Empty!

So my head is all foggy and needs a clean out! Be warned if ur reading this I have no idea where this post is going to go! Probably Bad the way I am feeling right now!

So no AF today. Temp has gone up to 36.61 so I have a feeling she is going to stay away for a few days! This pushes me up shit creek without a paddle.

Thing is I feel so alone right now, and I hate this feeling! I know men are from a different planet but seriously surely they have a brain!

My other half is religious no sorry he has faith, church did some pretty shit things to him so now he doesn't like going but yes he still has faith. Which is fine, but seriously when bad shit happens then keeps happening please don't preach to me. I don't want to be told, have faith it will all work out. Well i fucking thought that last time! and the time before that!

I just can't talk to him about this anymore. He has no idea how a cycle works, so if I got AF today we would have been trying late June now that hasn't happened, its either early June or July. DH says have faith your cycle will return next month and we can try late June. Like seriously I just said late June isn't happening anymore! So then he says well we can wait till July or August or when your cycle returns I don't want u taking any drugs. Coming from someone who loves his pot, although I refuse to let him smoke it anymore after we lost the last baby to genetic abnormalities. But till my cycle returns! WTF will that be? 6 months, 12 months?

Thing is my life is on hold because I am doing everything I can to make myself perfect for when we are pregnant again. That means I am doing EVERYTHING I would be doing if I was pregnant. He doesn't have to do any of that. He just carries on with life perfectly normal! 99% of the time he doesn't even know I am upset. He is a typical ozzie bloke that has no idea about women. I knew that when I married him, I just didn't think when I was hurting this bad he would busy himself with everything else so he didn't have to deal with my girly shit!

As for the faith thing, seriously how much is 1 person supposed to be able to deal with. You pick yourself, and carry on with life, you do the responsible things, you are a good person. But something new comes along to yet again test you and sometimes I just wonder why?

I go to work everyday, I have bought a house, I am in a happy marriage where we both love each other very much (well most of the time!) all in preparation to have a family. Yet for some reason we are deemed to not be able to have children yet? I look back to my younger years where I spent so long trying not to fall pregnant, was I always destined for this path? If things had been different would having children been easier when I was younger? I know they are all what ifs and whys etc! I am glad i didn't have kids with anyone else, I just want them so bad no with the man and for some reason we are not able to...is someone trying to tell us something?

So I don't know where to right now! everything just feels like shit. I have no goals I can work toward, no date to look forward to. No trying to achieve anything. Simply get up go to work everyday, come home and go to bed. Weekends,house work! thats it!

I simply feel completely empty!

So something I just thought of, if I wasn't charting, and I had absolutely no idea where I was in my cycle, we are able to try again from the 2nd June, would DH be happy to try then? Even thought the reason I am charting so that I don't loose another one. That if something was wrong I would know and we could do something about it! But now he doesn't want me to do anything about it! Just patiently wait for "God" to work his shit out! Sorry he is too busy getting that Druggo down the street pregnant!

Sorry if u have faith, like I said I have no problem with it and I don't judge just like I hope I am not judged. Some days I can't help but question things! I have trouble accepting blind faith! Its the rational scientist I suppose! I believe in something I just don't know what yet, I am still searching, but that discussion is a long one for my other blog sometime.

I am sure this will pass and I will pick myself up! I have no choice and I have done it so many times. But for today I am going to feel down for a little longer!