CD9

So its been a few days, I am plodding along nicely. Definitely in a different state of mind now. Passing that milestone really helped me completely move on. I feel like I am back at the start now. I have no urgency feeling to TTC, I feel like I have my life back in the blink of an eye. All without doing anything.

Snap and my world changed. It is good though to have this sense of complete calm. I know I will have a baby. I don't know when but I only get one shot at this life so I might as well live it and when bubby does come we will be so happy. This is definitely my last month TTC. Next month it will be nothing, no temping, no charting, no drugs. And I actually feel really peaceful because of that.

I am still preparing the nursery by painting the furniture and the walls etc and slowly buying baby stuff. We will need it eventually.

I have been catching up with heaps of my friends that I haven't seen in ages because I have been so caught up in the world of TTC and they simply don't understand it. But its been nice catching up with them all and realising there is a world full of excitement out there.

Went for a run yesterday. So looking forward to finding some fitness again. I ran well but it was a fast run, walk, fast run walk lol! Very unfit, but you have to start somewhere. Our gym as been cleared out after months of being a storage room so I am looking forward to getting back in there! Need to re strengthen my core. With my spina bifida occulta my lower back can cause me a lot of grief and I need strong core muscles. Something I have really let go recently.

Finally I just wanted to say a great big heart felt thank you to all those that sent me hugs and thoughts and kind worlds over the last week or so. I did go through a tough week and the support from you all was unwavering and so very greatly appreciated. I don't know what I would have done without you all. You girls are my rock! All of you :) and from the bottom of my heart I thank you!

GJ you are in my thoughts every minute of my day. I really hope you and bub will be OK. I have been sending you telepathic stickiness in hope that it helps bubby stick it out for either full term or at least till he/she can come out safely. I honestly don't understand why this horrible shit has to keep happening. Its good to see your trying to stay positive it must be so hard for you and your an amazing woman to keep strong. Big hugs beautiful.

Summa :( :( :( :( again more horribleness! Just want to give u a really really big hug. So sorry that again this wasn't your month! It truly just isn't fair! Boo to the universe!

GS!!!! YAY!!! WOOHOO!! your body is working...your body is working......I really hope that 100mg clomid slapped your body into action and it fully follows through now! All you need to do is go get jiggy with it :P

Nani! I agree bloods don't lie and YAY! Shows how much temps really can be wrong. And your progesterone is awesome! Bring on that nice temp dip in a few days and the wonderful two lines! :)

My temps are nice and steady and have dropped early, may mean i ovulate a day or two earlier but we will see. still at least a week off anyway! But its all good anyway, my new, happy, fun frame of mind has us both overly randy for each other lol! so I think we will be fine in that department! Its like we are two high school kids again. We were doing chores yesterday and seeing him working away in his welding helmet set me off!! lol its like i was on heat! hahahaha funny stuff

Well back to work! hoping for a promotion and pay rise! wouldn't it be nice!

Happy Birth-Day

To my beautiful gorgeous little girl,

Happy birth day! Daddy and I would have loved you to have joined us today but we understand you couldn't stay but you will always hold a special spot in our hearts and we will never forget you.

Daddy and I are ready to welcome another little one into our lives now and if its you ready to come back to us we would be so delighted. If its a little brother or sister, please watch over them and protect them.

Love you always and forever mummy and daddy.

I am OK about it all today. More at ease than I was. Today it just feels like I am simply remembering her and etching this day into my memory forever. I feel like it has given me a sense of calm.

26/06/2010

Tough times

So I think I really really underestimated this week and how hard it truly was going to be. I guess riding on that I was going to be pregnant by now probably meant that I hadn't dealt with it enough but I can't change that now and I am just glad my DH is so understanding and forgiving.

I put him through hell this week but I honestly had no idea who to deal with the emotions that I was feeling. I pushed the whole world away. I honestly felt like I was going to implode!

But having my friends baby arrive yesterday was the hard part I knew was coming. Seeing her little boy and hearing all about the birth. It really hit home! I hit rock bottom I think but I managed to pull myself up and I feel much stronger today.

It was a bad week all round, AF hormones and emotions, not pregnant, Clomid, my little girls Bday, the birth of my friends baby that was 1 week a head of me! I just lost it. I have never had to deal with that much emotion before and I have to say I probably handled it really bad, probably due to the influence of clomid.

DH and I stopped talking for a bit. Guess I honestly just didn't know how to handle it all. We cuddle last night and I guess he knew I was hurting but didn't know what to say or how to help. But the cuddles were enough. Having that warmth and love next to me was what I really needed. I guess I am lucky I have such a wonderful man. He may not know what to do but he definitely understands.

Well I still have tomorrow to go. But hopefully with my hormones settling after AFs departure and the clomid round finished, I will have a bit more of a level head!

Tomorrow will mark the final milestone from my first miscarriage. Perhaps now I can truly move on and be open and ready for a new baby to join our lives.

new arrival

So my friend that was 1 week ahead of me gave birth yesterday. So happy for them but it hurts like hell!

oh well suck it up and move on!

Limbo Land

So here I am trying to regain my life! So far so good. Not much in the way of baby thinking going on and its nice. Went for a run yesterday, had a nice relaxing sauna, was like the old days.

But all this and for some reason I still have to come into my job everyday. I have to passion or interest in it anymore. I have so much work to do but I just can't be bothered. I was only here for maternity leave, so now I am not thinking about babies I don't see the point in being here. I do still have a ton of responsibilities and commitments so a job is definitely required, and this one pays well for what I do, so I am still stuck! YUK

I had a thought this morning, it would be so nice to open a pet motel. I LOVE animals. couldn't have enough of them, but by law you are only allowed so many. That or an animal rescue. So all those that have been at animal shelters too long and are on death row, I could take them in and house them until I was able to find a home for them. That would require a massive lottery win though. Even though it would be for a good cause I don't see me winning 10Mil anytime soon! I am sure the universe would rather give it to an 18year old who will blow it on clothes, cars, drugs and alcohol! It keeps giving my baby to them so why not that too!

LOL so cynical! Can't help myself.

One of my former SWB friends is in a little trouble. I have been praying for her and her baby. I really do hope they pull through with flying colours. Seriously the universe has some punching gloves on at the moment and just seems to be taking a swipe at everyone!

two of my other TTC friends are really struggling too. comes back to seriously how much can one person take? Seriously time to give them a ray of light and let them out of this dark tunnel you find the need to keep them in!

Summa is having some awesome UTD symptoms. I really hope this is it for her. I will seriously be coming at you with aeroplanes if your playing games with her!

Still trying to decide how I am going to manage to find a way to go see someone. Although in saying that I have been to see someone before and I know what they will say, and I know how to get myself out of this whole! I am tired of being a sad angry person, I want to be myself again and only I can achieve that! I need to stop dwelling and feeling sorry for myself and hard done by. I need to suck up my shit, swallow a mouthful of cement and harden the F**K up! I am not sure if this tactic will work but I have tried a few others and come up failure so this is the next one to try!

Control

Control is a funny thing. We are always searching for some type of control. And today I found mine and my sanity and peace!

This is the end of TTC for me. I have started taking clomid this cycle so I will continue, and I will also temp through till the end of this cycle but TTC is over. No more not doing something in case I am pg. The biggest one is exercise. I haven't done any recently as I was petrified of a miscarriage. Well no more. I know what is healthy and what is not. I wont go over board but definitely need to exercise. Run every AM and walk every evening. Throw in some core exercises and pilates and we are set. Nothing extreme but a must have. No more opk's, no more hpts unless AF is late, no more analysis of everything, cause honestly symptoms means nothing! I had them all no pregnancy, some women have none and end up pregnant! its all a game of chance!

I have to say I am already feeling better about it. If the universe has some other plan for me than being a mum I have to accept that and move on. I just have to hope that eventually it does show me the path cause at the moment I am walking around aimlessly. I know this may be hindering things and my clock is ticking with only a few good baby years a head of me but its all good all the time!I can do this!

CD2

Not much to say today, I am limiting my brain from thinking so that I don't think about certain things. In that I now can't seem to function. Turning off my brain worked way better than I thought it would. I imagine this is what it would feel to be drugged up in a metal hospital.

CD2, that explains itself.
Saturday is the 26th! don't want to know about it. I know its going to hurt but I am trying to keep that until the actual day.

I am also thinking my friend has given birth as she was due last week, but I am too scared to contact her as this is going to be a tough week. I am so wonderfully happy for her, but it will make my pain even worse.

As my brain is off for now I think my blogs are going to be very limited and far between.

I am very tired of the whole game.