CD9

So its been a few days, I am plodding along nicely. Definitely in a different state of mind now. Passing that milestone really helped me completely move on. I feel like I am back at the start now. I have no urgency feeling to TTC, I feel like I have my life back in the blink of an eye. All without doing anything.

Snap and my world changed. It is good though to have this sense of complete calm. I know I will have a baby. I don't know when but I only get one shot at this life so I might as well live it and when bubby does come we will be so happy. This is definitely my last month TTC. Next month it will be nothing, no temping, no charting, no drugs. And I actually feel really peaceful because of that.

I am still preparing the nursery by painting the furniture and the walls etc and slowly buying baby stuff. We will need it eventually.

I have been catching up with heaps of my friends that I haven't seen in ages because I have been so caught up in the world of TTC and they simply don't understand it. But its been nice catching up with them all and realising there is a world full of excitement out there.

Went for a run yesterday. So looking forward to finding some fitness again. I ran well but it was a fast run, walk, fast run walk lol! Very unfit, but you have to start somewhere. Our gym as been cleared out after months of being a storage room so I am looking forward to getting back in there! Need to re strengthen my core. With my spina bifida occulta my lower back can cause me a lot of grief and I need strong core muscles. Something I have really let go recently.

Finally I just wanted to say a great big heart felt thank you to all those that sent me hugs and thoughts and kind worlds over the last week or so. I did go through a tough week and the support from you all was unwavering and so very greatly appreciated. I don't know what I would have done without you all. You girls are my rock! All of you :) and from the bottom of my heart I thank you!

GJ you are in my thoughts every minute of my day. I really hope you and bub will be OK. I have been sending you telepathic stickiness in hope that it helps bubby stick it out for either full term or at least till he/she can come out safely. I honestly don't understand why this horrible shit has to keep happening. Its good to see your trying to stay positive it must be so hard for you and your an amazing woman to keep strong. Big hugs beautiful.

Summa :( :( :( :( again more horribleness! Just want to give u a really really big hug. So sorry that again this wasn't your month! It truly just isn't fair! Boo to the universe!

GS!!!! YAY!!! WOOHOO!! your body is working...your body is working......I really hope that 100mg clomid slapped your body into action and it fully follows through now! All you need to do is go get jiggy with it :P

Nani! I agree bloods don't lie and YAY! Shows how much temps really can be wrong. And your progesterone is awesome! Bring on that nice temp dip in a few days and the wonderful two lines! :)

My temps are nice and steady and have dropped early, may mean i ovulate a day or two earlier but we will see. still at least a week off anyway! But its all good anyway, my new, happy, fun frame of mind has us both overly randy for each other lol! so I think we will be fine in that department! Its like we are two high school kids again. We were doing chores yesterday and seeing him working away in his welding helmet set me off!! lol its like i was on heat! hahahaha funny stuff

Well back to work! hoping for a promotion and pay rise! wouldn't it be nice!

Happy Birth-Day

To my beautiful gorgeous little girl,

Happy birth day! Daddy and I would have loved you to have joined us today but we understand you couldn't stay but you will always hold a special spot in our hearts and we will never forget you.

Daddy and I are ready to welcome another little one into our lives now and if its you ready to come back to us we would be so delighted. If its a little brother or sister, please watch over them and protect them.

Love you always and forever mummy and daddy.

I am OK about it all today. More at ease than I was. Today it just feels like I am simply remembering her and etching this day into my memory forever. I feel like it has given me a sense of calm.

26/06/2010

Tough times

So I think I really really underestimated this week and how hard it truly was going to be. I guess riding on that I was going to be pregnant by now probably meant that I hadn't dealt with it enough but I can't change that now and I am just glad my DH is so understanding and forgiving.

I put him through hell this week but I honestly had no idea who to deal with the emotions that I was feeling. I pushed the whole world away. I honestly felt like I was going to implode!

But having my friends baby arrive yesterday was the hard part I knew was coming. Seeing her little boy and hearing all about the birth. It really hit home! I hit rock bottom I think but I managed to pull myself up and I feel much stronger today.

It was a bad week all round, AF hormones and emotions, not pregnant, Clomid, my little girls Bday, the birth of my friends baby that was 1 week a head of me! I just lost it. I have never had to deal with that much emotion before and I have to say I probably handled it really bad, probably due to the influence of clomid.

DH and I stopped talking for a bit. Guess I honestly just didn't know how to handle it all. We cuddle last night and I guess he knew I was hurting but didn't know what to say or how to help. But the cuddles were enough. Having that warmth and love next to me was what I really needed. I guess I am lucky I have such a wonderful man. He may not know what to do but he definitely understands.

Well I still have tomorrow to go. But hopefully with my hormones settling after AFs departure and the clomid round finished, I will have a bit more of a level head!

Tomorrow will mark the final milestone from my first miscarriage. Perhaps now I can truly move on and be open and ready for a new baby to join our lives.

new arrival

So my friend that was 1 week ahead of me gave birth yesterday. So happy for them but it hurts like hell!

oh well suck it up and move on!

Limbo Land

So here I am trying to regain my life! So far so good. Not much in the way of baby thinking going on and its nice. Went for a run yesterday, had a nice relaxing sauna, was like the old days.

But all this and for some reason I still have to come into my job everyday. I have to passion or interest in it anymore. I have so much work to do but I just can't be bothered. I was only here for maternity leave, so now I am not thinking about babies I don't see the point in being here. I do still have a ton of responsibilities and commitments so a job is definitely required, and this one pays well for what I do, so I am still stuck! YUK

I had a thought this morning, it would be so nice to open a pet motel. I LOVE animals. couldn't have enough of them, but by law you are only allowed so many. That or an animal rescue. So all those that have been at animal shelters too long and are on death row, I could take them in and house them until I was able to find a home for them. That would require a massive lottery win though. Even though it would be for a good cause I don't see me winning 10Mil anytime soon! I am sure the universe would rather give it to an 18year old who will blow it on clothes, cars, drugs and alcohol! It keeps giving my baby to them so why not that too!

LOL so cynical! Can't help myself.

One of my former SWB friends is in a little trouble. I have been praying for her and her baby. I really do hope they pull through with flying colours. Seriously the universe has some punching gloves on at the moment and just seems to be taking a swipe at everyone!

two of my other TTC friends are really struggling too. comes back to seriously how much can one person take? Seriously time to give them a ray of light and let them out of this dark tunnel you find the need to keep them in!

Summa is having some awesome UTD symptoms. I really hope this is it for her. I will seriously be coming at you with aeroplanes if your playing games with her!

Still trying to decide how I am going to manage to find a way to go see someone. Although in saying that I have been to see someone before and I know what they will say, and I know how to get myself out of this whole! I am tired of being a sad angry person, I want to be myself again and only I can achieve that! I need to stop dwelling and feeling sorry for myself and hard done by. I need to suck up my shit, swallow a mouthful of cement and harden the F**K up! I am not sure if this tactic will work but I have tried a few others and come up failure so this is the next one to try!

Control

Control is a funny thing. We are always searching for some type of control. And today I found mine and my sanity and peace!

This is the end of TTC for me. I have started taking clomid this cycle so I will continue, and I will also temp through till the end of this cycle but TTC is over. No more not doing something in case I am pg. The biggest one is exercise. I haven't done any recently as I was petrified of a miscarriage. Well no more. I know what is healthy and what is not. I wont go over board but definitely need to exercise. Run every AM and walk every evening. Throw in some core exercises and pilates and we are set. Nothing extreme but a must have. No more opk's, no more hpts unless AF is late, no more analysis of everything, cause honestly symptoms means nothing! I had them all no pregnancy, some women have none and end up pregnant! its all a game of chance!

I have to say I am already feeling better about it. If the universe has some other plan for me than being a mum I have to accept that and move on. I just have to hope that eventually it does show me the path cause at the moment I am walking around aimlessly. I know this may be hindering things and my clock is ticking with only a few good baby years a head of me but its all good all the time!I can do this!

CD2

Not much to say today, I am limiting my brain from thinking so that I don't think about certain things. In that I now can't seem to function. Turning off my brain worked way better than I thought it would. I imagine this is what it would feel to be drugged up in a metal hospital.

CD2, that explains itself.
Saturday is the 26th! don't want to know about it. I know its going to hurt but I am trying to keep that until the actual day.

I am also thinking my friend has given birth as she was due last week, but I am too scared to contact her as this is going to be a tough week. I am so wonderfully happy for her, but it will make my pain even worse.

As my brain is off for now I think my blogs are going to be very limited and far between.

I am very tired of the whole game.

Cleansing

So after my blog this morning I have to say I started to feel so much better. Which is good. I needed to just let it all out so I could move on.

On another note I have to say a good clean out always feel so good. Negative things in life can be draining and are completely unneeded. Unfortunately the truth does hurt and some people can never handle it that is why most people cover them in cotton wool and treat them like princesses. But I have moved on and enjoy positive people around me and thats the way things are meant to be. I have my SSWB and its all I need. Love you girls. Big hugs for all your wonderful support today!

Pondering!

So I sit here at my desk not really able to focus on work, seriously couldn't give a rats arse about it. Feel sick, tired, grumpy and just over it. Not AF cramps or anything but thats fine, can do without them today.

But as I sit here I find myself pondering about many things. I mean seriously this might not be the worse thing in the world but how much of a pounding does one person need. I know there are many people out there going through tough patches but why does the universe seem to find the need to keep beating them down. spread it around a little!

WARNING! Downer post!

So to recap, where did this all start. First off it started with problems with DH's family, and that created a TON of stress leading up to the wedding. So much so we didn't really have a chance to enjoy it. Our honeymoon ended up nice but that was a shit fight to start with, not us but the hotel who put us in the wrong room, missed this from our booking etc etc so nothing went smoothly there.

Get back and I wanted to start a family straight away, I went off the pill and although Ben said he wasn't ready just yet we were casual about it. We weren't overly trying in those first few months, around September I said I wanted to actually try so that meant timing BDing a bit better. Anyway we had a few disagreements because now DH wasn't ready, then he was then he wasn't then he was, all whilst having unprotected BDing. Now we were lucky we did fall pg straight up i thought my luck was changing and for once we would be blessed with something without having to trudge through the mud to get there!

Boy was I wrong. As we approached my 27th Birthday I needed to have a dating scan to confirm how far along I was as being my age I needed NT scans and things at the right time. So 2 days before my birthday excited but nervous I toddle off for a scan. Baby Died. Devastated. We were heading away for a nice long weekend for my birthday. Had a 4 hour drive a head of me! Did most of that crying. Then managed to get a $300 speeding fine and 3 demit points. So my birthday money from mum paid for my fine cause we couldn't afford it. We had DH's brother and GF there who all weekend crapped on about conspiracy theories and shit so by the end I just snapped because seriously there are more important things in life like the here and now!

Anyway still hadn't moved the baby on by myself a week later so I went to the OBGYN the week I got back, she wanted to do another confirmation Scan as sometimes that early on u may miss things. Nope baby still dead! So I went in for a D&C. One of the scariest things I have ever done. I didn't know anyone that had ever had one so I was very scared. Risk factors like stabbing the uterus wall and leading to a full hysterectomy.

D&C went fine, no dramas. 40days to get first AF. We started trying again. Hormones weren't up for it, Got AF, got positive pregnancy test the next week started spotting after BDing, held onto it for a week, lost it, hcg went back up, rushed in for emergency laparoscopy for ectopic pregnancy, no ectopic, internal scan after internal scan, about 5 all up whilst bleeding every time, very uncomfortable. Blood test after blood test, the whole time hoping and praying that something was there. In the end defeat was accepted and we needed to end this. so it was either a D&C or methotrexate. I didn't think I could handle another D&C and seeing as I was put in the category of pregnacy of unknown location so it may not have done anything.

I opted for the Methotrexate. Chemo type drug so I was out of the TTC race for 3 months, after a 3 month miscarriage it felt like I was never going to see the light of day. So we reach the end of that 3 months and my cycle hasn't returned properly and I am ovulating on CD23 with a 10day LP which is no good at all!

So I talk to my OBGYN we opt for clomid. Start clomid, Ovulate on CD16, my progesterone is tested 88.9 on 6DPO so one day early, which is massively high, things seem stable and going great guns! Boobs started to hurt had left side pulling/cramping stuff. Thought maybe I might be finally seeing some light. 13DPO and I have had a perfect temp drop impending AFs arrival probably tomorrow. We BDed at the right time, used Preseed because of the clomid, my eggs supposedly work, DH's sperm supposedly works! Yet nothing. So that is today!

Why did I summarise it all well because of my little F**KED up list.

1. Missed Miscarriage - Genetic abnormalities
2. D&C
3. Miscarriage - Natural Hormone induced lasting 3 months, spotted the whole time
4. Methotrexate
5. Laparoscopy for possible ectopic
6. Pregnancy of unknown location treated with Methotrexate
7. consideration for Molar pregnancy treated with Methotrexate
8. Clomid
9. Repeat miscarriages
10. Ovulatory but no pregnancy cycle
11. 10 months and counting!
12. nearly 28 each month increasing my chance of down syndrome and diminishing my egg supply

I am not really sure what else that leaves? Have we covered them all yet? I mean there are things like preeclampsia, and still birth but that is after 12weeks so another ball game all together, Seems I have to tick all the possibilities off with the before 12week stuff before I can move on! If anyone can think of anything anything at all please tell me because I need to know what I am up against.

Oh and thats not all, over the past 10months I have managed to put on 15kg! for nothing. Started with the morning sickness back in October. Eating regularly helped keep it at bay and I didn't mind a little wait gain. That wasn't too much probably 5kg, Was scared to exercise being first pregnancy so I walked everyday but that was it. Being used to a vigeous routine weight went on fast but I wasn't worried. Lost it, got back into running but it wasn't enough, I was emotional eating cause everything was so crap. Then I was spotting for 3 months couldn't exercise as it might induce a miscarriage. Then miscarried, tried to get back into it, had trouble, kept emotionally eating. 15KG later here I am still no baby! The extra weight only adding to all my problems!

Along with all the TTC stuff there are home pressures too. All this TTC stuff is one thing but we have money and work issues just like everyone, but DH doesn't cope to well with them so he turns to drinking, and drugs and gambling when stuff gets tough. Blowing $500 on the pokies for a bad day makes things even worse. I now have to stress about how we are simply going to make it through the month. I am now also up against a short amount of pain maternity leave so I have to either find work I can do at home once bub is born or return to work straight away. We can't live off DH's wage. My wages is currently the highest so loosing that will be really hard. We don't have any time for home, we leave at 6:10am and we return home around 5:30-6pm we cook dinner, rest for an hour and bed to get up and do it all again. Weekends are spent maintaining the house as we have so much to do and no money to do anything else. We are loosing our connection as a couple because everything is getting too much. We never talk we just fight, we both need to go see someone but we can't afford it.

And to top it off my little girl was due next Saturday. I know she was never going to make it. Trisomy 16 is fatal but she wouldn't have had a good life either and even if she had lasted longer she was always going to die, but still doesn't change the fact that she was due on the 26th! I was really hoping to be pregnant before now. oh well just another one of those things I have to face!

As I said how much can 1 person take! I know I have the strength to get through. I have no other choice. I have responsibilities. I know the dream to have a baby is still there. All the things we do are for that eventual goal. I just want my mind to be completely blank for a while! Maybe its time to take up meditation.

Well my brain is tired now! If you managed to read all the way through that ur must be tired too. But thanks for listening. Hugs.

Game Over

So Temp drop this morning, so definitely out for this month! Not much else to say really!

Guess its another thing I can tick off my list. Well now we do have pressure next month its the last chance we have before we start loosing paid maternity leave! YAY! Seeing its the reason I stayed in this job!

Too tired to give a shit about anything today!

SWB

So when I began my journey It started out on BH and I met some very wonderful women all going through the same trials and tribulations of TTC. I knew in the beginning that our journys would progress at different stages but that didn't matter. To me that was probably more important cause I am always scared of the 1in5 rule!

During this early stage we were all there for each other through the ups and downs. Eventually we ventured away from BH, originally I wasn't included but eventually got an invite. I didn't let that bother me at all figured it was an oversight for some reason.

Anyway as things progressed things started to change. Super u mentioned no Egg shells well this is no egg shells for u. for some reason I feel I need to justify/clarify/explain some things. Some of the girls became pregnant which was wonderful. I loved seeing their pics and hearing their stories and was 100% so very very happy for them, but eventually they started coming on only sparingly, popped in to update their progress and gone again saying sorry really busy. During this time a few of us were going through some very difficult times. We all have blogs, which were unfortunately only followed by some.

They used to check in and ask when big milestone approached like ovulation, testing or AF, but there are many other days in a month that are just as important, especially when your having so much trouble TTC.

Now I am not saying any one journey is harder than another but I know these girls and they have been at this for nearly 12months or more! they have been to FS after FS on drugs in hospital, test after test after test and still coming up empty. The bitter appointment month after month after month of seeing that 1 line with absolutely no hope when this will end. The devastation that causes rips them to pieces and they need their friends around them people like us because noone IRL knows so we are the ONLY people they can confide in. But most of the time no one else was around, too busy!

But it wasn't just the lack of support that hurt, it was also the insensitive comments, probably not meant to hurt but they did! I don't like pointing fingers or dissing anyone, but It was said to me my comment was uncalled for but what is uncalled for is when someone says that a loss before 12weeks shouldn't hurt because your baby isn't really a baby, or that u don't want to go onto BH and hear about people who fell pregnant around when u did miscarried and listening to them was to much because they were being complete downers! That you have had a hard time TTC when you have been at it 3 months fall pg naturally with no help no tests no nothing and keep it! We understand that parts of pg are tough, but to complain about things, when you tried so hard for this, its a slap in the face. I know I would give anything to be pregnant again even if that means 15kg or constant morning sickness, sore back, sore feet, sore legs, tired etc etc etc.

These comments really hurt. and it hurt me more when I saw that it hurt those around me. We tried to keep quiet and keep the peace but eventually it got too much. I spoke out and that was wrong, some left quietly and that was wrong too.

Yes we have met up IRL and we are good friends but it has nothing to do with us not needing u now! Truth is we did need u and you weren't there for us and it really hurt. But then we were lucky to have formed a close bond because now the support is amazing. To know that when I am up or down there are there, and I am always there for them. I wont be too busy for them when I am UTD because I know how much I needed them through this journey and how much they have been there for me.

As soon as I wake up I think about all the girls, how their charts are whats happening, I log on and check blogs and charts to make sure I know where everyone is at, To know when appointments are so I can wish luck or be there for support or know when I should be hearing something. That was for EVERYone in the group. The same support unfortunately wasn't given back. I don't have many friends but the friends I do have I love and support with ALL of my heart, and I know the friends I have do the same for me. If someone is getting support from me but finds no need to give me support then I am afraid but I don't need someone like that in my life. True friends are rare and hard to find! You are all wonderful brilliant women and perhaps at another time we may have been wonderful friends.

I am sorry if this offends anyone I am just trying to clarify why things went the way they did! I am very sad things ended up the way the did but it became very emotionally taxing and with my journey already being hard and the stresses in my own life being high I couldn't focus any more energy on others that weren't willing to give something back.

I do wish these ladies a very happy healthy journey and I do actually mean it. I don't say things for the sake of saying them. They will all have babies soon and this whole thing will be a distant memory for them. For us not so much, our battles continue.

12DPO

So another day but at least it brings a little peace! Took my temp this morning and it went up. yep went UP! so I thought oh maybe! toddle off to the toilet POAS! surprise surprise a BFP!!! hahaha just kidding! it was negative!

So I have a funny feeling my body is following GS's and having a spas from the clomid but AF is definitely on the way! I have the heavy abdo feeling, the aching VJ like I am going to loose a gallon of blood any second. oh and so irritated today! Clomid PMS is BAD! lol!

But I am at peace! I can't do anything about it. I ovulated, i know my eggs work, DH has great sperm, We had clomid so I ovulated on time, we used preseed at the right time we BDed at the right time! I guess sometimes things just don't collide in the universe!

I was pondering in the car on the way to work this morning, I guess some people will always get the easy road to walk whilst some others will always get the tough one. Some times u do get things a bit easier, but most times its a real trudge up the hill!

So now I need to look forward to the next cycle! Clomid or no clomid! hmmm! Do I risk late ovulation? Could that have caused issues with me falling pg seeing as I have fallen twice with out it. Might wait till AF arrives and email my poor OBGYN again! Lucky guy gets to hear from me again :P I bet he can't wait for me to get UTD too! haha

So weird thing though had the oddest dreams last night! 3 separate full on dreams on getting that bfp. They were very vivid too. I only really fully remember 1.

Its a little fuzzy now, but I was at this house it was my aunties i think, and I was in one room, and I POAS, then my dad came and got me and we went into this big field and all i wanted to do was get back to have a look at the stick, but we went up this big hill and then we were back in the house, all my cousins were there and I was stressing someone had seen my stick, but I couldn't find it in that room, I didn't know where it was, I finally found it in another room it was sitting on top of a big brown dresser, sitting next to the box, I picked it up and read it. Positive, then all of a sudden my cousin was next to me in the room and saw my stick then again all of a sudden I was in this little dark kitchen with a round table and a low hanging over head light and my Aunt was there and my cousin was dobbing on my for my BFP. Then that one was over!

no I remember two

I was in a high rise building in like this geto and I was in a car with this guy just outside and we needed to leave cause he was being thrown out and I had POAS and it was up in his apartment, but he couldn't go back up cause this guy in there wanted to kill him, but i needed to see that stick bad, but if i went back up there he said I had to get stuff for him! so I did and i got out of the lift, no one was there, I went into the kitchen to grab all the pots and pans that he wanted, and a few other things and i ran with them into the bathroom to get my stick! As I went in there I put it all down because I couldn't find my stick, finally found it behind the toilet, as I picked it up the crazy guy was knocking on the door, I didn't know what to do, he thought I was the guy he wanted to kill, I was so scared, I looked down at my stick and it was a positive, I started to cry, he burst open the door, and saw me sitting there, he started to yell at me cause he saw all that guys stuff, but I just couldn't stop crying i was so scared and so happy, I held up the stick and showed him and told him the guy forced me to get his stuff, I just wanted to get my stick, and I told him I was pregnant. He completely stopped then and then put me in his car and we took off and he was saving me! That was the end of that one! lol RANDOM!

Don't remember the 3rd, I am surprised I remember 2! So yeah that got my hopes u a bit when I woke up! OH well maybe next round!

2 posts in 1 day! wow

So I thought I was doing OK but being at work always sucks and makes it worse! Doesn't help that DH has gone home, had a bit of a mental break down this morning. Finally got through to him work was not a good idea and he should just go home!

But on another note the TWW really does suck sometimes. about an hour ago I was convinced AF was on the way, my back was killing me! now that I am out of the laboratory and sitting in my office chair its fine! Its fine when I am walking, just so very very painful with I sit in the lab chair! I haven't had that kind of back pain since my 2nd miscarriage in January. I still have CM so yep reiterating what i said this morning! CONFUSED! I think best option is to resolve myself to AF arriving and be done with it!

Thing is if AF is on the way fine just show up! 12day LPs have been normal for me the last few months! but why push it out to 14now! stupid body! stupid universe and its games!

GS, Nani and Summa still being my complete optimists! I wish I shared their belief. My hat goes off to those girls though they are stronger than they give themselves credit!

confused!

So here we are again confused! not hard in this game of TTC! and seriously its just one big game that the universe likes playing with us!

So why am I confused. My thermometer was playing up this morning. Kept beeping early, would take it out of my mouth, go to look at it and it would beep again! Stupid thing. But I still got a .85 but I have no idea whats wrong with it! I got up to POAS seeing as I couldn't sleep anyway. When I got back to bed I temped again and it was .61 so who the hell knows. I know I can't really take anything of the 2nd one cause I had gotten up and sat on the toilet and watch the stick do absolutely nothing for about 10mins, so by the time i got back into bed I was freezing!

Also had a heavy chest cough when I woke up and some funky colour stuff when I blew my nose so I figured I'm just sick. But all thats gone now so who knows there either! I am tired but I feel perfectly fine.

But as I did allude to the test was a BFN!!!! :( I am more pissed off at myself for having such high expectations of it! oh well.

Now to the confusing bit! 11DPO my boobs hurt! without having to touch them they hurt and I mean really sore, BUT although they are starting to feel fuller they don't have the veins and the sore nipples! the cramps are there but have eased off, they are more on the right today. the creamy CM is in abundance today even though I am still dehydrated. So its all pointing toward pregnant but still it was a bfn!!! see one great big giant game!

I want to say I wont test again until Friday morning at 14DPO if AF hasn't shown but my POAS addiction is a little too strong for that! If my temp is still up on Wednesday I might test then.

I am going to go do some work now and stop myself from becoming the crazy hatter!

10DPO

Back from our anniversary holiday! was nice but a bit of a complete fizz in the romance department. Just another holiday! It was relaxing at least! DH and I ended up having a massive fight on the way home due to his lack of effort and then again last night. We are talking at least so thats a start.

So I am 10DPO and still bfn! Which is understandable it is early but I have put so much pressure of myself to get UTD this month, with the 4 months of not being able to try and then our little girl's due date!

Stupid thing was I had two digital tests and they were both Duds and got an error! thing was when i was throwing them out I noticed they both had 2 lines on them and got excited! Then to realize on a digital test two lines mean nothing cause it tests for LH too! stupid thing.

My mind isn't up with my body! I have my cramps on the left which is always a sign, my (.Y.) are sore, not like they were the first time but they are! Last time they didn't really take off with the pain until about 11DPO but something inside me is saying no! I don't know what it is. my temps are great and everything is pointing that way! but I just don't feel it! Maybe just trying to keep myself from getting too excited in case it doesn't happen!

I don't know its getting to D-day and I am getting so nervous! still 4 days to go, seeing as my temps are so high I should at least have a 14 day LP.

Try to be patient Shel!

OMG OMG OMG

OMG OMG OMG! Took my temp this morning! 36.90! It has NEVER been that high! And when I woke up to take my temp I noticed my left (.Y.) was aching so I touched them and they are aching at the base! So maybe just maybe something is starting!

Got my progesterone bloods taken this morning so it will be interesting to see what they come back at.

Had some of the weirdest dreams last night I wanted to put them down but DH is getting antsy because we are going away this morning and I need to go get some stuff done!

Off until Sunday afternoon so I may get a bfp while I am away! That would be such a nice anniversary pressie!

Hmmm getting all excited now, so a little worried I have jumped the gun and it wont be anything but we will see!

To my girls, chin up while I am away and you know I am here for u just give me a call if you need me!

Life can be tough!

So I am a little no more than a little worried about a few of my TTC friends. (they are more than just TTC friends now but for the purpose of here I will use that!)

Life can be so harsh and its really getting them down. Completely understandable too! It is moments like this I wish I did do medicine so I could actually do something for them! I know its a waiting game, but I would have gotten GS scans straight up checked those progesterone levels straight up, none of this waiting crap! 1 test at a time to rule it out! I do understand you have to trial things and there is no guarantee it will work but do some investigation first and during! Sometimes I really do wonder if these doctors understand the pain this journey can put us through, its fine for the to say wait 12months and then it may take another few months to work anything out but they don't have to live with that EVERY SINGLE DAY! If I was a little younger i might rethink that career path!

I am still holding out hope for GS! I know she has lost it but I can't help it. I had such a good feeling this month for her so until she gets AF I am going to hold onto it! I know 38 is low but low progesterone doesn't stop you falling pregnant (unless its REALLY low and bub can't implant cause lining isn't squishy!) but it could be the cause of the short LP! So bubba might get made but doesn't have time to stick! Perhaps a round of progesterone is worth a try. I am really hoping Dr A can find some answers for her!

Nani is still struggling a bit with the m/c :( again this is completely understandable it was only just over a month ago, it does take time to heal! I really hope the clomid works for her this round. With that she seems to be very fertile! Clomid doesn't work for everyone first round especially if they weren't properly ovulating in the first place!

Summa finally has her DH home for 7 days! YAY! and at the right time! WOOHOO! happy dancing for her all the way home! I hope this is the time for her too!

These girls really need some thing special to happen right about now! It might be time to up my fertility dance!!

AFM nothing much to report! 5DPO temp staying high which is good! I am in limbo period now, too early to feel any possible sign of pregnancy and getting onto getting close to when I should! Its around now you start to get scared your lack of symptoms means you aren't pg at all!

I am also a little scared about things to come in the next week! 1. If I don't get my bfp, my little girl was due on the 26th, and a bfn might just amplify things a bit no a lot for me! I have been able to keep my mind off it, although it is hard seeing so many girls starting to get their bellies and the nursery pictures. I would be 38weeks! Oh well best not dwell! I am happy for them all that their journey is heading in the right direction, just makes me sad sometimes. but 2nd and the bigger one If I do get my bfp! I am scared how much pain it might cause some people. But having said that I wouldn't give a bfp up for anything, I'm sorry I just couldn't. I do however wish I could help in some way! Help them to get to the dream they long for so bad!

4DPO

So we are slowly ticking on! YEP have to love the TWW. At least I only have today and tomorrow left of work then off for 5 days straight! We are going away for 1st wedding anniversay to a nice farm in northern NSW! will be nice and snuggly! :)

But very busy day but I just wanted to share an email my DH sent to a friend. Very cute and he has definitely been around me too long :) hehe

Hey Mate. So far so good. Shel only just ovulated..well we think in the past few days. So another 2 weeks before we will have a clear picture on fertilisation. Fingers crossed we are hopeful things will go well this time around and even better if we get a positive this Saturday as it’s our 1 yr wedding anniversary. So much more prepared now. It is amazing how much things change, puts a whole new respect to having kids. Looking back we were so naive!

Anyway back to it!

3DPO

OK will try this again! really tired again today so have to somehow find the strength to even write this.

So I have to say the universe can definitely be so VERY cruel sometimes. I think it might be time to go upstairs and have a chat with the Big man. Nani didn't deserve that and she definitely didn't deserve it on her birthday! take that! and that! and that!

Maybe her body just wasn't ready for a new little bubba yet, and the next one will be right! She will be pg again very soon, its just the nasty blows we could all do without.

So FF caught up this morning! put in proper cross hairs. So officially 3DPO and probably only 9days until testing seeing as I have been having a 12day LP at the most recently! Getting a few cramps still every now and again. Nothing much, just there, but I also think that is becoming the norm for me lately!

3 days of work to go then 5 days off! OMG I need it!

A brighter day

So today it does definitely feel so much brighter!

Nani had an awesome temp dip and beautiful rise this morning, and a little spotting yesterday! its really just to perfect! No bfp yet but I think its just a matter of time. All natural this cycle so it may just take her body a couple of days to register. I have done my 2 pregnancies naturally and 10dpo even with implantation was too early! oh oh oh I have such a good feeling there!

GS has ovulated and BDed at the right time! in the TWW but it wont take long! I really hope this is her time too!

Summa has a great shot this month! her DH WILL (see that Summa) WILL be home at the right time!

and for me I have definitely ovulated! FF put in my cross hairs funny, the day before the positive opk! weird but doesn't matter I know what the dealeo is and I will just do a manual override.

I want all of this to work out so much! Its so all our time! Feb/march babies all around! woohoo!

On another note I was till feeling sick all day yesterday and last night but I feel heaps better this morning! so must have definitely been the clomid!

Off to pick up a mattress that I bought for the cot this morning! its a bit of a drive but its worth it. Brand new inner spring water proof. from ebay only paid $78 for it!

and seeing as its monday again tomorrow its grocery shopping oh and better do the house work I suppose! lol!

Still feel its a VERY good day today! Still so excited for Nani!!!!!!!!!

CD17

Ok so things are looking up! I MAY have ovulated! My temp was up this morning YAY!

Will try and wait till tomorrow thought to confirm before I let me mind wonder away but I am really hoping that was it. honestly if it goes down tomorrow I really don't know how I am going to feel!

Wow still so very very tired at the moment. Just had a nap. Its making me feel really sick. My tummy has been off. Started dry reaching last night just after I went to bed. Did the same thing this morning after a cup of tea. Have really bad headache too. Side effects of the clomid me is thinking! Must because of all things its doing to my hormones right about now!

I keep trying to coax myself into having some kind of patience but I am really not getting there. I know I have done the best I can at this. I will try to get some more action today just to make sure, so we only missed 1 day, but not knowing if I did indeed ovulate, I think once I know if I have I will be able to sit back a bit. But the not knowing is what I can't handle!

waiting waiting and more waiting. If I did ovulate my test day is Drum roll......the 18th!!!! 13 days to go!

CD16/0dpo

So as my title says 0 days dpo! Been having a very weird day! REALLY emotional, crampy and bad back ache and REALLY REALLY tied, mind not on the job, very foggy nothing making sense. This arvo just before I left work I felt this very odd feeling down there. Popped to the bathroom on my way out, massive amount of EWCM. I was praying I was wrong but I did an opk when I got home and it was a straight away positive.

The last time I got a positive opk I got a temp spike the next morning, so hopefully its tonight, CD16 isn't too bad.

Spoke to DH about it he want's to keep trying. I am a little scared. Simply because I did have that spike on CD13 the same as January and I am scared of a repeat! I mean really scared. But if anyone reads this please pray for me. I am not sure how I will cope if I go through that again. I don't mind if I just get AF and its all over we try again the next month. But to have an incomplete miscarriage that carries on for 3 months then another 3 months of waiting after. I couldn't cope with that.

I will be OK. I will be OK. I will be OK!

CD16/3dpo

OK so where do I start! I am SO VERY VERY confused. Why can't this crap be simple! Just every now and again!

So here is the problem. 3 days ago I had a temp increase from 36.15 to 35.46. First temp of the morning no problems!

Yesterday 1st temp was 36.28. like WTF as I explained yesterday. got under the covers and it was 36.41. Today 1st temp was 36.38 again WTF! got under the covers 36.52. So this is where the confusions starts and I going to complete ramble here but I need to get it out of my head.

3 days ago it was warmer, I didn't feel cold when I woke up, temp was fine. Winter has well and truly started and the last couple of days have been freezing, I wake up cold first temp is low, get under the covers where I feel comfortable and my temp is where it should be. Problem is that is completely manipulating my BBT! So I honestly have NO idea if I have ovulated or not! I was going over and over it in my head. Clearly my temp is going up, low temps were .28 to .38 my higher temps were .41 to .52 so looking at it that way it could be right. But my temps before possible ovulation where so much higher than normal! OMG so confused! Then with the Clomid and the strong drop of BBT made me think high oestrogen so maybe a couple of eggs. But my patter if I have ovulated is definitely only 1. Which is 1 fine 1 is good :) but doesn't explain the good estrogen and the crap progesterone!

So I have emailed Brad (OBGYN) to see what he thinks. I am completely petrified of history repeating itself and my reasoning is telling me even though I ovulated on CD23 last month I still managed a decent LP. which compared to Jan I ovulated late and had a REALLY short LP. Problem is the .31 degree thermal shift. If I didn't ovulate that thermal shift could cause my body to think I did ovulate even if I didn't! and if that is the case it will be a repeat of Jan because AF will arrive around Monday the 14th, but If I don't ovulate until CD18 which is the 6th it gives egg 8 days to implant which wont happen and AF will arrive egg will implant after and OMG deja vu!

This is just too much today! I wanted to be happy that it was Friday! I am so tired again and this is just all too much! I just want to go home and cry and sleep and get warm! I HATE WINTER! its too cold, me and the cold really really dislike each other! I would prefer 40 degrees to this crap! always feeling cold down to the bone!

Symptom wise I do feel like I have ovulated. I have uterus cramps, a few cramps from the right ovary but the left is definitely quiet now nothing from it! Really sore back but not sure if thats from something else or its the uterus cramps. Kinda like AF I guess. CM has gone creamy but is very minimal! Probably because of Clomid and dehydration! Water even at room temperature is too cold for me in winter!

Man this is a bad post today. Tired and cranky! GRR!


EDIT: So yet again I find myself with one of THOSE days, where I have to find the strength and resolve to keep on moving. To get on with my job even though I just want to go home get back into bed and forget about it all! To pretend that everything is OK and even really good and happy at times. I don't want to be around anyone today I just want to feel the way I am feeling. I am tired of pretending it makes me even more tired! One of those days where my strength of character is tested again! What doesn't kill us makes us stronger right! well I am going to be the incredible hulk soon! hmmmm hmmmm hmmmm too tired for a Grr anymore!

HMMMM

So where do I start! HHMMMM (HAHAH Yes GS and Summa I managed to put in a smiley!-Watch out)

Ok back to it! So I woke up to take my temp this morning and OMG its 36.28! like WTF So me being me went as if! and took it again and I get a 36.41. So I am thinking OK thats all right I usually have a slight fall back rise! but do an analysis on my FF chart and not so happy Jan. Because my temps were higher before ovulation the 36.41 wont be above coverline! GS happy for you to jump in with an opinion on that!

So now I have no idea what the hell is going on. I was thinking maybe I have released 2 eggs one slightly late creating the lower than normal temps. lol I know stupid but hey a girl has to dream!

Again its a tomorrow will tell. But if I don't see a decent increase I am going to start to worry its a repeat of January. If thats the case OMG watch out ovaries

On another note hugs to GS, . As Summa said TTC is so tough sometimes. I really wish we could all reach our destinations now!

Had a massive fight with DH this morning. Apparently I haven't been giving him enough attention! He must be feeling like a used piece of meat or something! Man men can be so sensitive and they can be a complete over reacting girl sometimes !!

But in terms of possibly ovulating, I do feel like I have. Nipples are sore, cramps have started already. But today WOW I am so tired, this clomid really knocked me for 6. I feel completely out of my body today. My legs and arms don't feel like they belong to me. I am on complete auto pilot. How I am going to make it through without either coffee or a nap I have no idea!

Well best get to work! 2 days to go!!!

CD14/1DPO

So the wonderful news is that I looks like I did ovulate yesterday. I had a nice temp rise this morning, and when I overlayed my chart in FF it matches very well. Its a perfect CD ovulation and BDing was perfect we didn't miss a day. So hopefully in 14days we see those two lines.

Everything points toward it, had some Killer pains last night. My left ovary felt like it was bursting. for about two hours I had pulsing pain every few minutes, and every time I felt it I could imagine my little white ovary bursting into a million pieces landing all over the walls of my insides! After BDing last night I had cramps and this morning I had a few sharp pains in my right ovary and a little bit of dull cramping but its all eased off now. I feel completely normal.

So you may be thinking I don't sound very excited. Oh I am, EXTREMELY excited for me, but very sad for a friend. Her ovaries are decided to be temperamental, incorporating little so and so! Even her Dr based on BT confirmed she would ovulate yesterday! But NOTHING! her temp is slightly lower this morning! I mean COME ON universe give her a break! *Shakes fists up toward the heavens*

I was so excited when I saw my temp this morning and thought we would be ovulation buddies. Why didn't this work for her? Why? There has to be something there causing this.

Well best get to work, I have a performance review to complete! If I wasn't getting a bonus and a possible pay rise out of it I probably wouldn't put so much effort in, but extra money always comes in handy!

But I will be doing an ovulation and BDing dance ALL day in hope that it helps my friends ovaries pop and her DH to get in the sack!