Ahhh relief! Well a little bit!

Couldn't help myself and had to test again!

1 day late now and a nice strong test line!!

4 weeks

So I don't want to jinx myself but I seem to have made it through today with no bleeding or spotting which is great :) normally I get a little tiny bit of brown stuff the day before cd1 but nothing yesterday and nothing today.

I am only 4 weeks and already I am finding myself STARVING constantly! Other than that I am a bit tired and sick feeling, heart burn is kicking it up a gear! Nothing major though. I will be happy when M/S starts as it was my security blanket!

Tyler is doing great here in Darwin. He did awesome on the plane slept twice, whinges a little bit but over all a great little boy. He is sleeping great, isn't grumpy or grizzly, which I was expecting being in a different environment. I bought his bed toys up and his monitors so he has his music.

Nephew Nate is gorgeous! I have completely forgotten what Tyler was that small. He spends most of his time sleeping at the moment. Lucky I am here for just over a week so I can get in lots of cuddles!

Pics to finish

Darwin bound!

Yay we are off for some new born nephew cuddles!! I extremely nervous about the flight but it will be worth it once we get there :)

On bubba bean line is definitely darker yay! 1 worry out the way. Onto getting through tomorrow without AF arriving!

:( hernia?

I am so worried the little man has a hernia! Just above his left testicle there is a lump it's sausage looking :( have to take him to the dr today. I am not worried about he hernia itself as I picked it up early but it will need surgery to correct it :( this means him going under a general and that scares the absolute crap out of me.

Will update when I know more! :( fingers crossed it's nothing!

On bubba bean well the line is definitely getting darker! Yay!

Pregnant!

So of course I had to go and pretty much buy the pharmacy out of hpt's lol!!!

Not FMU's obviously! Lol but the line is there and of course u can't dispute the digital. I am worried about the line being so faint but it is still early. I no doubt will be testing regularly. Please let that line get darker!

I just have to pray now that bub is viable and stays strong and healthy. Getting pregnant never was my issue!

Due date: 7th Dec 2012 :)

Sh*t

The line although 100% visible isn't really any darker! Damn it! So now I have no idea what it means. I now have 3 tests with a pink line on them. U can't get 3 evap lines that would be crazy!

But surely it should be darker than what it is? AF isn't due till Friday so it's still really early but the 12dpo test for Tyler was so much darker :(

Maybe chemical? AF might just turn up on Friday! It is always the risk when testing early.

I honestly don't know what to think. Once shops open I will go grab some more tests! Might grab a digital and then some for tomorrow morning. I want this baby to stick :(

Todays test

Maybe?

So today is 11Dpo and although the cramping started a few days ago today I was getting some sharp stabbing pains in my boobs, I noticed they were a bit more veiny than usual. Around lunch time I started to feel nauseous and thought hmm tomorrow is 12dpo I might buy some FR when I go to the pharmacy wearhouse to get Tyler's formula.

By 1pm the tests were calling me really loudly and couldn't hold out.

I am positive there is a Line there. It is so so faint though! I have asked two people and they said they could both see it. (perhaps they were just being nice? :) ) Even B said he thought he could see something but of course is very skeptical!

Tomorrow morning I will know for sure. I have never had an evaporation line but it the line looks pink and to me evaporation lines don't have colour! It could be chemical! Never had one of those either. If it gets darker tomorrow then I am pregnant!

Now I just wish it would hurry up! of course my mind is running a million miles an hour. Must slow it down!

Ouch

I don't know if it's a post baby preAF thing or a possibly pregnant/implantation thing but omg ouch! It's a real pinchy pain on the slight left! :( getting stronger and stronger as the day goes on. If it's a post baby new preAF thing I am not a fan! It's making my cringe in pain!

By my guess it's a new preAF thing! Not Fing happy Jan!

Negative

Test was negative but no surprise there I suspected as much. Not sure what this cramping/sharp pain is. AF isn't due till friday so still a little early for AF cramps. Although it's only my 2nd cycle back and one thing I have learnt is having a baby changes everything. Other than my normal 28 day cycle everything else is probably totally different!

I will more than likely test again in a few days but I doubt anything will change!

I have accepted I am not pregnant and moved on. I did get excited at the possibility but I guess the universe has different plans! :)

The hardest day of mummyhood yet

Saturday had to of been the hardest day I have ever faced. Tyler was severely constipated and I have never heard screams of pain like that before and I never want to again!

Every time he tried pushing he just screamed out of sheer pain :( it just broke my heart.

I gave him some warm water and prune juice, coloxal drops, a warm bath, and finally a glycerol suppository. After that all I could do was hold him. I knew there was no point taking him to hospital there wouldn't have been anything else they could have done.

He passed out (fell asleep) from exhaustion and had two big sleeps but finally by 5pm it was all over! He has done 3 poos today and they were much better consistency.

I am not sure what caused it, there had been a few new things added into his diet. His formula is a new one the level 2 one so I am not sure if it's that. I give him his water sippy cup after every solids meal and he has 20-40mls water 2-3 times a day.

I felt like the worse mummy. I should have picked it up sooner before it go so bad! I will now be giving him diluted prune juice in water regularly! I do not ever want to go through that ever again and I know Tyler doesn't either!

On the possibly pregnant thing i am pretty sure i'm not! I will test tomorrow morning I will be either 10 or 11dpo depending if I ovulated on my normal cd 13 or 14. It was cd 13 the cycle I fell pregnant with Tyler. I am pretty sure it's going to be negative. Other than that cramping which I still have and being super teary I have absolutely nothing to indicate I would be pregnant!

Some pics

Its a boy

My sister had her baby this morning at 8:30am. It's a big boy. Nate Richard. 9lb 5oz. I really can't wait to give him some aunty cuddles next week!

She had a c-section luckily hehehe. He had to get forceped out as he was still sitting so high the dr just couldn't reach him. R had gestational diabetes and even though her blood sugar was fine throughout as she had to fast for the surgery Nate's blood sugar levels dropped really low and needed a tube into his tummy so they could bring them back up. He is doing well and so is R. She got really sick as her BP kept dropping really low but she is now just enjoying newborn cuddles.

My nephew :)

7dpo?

I just went back to have a look at the cycle I fell pregnant with Tyler but I didn't note anything down other than not thinking I was pregnant at all but I am 7dpo or there about's and OMG I have had some horrid craps today. High and sharp mainly to the left. Its probably nothing at all but interesting!

I am so trying not to think about it but that isn't working out to well for me!

Realisations

This morning I came to a few realisations that I wish I picked up on years ago. I know it's not good thinking about what ifs but i am anyway. There are a few things in my life that I may has mentioned before not too sure but I didn't realise the impact they had on my little family until this morning.

My family (mum, dad, sister and I) have a family trust, a superannuation fund, and due to the family business were reasonably well off. My parents also won the lotto about 6 years ago so put that all together and they were doing well for themselves. Were is the important word.

Something I learnt very quickly is money may make things easier but it certainly doesn't make u happy. My parent sold their company and retired about 6 years ago and that's when it all went down hill. They are only young dad is now 55 mum is 53 so when u retire that young things didn't go a they planned.

Anyway fast forward to last year and dad left mum and things have become more and more bitter. They helped B and I buy our first house and sadly they liked putting us in the middle of there bitter fight.

The anger between them started years ago I just hadn't seen the affect it had on B and my marriage until this morning.

My mum is also an alcoholic so this of course amplifies things and although it's always been bad it's now gotten a lot worse. My mum sent my sister and I a txt message at 11pm last night. Now me I ignore it all now. I honestly don't want to know about it. When I was in year 12 my dad left mum wasn't the first and wouldn't be the last time. This is when she started drinking and I would come home every night to her suicidal and saying she hated me and everything was my fault if i hadn't been born she would be so much happier, I was a mistake and she should have aborted my like she did my brother or sister after me! Being older those kinds of things don't bother me anymore but they definitely did back then. I managed to pull her out of her suicidal rages but eventually it started to eat at me and I became suicidal.

Right off track. So anyway over the years I have gotten used to the abuse but I forget most others even my sister who was over seas at the time never knew it was even happening.

R (my sister) rang me this morning all stressed about this late night txt message from mum. This made me so angry and hence where the realisations came In. R is booked in for a c-sect tomorrow morning due to medical reasons so either she goes into labour before that or bub comes tomorrow by c-section. WTF is wrong with my mum. She is so angry and bitter that she has lost sight that her daughter is about to give birth. Firstly she doesn't need the stress and 2nd this is supposed to be a happy time for her but mum is too selfish and wants every one around her to be as miserable as she is!

I had to ring mum and tell her to get back in line and let R relax and enjoy this last day and focus on the soon arrival of her bub.

When I was talking to R this morning She was saying how it's affecting her and her partner and they live in a different state. So it made me realise how much it would have affected B having to deal with it all every day and being so involved in it all due to our financial ties.

We had a very hard few years as it was. Loosing 2 babies and then struggling to fall pregnant, but we couldn't just deal with us and our issues as a family.

No wonder it all got to B. He doesn't deal with stress well at the best of times but that's stress over load!

I should have seen it happening. I should have gotten us out earlier so it was just our little family. Perhaps if I had I saved our marriage!

I don't know If I have ever even told B about when I was younger.

Lots of what ifs :( I am sad because the only people loosing out in all of this are the kids. I need to move on from my old family and focus on my new one Tyler deserves the best and he certainly deserves to be in a happy and loving environment.

So excited

Well it's my sisters due date tomorrow!! I can wait for my little Niece or nephew to arrive. I had up on the 29th to visit them. I was going to go the 28th but flights to Darwin are expensive and only twice a day so the 29th was the best deal I could find.

It's so exciting to imagine what sex the baby is going to be, what they are going to look like etc. The anticipation has me bouncing around the room.

Not much happening on my front. Not sure what to think about this whole maybe pregnant thing. I know timing was spot on but the likelihood isn't that great but I have been thinking about the possibility if I am. I need to be on 5mg folate due to my spina bifida occulta, I am on a pregnancy multi anyway ad I bought a bulk pack when I was breast feeding. It is a blackmores one, i was on elevit with Tyler surely they aren't that much different?

I am watching what I eat to an extent but I don't want to invest too much into this if I am not actually pregnant because i am worried it will bring disappointment. Yes B and I are separated but now the thought of having another baby has been dangled in front of me it's hard to switch my mind off.

Anyway that's enough mulling over it. I have a heap of cheap hpt's here so I might start testing on Sunday (10dpo)

Some pics to finish

Oops

So I find myself in a little bit of a predicament! Where to start? Obviously DH and I live apart but he visits Tyler daily. Tyler needs his dad in his life and although I am sad about what happened and it's hard to see him everyday I know I have to do the right thing by Tyler. So he came over on tuesday as per normal and gave Tyler is bath.

After Tyler was in bed we were sitting on the couch talking and watching the biggest loser. Well not really sure how it happened but one thing led to another and we DTD!

Now this doesn't bother me we both needed the company and we are still attracted to each other. I am not sure on the feelings we both just aren't thinking about it we simply need time out from that! This is simply just physical. It happened again last night.

Now here comes the oops i was looking at when i am heading to Darwin after my sisters bub is born. I am looking to head around the 28th. I was looking at my phone calendar for dates when I noticed that the 29th is the day AF is due. First thought bummer i will have AF while I am away!

2nd though omfg! We DTD the 2 days leading up to ovulation. I had EWCM (lots of it) on Tuesday but I didn't even trigger until I actually thought about it. This month was the first one i didn't have baby brain. i hadn't once thought about having another baby or have that want to be pregnant again. I felt like AF only just finished. But i guess the desire to DTD is always stronger around ovulation and perhaps why I gave into the lust feeling! Normally I wouldn't let myself give into that kind of thing.

So this now makes me in the 2ww. Ovulation was either yesterday or today and as my body is clockwork I have no doubt i did. I know there is only a 1/4 chance at falling pregnant every cycle and perhaps less at my age but in my history if there wasn't a problem (blocked tube from miscarriage) I fell pregnant 3 times the first month trying!

How do i feel about this. I am very doubtful I will fall pregnant! Not sure why but if I am I am excited. I am not sure how things will fair with DH and I, perhaps he will get help for his drug issue but having kids to different dads always played on my mind. I know it happens all the time but I wanted Tyler to have a full brother or sister.

I will be taking every day as it comes I will think about it when I get there and am in fact pregnant.

Testing day will be the 27th the day before I fly out to Darwin!

1/2 birthday

Well it was the little man's half birthday on Monday! Time is absolutely flying and I love being a mummy everything about it. He is my world and I couldn't imagine life with out him.

6months

Happy place

So I am settling into this single mummy life. It gets lonely but I have lots of friends to keep me company! I am still having issues with ex DH. He expects to come and see Tyler everyday but isn't willing to take on any parent responsibilities. He hasn't provided any financial support for months yet Tyler needs to eat and have nappies and clothes etc. He whinges every time he is here about having not eaten as he has no money! Umm hello go to work then. He has stopped doing everything in life bar drugs and fishing and footy. Still so shocked that I could be so wrong about a person!!

The little man is so close to taking flight with his crawling. He is so much stronger than a week ago he just has to coordinate moving the arms an legs to go forward at the moment its lift up rock back and forward and flop lol its a method of moving but not too efficient! I think it helps that his little girlfriend who is a day younger than him and who we see regularly started crawling about 3 weeks ago and is already pulling herself up. As Tyler has so much strength in his legs I don't think he will crawl for long. I am happy for him To stay at the crawling stage for a while though crawling Is so cute. It's funny though most babies develop crawling and things from seeing a toy they want to trying to get to it. Tyler has no interest in the toys. He plays with them for sure but he simply just wants to be moving! he seems to tiny to be crawling though he isn't even 6 months.

I am thinking about getting something done with my hair. It's been a year since I had it cut!! Might get some foils or something put through it. Can't decide really. Tyler looks so much like his dad i like that he has my hair and as mine is it's natural colour at the moment u can see he has mummy's hair. It's always a nice lift to have ur hair done though!!

I am back into exercise again which is nice. I do something when Tyler is down for a nap. It's starting to pay off though and I am back in a size 12 and I actually bought some bra and undie sets yesterday $5 at kmart but they are 12B. I like having my boobs back to normal size. I haven't been this bra size since my first pregnancy in sept 09.

Well a few things to do while the little man is napping so I should go do them.

Life is good! I am really happy right now :) some days r hard but I just remember what I have and how lucky I am. :)

Almost

The little man is almost there. From his slight hands and knee push up on Friday he is now right up and rocking back and forth!!! He is 6 months next Monday he is certainly growing up so fast!

We start at play group Australia tomorrow. I am really looking forward to this. It will give Tyler a good chance to start seeing other babies more often and it will give him that extra education and stimulation he needs.

Oh not sure if I mentioned it but Tyler had some yogurt the other day! He absolutely loves it! So now we have veggies or fruit in the morning, yogurt in the afternoon and rice cereal at dinner. He still has 5 bottles a day so I know he isn't have to much solid food. I only give him what he wants. He clams he mouth shut when he has had enough.

I can't upload a video if him rocking so a pic will have to do.

Rough bumpy road

I have been having a few rough days, probably doesn't help being on AF and having a cold.

As i have mentioned, Now that we are all move the loneliness has set in a bit. There a few reasons for this. Mainly its because Tyler is so little most of his playing is at home on a rug. This is a little boring for me although i do love playing with him sometimes u need to do some other stuff. I keep the house clean and tidy so I don't have anything to do there, I don't want to do baking as there is only me to eat it!

I haven't had any motivation at all to do any exercise. Yesterday I sorted out my treadmill and things so today when Tyler goes down for a nap I am going to make myself do something!

My lack of motivation is something else though. I just don't see how any man would want to get involved in any of this? Tyler is young so I can't date. He is my one priority and he will always be more important than any man. Not sure how that would go down!

I have absolutely no one I can trust him with. Ex DH might be stoned so he definitely isn't going there. My mum is an alcoholic that has gotten worse and worse lately to the point where she lit up a cigarette while she was holding Tyler. Big no no. I would never say she has to stop smoking she is an adult but Tyler didn't ask to smoke so she should not be smoking around him. She just isn't thinking straight at all and I don't think he would be her top priority if she was looking after him. So that leaves no one. I have friends but they all have kids so I wouldn't leave him with them. Besides when I see them it's good mummy chat time.

This is a rambling mess. I am sure these feelings will pass. Being a single mum is hard and definitely lonely and u hope one day u might meet a lovely man but with the reality the way it is u find it hard to think how it could possibly happen!

We're up!!!

The little man is up on his hands and knees @ 5months 3 weeks!!! He started yesterday out of absolutely no where! I was gob smacked! So I don't think it will be long before he works out what to do next and is on the move. He has going back ward all worked out lol.

Not much else happening move is all done. Gets a bit lonely. After being in a relationship for so long and thinking it would never end, being alone is hard to get used to. But in time I will.

Today is CD2. AF showed up yesterday exactly 28days after stopping breast feeding. It's good to know my body bounced back and is working as it should straight away. It will be a very long time before another baby is an option! Lol have to meet someone first.

Some pics