Almost 7 weeks

I have a scan tomorrow to confirm dates but based on ovulation I should be 7 weeks tomorrow. Morning sickness is in full force. Some days are much harder than others. 

I crave fruit and sweets on good days and bad days I eat everything heavy I can find. 

I'm really tired all the time, have bad headaches :( I have a weird HB pulpitations that bother me a bit. 

My hair is always disgusting and greesy, I have pimples everywhere which I'm just not used to. In general I feel like death an look like sh*t. Oh and add to that I am so damn moody. I got like this at the very end of my other pregnancies but certainly not this early. I feel like I have constant PMS! 

This is so different from my last pregnancies. I did have morning sickness and headaches but on good days I felt really good and my hair was thick and shinny. I was real lovey dovey toward the kids and occasionally B lol he always know how to push my buttons.!

Now all I so is snap. I feel like i am so angry and frustrated I want to rip my own skin off. I feel like when I try and go on any kind of birth control. I really don't like feeling like this. 

Fun and games really. I want to enjoy this pregnancy as it's my last but it's hard when u feel this horrible. 

Only 5 or so weeks and it should start to settle down a bit. 

Excited but nervous.

So it's VERY early and I'm a bit nervous but yesterday I got my BFP! 

I didn't get a positive opk until cd19! I'm cd 30 now but I just worry about the viability of the egg when ovulation is so late. I've passed my normal cd28 cycle day without AF showing but just have to make it to Tuesday when AF is due based off the pos opk. I've had lots of sharp twingy pains. I kinda remember them but u still get nervous about it all. 

If I make it to Monday and my tests have gotten darker I will ring and book in with my on 6th. Just to check position, dates and HB of course. Will be about 7 weeks. 

Comeon bubba stick! If it does it will be my 4th and final baby so I'm going to try and enjoy this pregnancy. 

the time has come to update

So it has been a while since I updated here but the time has come for number 4! 

Well not yet we are going to start trying early next year but it's nearly November so that means only 2 more months to prepare for the girl away. 

I started the diet about a month ago. Whoa my body hates dairy. It makes me so bloated and tummy pain. I'm going to push through it though hopefully it doesn't take us too long to fall pg and and can drop back. I'm taking supplements d calcium, magnesium, and vitex. I'm taking vitex as my cycle was a mess. I was ovulating late on cd20-22 but my AF was arrivin cd 26-27.

So now I'm still ovulating late on cd19 but my cycle has lengthened to a 31day cycle. 

I don't care about the late ovulating as long as my LP holds out to actually allow the egg to implant. 

I will also be sending some urine samples away to urobiolgoics. I know people will have their negative oppinions I don't care. 

So the idea is that women will alternate their cycles between boy and girl. This theory was proposed by a dr a very long time ago can't remember the drs name or the dates he was around but since then this has been expanded on.

So yes it's the sperm that decided girl or boy as all eggs only contain X chromosomes. But it has been found that X and Y sperm are differently charged. This is used by the microsort method in the US. 

Because the sperm are differently charged an egg that is also differently charged and the internal environment of a woman can already have decided which sperm it will attach and allow to fertilise the egg. 

So based of this if it alternates if u track ur cycles after u have had a baby u can basically help chose the gender of ur next child. 

I have charted since my first miscarriage in 2009. This was a girl. I counted through and all my boys were indeed conceived in boy cycles. 

Now I do think I know which cycle I am in. But I had the implanon put in for a month. It stuffed my cycle etc so I just want to confirm I am in the cycle that I am. 

Anyway have to run kids want breakfast more on this later 

Week5

So this week has been both really good and really bad.

So the week started off great I had my first PT session. Tabatta HIIT session. It's Thursday and I'm still sore! Which is awesome. After I still managed a 2.77km jog In 20mins. Tuesday and Wednesday was mainly cardio as i was sore mixed with some weights. Tuesday I finally cracked 3km in 20mins! Yay! 

Anyway the cold I have had for what 2 weeks now just keep amping up. It was bad yesterday but last night I could not stop coughing. Heavy chesty flem both on chest and in nose. Dark thuck green yellow stuff. So gross. :( I made the decision over night i needed a  rest day to let my body fight this cold a little. Then when I got up this morning my first lot of monthlys arrived. First proper one after the birth of zach. It's amazing how they just make u EAT! 

This morning was bad. I had a few bites of the boys iced finger buns :( then I had a ham, cheese and avocado rice mountain bread wrap, and to top it off I had 2 mini milky ways! Agh! All before lunch. 

I weighed in at 82kg 2 days ago so I could have dropped down to 81.5kg at tomorrow's weigh in but now I will be lucky if I make the 82. 

After that slip up I decided to refresh my motivation and go through online weight loss transformation pics and blogs. Was a good idea as I feel motivated again. Only 1/2 a day blown. 

Hopefully tomorrow I will feel better and can smash it at the gym. Pull my head in and stick strong to my diet! Might be time to print out some of my motivational pics I have on my iPhone and iPad. Stick them on the fridge. Help bring home the back half of this challenge! 

One more week until half way. I can do this! 

Whirl wind of a mental roller coaster

So I haven't written in here in ages and don't get me wrong my family is very busy and settling into a routine. Little zach is nearly 15weeks old. He is a happy contented baby. B and I went through some issues again but it seems to revolve around when a new baby arrives. He has never been one to cope with stress of any kind. Now zach is older he is coping much better. 

With all this being said I know there is Another baby in my future. This is where the mental mushy brain comes in. I'm all over the place. I'm happy focusing on the gym and losing weight and toning up at the moment. I have some career plans I would like to achieve but at the same time every new pregnancy I hear about i wish it was me. Thing is I spoke to B finally about my longing for a girl. After a very long discussion he actually agreed to IVF/PGD to guarantee a girl. Problem is I did my research and crunched the numbers there is absolutely no way we could afford it in the next 5 years. That makes the gap way too big especially having the first 3 close but also means I will be 37 before we could do it. Whoa no thanks. 

It's between $15-18k. My idea was save a house deposit then borrow a little extra on the house loan for the car and the baby. Unless the nhmrc change the law in the current review or simply won't be possible. 

Thing about that is they don't allow gender selection here in Australia even for family balancing because they say it's unethical and immoral. With this new blood test u can get done at 10weeks (~$1000) u can find out with 99% accuracy the baby's gender. I've been following some forums and couples are aborting the baby if it's not the desired gender as abortion in Australia is legal before 20weeks or what ever it is! How is that more ethical or moral than choosing a baby that's wanted. It's a lot cheaper to have abortion after abortion than go overseas to gender select. Btw I could and Would never abort a baby. 

Anyway that is off topic. 

I was thinking sometimes toward the end of next year start trying. That way bub is a few months old when Tyler starts school making the school runs a bit easier. 

Here comes the hard part. The gender sway! B has agreed to give it all but what is that? Diet, timing, supplements etc? Or the really extreme methods I've read about involving egg white and centrifuges? I know it's ages away but it's on my mind always. I want to be done. I want to shut up shop. Have my body back for good. Waiting until end next year means 3 more years until I'm finished. I will be 35! Agh I'm exhausted just thinking about it. I'm working is hard to get my baby weight off that being pregnant again means more steps back. 

But then comes the mental battle that if we try so hard for a girl and it's a boy! Then what? Of course I would love him like the 3 I already have they are my world but it means I still don't have that girl I really long for :( 

The little man is here

So it's been a while. With having 2 little ones and the exhuation of pregnancy I didn't get time for anything really. 

Little Zachary Brad arrived 17/3/14 @ 17:03 3.87kg 54cm 

The birth was fantastic. I was induced due to his big size. He was above the 97th percentile and for 10days early he was still a big boy. Arrived OB assessed me and I was 2cm so he was able to break my waters. I was on the Ctg machine for a while after as they like to make sure bub was ok with the breaking of membranes. We had a couple of 90bpm readings which we worked out likely to be the placenta as it was anterior. 

Once the midwife was happy bub was stable we were allowed to go for a walk. We walked around the hospital grounds a few times. I went up and down some stairs. By 10am nothing was progressing so we opted for the drip to get things moving. 

I was doing well with contractions but at around 1 I thought time for an epidural. I'm thinking I can go without if I ever go again! I had an hour of happy before my normal break through pain started. I was already 7cm when the epi went in so I didn't have far to go. About an hour of break through pain and I was getting the urge to push. Turns out my break through pain comes as I go through transition.

I wanted to push but they wanted me to wait until my OB got their and could assess me to make sure I was ready to push. So I was breathing through each contraction.

OB arrived checked yep fully dilated and ready to go. I began pushing but it didn't feel right I didn't have any strength. I felt so weak and I just couldn't push :( 

Turns out I was trying to push and still breath through contractions. Hahaha oops that so doesn't work.

so once I stopped breathing through them and started actually pushing before I knew it like 5-10pushs and my dr says next push and he is out. wtf I hadn't done anything. But yep out he came. No vacuum no issues to nothing he was just born! 

Things are settling down a little bit. We are having feeding issues, turns out he has a tongue tie so that gets snipped next Thursday but at the moment I'm having to use shields and also top up formula feed. Some of his feeds were gettig up to 4+ hours and he just wouldn't settle to sleep. I felt guilty about the formula at first but the poor bugger was hungry. Since then I have started feeling a bit more in control of things. 

Tyler and Blake can be a hand full I think it's just them adjusting to the new addition. Some days I get hardly any sleep and that's usually because I'm dealing with 2-3 kids up during the night. When it's just Zach feeding its fine but like last night Blake is teething and he woke around 11 and it took me 3 hours to resettle him. 

I think life will be hectic for a while. 

Me wise I have lost 7 1/2 kg already which is good. I can't wait to get back into some exercise but I think finding the time will be the hard part. Even for a 30min run or ride. I'm trying to eat well but the lack of sleep has me looking for empty calories. :( just need one night of ok sleep to refocus. I know I can do it. 

Guilty thoughts again re a girl

So i am still going up and down on this roller coaster. 

First of all this has nothing to do with bub. Just over 13weeks until we meet him and I honestly can't wait.  So excited about new born cuddles again and the tiny baby clothes etc! 

This is the feeling of just wanting a daughter. Its always in the back of my mind always something I am thinking about just sometimes it just gets me down. 

Which is silly! This is where the guilt comes in. I do have 2 gorgeous boys and another on the way. Recently a mum from Tyler's dig lost her daughter during delivery. Having healthy babies is the main thing I know this but I can't shake this want for a girl. 

In my mind I am set on having 4 so I know I have one more shot. I know I can give it everything I have to gender sway but what if it doesn't work? I should be happy its a healthy baby and of course I will be I will do this again. But knowing I won't have 5 will it be worse? 

the Ivf/PGD is something I think about but one is the cost but it's also that we can have kids naturally without issues why do I find the need to force a girl? I keep saying what will be will be an if its meant to be a boy then it is but I'm also a scientist and people have help to have babies all the time why can't I get help to have the baby I so long for? 

I think deep down we will do it naturally with the gender sway but I am already so nervous about finding out its a boy. Its years away and already I feel the anxiety from it. 

Just rambling now it's such a hard thing to explain. 

I am exhausted from having kids so close together but I know as they get older it will get easier. Once we have a bigger car adding the next child won't be hard well until school fees hit. Also having more kids means we are restricted for money available to each child. 4 was my limit but if its a boy will I be able to stop at 4? Will I ever get over this feeling? Agh! 

New blog address - massive vent added

So this is my new blog :) 

http://2bafitandhealthymum.blogspot.com.au/?m=1

On the family front bubba 3 is giving me a little bit of grief. Not sure what it is can't put my finger on it. 

Ok so I haven't let things out on here or a while. I wonder what is the point? Put it out there a few people in the world might read it, it gets it off my chest but it fixes nothing. This crap is like déjà vu and my head is about ready to explode. 

So the problem with bub 3 is my blood pressure is going up. I can feel it in my face. It's like a knot builds in my gut an my BP starts rising my face starts swelling and bam I feel like crap. Why is my BP rising? Stress! Of course! 

So B ceased his business about 3 1/2 months ago now. Said he physically couldn't do it anymore. Fine. U can't push ur body to do something it physically can't. I suggested he give anti depressants a go because the tiredness he is always feeling isn't normal. He was cleared of any medical issues. He tried them for about a month. Said they just made him feel dazed. Again fine can't force him. 

About the same time he stopped his business I found out he had gone on a gambling binge. Ended up being about $3.5k yay! Me trying to be understanding and supporting didn't lose it I swollowed the stress and asked him to see a councillor. Which he did again for about a month. In that month he took up drinking every day. Eventually I said we can't afford u to drink every day. He didn't listen until I said I wanted to join a gym which was $7.50 a week plus about $20 for crèche. He flat out said no we can't afford it. I made the comparison to the $50 a week he spends on alcohol so he stopped. Now instread he has taken op smoking pot again. wtf! I can't win.

So in this time he hasn't worked. He has gone for 2 job interviews. He has applied for a few more but the job market is really tough and he is putting in a real half arsed effort. He is also going fishing at least once a week for at least 12hours, he stays up late playing is video games and sleeps in until atleast 8am every day. 

As u can imagine I am or basically have lost all patience. Then today we get a bill in the mail an outstandig debt I knew we had for a tax bill from his business as his gambling splurge was out of that money and he had to pay PAYG on it. Basically in a nut shell it says pay immediately or it goes to the debt collector. 

Omfg seriously? He was supposed to ring say he couldn't pay right now what can we put in place? Obviously he hasn't! If it goes to the debt collector there goes any credit rating we had and any chance of ever buying a house again. 

On the money we get we are $400 a fn short on our bills so my yes my credit card is creeping up. 

I feel like I am losing my mind. A 32yo 16yo! I've given up saying anything especially now he is smoking again as he is completely irrational. I feel like I want to move out again. That's not fair on the boys though they love both of us and I couldn't tear that up right now. Wtf am I supposed to do?  Some days I am ok with ignoring it other like today it does my head in. I want to yell and scream at him until he realises what is actually going on. I just don't know how he can't see it. What happened in his up bringing that made him void to any responsibility? 

Ok head wants to exploid can't keep making myself more annoyed. 

Time for a new blog with a new direction and new focus

So I have neglected this blog for a while now and it's simply because I have nothing much to say. I tried to transition it into a fitness and weightloss journey but it's still the same blog. It is all about my kids and my journey to get them. Now let's face it my kids are fascinating to me but not so much for everyone else. Their day to day accomplishments are my pride and glory but once up to ur 3rd the days blend into each other and things do just seem the same from day to day. 

So I am going to start a new blog. I am still on my journey to peak health and fitness and am enjoying reading and learning of the best ways to achieve this so once bub is born I am ready to go. My new blog will follow my weight loss of course but it's more than that. I want it to document my journey on how I go about achieving these goals especially with 3 boys under 3. Being a mum is tough some days ur lucky to get a shower or even 1min to go to the toilet by yourself so finding the time to focus enough on urself to eat right and exercise is going to be a real challenge but its one I am ready to take head on. This isn't about becoming skinny it's about becoming fit and healthy so I can be the best I can be so I can get the most out of life. Be the healthy fit role model for my kids. Provide them with a healthy diet and lifestyle that will give them the best direction in life. Have the energy to run around with them and participate in life rather than be too tired and sit on the side lines watching. 

Sure they are just babies now and some times a toddler will only eat mac and cheese or tinned spaghetti on toast and as long as they are eating that's a great start but as they get older I want healthy food to be something they naturally eat. Not 2L coke and a pie. 

Being nearly 26weeks pregnant my little guy is still my top priority but again this isn't about fad diets and cutting out food groups so even though I'm going to continue to eat well I know he is actually getting the best nutrients possible. After about 2weeks of a debilitating migraine were I was barely able to drag myself out of bed I made an appointment with the chiropractor. Omfg that changed my life. I need to make sure if I am feeling that way again to get there sooner. I only need to go once every 6 months but the difference it makes is amazing! Being this sick though makes me realise how wonderful it is to feel fit and healthy and how lucky I am to actually have my health and that I should be making the most of it. 

I have a very long way to go on this journey and I am still hoping for baby 4 at some point. I will be returning to work 3 days a week if possible in September so that will add a new dimentions to it all but that is why I want to blog it. To document my successes and my failure because let's be honest I am sure there will be day I completely fall off the wagon but having this blog will help make me accountable and get me back on the path to success. :) once I have the new blog up and running I will come back and post a link. 

For those that have followed me on my Jounrey to creating my family i thank you and I will come back and update in here with the significant things like the birth of our little man and perhaps also document out gender sway for the next bub when we decide to go down that path. We have both agreed we want to put 150% into the sway this time so documenting that will probably be good too. It will be a 6-12month process to ensure we give it out best shot. 

Lots of stuff to happen over the next 2 years and I am actually feeling very positive and excited about it :) 

Constantly being tested

So for a while now I have been feeling really good. Back into exercising and still eating really well. I have put on a bit of weight which I am annoyed at but oh well. 

I was really coming around to the idea I 4 boys. I know for sure we will have a 4th. I just feel its in my heart to have another. 

I was happy knowing it would be another boy, we will still give the whole gender sway anothe go but I was so sure it would be a boy that I was actually not even going to find out. If u have 3 of the same the chance of another the same is very high. Simply means ur good at making one gender. I could see 4 boys, I had said good bye to the little girl and moved on. 

But then FB comes at me. I am so considering signing off for good! Saw pics this morning of a mum with 3 boys gave birth to her little girl. So of course I think wow it is possible to have a girl after 3 boys. the last few days everything girl has been in my face. I had been dealing well until that. Dropping Tyler at daycare the director was telling me its her daughters formal on Wednesday and she is on the formal committee and all the stuff that got up to on the weekend. I will never have that. The dress shopping the getting ready none of it. I am trying to forget about it but seeing as I always pictured myself with a daughter until recently I am finding that the strength and resolve I am trying to have in letting go is continually being tested. Why? 

I have kinda stepped back from the world a bit so I don't have to be bombarded with all things girl but I just can't get away. Is it ever going to go away or will I always long for a daughter? 

Number 4 is a while away I will be returning to work etc as we have to buy a new car no if buts or maybes there. Part of the gender sway involves me losing all my weight which I am super keen to do anyway. I know some people can make girls when carrying extra weight but going by the only time I know for sure we made a girl both B and I were a lot lighter. Bub will probably be around 2 when we look to go again. 

On other news bubba boy is doing great. Well I think its still a boy. lol I refer to him as him and he all the time and did so through out the 20week scan. I asked the tech to confirm she glanced at his parts for 1/2 of a sec and went yep boy. I think I saw his bits in that brief moment. I had thought I saw 3 lines earlier when she was moving around looking at the stomach and stuff but I guess it was something else! I couldn't imagine him not being a boy now. Especially seeing as he has a name lol. Over half way now. Yay bring on march, can't wait to meet him. 

Collapsible exhaustion

Days like today I honestly don't know how to keep on going. Today is a bad day. Agh

So this morning the boys were up at 3:50am. WTF that isn't even a time of day. Its Blake that wakes then but by the time I give him a bottle and he starts to settle Tyler has woken up and his pita patter down the hall and the 'mummy' wakes Blake back up so we are up for the day. :( yuk. So now I am super over tired and everything is simply getting the better of me! 

Being so tired I wonder how on earth I can do it again. I know on my heart I have to, 3 boys is uneven and I just don't like it. Is there light at the end of that non sleeping tunnel. It's not the kids bit it's the pregnant bit, the pregnancy tiredness I hate it. At some point do u get some normality of life back? At what age are the kids when u can do stuff easily as a family without having to take the kitchen sink with u. Without having at least one lose it while ur out. 

Yesterday Tyler decided to run full pelt down an escalator I yelled at him to stop but it was too late. Needless to say he didn't win that fight. Cuts and bruises every where. 

Blake is teething so cries and whinges all day. Less sleep too. I thought he would have dropped to 1 day nap by now but nope and his naps are short he wakes up

Crying and still tried but will never go back to sleep. I'm thinking if he slept less during the day he would sleep longer at night and not was up at 3:50am. But when he does wake at that time there is no way he can't have that 8am nap. 

Then there is B. Agh over 2 months of not working and its beginning to do my head in. We have no money I feel like we are going no where. I hate this rental i would love to get excited about this little man and make his room his but u can't do much in a rental. We already have the furniture etc. Then its Blake's birthday in 4 weeks but again I can't do much about his big boy room. Tyler's big boy room is still unfinished and that's due to no money. 

There are no jobs out there but why can't he think long term? Put somethig into place now it might not start off earning much but u can build up from there. A dead end job is just that crap wage going no where. All we do is fight about it because I am pushing him all he wants to do is go fishing, watch tv, sleep and play video games. Well glad someone can have a holiday! 

I get no sleep no time to myself, 2 clingy whingy kids and I also have to stress about how we are going to pay bills. I have a 2 year old a nearly 1 year old and a 16year old. 

We sold our house because B went into business and now that's gone we have no house and equity no assets. All the work i did to build up to where we were gone! :( we live out here why? Its 2-3hours drive for me to get the high paying jobs again. Its expensive here due to it being on the bay and out of the city but still close to it. I want to move to the coast for lifestyle we don't like the city life and I'm happy to live and work to suit our lifestyle I don't need the big house an fancy car. Just don't know why we live here b just refuses to move why? 

I have a plan and I still want to do it all just days like today I wonder why it has to be so hard. I always worked hard saved money now I have nothing :( 

Ok going around in circles so stopping now. Making myself more annoyed. 

Busy bee with a plan

So much has been happening but nothing all at the same time. 

Tyler - super sooky 2 year old. He went through a couple of weeks of insane tantrums. No idea what it was about but thinking it was a mental growth spurt for him like everything flooding in was just too much sensory overload. He is fine now though strings 5-6 words together knows most of his colours, can count to six. Babbles pretty much all day. He is really clingy to me though not really sure what that is about but I'm enjoying the cuddles. 

Blake - omg can't believe he is 1 in 5 weeks. He is walking with assistance either he walking thing or holding one of our hands. He really wants to take off but he has a bit of a problem with his left leg. His foot really turns in. :( if it wasn't for this he would have taken off on his own already. I have an appointment with the CHN on the 21st nov so they can have a look a refer him to a paed if they think he needs it. I'm hoping with all the walking we are doing with him it will strengthen on its own and it will be fine by then. We will see I'm hoping it's not a hip problem. The folds at the back of his legs have never lined up but the nurse was never concerned. Other than that he is a happy little guy. Loves playing an giggling, oh and he loves 4-4:30 am. Wtf! I thought Tyler was an early riser at 5-5:30 but Blake takes the cake. 

He has started climbing everything. I remember Tyler was climbing everything but I feel Blake is doing it earlier he seems far too little for the stuff he gets up to. Monkey see monkey do too so everything Tyler does Blake follows and omg its scary. 

Bubba 3. 19weeks today. Omg its going quick. I have been sick the last week, upset tummy, the ms is back in full swing I have had diarrhea :( and just sore and cramps. I did some research it could just be my super healthy diet and restarting my exercise. Your body responds differently to these things when pregnant. I have jumped up 2kg since starting my exercise but that's normal for me just my body gaining te muscle it had lost. That should drop off again. I have put on 3.5 kg not including the last weeks 2kg and that's where i want to maintain which seeing as I was already bigger its fine :) I am ensuring I am getting all the required calories and nutrients for bub :) he is my biggest priority, I'm just doing it healthy this time. 

We have decided on a name. :) it may change but we both like it :) makes it more exciting. we will still call him bub until he is born just to make sure the name actually suits him. Finally my morph scan next Friday yay. That's taken forever to get here. Really looking forward to seeing him again. I have been feeling the odd movement here and there for about 3 weeks :( stupid anterior placenta. I love feeling the kicks its the best part. I really miss it. 

So the plan. 

I have been doing A LOT of thinking. I am so happy with my 3 boys, since finding out the gender I have really bonded a I can not wait till march to meet and cuddle him. At the same time though I was thinking I was done. I know deep down I'm not. 4 it will be for us. 

To get there though it's going to involve some planning. 

-bub  born end march 2014

-Get fit lose 15kg by sept 2014

- Get a job at a gym in admin is fine.

- Just work sept-dec14 2-3days a week lose another 10kg reach peak fitness and compete in as many mini triathlons and fun runs as possible

- Jan-dec2015 work 3days a week save to buy a new car and finish my certIV and diploma in fitness. 

- Sept14-April15 me on girl diet and supplements 

- Jan15 B start girl diet and supplements. 

- April 2015 start ttc#4 

- If we are still super fertile and concieve first cycle again mat leave dec15 bub due jan 16. 

Yep that's my plan lol. Although we want 4 i would still love a girl and B has agreed to throw everything into gender swaying. Another boy would be awesome too 4 boys will have so much fun growing up but we will give it what we can to try for a girl. We discussed the gender selection thing and it's not for us. We are lucky to fall pregnant easily and any baby we are blessed with is a true miracle :) 

It's going to be a fast busy few years. 4 kids under 5 it wil be super crazy but omg fun. Wouldn't have it any other way. Love my family. :) 

Very sensitive post

For those go might get upset reading about anything to do with gender disappointment please do yourself a favour and don't read any further.


So since finding out our little baby is a boy I have been going through very extreme emotions. It's not the gender disappointment people expect. I am happy this is a boy he is who he is and I can't wait to meet him and hold him and watch him grow. The feelings I have are in regards to the girl I so badly want. I don't know why I want a daughter so bad. I always saw myself with a girl, I always wanted to be a mum of a daughter. She doesn't have to be a girlie girl into dolls or anything like that I simply just want a girl who ever she turns out to be.

This want has been making me so angry and sad all at the same time. I am tired and with me stupidly thinking this was a girl I thought I was done. I could get on with having my family etc. being a boy means there is no way I can stop at 3. Problem is there is only a 50/50 chance it will end up a girl and having so many boys its likely to be a boy again. How many boys can someone have before the urge for a girl goes away? I never saw myself with a massive family.

This being the case I have been doing some researching on overseas options for PGD gender selection. This of course brings another whirl wind of emotions.
There are so many women having to go though Ivf and PGD for medical reasons this would be a choice for a little girl. I feel guilty about this but I can't help this pain I am feeling. I can't go through the pain of hearing yet again we aren't having that daughter. Sure every boy I had I would love I don't doubt that but every time I would have to grieve that little girl.

I'm angry that I am having to resort to this or even think about it. This too makes me feel guilty because again their are women out there struggling for a baby at all or who would have given anything for their baby to be healthy.

I feel like I'm not entitled to these feelings. That because I have 3 healthy boys I should be happy with that.

I considered hypnotherapy to get rid of that want feeling but after doing some reading women who had tried this say they go through these waves of emotions again and again trough out their life. I don't want to get to 50 start going though menopause and really regret not giving it everything I could have for a girl. The science is there why can't I take advantage of it? I have given the world a good share of boys why can't I have 1 girl?
I wish I could have done it naturally but it wasn't meant to be.
So I am looking into how much it is to do it with Genea and their overseas Thailand lab superior ART. We would be looking at early 2015 if its possible.
I don't know if it is, maybe the law in Australia will change before then I know they are reviewing it this year and if it does great make it all so much easier but if not i would still like them all together just have to assess over the next 12month the options and start saving. I will lose weight after bub is born to get down to 75kg to ensure we can go ahead with it all.

It's a difficult decision to make but gender disappointment is real.

Gender revealed

So the news is in we are having another gorgeous little boy :)
I was upset at first not because its a boy but because I'm sad I won't have a daughter. I came to terms with it really quick though and I'm just so happy he is healthy. I'm so looking forward to meeting him in march. I wonder what he will look like having 2 complete opposites in Tyler as Blake. I know how lucky we are to be able to fall pregnant so easily. What is meant to be is :) if that's all boys as long as they are healthy then I am happy :)

My stupid mind won't stop churning now. I was set on 3 but not I'm not sure. Not for the wanting a girl now I know if we go for 4 it will be another boy it more that 3 is an uneven number that bothers me. 2 boys and a girl wouldn't have been so bad but 3 boys I can see so many 2 against one fights.
Financially at this point 4 would never be an option as we would need another car.

I need to return to work and still want to achieve those things on my list in the next few years. I have decided to get the implant once I stop bfing. I was thinking then we reassess and see if we want another. If we do not B then get the ship.
The gap would bother me having the first 3 so close then a 4 year gap but unless I win the lotto there is no other option.

At this point I certainly do not see it viable but I would still like to leave our options open. Problem with that is I don't really want to store baby still for 4 years. If we didn't have to buy a new car we could just have another close 4 boys makes it so much cheaper as until they are old enough hand me downs are not a problem.

Maybe I should try entering the lotto hahaha

Food

So what does my new eating plan look like?
Well basically for breakfast I have a
Scrambled egg thingy. First I put in the chickpeas and soften them up. I put a little salt in with them seeing as bub needs iodine haha then I add diced mushrooms, cherry tomatoes and zucchini. Once they have cooked a little I put in 2 eggs and a small amount of cheese.
YUMMO!

For morning tea I have fruit and fat free Greek yogurt.

Lunch is grilled chicken and salad rye wraps

Snack is handful of mixed raw nuts

Dinner is varied sometimes grilled fish and salad sometimes fresh made chicken kebabs with a sweet potato mash. I try an mix dinner up a bit but keep it healthy.
B ordered pizza the other night and whilst it was yummy I felt so sick afterward.

I do have cake, biscuits or chocolate if I get a craving which I do. I have such a ba sweet tooth at the moment. Love cake and donuts. Yum!

I have put on a kilo in the last couple of days :( not sure why. I have been doing so much around the house and my quads are killing me so I guess it was kinda exercise! Who knows. Stupid damn kilo. Grrr will see what it does next week. I will just keep eating healthy. Haven't started exercising yet :( I really want to but we have just been so busy. Hopefully it will calm down after this week and I can start next week. Other than my gender scan wed we have nothing else on. Yay! I need to do it after dinner though as its the only real time I get. For some reason I just get sucked into neighbours and home and away. Stupid seeing as they are crap!
I know once I will get started I will be fine its just that first one!

Feeling good but sick again

So as the title suggests I'm feeling good but after 3 weeks of our house being sickness free we all now have a cold again. I know Tyler brings it home from daycare and normally I wouldn't catch it but being pregnant my body just picks everything up. Grrrr this is my 3rd cold now the last one went for a month and a half. I've upped the vitC so hopefully it goes away quicker this time.

I'm loving the 'clean' eating. It's in inverted commas because its not completely clean because I'm pregnant. I'm still eating cheese and egg yolks, yogurt, cows milk etc.
I was supposed to do the veggie garden yesterday but I got busy scrubbing the house for tomorrow's inspection. At least now its spotless. The only thing bothering me is the mould on the glider chair in the nursery. I am going to get a new one but I haven't seen a decent one come up yet.

The pregnancy is plodding along. I don't feel pregnant at all. I know this stage is normally like this but I don't really remember it to this level the last 2 pregnancies. Maybe because I have less time to stop and bond?
I do have a new pregnancy symptom this time and I don't like it. Rage. I fly off the handle so easily. I feel angry and annoyed almost all of the time. It's like bad PMS all the time. Not enjoyable.

8 days until we find out boys or girl. It's a little frustrating because I could have found out this week. Damn holidays lol. All good next wed will be here before I know it.

Tyler being sick is going through a non listening stage. Doesn't help when we are toilet training. He had been doing so well but now he is sick we are having lots of accidents again. Hopefully if we persist he will get it again.

Little Blake is loving his free standing. I thought he was going to take his first step step. He stood there for ages and I could see he was thinking about it but in the end he just lunged forward at me. Can't believe he is double digits this week. 10 months already. Where on earth has 10months gone.

New direction

So u may have noticed a blog name change :) over the next few weeks I'm going to transition my blog. It's been a blog about ttc and family and kids for years now and whilst I will continue to blog these things it's time for a change.

Ever since I went on Maternity leave in June 2011 I knew it was going to be hard to return to the work force. Not only as a job in my profession means a lot of travel and time away from the kids sadly my heart was never in it. Over the past 2 and a bit years I have continually looked through the job websites looking at what is out there and where I wanted to be when I headed back to work.

I have thought about a few things including teaching but again I never felt the burning desire to do it, it was more about a good job for my family.

Now before I met B I was really into my fitness I trained around 2 hours every day ate really well etc. I weighed 63kg mainly because my weekend lifestyle of a 23 year old wasn't the best I did like to go out and drink.

Now when I met B he isn't into health and fitness at all, I was working and would travel to stay at his place every night he worked 5 mins walk from home so would cook dinner for when I got there. He loved cooking home made pizza and basically all heavy carb laden stuff. A few years in and I got back into my health and fitness got down to 70kg and completed a certIII in personal training. I was due to complete my cert4 when I fell pregnant with Tyler and I couldn't complete the physical/practical stuff so had to put it on hold. Just over 2 years later pregnant again I still can't do it but I can build myself up to get back to my health and fitness peak.

I have put together a healthy clean eating plan that contains my calorie requirements whilst pregnant and covers all food groups so no nutrients are missing. I am also writing a plan of building up my exercise to 4-5 light sessions a week. I am sufferering bad psd pain so it will be a slow gradual thing.

During this time though I am going to implement a healthy diet focusing on learning clean eating for the whole family. They could all do with cutting out the crap. I won't cut out main food groups though as wheat and dairy etc are all important to growing children and I don't want them developing a permeant allergy.

I am going to re do my veggie garden to make it much better and more manageable.

I do not intend to lose any weight whilst pregnant I simply want to improve my health and slowly build fitness. I am currently 88kg. Have to start somewhere right.

I have a few goals in place for the next 12-18months and I'm looking forward to striving to achieve them.

My main goal is to get into the health and fitness industry as a profession. I know its not all the high paying but I don't care. I have never been about money and being rich. I just want my bills paid and to be happy. If that means doing something I love over doing something for a bucket load of money that's way more important.

Goals (next 6months whilst pregnant)
1. Eat healthy and nutritionally developing and learning more about clean eating
2. Slowly build to 4-5days 40mins light exercise
3. Rebuild veggie and herb garden
4. Declutter and thoroughly clean house (nesting instinct kicking in perhaps)

12months after pregnancy
1. 60kg by march 2015
2. Gold Coast, brisbane and Sunshine Coast think pink triathlons end 2014
3. Get a job in health and fitness industry
4. Start cert4 personal training
5. Start training for full triathlon to compete in late 2015/early 2016

I feel really good and so positive about this :) I finally feel like I have direction.

I haven' talked to B about this as he is going through his own transitional stage. This is partly what promoted mine as it would have been good if I could have returned to work for 6 months leading up to the birth to help him have some time out but I couldn't get a job.
B has given up his business he couldn't cope any more mentally or physically. He has put an application to Join the police force. That's a long slow process and can take 4-6months before u find out if u do or don't make it. In the mean time he has 3 months off work with a medical cert and hopefully he will be able to return to work Soon enough.
I will spend a good 6-12months working away at all this and when B is in a better place talk to him about it :)

Massive few weeks

First big thing was Tyler turned 2! I am still in shock that he is already 2. It goes so fast. He had a small family BBQ which was nice. We didn't spoil him as he already has so many toys we got him a bike and some craft stuff.

2nd was I enrolled them in school on his birthday. That's just crazy. Big relief though it has been on my to do list for SO long. It wasn't my original choice but after doing hours and hours of research I really liked this school.

Next was little berry is now past 12weeks. Had my NT scan today and it blows me away how much they change in such a short period of time. Bub measured ahead at 13weeks today. No indication of gender. It was a different scan place but some how I got the same lady who refused a nub shot for blake's 12week scan. So annoyed. I didn't want her to guess I just wanted her to give me a nub shot! :( now I still have 3 weeks to wait.

Oh yeah and we are potty training Tyler. He has been in undies since Thursday last week. Other than sleep times of course. I think it will take him a lot longer to be dry during nap.

What else. It looks like B might have arthritis. :( it runs in the family unfortunately. So he has said good bye to his business and is now looking at options. He is at a police recruitment seminar tonight. I'm a little worried a out money but trying to not think about it too much.

That's it really. Blake is doing well. Cutting 2 top teeth and not enjoying it at all. Such a cheeky happy boy most of the time though :)

Slack

I thought it had been a while. Hasn't been much to update though.

Tyler turns 2 next week. Very exciting. He is still a complete chatter box. Where on earth has 2 years gone.

Blakey is doing great. He spends 3/4 of his time on his feet and is getting stronger. He mostly just hold on with 1 hand now and the other day let go for a couple of seconds. He has learnt to wave and clap. Associates his mum mum and dad dad. He is just a happy cheeky little man.

Berry is going well. 10+4 now slowly getting there. Still 13days until my NT scan. So far away. Being basically 12+5 when I have that scan I'm hoping they might be able to guess gender to 75-80% that would be good. :) still waiting until the 16week scan to confirm it but at least then I have a rough idea on what to expect. Still eating a ton of fruit. It's all I ever feel like. It's making dinner prep really hard. I just don't have the stomach for anything and I'm just cooking and usually the food turns out crap!

Certainly can't hide the bump now though. No one has been game enough to ask me if I'm pregnant. Surely I don't just look fat. I feel I'm getting a lot wider this time. With the boys my waist stayed the same I just expanded out the front. This time i feel like I'm way wider. I still have only put on 2kg but nothing fits me around the middle and hips. All my maternity clothes are huge in the legs though. Just makes me look scruffy.

I still feel that little berry is a girl and its is definitely driving me completely insane. If there was a test that could find out I would so do it right now. At 10+4 the nub is still the same boy or girl so even having an u/s would make no difference. It would be so much easier if I had a boy feeling. If I didn't think it was a girl I wouldn't need to know so badly. I'm scared I'm setting myself up for a fall. I won't be sad its a boy I will be sad I will never ever have my little princess. 5weeks2days till I find out. Omg that seems like AGES!

I love 2 year olds

So Tyler turns 2 in 3 weeks and I have to say I LOVE this age. He has changed so much in the last couple of months. I can have conversations with him, he understand so much more and I can sit down a reason with him about things. He is a complete chatterbox and is such a happy fun kid. He hasn't thrown a tantrum in ages and he is actually really good when I take both boys grocery shopping. Yesterday he just chatted away and kept pointing at things and saying what they were. That was until he decided to squeal really high pitched which he thought was absolutely hilarious so for about 20mins he would squeal then laugh hysterically. people just kept looking at us but I wasn't going to tell him to be quiet he was having fun and enjoying himself.

I weighed him this morning and he is down to 13.9 so he has actually lost about 600g. He has been eating really well lately but he is a ball of energy all the time. He is really lean now and of course really tall at about 92cm. I have been meaning to ring the CHN and book him in for his 2year check up. I think he is perfectly fine though so do I need to? I do want to book him into the dentist and optimist though. I am not worried about his eyes but I have top level health insurance so I might as well have him checked and his teeth well they say you should have them checked within the first year of them cutting their first tooth.

Little Blake is doing so well at the moment. He spends more time on his feet than he does crawling. he has finally mastered the sitting down bit. yay. I no longer have to go rescue him every time he stands up. He is still a super sleeper. He has been waking once a night for a feed which is a bit frustrating but hopefully its just a phase that will pass.  I am thinking he wants more solids so yesterday I started giving him more and he slept until 4:30am and then went back to sleep until 8am. His little personality is really coming out now. He has started waving which is super cute. he also loves to frown at u. if you do anything baby like eg cute baby noises he just gives you this raised eye brow WTF are you doing look. haha

Little Berry seems to be going super strong too.  Picked up (I want to say her) its HB on the doppler at 7+6. such an amazing sound. got it again last night and it was 180 :) so perfect. There have been so many losses in my march DIG it always freaks me out. I am so glad I have the doppler there to reassure me.
So I have my 12 week scan booked for the 16th Sept. the scan place only lets you book at 12 1/2 weeks which is good as I hit 12weeks on Tyler's birthday so its good that he will get his day and we wont actually announce berry until after the gender scan which is booked for the 9th Oct. A whole week later than I was hoping. My OB is away the week before. A whole week is going to kill me lol! I still have such a strong overwhelming feeling its a girl. Most of the time I am saying her or she. I just need to know if I am completely bat sh*t crazy and its a boy and thats that. 7 weeks today until we find out. OMFG that seems like AGES away.