warning, not a good post!

I am having one of those days again :( really really struggling today! Time seems to be traveling along but at the same time I feel like I am literally standing still.

I feel like I will never be pregnant again and even if I am I feel a hopeless feeling that it wont work. Most of it comes from my crap cycle. I still haven't gotten a positive opk and even though it would be nice to believe I have ovulated I have to say I VERY much doubt it. I really like to know what is going on with me, so I temp in the morning and around ovulation I will test at night too. most of the time its fairly obvious what is going on. before ovulation my temp will stay below 36.38. After ovulation it normally doesn't drop below 36.48 at all. Last night I got a 36.61 which is a typical post ovuation temp for me so I thought oooOOoo maybe! lol body was playing a nice little joke! temp still 36.38 this morning and it was 36.25 tonight. so I am thinking a low temp in the morning, perhaps something like 36.10? but who knows. This 2nd cycle after the miscarriage seems to cause me so many problems.

Sucks because I am now worried that it is going to push me back another cycle for TTC! which is just 100% depressing! Seriously I want to stand on the top of a building and shout "WHAT THE F**K did I do to deserve this??"

I know that isn't going to achieve anything but I can't help it! Hubby and I have been fighting A LOT lately! We have just been keeping distance from each other! we can't BD because the latex is causing a bad reaction for me :( We are also so stressed. We both hate our jobs. They are dead ends going no where. But we have no idea how to change. We have responsibilities and commitments we can't just simply change jobs or take a pay cut. Working so far away from home makes it hard too. Means we don't ever really get any quality time together other than in the car on the way too and from work! Stress from everywhere is so hard!

i know I can't make 5 weeks go any faster, but I really wish I could. If I could sleep for the next 5 weeks that would be GREAT! sleep makes things go so much faster! I hate wishing life away, but when there is only one thing in life you really want so much, its hard to think about anything else!

I am going through those thoughts again the past few days, why was my baby taken from me, why couldn't I be one of the lucky ones to get to keep my first baby, why does my patience need to be tested, why did I have to loose my 2nd baby too etc etc.

When ever I am on my own at the moment I just cry! its just not me.

This is the song for me at the moment, of course I don't wish that I was dead in any way what so ever. but the other words for sure!

Word spins madly on - the weepies

Woke up and wished that I was dead

with an aching in my head

lay motionless in bed

I thought of you

and where you'ed and gone

but the world spins madly on

and everything that i said I'd do

like make the world brand new

and take the time for you

i just got lost

and slip right through the dark

and the world spins madly on

I let the day go by

I always say always say goodbye

i watch the stars from my window sil

the whole world is moving and i am standing still

Woke up and wished that i was dead

with an aching in my head

lay motionless in bed

The night is here and the day is gone

The world spins madly on

I thought of you

and where you and gone

but the world spins madly on

but the world spins madly on!

I just want to feel better, happier, like things are possible, that there is hope, that pregnancy is a good thing, a thing to be happy about! Why is there a thing like miscarriage. I know my little girl wasn't right and my body did the right thing. Doesn't make it any easier. Especially when her would be birth is getting closer and closer!

Count down

So the count down continues....4w6d now! at least the long weekend will make things go faster, it will be 3w6d before I know it! I am sure those last two weeks will go SO SLOW! lol!

On the plus side, I have been taking EPO since the weekend and OMG go the EW CM today! Sorry TMI! but wow I am so surprised. I mean my CM must be fine, we have gotten pg very easily both times. Yes I am very lucky there, but unfortunately getting pg isn't my problem, its keeping them! But anyway I thought hey i will give it a shot, what harm can it do. And BAM! now I know what EW CM is like! On the plus side the light brown CM seems to be going, only teeny tiny bit today!

So I suspect another temp drop tomorrow morning then a jump on Saturday morning. Still no positive opk yet, if i don't get that today who knows. hmmm! "insert pondering looking smilie!" lol I so need to work out how to get them into my blogs!

I have to hold myself back though, I want to be pg again so bad, but I know I have to wait. not this cycle, but next cycle is going to be SO HARD! I ovulate a few days before the 3 month cut off. :( I may email the Dr and see what he says if I have two nice cycles. It would be nice to try again a bit earlier but if we can't doesn't matter. Still no harm in asking right? lol I think its going to be the time I have been back on the folate and that will only be about 2 months by then so probably not long enough :(

It would be so nice to be pg again before my first bubba was due :)

5 weeks to go!

So YAY for the 5 weeks to go, back to that feeling of its so far away again! I just want to be pregnant again so bad, and this time I really want it to work!

Started to get OV pain today and my CM is watery so Ovulation can't be too far away. OPKs also started showing something yesterday so LH must be on the rise!

Something that is REALLY starting to get to me is this discharge! sorry for the TMI! but its like light brown all the time. its not like spotting cause there is no red in it at all, just light brown. Which is ANNOYING! I want everything to be OK and normal! I know I have one more cycle to make sure everything is back to normal and the next AF may set everything back to where it should be. Still its annoying. Wait did I say how ANNOYING it was! GRRRR!

One the plus side once this ovulation is over only 1 more to go then back to TTC!

crap cycle

YUK! that is all I can say! My cycle looks horrible this time :( the temps seem to be jumping all over the place. Whats with that! I am due to ovulate at the end of the week so hopefully my temps stabilise a bit! Stupid body!

A new begining

Well it should be the end of the negative posts from me :) hopefully lol! Along with my TTC journey for a while now I have been on a journey to find me. So I finally bit the bullet and started a blog for that. It will help get these thoughts out of my head and hopefully sort them out. :) There is a link on the right if your interested in following. But be warned there is lots of just generally ramblings from me about my life. I owe it to me, my hubby and my kids to finally complete this very long journey. Well not sure if it is ever a journey we complete but I want to be the best wife and mum I can be and this is part of it.

On the TTC front, I have been doing A LOT of thinking over the past 24hours and I have to say 5 weeks is nothing. :) It will be here before I know it. There aren't enough hours in the day to get done what I need to and the last 8 weeks absolutely flew so 5 weeks wont take long at all.

My heart and head feels so much better today. I feel so positive about the future. ALL OF IT! :)

not much to say

well i don't have much to say today. Its going to be a tough day :( I'm not going to put it all down today because I am tired of all the negativity. I think I need to step back for a bit.

All this thinking about babies just makes me realise how far away we still are :( I would have been 32weeks today :(

going to go make myself VERY VERY busy this weekend. I will try to find some positivity for the next post!

from positive to negative can happen so quickly

So I have been feeling good about all this for I guess about a week or two now since I ovulated. But today was another down day! Probably A LOT to do with being SO tired. Its one of those days where 9 weeks until we can possibly conceive again feels SO VERY VERY VERY far away.

All I saw was pg women everywhere today as well so that didn't help :( Today I got to thinking and I got even more annoyed because when I think back I didn't even need the methotrexate injection :( so even though I was happy to wait it wouldn't be SO long. This would be the last cycle before we started trying again (if everything is normal). Now I have to wait another 6 weeks on top of that. Its also REALLY crap timing because I ovulate 4or5 days before the 3month mark for the injection so that makes it another whole cycle too. I just want to be pregnant again so bad.

I keep looking at my tickers and imagining them at 2 or 1 week and I just can't wait to be there. :( this slump will pass but getting it out always helps!

Weirdest Dream

OMG I had the weirdest dream last night. It was so full on and crazy.

So I was very heavily pregnant and bubby had dropped ready for the birth. I hadn't felt the waters broken or anything but I was in labour and running around the hospital looking for someone to help me. I was going to every room and looking in and in each room there were other women giving birth, so i just kept going. All the nurses and doctors would just look at me and tell me I was fine. Then this lady appeared out of no where and she checked my cervix and it was fully dilated, and I was about to give birth. She checked the babies heart beat and it was starting to labour so she was like you have to deliver this baby NOW! then she disappeared again. So I started running and getting really panicked that I couldn't find anyone. I eventually found a spare bed in a dark room and just ended up delivering her on her own.

After that we were at home with bubs and Hubby and I were deciding if we should start TTC again STRAIGHT away or give it a few months because you wouldn't want your kids to be in the same year if one is at the start of the year the other at the end. anyway then my alarm went off to temp and after that I couldn't get back to sleep because I kept thinking about how long to wait before TTC again. But I realised that if we conceive in June bubby is due in March so TTC again straight away wont matter because they would be born in different years anyway. They also say breast feeding is a natural contraception anyway and I plan on breast feeding so it may have something to do with things anyway.

So its down to 6w1d until TTC again and we are back in that tough part of the month. AF is nearly over and ovulation follows and my hormones go into baby making over drive. and its so frustrating that we have to wait. I do want to wait because I know June bubby will be strong and sticky,but that doesn't make the wait any easier. I just can't wait to be pregnant again. To have the sore boobs, the m/s, the tiredness. All of those things that will tell me bubba is going strong.

Sorry have to add this but OMG I hate my job! I really really do. But I am stuck here and that is a horrible feeling! Most days I can just let the S**T wash over me. Today when I am tired and AFy I am JUST OVER IT! I want to go home and back to bed and forget about all the politics and Bull!

CD3

What a weekend, I didn't stop once :( I am sure I come back to work to get a break! At least I only have the final coat to go on 3 doors to go, then 5 more. Probably start the laundry on Friday though seeing as its a long weekend this weekend and I will be able to start and finish it :) YAY!

So its CD3 and things are going along as they should. I know that sounds boring but its a weird feeling for me. Normal! I keep expecting AF to just suddenly stop. Or that she wasn't here at all. but my temp dropped nice and low this morning so I know its definitely her and we are definitely on track!

Still feels like ages away, but I just keep telling myself that we shouldn't have any problem falling pg so on June21-24 which is when ovulation is predicted we should be making a baby and I should get my bfp around the 8th July. Now I am just starting to worry about loosing it. I know if my cycle is fine I shouldn't miscarry because my hormones are back to normal. Its getting that heart beat, and it being healthy that worries me. I know it seems like something very rare but when you don't expect it in your first pregnancy, its a big shock. You end up loosing all innocence of pregnancy. The joy of being on cloud 9 about it all. and that is very saddening!

But in saying that I feel it will be our turn then and this bubba will be strong healthy and sticky. I just wish time would hurry up! I never was very patient! Bring on June!

Weekend!

YAY for the weekend! and even better for the massive temp drop below cover line this morning! AF is on her way for sure, which is great because I am 13dpo and my cycle just looks wonderful!

I also got a wonderful little beautiful kitten the other night. "Pepper" she is so tiny and fluffy and has the biggest blue eyes. She is still making friendly with the other furry bubbies (dogs) but they will get there. she is just so tiny compared to them. She is definitely helping keep the cluckiness at bay a little!

Off for my final bloods this morning! YAY they better come back negative. With ovulating and AF being just around the corner I feel pretty confident they are! :)

will post some pictures later of Pepper, Sasha and Rouge!

AF Arrived!! YAY only 2 cycles to go!!

Struggle street

Its only midday and I am really wishing it was 3pm!

Really struggling today, REALLY REALLY bad headache. I feel like I slept OK but for some reason its just a shocker! Its making me feel really sick. Nauseous type sick and I hate when a headache does that. Wanted to throw up breakfast, and then I tried a wasabi pea before, I thought they were nice but now OMG its not sitting nice. Probably doesn't help that I have been in the office all day instead of the lab. sitting at a desk all day so isn't good for me!

At this point if we had been trying I might think something else was causing it lol! no such luck I am afraid, just a monster headache.

its nice to see 6w6d to go on the ticker for baby making again, I just keep imagining 5, then 4 then 3 then 2 then 1 YAY!! hehe! and I honestly don't think we could possibly missing the eggy, as I am having a reaction to the condoms at the moment so BDing is few and far between, so once they are gone, watch out me! lol I don't think every 2nd day will be an option for me but that is perfectly fine with me!

7 weeks to go :) YAY

So we are down to 7 weeks until Methotrexate out of my system and the contraception can stop. Although I will have only just ovulated and wont again for another 3 weeks after that, I can at least be on the TTC wagon again :)

Temp went back up this morning, so looks like it may be a normal cycle YAY!!!! CM has dried up so AF should definitely be on her way. Its normally 2-3days of no CM at all before she shows up!

Nothing much else to report. Going to Pizza for lunch for the boss's birthday! Oh on an upside I finally had a talk to my manager about cutting back to normal hours instead of doing the min 9 sometimes 10hour days. She said that is fine, and I shouldn't feel guilty for leaving on time! YAY! I am going to start leaving at that time, it will mean I have so much more time in the afternoon to get things done at home. Again last night didn't have time to get onto the doors. By time I finished my run, finished cooking dinner it was 8pm :( So now its a 7-3 day instead of 7-4/5. I am SO EXCITED about that. Since I have been here I have done nearly 200hours overtime which I don't get paid for. Its supposed to be flexy time but I will never be able to take that much time off. Maybe when I'm pregnant I can take a few early days. All my medical appointments for the pregnancy are covered under my pregnancy type leave so thats good.

Enough blabbering for one day! Off to lunch! YUM!

Slump

So I just got back from a run and I am completely stuffed. Unfortunately no matter how hard I pushed I couldn't shake this slump I am in :( I just kept thinking about the belly I would have and that my angel would have been here in 10 weeks :( Every time I thought that I pushed myself harder like it was one step closer to TTC again, but its not :( still so very very far to go. On the plus side I nearly ran the whole 6km! lol

I just wish we could be trying again soon. 9 weeks and 2 days till possible ovulation seems like a life time away. Then thinking about actually being pregnant again and it makes me scared. I don't know if I can cope with the loss of another one. The feeling I get at the thought of going to an ultrasound and not hearing a heart beat. I just feel that feeling of devastation flood over me :( To actually go through it would just be too much.

Stupid AF just wish she would hurry up and come and go, she probably has a lot to do with my mood right now! Hubby can always pick within a day if I am due for AF, perhaps I should ask him if he thinks I am due!

Oh well off to sand some doors and make dinner. The sooner I get them done the sooner I can start on the nursery!

Energy

So I have so much energy, drive and excitement to start doing so much. I have so many thing in my mind an I really just want to get cracking on them all. Thing is I have one slight problem! WORK!

It is such an inconvenience! All up including travel we spend 13hours a day away from home. By the time I get home and cook dinner, go for a quick run, I am too exhausted to do anything else!

I sit here and I just want to get home and do something productive! paint doors, start clearing out the laundry so I can paint that. Emptying out the study and starting my relaxation room. Painting the ceiling in the hallway because its peeling. The spare room. Once all that is done I can start the nursery! YAY! It I can get stuck into it it wont take long. But there is only so much time on the weekend, and before you know it its Monday again :(

Thing is I don't get paid enough to do 9-10hour days. My contract is for 7.6hours a day and I don't get paid for the overtime. But I need this job and I am worried that if I cut back to my allocated hours I will loose my job. We are in a rocky area, our funding runs out in June2011 and the uni is putting in a bit to take us over. If that happens I may not keep my job, so I need to put in the work. Even then I am not guaranteed they will take me on, and if I am not pregnant at the time I have no legs to stand on in regards to maternity leave entitlements. :( Ah so much stress. One thing I do know is once I am pregnant I am cutting back to the allocated hours. I don't care what they say. I will NOT be putting the extra stress on my body. My baby is too important!

Even thinking about it gives me a headache and makes me tired.

Oh well back to work! JOY!

hmm down day

So today it ended up being a down, I am thinking its probably because I am really tired and I think I am getting sick :( Oh that and AF is probably just around the corner.

But I was having the bad thinking again of "why isn't it me", "its all so far away", "what did I do wrong to deserve this", etc etc. Round and round I went. I don't even have the excitement of the 2weeks to ovulation then the TWW :( just nothing but waiting!

Would probably have a lot to do with my friend that was a week a head of me was telling me about how it felt when you feel bubba moving inside you. she is 31weeks now so she is getting all prepared for the birth :( I'm not even pregnant.

enough dwelling I am going to watch TV.

Short LP?

wow what a weekend. Busy busy! So crap its Monday again already!

So I started getting brown CM this morning and I feel like AF is on her way. Makes for a really short LP but we will see I guess. Still two more cycles to go to get back on track completely so I am not too concerned!

So I was thinking that I will be testing the 1st week in July. I really really hope that I am the last person in our group to get a bfp! 10/10 in July would be so nice. Some of the girls will have passed the 12week mark by then! YAY! How exciting!

Interesting Day

Had an interesting day today. I went and saw another psychic. I had agreed ages ago to go with one of my friends but it just took months to get in and see them. Unfortunately I felt no connection to this lady and she was so way off base. She started off by saying I was going to meet someone soon and it might be marriage. I was like umm already married. She didn't really say anything unless I asked a question, So I asked if she sees me pregnant soon, she was like I do, I feel your having problems with your right ovary/tube thats why you are having trouble falling pregnant. I was like no its not the having trouble falling pregnant thing I have a problem with. She said my cycle is all over the place and always has been, I was like no its normally completely normal, 28day cycle 5 day AF.

Then she was saying that I am bored in my relationsip and that Hubby isn't really intersted in stuff in the bedroom and normally when we go to bed we just go straight to sleep. LOL unfortunately for her and lucky for us we are still a very active couple BDing most nights if not every other day.

What else - umm she did say she sees 4 kids which is good. and I will fall pg with the first in about 4 months. There will be no break and then pregnant with the 2nd. We will break for a bit then the next two will be close together again. She said my first would be a girl. The other lady said boy so we will see I guess.

One thing she did get right was that my boss isn't very understanding of my circumstance with pregnancy and wont support me through it. But that I need to stick it out. She said I get preeclampsia? that will be interesting! Don't really see me getting high blood pressure but I will keep an eye out for it!

But anyway I just didn't feel she connected with me. OH well can't have them all!

Nothing much else to report :) Temp still up. Definite neg on my hpt this morning so that was good too. Means the next blood test should be the last. Leaving it till Sat though so I don't have to be late into work!

Can't believe its monday again tomorrow

:) A new day

Another good day today. Nothing much happening besides house work. I found some inner strength today to actually look at the u/s of our little princess. :( I have put some photos up on the left. We have named her Pearl because that was her birth stone. She will always be in our hearts :)

It feels nice to have the strength to look at it and not cry. As much as it saddens me its good to be able to acknowledge her.

mummy and daddy will never forget her.

On other notes Temp stayed up so YAY, my chart looks nice this month which is fantastic. Lets hope the LP stays the right length and the next 2 cycles follow suit!

Bit weird after BDing last night had some spotting. Last time that happened i was UTD! but I know i can't be this time unless Hubby is putting holes in the condoms lol which i highly doubt!

Went for another run yesterday. My body was aching but i ran about 5km out of the 6 so I was happy with that. Granted a little slower due to the pain but done non the less!

Hoary for the weekend! off to clean the house!

YAY GREAT DAY TODAY!

Happy day today. My temp went up to 36.64 so that means I definitely have ovulated.

I am so relieved about that! my body is still working and we can move forward! Only have to ovulate 2 more times and the next one is it! I am still really positive that we will have no problem falling pg. So I am thinking really really positive that I will have a nice baby bump by my 28th Birthday in Nov!

lol I am actually really excited about it all today! but so sad really who would have thought a small thing like a temp increase of .13 degrees would create so much excitement and happiness! haha the baby making brain is so strange!

I also think it had a lot to do with the unknown. Now I have a definite date to look forward to. I can set my mind on that and go for it! After a m/c everything is so up in the air, all you want to do is try again, but u have no idea when your first AF will arrive, no idea when you will ovulate. Until you know those things you have no idea when you can start trying again and it makes moving on so much harder!

Now I am so happy and excited again! YAY!

Oh and the training is going well! My body is very sore but it feels good :) I am still sticking to my plan and training even though I have a strong feeling I will be pg again soon!

Hope?

So not much to post today. My temp went up to 36.51 this morning. Not much but still going up so we will see. If I did ovulate and my cycles are regular I will have AF for our wedding anniversary in June and Baby making time will come around the 24th. That makes for a March baby! 10w6d till then! Its not much but OMG it feels like FOREVER!

Its crap because I ovulate 6 days before the 3months for the methetrexate. suppose it was meant to happen that way. Now I will have 3 complete cycles to get back to normal and when I get to then whats another 4 weeks! hopefully that means all my hormones have time to balance out and I wont loose the next one!

On a very positive note - another BH friend got her BFP! YAY *Very happy dance* I am hoping this is helping to send the rest of us that pregnancy vibe! Apparently there is that thing if you live in a house full of girls you all eventually start ovulating and getting AF around the same time. No idea if it is true but if it were it would be GREAT for that to happen in pregnancy too! Only 5 to go! Then we will turn into a mums group, how nice would that be! :)

New Focus

So this TTC thing just isn't going anywhere and it isn't something I can control. So I have decided to shift my focus. The renovations are still there but I don't have anything to focus on or control there. So I have decided to go back to training for a triathlon. I will aim for the think pink one again in November. Its only a short one but its a good start. If I fall pg before then that is GREAT but if not then I will have something to aim for and achieve!

Went for a run today, ran about 4km out of the 6 lol and nearly died. VERY long way to go but its only April so by November I should be fine. Its something I can control and something I can REALLY focus on.

I haven't been this size for 10years. That and the stress and struggle TTC things are just getting too much. Exercise and working out was my thing. I have a cert III in fitness and I was on target for the Noosa Tri last year but falling pg and then not being able to exercise properly in 6 months takes its toll. It would have been worth it if bubba was coming but its not :( I just put on weight looking at food, let alone going from working out 6 times a week to none added into that.

GAME ON!

not 3dpo

So Dr rang, hcg still not negative. so Angry! would use more colourful words but I better not.

So they are at 63, so who knows how long it will take to drop that! That means I haven't ovulated yet. they have to reach 0 first!

I am so over this crap! So now I feel like I am all the way back at the start. Angry, frustrated and depressed! Spoke to the Dr about this misfiring of ovulation and he wants me to monitor for 3 cycles, and "See how we go" so if it keeps happening, there goes June, perhaps July! At this rate I will be lucky to be pregnant by my 28th Birthday! Its just bullshit! Why does it keep happening to me. What the hell did I do so wrong!

So don't want to be at work now! Honestly don't see the point! Just too angry at everything!

3DPO?

So my temp went back up a little again this morning so FF put in my cross lines, but I am still hesitant on if I actually ovulated. I have put in a picture to the right, where I did some manipulation to my chart in January to move my ovulation to CD14 where it originally thought it was so that it lines up with the suspected ovulation for this month. The pattern looks the same. So if my temp jumps to 36.60 in the next few days I would say I ovulated then.

I just don't think my temps are high enough for post ovulation. They are normally around 36.60 and they are only at 36.48. Just worries me about the misfire of ovulation. Its what cause the miscarriage in February as it made my LP too short.

A few more days though and I should know. Still haven't heard from the Dr in regards to my blood results. Hopefully today!

Looking forward

So I had hopefully my final bloods taken this morning. I am really hoping they are negative, I really just want to move on.

I have been doing hpt and the tests look negative from Wed last week. I have also been charting and I have had two positive OPKs this week and my temp jumped up yesterday morning. I think it was a misfire though. Its exactly the same pattern I had back in January, same temps and all. So I will hopefully ovulate in the next few days.

It would just be nice to be able to put a future date on it all! Have something to look forward to and hope for!

Its been a very tough 6 months, and I would like my sanity back now!

Background

OK, so I will start to tell the very LONG story, may have to cut it into pieces but it needs to be said other wise my diary makes no sense!

Back in October last year, hubby and I weren't trying for a baby but were weren't not trying either. Just no protection. I had been off the pill for around 3 months and we were just taking it as it comes.

Well about the 8th I got the feeling I was pg. I went to the Dr, not to confirm that I was but for a general check up. She did all the normal, and we found out I wasn't immune to Chicken pox. The Dr had done a blood test, it had come back negative so she gave me the vaccine. All good. Or so I thought, a week later feeling even more pregnant I did another hpt, yep positive.

So then came the worry! the chicken pox vaccine can cause birth defects. But nothing I could do about it so we continued on. I had no idea when my last LMP was so the Dr sent me for an early u/s. That was on the 12th of November and it was one of the hardest days of my life! I was supposed to be 7w3d I measured 6w3d with no heart beat. Baby had died inutero! I was guttered and so was hubby! We were heading away that weekend for my 27th birthday, as expected I don't really remember anything at all.

the following week, nothing had happened so I went to see an OBGYN, she did a confirmation scan, to ensure the pregnancy wasn't viable, and then I was booked in for a D&C on the 19th.

I had the D&C, everything went well, wasn't a very nice thing to go through as I was so scared of being out cold and someone down there. But I had no choice and I came out the other side fine.

40days went by and I got my first AF! We were going to wait another cycle but we thought if it happens it happens so we just weren't careful! I was excited and hopeful. I had been charting and FF pin pointed CD14 for ovulation. GREAT! then it changed it to CD18, uh OH that makes for a short LP! then AF arrived early on CD26. GREAT! All was good we could try again the next cycle.

lol but in true form for me......I started having some spotting after AF! NOT GREAT! I was so annoyed, all I could think of was! my cycle is stuffed I have even longer to wait! After thinking about it for a while, I decided to do a hpt! lol it was positive! OH GREAT!!!! I am A- and hubby is B+ so I needed to get an antiD injection. So I went to the Dr, he wasn't sure about it all because I had AF, he just didn't think I was pg! So off to the hospital! They didn't believe me either so they sent some bloods off! 5 hours later they confirmed the pregnancy and gave me the AntiD.

So anyway they started monitoring the hcg every 2 days and it continued to go up. Sadly a week later the HEAVY miscarriage bleeding start! We thought it was over....of course not!

So we noticed the hcg dropped, all good. I decided to monitor thing with hpt at home and a few days later I noticed it got A LOT darker! So back to the Dr, and the tests showed the levels had gone back up.

Problem was hubby and I hadn't been careful, so it could have been a new pregnancy or something more sinister like an ectopic. So I went for u/s after u/s, blood test after blood test! Eventually the Dr became concerned. nothing in the uterus hcg still rising. So he did laparoscopic surgery to ensure there was no sign of ectopic.

All good. Massive relief! So we monitored it again for 2 weeks when the blood tests showed it wasn't viable. The hcg just wasn't doubling.

So we opted for the methetrexate as a D&C couldn't guarantee to end it and I just wanted it over!

So the day before the injection I went for a run! I needed to clear my head and after 2 months of spotting and being scared I was pg and anything would trigger a m/c, I had had enough. So I went for a really long intense run. It felt so good. That night at about 8pm the bleeding started. It was SO heavy and didn't stop. The clots were massive! I spent about 5 hours on the toilet because the bleeding was just too heavy. At about 1am I lost the last clot and fell into bed.

I had to be up at 4am so that I could get to work early so I could leave early to head to the OB for the injection. Needless to say I was exhausted.

Hubby and I had been fighting so much from the stress of it all and things were just getting worse.

So I had the injection and the levels have been continually monitored. and they have been dropping well. That takes us up to today!

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