Somedays I just really with I had some rose coloured optimism. I know my OB said he thinks I will be perfectly fine, I am young and my success rate should be good, I just don't see it.
I mean I know people have anovulatory cycles all the time but I never have :( so seeing AF come next Thursday would be a miracle. I just keep telling myself even though I ovulated late in my January cycle my AF still arrived on time. So I am hoping and praying that is still the case this time. I just know I will be completely gutted if she doesn't arrive.
I have been struggling the last couple of days. Its like babies aren't really real! I don't have any close around me, I see other women, but I think perhaps they are just a figment of my imagination.
This is a little selfish of me I guess, but when I found out my friend lost her baby on Wednesday, of course I was completely gutted and devastated for her, but I was also upset because I was really really looking forward to having a baby around. She only lives just down the road from me, and I have never really been around babies. I know it wouldn't put the fire out in my heart how much I want my own, but to just have one close would be so nice. DH's family have kids but they don't live near us, and none of our other friends are at that point yet. I have the friend that is due 1 week before I was and I am looking forward to going over and seeing her little man when he arrives, but she lives so far away too :(
I was also upset because seeing her pg made me start to believe in the miracle of pregnancy again. To believe it was possible. There are a couple of other girls in our TTC pg too but they still aren't flesh and blood to me yet. Hopefully one day we can meet but it still isn't real. To see a friend close by slowly grow her little bump and to get excited with her about EVERYTHING, I was really excited about pregnancy again. But its all gone. I know we will still go through the journey together but she will be sadly cynical like me now :( No matter how much you want to believe everything will be OK, deep down in your gut you will always fear the worst, because you know how the worst really feels!
I just can't see the dream becoming a reality at this point. I know I will be a mum, but I guess until I feel the baby move inside of me, or hold it in my arms, I am too scared to believe it will happen.
Lots of rambling today! Mainly because I am tired and still completely over work! I would be going on maternity leave soon. hmmm :( I am still very sad about that, but its different now. I am more upset about the chance of miscarriage. Firstly I never thought it would happen to me, let alone twice, but to see it happen so much around me too. I know there is nothing I can do about it, just wish i had a little magic ball I could see into the future and see if my next pregnancy will be OK. I think if I know I would loose it, even though I know its the course of life, I would still get pregnant, but I wouldn't be attached as I would know what was coming. But if I see its successful then I would be able to cherish the pregnancy instead of stressing about it.
Oh I am going to stop rambling now that probably isn't making any sense at all.
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