sue me!

Well off to do some house work. Want it really nice and clean for after surgery on Monday.

Some of my pictures.

Beautiful Song

One of my most favorite song and one of the most beautiful ones I have ever heard is True Love by Regina Spektor. Worth a listen to if you have never heard it.  Original was by John Lennon but I think Regina did a much better version.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z62cAgAdphk

CD3

So as suspected we weren't successful last month, as we didn't manage to DTD at the right time i was kinda expecting it so it wasn't too bad.

So surgery is a go on Monday. I am a little nervous about it. Being in a room of people, out cold with your woman business showing isn't the nicest thing but it will be all worth it in the end. We try for ovulation on the weekend of the 18th-20th which with the surgery will be here before i know it. I know I am putting a lot onto the next cycle so if we are unlucky then I think I will come crashing down a bit!

I am looking forward to getting it fixed though and then have normal chances every month of falling pregnant.
The IVF specialist I went to when he was going over my results said, now your chances aren't halved, its more that it will take you twice as long to fall pregnant. lol seriously to me that is no difference! I am not sure what I am going to do if he comes out and says they weren't able to fix it. I think we might move onto IVF if we can. Finances may be a bit of a problem. But with it being 16months already I am not sure I can handle another 16months of this and still possibly not end up with a baby at the end.

I put the Christmas tree up on the weekend. Looks really nice. The cat has been getting into it though so I have to put a fall balls back up.

Well work is insanely busy at this time of year so I better get back to it. REALLY looking forward to those 11days off.