warning, not a good post!

I am having one of those days again :( really really struggling today! Time seems to be traveling along but at the same time I feel like I am literally standing still.

I feel like I will never be pregnant again and even if I am I feel a hopeless feeling that it wont work. Most of it comes from my crap cycle. I still haven't gotten a positive opk and even though it would be nice to believe I have ovulated I have to say I VERY much doubt it. I really like to know what is going on with me, so I temp in the morning and around ovulation I will test at night too. most of the time its fairly obvious what is going on. before ovulation my temp will stay below 36.38. After ovulation it normally doesn't drop below 36.48 at all. Last night I got a 36.61 which is a typical post ovuation temp for me so I thought oooOOoo maybe! lol body was playing a nice little joke! temp still 36.38 this morning and it was 36.25 tonight. so I am thinking a low temp in the morning, perhaps something like 36.10? but who knows. This 2nd cycle after the miscarriage seems to cause me so many problems.

Sucks because I am now worried that it is going to push me back another cycle for TTC! which is just 100% depressing! Seriously I want to stand on the top of a building and shout "WHAT THE F**K did I do to deserve this??"

I know that isn't going to achieve anything but I can't help it! Hubby and I have been fighting A LOT lately! We have just been keeping distance from each other! we can't BD because the latex is causing a bad reaction for me :( We are also so stressed. We both hate our jobs. They are dead ends going no where. But we have no idea how to change. We have responsibilities and commitments we can't just simply change jobs or take a pay cut. Working so far away from home makes it hard too. Means we don't ever really get any quality time together other than in the car on the way too and from work! Stress from everywhere is so hard!

i know I can't make 5 weeks go any faster, but I really wish I could. If I could sleep for the next 5 weeks that would be GREAT! sleep makes things go so much faster! I hate wishing life away, but when there is only one thing in life you really want so much, its hard to think about anything else!

I am going through those thoughts again the past few days, why was my baby taken from me, why couldn't I be one of the lucky ones to get to keep my first baby, why does my patience need to be tested, why did I have to loose my 2nd baby too etc etc.

When ever I am on my own at the moment I just cry! its just not me.

This is the song for me at the moment, of course I don't wish that I was dead in any way what so ever. but the other words for sure!

Word spins madly on - the weepies

Woke up and wished that I was dead

with an aching in my head

lay motionless in bed

I thought of you

and where you'ed and gone

but the world spins madly on

and everything that i said I'd do

like make the world brand new

and take the time for you

i just got lost

and slip right through the dark

and the world spins madly on

I let the day go by

I always say always say goodbye

i watch the stars from my window sil

the whole world is moving and i am standing still

Woke up and wished that i was dead

with an aching in my head

lay motionless in bed

The night is here and the day is gone

The world spins madly on

I thought of you

and where you and gone

but the world spins madly on

but the world spins madly on!

I just want to feel better, happier, like things are possible, that there is hope, that pregnancy is a good thing, a thing to be happy about! Why is there a thing like miscarriage. I know my little girl wasn't right and my body did the right thing. Doesn't make it any easier. Especially when her would be birth is getting closer and closer!