Realisations

This morning I came to a few realisations that I wish I picked up on years ago. I know it's not good thinking about what ifs but i am anyway. There are a few things in my life that I may has mentioned before not too sure but I didn't realise the impact they had on my little family until this morning.

My family (mum, dad, sister and I) have a family trust, a superannuation fund, and due to the family business were reasonably well off. My parents also won the lotto about 6 years ago so put that all together and they were doing well for themselves. Were is the important word.

Something I learnt very quickly is money may make things easier but it certainly doesn't make u happy. My parent sold their company and retired about 6 years ago and that's when it all went down hill. They are only young dad is now 55 mum is 53 so when u retire that young things didn't go a they planned.

Anyway fast forward to last year and dad left mum and things have become more and more bitter. They helped B and I buy our first house and sadly they liked putting us in the middle of there bitter fight.

The anger between them started years ago I just hadn't seen the affect it had on B and my marriage until this morning.

My mum is also an alcoholic so this of course amplifies things and although it's always been bad it's now gotten a lot worse. My mum sent my sister and I a txt message at 11pm last night. Now me I ignore it all now. I honestly don't want to know about it. When I was in year 12 my dad left mum wasn't the first and wouldn't be the last time. This is when she started drinking and I would come home every night to her suicidal and saying she hated me and everything was my fault if i hadn't been born she would be so much happier, I was a mistake and she should have aborted my like she did my brother or sister after me! Being older those kinds of things don't bother me anymore but they definitely did back then. I managed to pull her out of her suicidal rages but eventually it started to eat at me and I became suicidal.

Right off track. So anyway over the years I have gotten used to the abuse but I forget most others even my sister who was over seas at the time never knew it was even happening.

R (my sister) rang me this morning all stressed about this late night txt message from mum. This made me so angry and hence where the realisations came In. R is booked in for a c-sect tomorrow morning due to medical reasons so either she goes into labour before that or bub comes tomorrow by c-section. WTF is wrong with my mum. She is so angry and bitter that she has lost sight that her daughter is about to give birth. Firstly she doesn't need the stress and 2nd this is supposed to be a happy time for her but mum is too selfish and wants every one around her to be as miserable as she is!

I had to ring mum and tell her to get back in line and let R relax and enjoy this last day and focus on the soon arrival of her bub.

When I was talking to R this morning She was saying how it's affecting her and her partner and they live in a different state. So it made me realise how much it would have affected B having to deal with it all every day and being so involved in it all due to our financial ties.

We had a very hard few years as it was. Loosing 2 babies and then struggling to fall pregnant, but we couldn't just deal with us and our issues as a family.

No wonder it all got to B. He doesn't deal with stress well at the best of times but that's stress over load!

I should have seen it happening. I should have gotten us out earlier so it was just our little family. Perhaps if I had I saved our marriage!

I don't know If I have ever even told B about when I was younger.

Lots of what ifs :( I am sad because the only people loosing out in all of this are the kids. I need to move on from my old family and focus on my new one Tyler deserves the best and he certainly deserves to be in a happy and loving environment.