still confused

Right so the low down is I am 13DPO and my temp jumped up this morning not down. My (.Y.) are still sore, I have the dull left hand side cramp every now and again, too early in the day to know about CM. But definitely don't feel like AF is coming! But hpt was neg! :( so very very confused! I want to say I definitely feel pregnant but with a neg hpt at this stage I am very unsure. Perhaps its just clomid and the universe ganging up to screw me over!

Only other explanation for the temp rise is I am getting sick but I don't feel like I am. Who knows! onto tomorrow we go!

Torn

OK, so I am very torn at the moment. I definitely don't want to jump the gun but normally my instincts can be pretty good. The symptoms I have this month are different to last month. Even though they were there last month, I had abnormally high progesterone so that probably triggered the symptoms. Now my temp is where it normally is so my progesterone should be about where it normally is.

I did a test this morning using an IC and it was neg! Not surprised. I was lucky to even see the line at 15DPO last time on one of those! I am scared to think what I am thinking but everything is pointing towards it.

My (.Y.) are REALLY REALLY REALLY sore today. I can feel the nipples on my bra and it hurts. I have no PMS or irratability what so ever and normally my PMS is bang on, even DH has noticed an absence in the PMS. My CM is in high abundance. I just feel wet! (sorry TMI). Normally by this time I would have a tiny bit if not dried up completely. I have the cramps on the Left hand side only. normally AF cramps would be setting in and my whole uterus would be aching and so would my VJ. I would have that heavy feeling like I am about too loose a gallon of blood any minute. I have none of that. I am so tired all the time. I have been napping in the afternoon when i get home. I will get up have dinner and go to bed again. My body just feels exhausted all the time. Even lifting my arms is effort most of the time. I was thinking I was getting sick or something. But I thought that the last two times too. I am completely absent minded. I made mistake after mistake yesterday. My brain was just complete fog.

That an my instincts are telling me I am. All this being the case though my head is telling me I am a F**KING idiot for getting excited and my temp will drop tomorrow and I will get hurt and be all upset! If I am not pg though I will have to say I will be completely GOB SMACKED! If feels the same as the last two times.

If my temp stays up tomorrow I will pull out a FR! If its negative I reside to my fate!

On another note though DH and I had a talk this morning. Was supposed to do it last night but I was too tired and went to bed. If we aren't successful this cycle we need to find a new path. I explained to him about the way it rules a womans life. He wants me to give up the charting because thats a physical thing he sees but there is WAY more than that! everyday its always on a womans mind 24/7 when TTC. Should I eat this, should I do that. I don't have a glass of wine just in case, I wont go for a run after ovulation cause it helped being on my last m/c so I am scared. I am scared to orgasm after ovulation in case it prevents bub from attaching or brings on a m/c. I can't eat that cheese, that meat etc etc. i don't sit down too hard or jump onto a chair because I am scared of a m/c. The list goes on and on. So giving up charting is one small tiny part of it. I don't know how I go about changing any of this because its fine to say lets just "Not try" and see what happens. But having had 2 m/c's one natural I am petrified of it happening again. I don't know if going off clomid will make my cycles all horrible again with late ovulation and a really short LP, which is what caused Jan's m/c. I wont be charting so I wont know. I don't know if I can cope through another m/c. So that was really as far as we got with the discussion. I guess we will pick it up later.

One thing I do know, I have put on far too much weight in this whole TTC process! If my temp drops tomorrow morning I am going to start intense exercising again! I can't keep going like this. None of my clothes fit and I hate it.

Well I will update tomorrow and see if my prediction is right or if I am completely off base! If I am off base I am so getting an I TOLD U SO! from my brain!

10DPO

So where am I at??? Somewhere in my normal limbo state. Not feeling pg kinda feeling AF is on the way. Cramping started yesterday. Had some sharp stabs this morning, not sure what thats about but it definitely made me stop and draw in a breath from the pain. Maybe something to ask the Dr about if we aren't lucky this cycle. I never had cramps or pains like this ever before the D&C. After it definitely more often. I thought it was the progesterone, but I have never had a problem ovulating, even if it was a bit late sometimes, so my body should be used it!

My CM is really wet creamy. If AF is on the way that should probably dry up tomorrow. Nothing in the boobs. The bottom of them are tender but I have come to realise that is definitely progesterone. If the nipples were somewhere on the radar I might think different.

So where is my head at? its pretty good. Being tired makes me a little emotional but mainly I just get sad that we still aren't pregnant. Its not a bad thing. But ultimately I am not sure I can keep going at this. Its fine to stop TTC, no charting etc but your life is still ruled by TTC. What I mean by that is, the house we live in which is so expensive is for the kids, the jobs we go to for 10hours a day and spend 2 hours travelling too and from is so we can save money for the kids, the work we spend every weekend doing around the house is for the kids. I am not sure I can keep pushing on like this. If we aren't TTC then why can't we do some fun stuff like travel Europe and Asia? Actually live life and enjoy it.

But that would be enjoyable and we wouldn't want that!

Weird Day

So I woke up this morning feeling very emotional! I have this very overwhelming feeling today about how much I want a baby. Its completely consuming me. I keep thinking about how I should of had a baby a few weeks ago, that I should be holding her right now, that I should be pregnant by now, and that I really really need to be pregnant this month. I want it so bad! I don't know if its just hormone related, or if its that the next 5 days are critical and if bubby is there and going to implant it will be in these next 5 days. If it doesn't implant than what do I do then?? I have gone from being able to fall pg at the drop of a hat to not being able to even with help from fertility drugs. :( I have been perfectly fine about all of this for weeks and weeks, but today I woke up and bang. All the emotion just made me feel like I wanted to curl up in a ball, cry and go back to sleep.

I guess it doesn't help that I am still temping this cycle and my temp isn't as high as last month making me think I released 2 eggs. and If last month I couldn't get 1 of those fertilised and implanted what makes me think I will catch the 1 this month! :(

Its still early and I don't have any symptoms either way. Crampy uterus is about it but I had that last month.

I know I am going to be fine and that tomorrow I will probably wake up feeling good, today is just one of those days! I want a baby and I have absolutely no control over when I get one! :(

Nervous

So although I feel very laid back and at ease about the whole TTC thing I have to admit I am a little nervous. This is my 2nd round of clomid and normally couples that have had a lot of trouble even falling pregnant are found to conceive between 1-3 cycles. Some other cases if ovulation isn't the problem Clomid wont work anyway, but normally 1-3.

Well I know I can fall pregnant and I have been extremely lucky and had it happen twice really easily. So to think that we are again possibly going to be unsuccessful this month makes me nervous. What is now going wrong? We BDed everyday around Ovulation and you only need 1 sperm and 1 egg!!!! I decided to not use preseed this month and just use it like normal lubrication. I was worried that last month using the insertion method it may have created too much fluid for DH's swimmers to get through. I seem to be creating enough CM on my own, no more or less than what I did without the clomid so I figured I should be fine.

I just feel my biological clock ticking, its so loud in my head, and as my 28th birthday approaches it gets louder and louder. I can't change it I can't make it go away I certainly can't make myself any younger! lol even thought that would be really really nice! I just have to sit here and patiently wait for our baby to come join us!

Man I really do hate the TWW! It seems to take FOREVER and I am only 3/14 days down!

On another note, I have finished painting the nursery furniture so I will have to post some photos later. We will be starting the nursery this weekend! Hopefully BubbyJ isn't too far away :)

We have lift off!

2DPO!

Well I have popped! on CD15 which is good :) Now the waiting game begins. 12days to go!

Was going to have a rant about something. Have decided against it. No point! the world is just unfair sometimes!

Not really anything else to say! Been trying to keep a low profile on the TTC baby stuff. Just need a break. It is helping. Although when someone else announces they are pg things flood back again. I am not saying I am not happy for them, but seriously is it my turn yet?

Hmm tired and grumpy today! lol going to leave it there!

Ovulation? not yet but we are getting close

So its been a few days. Nothing really happening in my world! work work work! Looks like I will hopefully get that promotion so it will all be worth it!

On the TTC front, looks like my body is gearing up to ovulation. I had a nice rise this morning, but I think its true form for me to have the rise a couple of days before I ovulate. I am expecting a dip again tomorrow then either ovulate tomorrow or monday!

I did some chart analysis.....What do you guys think? I am going with the most recent one and thinking not ovulated!