Pure white rage!

For me this is the angriest u could ever get! So blinding u feel like and could possibly do unimaginable things!

I have felt this twice in my life. The first time when I found out my ex of 4 years (my first in every way) had been sleeping with someone else (as well as me) for 3months!

The 2nd time was last night! And I am still feeling the remnants of it today! I had my uncles 50th and I was just going to take Tyler with me and put him down in the porta cot. Problem was the party started at 4 and Tyler's bed time isn't until at least 7. This wouldn't have been a problem except there were so many smokers there and I just couldn't escape the smoke and I really do hate exposing Tyler to it!

So I knew ex DH (yep now has the ex in front of it) wasn't doing anything and thought well we have to get used to this co sharing thing so asked if he could come get him and look after him for a bit and he did.

I got home around 9:30pm. I thought everything was fine but it did seem that ex DH was drunk as he was slurring a bit but saw no evidence of drinking so brushed it off. I have to learn to trust him to look after Tyler and that he would be responsible enough to stay sober! A drink or 2 fine but still functioning) Omg how fast that feeling changed.

I was getting ready for bed and noticed the nursery door open and went to close it as it's been raining and the dogs get wet and I didn't want them sleeping on it.

As I closed the door i heard the fan in the spare bathroom going and thought ex DH had left it on or accidentally turned it on after he gave Tyler a bath as I do it all the time and popped my head in the flick it off!

Oh no. This is when the rage switch flicked on! He had been f**king smoking pot. Tyler is in his care and he is stoned. I could not believe it anything could have happened!

I lost my Sh*t at this point. I went 100% psycho! (omg never come between a mother and her child u will not win) I kicked him out whilst screaming and throwing everything I could at him! He just didn't understand why I was so angry which made me even angrier!

I locked him and and told him to not come back! He can get his stuff after Tyler and I move out on Tuesday! He didn't dare come back thank goodness because i am still furious this morning and I don't know what I will do when I see him again! I know I certainly will not be nice or amicable!

Thing is I am so so so angry at myself. I trusted this loser! What if something had happened to Tyler I would never be able to forgive myself!

So now he has lost all visiting rights. If he wants to see him he can take me to court and I will only allow supervised visits and he will have to get regular drug testing done to prove he isn't using!

Even stupider of me I didn't realise till this morning that he picked him up! He drove stoned with my son in the car! I have seen people drive stoned before they r so impaired! I am livid.

So yep that was my eventful evening! So next 2 days will be spent packing to get out of here Tuesday! No taking a couple of days to move! I will be getting removalists on and we r gone!

I was so happy to give my little man a big hug when he woke up this morning. The thought of something happening to him omg I just wouldn't recover.

Not sure how long it will take me to calm down from this but it won't be any time soon!