4w6d

So yesterday lets just say I had a big of a freak out!

I grabbed a hpt while we were out getting dinner last night. firstly OMG Christmas is definitely the time of year for trying to get pregnant!! They were almost all out of hpt, I couldn't believe it.  Anyway they had a cheap FR so I thought I would just grab it.  Now I had drunk about 4L water yesterday, and TMI alert but had a little bit of diarrhea when I got home from work. But at the time none of this factored into my mind! lol that would be smart! So anyway I got home and didn't really need to go to the bathroom but wanted to test so forced myself to go.  To my horror this is what I got.

 The test line seems so light!!!!! Anyway when I got my head around it I decided to read the packet.  This test is for use only after your AF is late.  The ones I had been using were for use up to 6 days before AF was due.  So The sensitivity would have been totally different.  I still wasn't happy though I really didn't like seeing the lighter line. Anyway I went out this morning and upped the arsenal! 3 high sensitivity FRs and 1 Digital Clue blue that is supposed to estimate conception date.  I will keep the digital till tomorrow morning but this is the FR.

The test line is exceptionally darker than the control. lol this made me feel so much better! Its amazing how a little pee stick can make you worry so much.
So this is the comparison of the 3FRs I have done. Top one 12DPO middle 15DPO and bottom is 20DPO.

Symptoms are good.  My bbs are still sore, heaps of CM. No real cramps just the occasional twinge which is great. and the foggy brain still going on. No MS to speak of yet really some nausea but thats about it. I don't expect anything though until around 6weeks.  So all in all good minus the little freak out! lol

Well best get back to the house work!!! 5 weeks tomorrow WOOHOO!!!

4w5d

I am feeling good today.  I have the feeling that bubba is growing strong and I usually have good intuition.  I have definitely learnt to go with those instincts because they usually turn out right!

My bbs are sore again today and I still have the heart burn and always hungry.  Mostly thats about it but really it is so very early still.  Nearly 5 weeks though! YAY! I am going to buy some hpts on my way home, I wouldn't mind testing again.  Most of the time I don't even feel pregnant its just nice to see those reassuring lines.

I will get to have some bloods early next week which is good.  I think the results will come back all good but I just like to see those figures.  Have to book in for my first scan on Monday too.  I have left it a little no point booking in too early.  Hoping to get in on the 24th. 7w1d! apparently thats 17days away! hehe. Love those desktop tickers. 50days till bubba is safe!!!!!

Apparently today according to my little day by day guide mum's blood volume begins to increase!!  Interesting!

Its will also be interesting to see.  Ever since the morning I saw those two lines I have been thinking a boy. Wonder if it will be! I would be over the moon with either.  only 35 weeks till I found out lol!

Well time for an early lunch. 4hour till home time! WHOOHOO!!!

4w4d ramblings

Wow seriously tired just doesn't cut it this morning. I need a stronger word. I feel like I have been hit by a bus! A friend said she didn't get any morning sickness but just had a hangover feeling every day. hmm guess this is what she meant. 

Feeling good again today. CM has finally arrived. I've had been fairly dry but also really dehydrated. Being back at work I drink more due to the air con so yep CM is here. My bbs are still sore, not excessively today like they have been but I have been pregnant before and they have grown two sizes since all this began, figure they don't really have much more growing to do. The nipples are really painful now. Can't even touch them, so I figure thats another good sign. 

So I am going off that I will get to keep my baby and he/she will be here in September. Thats so exciting! But going by that I will probably take maternity leave from early/mid aug and I will go part time from mid June. I have enough holidays that I can just use them and ensure that I still get my full maternity leave. Would be annoying to work full time for nearly 4 years at this job and then drop part time in the last few months and get reduced maternity leave. 

So thats a little exciting too. Although my job is OK and I love the girls I work with I am not challenged here anymore. I have thought about changing jobs many times but when TTC you want to stick around so you get leave entitlements. 

Found out yesterday that our God son's christening is on the 17th April. Thats VERY exciting! I will be 19weeks then! I would be so good to not have to work and the days would just fly by, I only want to get to the 27th Feb! lol but I am not sure how long I would last at home without getting bored. 4weeks is probably the max I could do. I would be able to get so much done though! 

So I might sound like I am completely rambling, well I am. One of the biggest things for me and it was the same as last time is this foggy brain thing. Just general tasks I really struggle with. I couldn't focus when driving this morning, getting ready in the morning is a real challenge. I loose everything. All of this is very abnormal for me. The funny thing is well its not actually funny but I can pin point the exact day my baby died last time. I was working in the biosafety cabinet at work, and I was working efficiently my mind was clear. I knew something wasn't right from that moment. I remember the exact moment the thought ran through my head! When I went for the scan and she told me my baby had died at 6w3d I counted back and yep sure enough it was that day! 

It been so long since those pregnancies but being pregnant again has resurfaced all those things that happened. I remember everything like it was yesterday. So much of it I had forgotten about. 
OK more rambling coming  now many of you that read this blog already know my story but I am getting it out again because I feel I need to. 

for the first pregnancy, I remember the first pregnancy test I did and getting that positive, being so blissfully happy, because I didn't know my dates the Dr sent me for a dating scan. Lying there on the bed thinking I was 7w5d. The technician finding bubs but having that concerned look on her face. Having to do an internal and saying she couldn't find a heart beat but saying it was early it just might not be there yet. But I knew better I was measuring a week out. I remember getting dressed I felt so numb, walking out of the scan place and just falling to pieces. I have never ever cried so much in my life. I waited an hour for the results and then I had to go see my Dr. I can still see the letters FDIU!!!! I had never seen them before but I knew straight away it mean fetus died in utero. I was guttered. it was the 12th Nov 2009. After that it was a blur. had my 27th birthday two days later then appointments and surgery etc. 

I then joined BH and joined the miscarriage support threads. They helped me so much. Then my Dec cycle is when things really got messy. I ovulated late, I was charting so I had my normal temp rise on CD14 (although now I know I normally ovulate CD13) but then it rose again on CD18. I wasn't worried too much as AF arrived on time on CD27. BDing a few days later I had spotting. I thought hmm weird. Ignored it. 2 days later BDed again some thing. I actually got really upset at this point thinking my cycles were out and I would be out of the running again that cycle. When I finally got my head together, I am not sure what made me actually test but I did a Hpt! OMFG it was positive. I couldn't believe it. I wanted to be excited but I knew it wasn't right. Anyway I spent the next 5 hours at the hospital. I am A Neg DH is Bpos so I needed to get an AntiD injection due to the spotting. I got this very incompetent Dr that was trying to tell me that sperm can cause false positives on pregnancy tests and I would need a blood test. Seriously WTF? Most women know this isn't the case but if a Dr says so they would question it but I know this isn't the case. Being a biomedical scientist I know exactly how a pregnancy test works. Its an Elisa based assay that uses antibodies to detect the hormone hCG. If its not present you wont get a positive. And sperm definitely does NOT contain any hCG hormone. Anyway so I waited for the bloods. Yep hCG 190 at 15DPO not including the AF bleed. So anyway BDing stopped and in turn so did the spotting. the following weekend at what would have been 5 weeks I was doing some house work and getting ready to meet a friend for coffee and I felt an odd pain. I knew straight away that it was over. I knew as soon as I went to the toilet I would see blood. And sure enough I was miscarrying. Went to the Dr, had bloods done and hCG was falling. About a week later I noticed my bbs looked odd. They looked like pregnancy bbs. Again I just knew something was wrong. I knew my hCG was going back up again. I had kept all my hpt's to monitor them getting lighter, so I did another one and compared it. Yep it was darker. Off to the Dr I traveled again, more bloods, and of course I was right hCG was increasing. My poor Dr didn't know what to do to me so he referred me to an OBGYN. I think I am the most interesting cause this Dr has had. I explained my back ground to him, he was very confused by it all. I had monitoring bloods every 2nd day for about 3 months. I had internal ultrasounds every 2nd week for about 2 months. Eventually when they couldn't find anything at all on the ultrasound and my hCG was doubling the Dr rushed me in for emergency surgery because the only explanation was an ectopic. That was very scary because its can be a life threatening problem. It all came back clear though so we kept monitoring bloods. Eventually it slowed down and wasn't doubling anymore so the Dr rang me and told me the pregnancy wasn't viable. That was the 6th Feb 2010. Again I was gutted. Although I knew in my heart it wasn't right you have to hold some sort of hope, its the only way you can get through. I went home that afternoon and since I had been on an exercise ban from the Dr I decided to go for a run to clear my head. I was so angry I ran so hard and for so long and I made it really really hurt, I wanted to run away from the pain run away from all the sadness and hurt. 

Anyway that night at 9pm the pain started. I ran to the toilet and the bleeding begun. I had never seen or felt anything like it. I had bled before and had the cramps but this was about 10thousand times worse! The clots were the size of my hand and every time I passed one I would have contraction like cramps. I couldn't get off the toilet because I was bleeding so much so I by 1:15am I was considering going to the hospital. But at 1:30 I passed a clot and I just knew it was over. I went to bed for a couple of hours but had to be up at 4:30 am so I could get to work. I had an appointment with my OBGYN that afternoon for an injection of methotrexate. I had been put into a category of pregnancy of unknown location and although I bled so heavily the night before I had bled before and it hadn't removed all the pregnancy tissue. 

After that my hCG fell really dramatically. We had to have a 3 month break to let the methotrexate get out of my system. Once we started trying again we thought we would fall pregnant easily has we had twice before both times we tried. 7 months down the track and nothing. Again I knew something wasn't adding up! Everyone just kept telling me to give it time. I am really in tune with my body, and when I don't think somethings right then its not. Finally my OBGYN after trying his basic artillery of fertility meds referred me to an IVF specialist. He was a lovely man but thought we should wait till April 2011 when we had been back TTC for 12months. I wasn't happy with this so he agreed to go back and do some very basic tests. He said there is a possibility that the tubes could have become blocked from the miscarriages but it was very unlikely at about a 1% chance. He sent me for a dye test and low and behold my right tube was 100% blocked!!!!! 

I had surgery to clear it on the 13th Dec and on the 19th we conceived this little peanut that I can carrying now. 

Going through all of that as I said feels like it was all yesterday. Its so clear in my mind! I am feeling much better about this little one but I know things can change in a day. I also know that if anything is going to happen I can't stop it. I am just hoping for me that 3rd time lucky and its about time I had some luck because I have had my fair share of bad luck.

Wow if you made it that far! Enough ramblings for one day!!!

w4d3

So I am going to try to update this everyday, hopefully it will help the time pass. 1 Day at a time!!

Feeling good about things today. Bad bad heartburn, bbs still sore and now growing. Almost time for new bras. those cramps are there but I am not too worried about them.  I know what miscarriage cramps feel like and they are nothing like that. They do how ever get worse when I am tired. Not painful or anything but I do like to lie down. I don't want to stress peanut out even thought at this point it only a bunch of cells starting to move toward an embryo.

I am not worried about a natural miscarriage, more so about a missed miscarriage like the first one.  I know my lining is strong, my progesterone is great etc, so its just that odd chromosome abnormality that might be a problem. There was less than a 1% chance of it happening again but it still a scary thought.

I put in a ticker to the right that has how many days, hours, minutes and seconds until I know peanut is safe! I thought just seeing seconds tick over would help me realise time is actually moving and this feeling that it has stopped is all in my head lol!

Until tomorrow!

4weeks2days

First of all I have to say being back at work is CRAP! lol 12days off seriously just wasn't enough!

On the baby front, well the nerves are really starting to set in . I know there is nothing I can do if something goes wrong but still can't help worrying about every little thing. I am constantly feeling my bbs, undie watching etc. I feel good about it but definitely nervous. PLease Please please little peanut stick! 

my bbs amped up a notch today they are really sore. They haven't grown much but its still so very early. cramps are there high on the left. These cramps always worry me even though I had the first time around. Its not AF cramps, not even close, but because of where it is in the back of my mind I think ectopic. Which again is silly because I am pretty certain I ovulated on the right and the cramps are always on the left. They aren't bad or anything just there. 

My heartburn is stronger as well today. I know that is just going to get worse and worse. I am going to get something from the Dr if I can this time though. I have it really bad without being pregnant so being pregnant just burns like crazy all the time. I can handle it and don't mind it being there but I can't help but think its doing permanent damaged.

I have to tell the girls at work today. I don't have a choice. Working in a lab we work with chemicals that can be toxic to unborn babies. So I need to stay away from them and the girls also need to let me know before they use them so I can leave the lab for 20mins. 

I heard back from my OBGYN (Dr A) yesterday. He is happy for me to come in at around 7 weeks. I wanted to make it the Thurs of that week but its DH's 30th Birthday and the day before is a public holiday so I might have to bring it forward to the Monday or Tuesday. Of course I am hoping for wonderful news but if its not I don't want to ruin DH's birthday! 

well slowly the days will tick by! I just really hope the symptoms amp up even more so I know bubba is OK.

well best get to work!

yep definitely UTD

So but more relief its not a chemical pregnancy! YAY!!!! lol yep always in the back of the mind when getting a positive so early. I tested again this morning and it was nice, dark and heavy. It is a relief I have to say.

I also took a belly pic this morning for 4w1d :) its hard to take it on timer.

I am going to enjoy this pregnancy the way it should be.  After a miscarriage the innocence of pregnancy is lost, but its a choice you make. You can make it a negative experience or you can accept things and move on.  I know I can't stop anything from happening if its going to happen, but I can enjoy the journey and hope that everything will turn out for the best. and if it doesn't then I will deal with it then, I am not going to dwell on those possibilities.

On another note its back to work tomorrow. YUK! At least this time I can be thinking I will be going on maternity leave mid August!

Well lots to do best go do it! :)

The year is off to a great start

Well 2011 is definitely starting great let's hope it stays that way. Been up the sunny coast again for a few days. Would be so nice to move there. Plated golf this morning omg it was so hot. It's also been an age since I played last so it took me a bit to get going but by the end it was all pars and bogeys.

Baby wise things seem good. Bbs are really sore heart burn is a shocker, still have the cramps high on the left.oh and although it's really early nausea it's definitely about. I haven't done another hpt yet I want to keep the last one I have left until tomorrow but I did find an old ovulation test. The test line is about double the darkness of the control line figure that's a good sign for 14dpo. Will also contact dr A tomorrow on how he wants things done. I want to wait till 7 weeks to get a scan but with my history I might not be able to. Hope so though too early you can't see anything and it's a waste of time and normally just adds more stress.

Well till tomorrow fingers crossed. But I feel ok about it all really which is really really good.