Whirl wind of a mental roller coaster

So I haven't written in here in ages and don't get me wrong my family is very busy and settling into a routine. Little zach is nearly 15weeks old. He is a happy contented baby. B and I went through some issues again but it seems to revolve around when a new baby arrives. He has never been one to cope with stress of any kind. Now zach is older he is coping much better. 

With all this being said I know there is Another baby in my future. This is where the mental mushy brain comes in. I'm all over the place. I'm happy focusing on the gym and losing weight and toning up at the moment. I have some career plans I would like to achieve but at the same time every new pregnancy I hear about i wish it was me. Thing is I spoke to B finally about my longing for a girl. After a very long discussion he actually agreed to IVF/PGD to guarantee a girl. Problem is I did my research and crunched the numbers there is absolutely no way we could afford it in the next 5 years. That makes the gap way too big especially having the first 3 close but also means I will be 37 before we could do it. Whoa no thanks. 

It's between $15-18k. My idea was save a house deposit then borrow a little extra on the house loan for the car and the baby. Unless the nhmrc change the law in the current review or simply won't be possible. 

Thing about that is they don't allow gender selection here in Australia even for family balancing because they say it's unethical and immoral. With this new blood test u can get done at 10weeks (~$1000) u can find out with 99% accuracy the baby's gender. I've been following some forums and couples are aborting the baby if it's not the desired gender as abortion in Australia is legal before 20weeks or what ever it is! How is that more ethical or moral than choosing a baby that's wanted. It's a lot cheaper to have abortion after abortion than go overseas to gender select. Btw I could and Would never abort a baby. 

Anyway that is off topic. 

I was thinking sometimes toward the end of next year start trying. That way bub is a few months old when Tyler starts school making the school runs a bit easier. 

Here comes the hard part. The gender sway! B has agreed to give it all but what is that? Diet, timing, supplements etc? Or the really extreme methods I've read about involving egg white and centrifuges? I know it's ages away but it's on my mind always. I want to be done. I want to shut up shop. Have my body back for good. Waiting until end next year means 3 more years until I'm finished. I will be 35! Agh I'm exhausted just thinking about it. I'm working is hard to get my baby weight off that being pregnant again means more steps back. 

But then comes the mental battle that if we try so hard for a girl and it's a boy! Then what? Of course I would love him like the 3 I already have they are my world but it means I still don't have that girl I really long for :( 

The little man is here

So it's been a while. With having 2 little ones and the exhuation of pregnancy I didn't get time for anything really. 

Little Zachary Brad arrived 17/3/14 @ 17:03 3.87kg 54cm 

The birth was fantastic. I was induced due to his big size. He was above the 97th percentile and for 10days early he was still a big boy. Arrived OB assessed me and I was 2cm so he was able to break my waters. I was on the Ctg machine for a while after as they like to make sure bub was ok with the breaking of membranes. We had a couple of 90bpm readings which we worked out likely to be the placenta as it was anterior. 

Once the midwife was happy bub was stable we were allowed to go for a walk. We walked around the hospital grounds a few times. I went up and down some stairs. By 10am nothing was progressing so we opted for the drip to get things moving. 

I was doing well with contractions but at around 1 I thought time for an epidural. I'm thinking I can go without if I ever go again! I had an hour of happy before my normal break through pain started. I was already 7cm when the epi went in so I didn't have far to go. About an hour of break through pain and I was getting the urge to push. Turns out my break through pain comes as I go through transition.

I wanted to push but they wanted me to wait until my OB got their and could assess me to make sure I was ready to push. So I was breathing through each contraction.

OB arrived checked yep fully dilated and ready to go. I began pushing but it didn't feel right I didn't have any strength. I felt so weak and I just couldn't push :( 

Turns out I was trying to push and still breath through contractions. Hahaha oops that so doesn't work.

so once I stopped breathing through them and started actually pushing before I knew it like 5-10pushs and my dr says next push and he is out. wtf I hadn't done anything. But yep out he came. No vacuum no issues to nothing he was just born! 

Things are settling down a little bit. We are having feeding issues, turns out he has a tongue tie so that gets snipped next Thursday but at the moment I'm having to use shields and also top up formula feed. Some of his feeds were gettig up to 4+ hours and he just wouldn't settle to sleep. I felt guilty about the formula at first but the poor bugger was hungry. Since then I have started feeling a bit more in control of things. 

Tyler and Blake can be a hand full I think it's just them adjusting to the new addition. Some days I get hardly any sleep and that's usually because I'm dealing with 2-3 kids up during the night. When it's just Zach feeding its fine but like last night Blake is teething and he woke around 11 and it took me 3 hours to resettle him. 

I think life will be hectic for a while. 

Me wise I have lost 7 1/2 kg already which is good. I can't wait to get back into some exercise but I think finding the time will be the hard part. Even for a 30min run or ride. I'm trying to eat well but the lack of sleep has me looking for empty calories. :( just need one night of ok sleep to refocus. I know I can do it. 

Guilty thoughts again re a girl

So i am still going up and down on this roller coaster. 

First of all this has nothing to do with bub. Just over 13weeks until we meet him and I honestly can't wait.  So excited about new born cuddles again and the tiny baby clothes etc! 

This is the feeling of just wanting a daughter. Its always in the back of my mind always something I am thinking about just sometimes it just gets me down. 

Which is silly! This is where the guilt comes in. I do have 2 gorgeous boys and another on the way. Recently a mum from Tyler's dig lost her daughter during delivery. Having healthy babies is the main thing I know this but I can't shake this want for a girl. 

In my mind I am set on having 4 so I know I have one more shot. I know I can give it everything I have to gender sway but what if it doesn't work? I should be happy its a healthy baby and of course I will be I will do this again. But knowing I won't have 5 will it be worse? 

the Ivf/PGD is something I think about but one is the cost but it's also that we can have kids naturally without issues why do I find the need to force a girl? I keep saying what will be will be an if its meant to be a boy then it is but I'm also a scientist and people have help to have babies all the time why can't I get help to have the baby I so long for? 

I think deep down we will do it naturally with the gender sway but I am already so nervous about finding out its a boy. Its years away and already I feel the anxiety from it. 

Just rambling now it's such a hard thing to explain. 

I am exhausted from having kids so close together but I know as they get older it will get easier. Once we have a bigger car adding the next child won't be hard well until school fees hit. Also having more kids means we are restricted for money available to each child. 4 was my limit but if its a boy will I be able to stop at 4? Will I ever get over this feeling? Agh! 

New blog address - massive vent added

So this is my new blog :) 

http://2bafitandhealthymum.blogspot.com.au/?m=1

On the family front bubba 3 is giving me a little bit of grief. Not sure what it is can't put my finger on it. 

Ok so I haven't let things out on here or a while. I wonder what is the point? Put it out there a few people in the world might read it, it gets it off my chest but it fixes nothing. This crap is like déjà vu and my head is about ready to explode. 

So the problem with bub 3 is my blood pressure is going up. I can feel it in my face. It's like a knot builds in my gut an my BP starts rising my face starts swelling and bam I feel like crap. Why is my BP rising? Stress! Of course! 

So B ceased his business about 3 1/2 months ago now. Said he physically couldn't do it anymore. Fine. U can't push ur body to do something it physically can't. I suggested he give anti depressants a go because the tiredness he is always feeling isn't normal. He was cleared of any medical issues. He tried them for about a month. Said they just made him feel dazed. Again fine can't force him. 

About the same time he stopped his business I found out he had gone on a gambling binge. Ended up being about $3.5k yay! Me trying to be understanding and supporting didn't lose it I swollowed the stress and asked him to see a councillor. Which he did again for about a month. In that month he took up drinking every day. Eventually I said we can't afford u to drink every day. He didn't listen until I said I wanted to join a gym which was $7.50 a week plus about $20 for crèche. He flat out said no we can't afford it. I made the comparison to the $50 a week he spends on alcohol so he stopped. Now instread he has taken op smoking pot again. wtf! I can't win.

So in this time he hasn't worked. He has gone for 2 job interviews. He has applied for a few more but the job market is really tough and he is putting in a real half arsed effort. He is also going fishing at least once a week for at least 12hours, he stays up late playing is video games and sleeps in until atleast 8am every day. 

As u can imagine I am or basically have lost all patience. Then today we get a bill in the mail an outstandig debt I knew we had for a tax bill from his business as his gambling splurge was out of that money and he had to pay PAYG on it. Basically in a nut shell it says pay immediately or it goes to the debt collector. 

Omfg seriously? He was supposed to ring say he couldn't pay right now what can we put in place? Obviously he hasn't! If it goes to the debt collector there goes any credit rating we had and any chance of ever buying a house again. 

On the money we get we are $400 a fn short on our bills so my yes my credit card is creeping up. 

I feel like I am losing my mind. A 32yo 16yo! I've given up saying anything especially now he is smoking again as he is completely irrational. I feel like I want to move out again. That's not fair on the boys though they love both of us and I couldn't tear that up right now. Wtf am I supposed to do?  Some days I am ok with ignoring it other like today it does my head in. I want to yell and scream at him until he realises what is actually going on. I just don't know how he can't see it. What happened in his up bringing that made him void to any responsibility? 

Ok head wants to exploid can't keep making myself more annoyed. 

Time for a new blog with a new direction and new focus

So I have neglected this blog for a while now and it's simply because I have nothing much to say. I tried to transition it into a fitness and weightloss journey but it's still the same blog. It is all about my kids and my journey to get them. Now let's face it my kids are fascinating to me but not so much for everyone else. Their day to day accomplishments are my pride and glory but once up to ur 3rd the days blend into each other and things do just seem the same from day to day. 

So I am going to start a new blog. I am still on my journey to peak health and fitness and am enjoying reading and learning of the best ways to achieve this so once bub is born I am ready to go. My new blog will follow my weight loss of course but it's more than that. I want it to document my journey on how I go about achieving these goals especially with 3 boys under 3. Being a mum is tough some days ur lucky to get a shower or even 1min to go to the toilet by yourself so finding the time to focus enough on urself to eat right and exercise is going to be a real challenge but its one I am ready to take head on. This isn't about becoming skinny it's about becoming fit and healthy so I can be the best I can be so I can get the most out of life. Be the healthy fit role model for my kids. Provide them with a healthy diet and lifestyle that will give them the best direction in life. Have the energy to run around with them and participate in life rather than be too tired and sit on the side lines watching. 

Sure they are just babies now and some times a toddler will only eat mac and cheese or tinned spaghetti on toast and as long as they are eating that's a great start but as they get older I want healthy food to be something they naturally eat. Not 2L coke and a pie. 

Being nearly 26weeks pregnant my little guy is still my top priority but again this isn't about fad diets and cutting out food groups so even though I'm going to continue to eat well I know he is actually getting the best nutrients possible. After about 2weeks of a debilitating migraine were I was barely able to drag myself out of bed I made an appointment with the chiropractor. Omfg that changed my life. I need to make sure if I am feeling that way again to get there sooner. I only need to go once every 6 months but the difference it makes is amazing! Being this sick though makes me realise how wonderful it is to feel fit and healthy and how lucky I am to actually have my health and that I should be making the most of it. 

I have a very long way to go on this journey and I am still hoping for baby 4 at some point. I will be returning to work 3 days a week if possible in September so that will add a new dimentions to it all but that is why I want to blog it. To document my successes and my failure because let's be honest I am sure there will be day I completely fall off the wagon but having this blog will help make me accountable and get me back on the path to success. :) once I have the new blog up and running I will come back and post a link. 

For those that have followed me on my Jounrey to creating my family i thank you and I will come back and update in here with the significant things like the birth of our little man and perhaps also document out gender sway for the next bub when we decide to go down that path. We have both agreed we want to put 150% into the sway this time so documenting that will probably be good too. It will be a 6-12month process to ensure we give it out best shot. 

Lots of stuff to happen over the next 2 years and I am actually feeling very positive and excited about it :) 

Constantly being tested

So for a while now I have been feeling really good. Back into exercising and still eating really well. I have put on a bit of weight which I am annoyed at but oh well. 

I was really coming around to the idea I 4 boys. I know for sure we will have a 4th. I just feel its in my heart to have another. 

I was happy knowing it would be another boy, we will still give the whole gender sway anothe go but I was so sure it would be a boy that I was actually not even going to find out. If u have 3 of the same the chance of another the same is very high. Simply means ur good at making one gender. I could see 4 boys, I had said good bye to the little girl and moved on. 

But then FB comes at me. I am so considering signing off for good! Saw pics this morning of a mum with 3 boys gave birth to her little girl. So of course I think wow it is possible to have a girl after 3 boys. the last few days everything girl has been in my face. I had been dealing well until that. Dropping Tyler at daycare the director was telling me its her daughters formal on Wednesday and she is on the formal committee and all the stuff that got up to on the weekend. I will never have that. The dress shopping the getting ready none of it. I am trying to forget about it but seeing as I always pictured myself with a daughter until recently I am finding that the strength and resolve I am trying to have in letting go is continually being tested. Why? 

I have kinda stepped back from the world a bit so I don't have to be bombarded with all things girl but I just can't get away. Is it ever going to go away or will I always long for a daughter? 

Number 4 is a while away I will be returning to work etc as we have to buy a new car no if buts or maybes there. Part of the gender sway involves me losing all my weight which I am super keen to do anyway. I know some people can make girls when carrying extra weight but going by the only time I know for sure we made a girl both B and I were a lot lighter. Bub will probably be around 2 when we look to go again. 

On other news bubba boy is doing great. Well I think its still a boy. lol I refer to him as him and he all the time and did so through out the 20week scan. I asked the tech to confirm she glanced at his parts for 1/2 of a sec and went yep boy. I think I saw his bits in that brief moment. I had thought I saw 3 lines earlier when she was moving around looking at the stomach and stuff but I guess it was something else! I couldn't imagine him not being a boy now. Especially seeing as he has a name lol. Over half way now. Yay bring on march, can't wait to meet him. 

Collapsible exhaustion

Days like today I honestly don't know how to keep on going. Today is a bad day. Agh

So this morning the boys were up at 3:50am. WTF that isn't even a time of day. Its Blake that wakes then but by the time I give him a bottle and he starts to settle Tyler has woken up and his pita patter down the hall and the 'mummy' wakes Blake back up so we are up for the day. :( yuk. So now I am super over tired and everything is simply getting the better of me! 

Being so tired I wonder how on earth I can do it again. I know on my heart I have to, 3 boys is uneven and I just don't like it. Is there light at the end of that non sleeping tunnel. It's not the kids bit it's the pregnant bit, the pregnancy tiredness I hate it. At some point do u get some normality of life back? At what age are the kids when u can do stuff easily as a family without having to take the kitchen sink with u. Without having at least one lose it while ur out. 

Yesterday Tyler decided to run full pelt down an escalator I yelled at him to stop but it was too late. Needless to say he didn't win that fight. Cuts and bruises every where. 

Blake is teething so cries and whinges all day. Less sleep too. I thought he would have dropped to 1 day nap by now but nope and his naps are short he wakes up

Crying and still tried but will never go back to sleep. I'm thinking if he slept less during the day he would sleep longer at night and not was up at 3:50am. But when he does wake at that time there is no way he can't have that 8am nap. 

Then there is B. Agh over 2 months of not working and its beginning to do my head in. We have no money I feel like we are going no where. I hate this rental i would love to get excited about this little man and make his room his but u can't do much in a rental. We already have the furniture etc. Then its Blake's birthday in 4 weeks but again I can't do much about his big boy room. Tyler's big boy room is still unfinished and that's due to no money. 

There are no jobs out there but why can't he think long term? Put somethig into place now it might not start off earning much but u can build up from there. A dead end job is just that crap wage going no where. All we do is fight about it because I am pushing him all he wants to do is go fishing, watch tv, sleep and play video games. Well glad someone can have a holiday! 

I get no sleep no time to myself, 2 clingy whingy kids and I also have to stress about how we are going to pay bills. I have a 2 year old a nearly 1 year old and a 16year old. 

We sold our house because B went into business and now that's gone we have no house and equity no assets. All the work i did to build up to where we were gone! :( we live out here why? Its 2-3hours drive for me to get the high paying jobs again. Its expensive here due to it being on the bay and out of the city but still close to it. I want to move to the coast for lifestyle we don't like the city life and I'm happy to live and work to suit our lifestyle I don't need the big house an fancy car. Just don't know why we live here b just refuses to move why? 

I have a plan and I still want to do it all just days like today I wonder why it has to be so hard. I always worked hard saved money now I have nothing :( 

Ok going around in circles so stopping now. Making myself more annoyed.