Feeling good again today. CM has finally arrived. I've had been fairly dry but also really dehydrated. Being back at work I drink more due to the air con so yep CM is here. My bbs are still sore, not excessively today like they have been but I have been pregnant before and they have grown two sizes since all this began, figure they don't really have much more growing to do. The nipples are really painful now. Can't even touch them, so I figure thats another good sign.
So I am going off that I will get to keep my baby and he/she will be here in September. Thats so exciting! But going by that I will probably take maternity leave from early/mid aug and I will go part time from mid June. I have enough holidays that I can just use them and ensure that I still get my full maternity leave. Would be annoying to work full time for nearly 4 years at this job and then drop part time in the last few months and get reduced maternity leave.
So thats a little exciting too. Although my job is OK and I love the girls I work with I am not challenged here anymore. I have thought about changing jobs many times but when TTC you want to stick around so you get leave entitlements.
Found out yesterday that our God son's christening is on the 17th April. Thats VERY exciting! I will be 19weeks then! I would be so good to not have to work and the days would just fly by, I only want to get to the 27th Feb! lol but I am not sure how long I would last at home without getting bored. 4weeks is probably the max I could do. I would be able to get so much done though!
So I might sound like I am completely rambling, well I am. One of the biggest things for me and it was the same as last time is this foggy brain thing. Just general tasks I really struggle with. I couldn't focus when driving this morning, getting ready in the morning is a real challenge. I loose everything. All of this is very abnormal for me. The funny thing is well its not actually funny but I can pin point the exact day my baby died last time. I was working in the biosafety cabinet at work, and I was working efficiently my mind was clear. I knew something wasn't right from that moment. I remember the exact moment the thought ran through my head! When I went for the scan and she told me my baby had died at 6w3d I counted back and yep sure enough it was that day!
It been so long since those pregnancies but being pregnant again has resurfaced all those things that happened. I remember everything like it was yesterday. So much of it I had forgotten about.
OK more rambling coming
now many of you that read this blog already know my story but I am getting it out again because I feel I need to. for the first pregnancy, I remember the first pregnancy test I did and getting that positive, being so blissfully happy, because I didn't know my dates the Dr sent me for a dating scan. Lying there on the bed thinking I was 7w5d. The technician finding bubs but having that concerned look on her face. Having to do an internal and saying she couldn't find a heart beat but saying it was early it just might not be there yet. But I knew better I was measuring a week out. I remember getting dressed I felt so numb, walking out of the scan place and just falling to pieces. I have never ever cried so much in my life. I waited an hour for the results and then I had to go see my Dr. I can still see the letters FDIU!!!! I had never seen them before but I knew straight away it mean fetus died in utero. I was guttered. it was the 12th Nov 2009. After that it was a blur. had my 27th birthday two days later then appointments and surgery etc.
I then joined BH and joined the miscarriage support threads. They helped me so much. Then my Dec cycle is when things really got messy. I ovulated late, I was charting so I had my normal temp rise on CD14 (although now I know I normally ovulate CD13) but then it rose again on CD18. I wasn't worried too much as AF arrived on time on CD27. BDing a few days later I had spotting. I thought hmm weird. Ignored it. 2 days later BDed again some thing. I actually got really upset at this point thinking my cycles were out and I would be out of the running again that cycle. When I finally got my head together, I am not sure what made me actually test but I did a Hpt! OMFG it was positive. I couldn't believe it. I wanted to be excited but I knew it wasn't right. Anyway I spent the next 5 hours at the hospital. I am A Neg DH is Bpos so I needed to get an AntiD injection due to the spotting. I got this very incompetent Dr that was trying to tell me that sperm can cause false positives on pregnancy tests and I would need a blood test. Seriously WTF? Most women know this isn't the case but if a Dr says so they would question it but I know this isn't the case. Being a biomedical scientist I know exactly how a pregnancy test works. Its an Elisa based assay that uses antibodies to detect the hormone hCG. If its not present you wont get a positive. And sperm definitely does NOT contain any hCG hormone. Anyway so I waited for the bloods. Yep hCG 190 at 15DPO not including the AF bleed. So anyway BDing stopped and in turn so did the spotting. the following weekend at what would have been 5 weeks I was doing some house work and getting ready to meet a friend for coffee and I felt an odd pain. I knew straight away that it was over. I knew as soon as I went to the toilet I would see blood. And sure enough I was miscarrying. Went to the Dr, had bloods done and hCG was falling. About a week later I noticed my bbs looked odd. They looked like pregnancy bbs. Again I just knew something was wrong. I knew my hCG was going back up again. I had kept all my hpt's to monitor them getting lighter, so I did another one and compared it. Yep it was darker. Off to the Dr I traveled again, more bloods, and of course I was right hCG was increasing. My poor Dr didn't know what to do to me so he referred me to an OBGYN. I think I am the most interesting cause this Dr has had. I explained my back ground to him, he was very confused by it all. I had monitoring bloods every 2nd day for about 3 months. I had internal ultrasounds every 2nd week for about 2 months. Eventually when they couldn't find anything at all on the ultrasound and my hCG was doubling the Dr rushed me in for emergency surgery because the only explanation was an ectopic. That was very scary because its can be a life threatening problem. It all came back clear though so we kept monitoring bloods. Eventually it slowed down and wasn't doubling anymore so the Dr rang me and told me the pregnancy wasn't viable. That was the 6th Feb 2010. Again I was gutted. Although I knew in my heart it wasn't right you have to hold some sort of hope, its the only way you can get through. I went home that afternoon and since I had been on an exercise ban from the Dr I decided to go for a run to clear my head. I was so angry I ran so hard and for so long and I made it really really hurt, I wanted to run away from the pain run away from all the sadness and hurt.
Anyway that night at 9pm the pain started. I ran to the toilet and the bleeding begun. I had never seen or felt anything like it. I had bled before and had the cramps but this was about 10thousand times worse! The clots were the size of my hand and every time I passed one I would have contraction like cramps. I couldn't get off the toilet because I was bleeding so much so I by 1:15am I was considering going to the hospital. But at 1:30 I passed a clot and I just knew it was over. I went to bed for a couple of hours but had to be up at 4:30 am so I could get to work. I had an appointment with my OBGYN that afternoon for an injection of methotrexate. I had been put into a category of pregnancy of unknown location and although I bled so heavily the night before I had bled before and it hadn't removed all the pregnancy tissue.
After that my hCG fell really dramatically. We had to have a 3 month break to let the methotrexate get out of my system. Once we started trying again we thought we would fall pregnant easily has we had twice before both times we tried. 7 months down the track and nothing. Again I knew something wasn't adding up! Everyone just kept telling me to give it time. I am really in tune with my body, and when I don't think somethings right then its not. Finally my OBGYN after trying his basic artillery of fertility meds referred me to an IVF specialist. He was a lovely man but thought we should wait till April 2011 when we had been back TTC for 12months. I wasn't happy with this so he agreed to go back and do some very basic tests. He said there is a possibility that the tubes could have become blocked from the miscarriages but it was very unlikely at about a 1% chance. He sent me for a dye test and low and behold my right tube was 100% blocked!!!!!
I had surgery to clear it on the 13th Dec and on the 19th we conceived this little peanut that I can carrying now.
Going through all of that as I said feels like it was all yesterday. Its so clear in my mind! I am feeling much better about this little one but I know things can change in a day. I also know that if anything is going to happen I can't stop it. I am just hoping for me that 3rd time lucky and its about time I had some luck because I have had my fair share of bad luck.
Wow if you made it that far! Enough ramblings for one day!!!
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