A wonderful weekend!

I have to say I have had one of the best weekends! Its such a nice feeling! Started with the hair dresser yesterday morning! Always feels good to have a fresh new colour and cut!

Then I met up with some of the Brissy girls from SWB and it was wonderful! I guess because we have all known each other for so long, meeting face to face was like catching up with good friends. We sat and chatted for ages! Definitely looking forward to catching up with them again soon. Would be so wonderful to organise a catchup with everyone but it may be hard with everyone else in completely different spots, but still would be good if we could organise it some how!

After that DH and I went into the city for a nice romantic night! It was really nice! Went really quick but definitely worth it! We went to a really nice restaurant for dinner and well I am sure you can guess the other stuff! haha

This morning we came home, did house work and the shopping but after such a wonderful day yesterday it was still nice spending time together even though it was chores!

So other than that on the TTC front My temp went up to 36.78 a couple of days ago and I haven't had a reading that high since just after my D&C in November. So hopefully that means my body is finally producing enough progesterone again :) YAY!

Funny thing is I know its only about 3 weeks until I ovulate again and we can hopefully catch the little eggy, but I am still wishing time away. I just really can't wait to be pregnant again. I really feel this one is it for us!

Its about 7days max till AF, depending on my LP, although with temps of 36.78 my LP might return back to its normal 14days! YAY! and then another hopefully 14days till I ovulate. OMG SO EXCITED!

I know its preemptive but I am going to start the nursery next weekend. I don't want to be painting when pregnant so I think its a must to have the walls painted and the furniture. DH's older brother gave us the stuff from their kids cause they are finished. But its a crappy brown stain. I would love to paint it white but seeing has BIL made it I will see if that is OK because I know once its white you can't take it back to a wood colour. If not I will stain it a nice rich colour.

Well enough rambling for one day! Of and AF must be building up because I was dragon lady today! PMS MEGA! I just wanted to rip everyones head off today for absolutely no reason! poor DH!

Its a Good Day!

WOW who would have thought that yesterday when I woke up that today would be such a good day!

I was really iffy on whether or not I should contact my OBGYN about my late ovulation, but the thought of waiting until July was just far too depressing! And I would have been kicking myself if I did wait and I didn't need to!

So this was his reply!
________________________________________________________________________________
Hi Michelle,
Well at least you are ovulating – that is promising !
I think the Methotrexate would be well and truly out of your system by now so if you were to conceive in the next cycle I don’t think that would be a huge issue at all. It was probably overkill to say 3 months but just precautionary all the same.

You could try Clomiphene on the next cycle. I wouldn’t have an issue with that if you want to expedite things. The risk of twins is 5%. Side effects include vision blurring, bloating, nausea and breast tenderness on days 1 – 5 of the cycle when you take it. Ovulation should be about day 12 – 16 after Clomiphene. It won’t affect the development of the embryo.

Well let me know what you think. I can send out a prescription if that’s any help.

Cheers,
___________________________________________________________________________

Well that got me SO VERY excited but I knew I had to talk to DH first! If he was still against it I would have dealt with it and tried to be patient and waited! But I showed him the email and it was all he needed! He is happy to start trying again.

So now that Eggy from this month is well and truly gone, we actually DTD last night no contraception and if was so nice. It was the connection that we had been missing for ages. OK this is going to sound corny but it was love making not just sex!

I have decided to go with the Clomid, I am just too scared to have a repeat of the last 5 months so if that little drug can guarantee I ovulate on time I am all for it!

So yep all excited now! possibly 3 weeks till I ovulate again and we find out on the 18th if I am pregnant again. I think I am so excited because I felt like this day was never going to get here! I really think this is going to be the one! The sticky healthy one :)

On another note I am really excited to be meeting a few of the other BH/SWB girls tomorrow. I actually feel a little guilty though because I have had this good news and things are on the up for me. 2 of them are still stuck in that horrible guessing game of when! and that is such a horrible feeling :( I wish I could take it away for them! Give them some answers! Unfortunately life just isn't that simple! Be still so wonderful to meet them, I feel like I know them so well already, but meeting in flesh makes it all the more real that we are there for each other no matter what!

So wait for AF and AWAY we go! WHOOHOO!

Empty!

So my head is all foggy and needs a clean out! Be warned if ur reading this I have no idea where this post is going to go! Probably Bad the way I am feeling right now!

So no AF today. Temp has gone up to 36.61 so I have a feeling she is going to stay away for a few days! This pushes me up shit creek without a paddle.

Thing is I feel so alone right now, and I hate this feeling! I know men are from a different planet but seriously surely they have a brain!

My other half is religious no sorry he has faith, church did some pretty shit things to him so now he doesn't like going but yes he still has faith. Which is fine, but seriously when bad shit happens then keeps happening please don't preach to me. I don't want to be told, have faith it will all work out. Well i fucking thought that last time! and the time before that!

I just can't talk to him about this anymore. He has no idea how a cycle works, so if I got AF today we would have been trying late June now that hasn't happened, its either early June or July. DH says have faith your cycle will return next month and we can try late June. Like seriously I just said late June isn't happening anymore! So then he says well we can wait till July or August or when your cycle returns I don't want u taking any drugs. Coming from someone who loves his pot, although I refuse to let him smoke it anymore after we lost the last baby to genetic abnormalities. But till my cycle returns! WTF will that be? 6 months, 12 months?

Thing is my life is on hold because I am doing everything I can to make myself perfect for when we are pregnant again. That means I am doing EVERYTHING I would be doing if I was pregnant. He doesn't have to do any of that. He just carries on with life perfectly normal! 99% of the time he doesn't even know I am upset. He is a typical ozzie bloke that has no idea about women. I knew that when I married him, I just didn't think when I was hurting this bad he would busy himself with everything else so he didn't have to deal with my girly shit!

As for the faith thing, seriously how much is 1 person supposed to be able to deal with. You pick yourself, and carry on with life, you do the responsible things, you are a good person. But something new comes along to yet again test you and sometimes I just wonder why?

I go to work everyday, I have bought a house, I am in a happy marriage where we both love each other very much (well most of the time!) all in preparation to have a family. Yet for some reason we are deemed to not be able to have children yet? I look back to my younger years where I spent so long trying not to fall pregnant, was I always destined for this path? If things had been different would having children been easier when I was younger? I know they are all what ifs and whys etc! I am glad i didn't have kids with anyone else, I just want them so bad no with the man and for some reason we are not able to...is someone trying to tell us something?

So I don't know where to right now! everything just feels like shit. I have no goals I can work toward, no date to look forward to. No trying to achieve anything. Simply get up go to work everyday, come home and go to bed. Weekends,house work! thats it!

I simply feel completely empty!

So something I just thought of, if I wasn't charting, and I had absolutely no idea where I was in my cycle, we are able to try again from the 2nd June, would DH be happy to try then? Even thought the reason I am charting so that I don't loose another one. That if something was wrong I would know and we could do something about it! But now he doesn't want me to do anything about it! Just patiently wait for "God" to work his shit out! Sorry he is too busy getting that Druggo down the street pregnant!

Sorry if u have faith, like I said I have no problem with it and I don't judge just like I hope I am not judged. Some days I can't help but question things! I have trouble accepting blind faith! Its the rational scientist I suppose! I believe in something I just don't know what yet, I am still searching, but that discussion is a long one for my other blog sometime.

I am sure this will pass and I will pick myself up! I have no choice and I have done it so many times. But for today I am going to feel down for a little longer!

CD26/3DPO WTF

So i have had a rather shit day! I have tried to not let things get to me but easier said than done. I don't know why I am struggling so much to move past this right now, but I am and it sucks! I was putting it down to AF but who knows what is going on there.

So My temp was up again this morning, I was completely ignoring it lol! You know if you don't admit things they seriously aren't there. But a good friend from SWB noticed it too :( and I think she is right. I think I only ovulated 3days ago. Seriously for F**CKS sake! I have gone from falling pg easily, to thinking it would all be OK and I would be able to have a baby, to having a completely shit cycle and no end in sight! I seem to have done it the other way around to everyone else. Not problems falling pg to having trouble TTC! I am up to 8 months, who knows how longer this could take. I am 28in November, I want more than 1 baby but time is running out!

Some days I wonder if it is really this hard perhaps someone is trying to tell me something?

So Things were going around and around in my head after that! Started with well it still feels like AF will be here tomorrow, that makes my LP 3days! hmmm scary, but hopefully the next cycle is better. I am still really really really hoping that this is what happens. The other scenario is that due to a late ovulation my AF will be pushed back up to 11days. That being the case then I will ovulate after the 2nd of June in the next cycle and we can actually try then. But as much as I would really like to do that, I would be so scared of my cycle still being stuffed, and if it is I honestly wouldn't have the strength to go through another m/c. But the thought of waiting till July/August is just as depressing! So my other thought that if it is pushed back and we do try next cycle, I will only do it if I am on something like Clomid to ensure I ovulate around CD14.

So it was getting me down today, still riding on AF is due so my emotions are really on edge, I tried to talk to DH about it on the way home! In typical boy style with in 2 mins he was over it and going on like I was some TTC psycho maniac. Now this makes me really really sad. I need to be able to talk to him and lately I just can't. I am really hurting sometimes and I just need him to be there. To talk to me. But he wont, always says he has too much of a headache to talk or what ever. I just feel so distant from him right now. We aren't talking, we are always fighting. We never DTD anymore, I just feel so far away from him. And when things like this happen I feel even further away, like my feelings mean absolute shit to him!

So Gotten myself into a bit of a whole! I think I am going to have tomorrow off work and see if I can get my head into a better place! Just not up for it!

So sad :(

CD25/8DPO??

So here is the deal, was busting for the loo at 4am this morning and I took my temp 36.61! OMG! a post ovulation temp! lol! quickly went to the bathroom and at 5am when my alarm went off I took it again 36.51.

So here is what I am thinking, the temperature at night has settled a bit, but it dropped to really really cold around when I ovulated. It would have been a big shock for my body and perhaps why my BBT didn't jump up. Either way I definitely think I ovulated and I definitely think AF is on the way. Thursday or Friday I would pin. Cramps are getting bad today and CM is GONE! so that normally happens for 2-3days before she shows up.

I have to say I am very relieved and excited now. My body is working :) One more cycle to go and away we go! I can do 30days!

Tick Tock, Tick Tock!

Time ever so slowly ticks on by! I think as I get down to the less than 3days to go things start to drag on. I am down to 3weeks2days!

So I did some adding up before, to see if seeing it this way will help me any.

It has been 101 days since I found out I was pg back in January. Its been 62 days since the Methotrexate injection and there is 31days (if my cycle remains normal) until The round where we can actually start TTC again. Even though Condoms are gone from the 2nd June those swimmers will be swimming toward nothing! So all up it will have been 132 since this mess started! OMG that is a lot! but when looking at it that way 101 down 31 to go...it isn't too bad! I think once I get into the next cycle I will feel so much better. But not knowing if I ovulated this month I have no definite idea that AF is actually going to arrive on time at all!

Another day passes!

So the count down very slowly continues. As the time approaches I just wish it would hurry up even more. I went for a run today, and all I could think was I would give anything to be pregnant again, healthy pregnant that is.

Over the last two months, I have thought about change, my career, my job, my home, etc etc. I keep thinking of all these thing I could and should be planning and doing. But if I am honest with myself its simply a mechanism to try and get my mind off the fact that I am still not pregnant!

I remember watching Dr Phil once, must have been the only time I have ever watched it! But he was going on about silos in our life. We have one for work, one for Job, family, relationship etc. When one of these silos is really low we start to try and compensate in other silos. Say for example we are really happy in our job, if we have been single for a while, and it starts to make us unhappy we start to actually think it is our job, and start to attack that and improve that, even though it was never the problem in the first place. So for me at the moment, everything is probably really great except for the family thing. If I had kids I probably wouldn't question my job at all, although I am not finding it challenging and my boss is a pain in the arse, it isn't that bad, I can go in everyday and be OK. But because we are having trouble achieving that family and it is making me unhappy, I am starting to think its other areas that are the problem. Like my house, or job or relationship etc. I think a job change will fix everything but it will probably just shift the problem for a while!

So I am not sure if this realisation will actually help any. Hopefully it will. I know that I don't really like my job right now and I would like something I am more passionate about more challenging, I I know as soon as I am pregnant, none of that is going to matter!

All I want right now is a to be pregnant and to have a baby. I know I will get that eventually I just need to chill for a while, just enjoy life, not try and attack every other part of my life and try to stay settled, and I will get to the destination eventually!

Easier said than done of course. I have been baking a bit lately, and doing little things around the house that I have been putting off, like finally getting all the photos up and pictures etc. Little things like that are finally making this place finally feel like home, and its helping me settle a little!

Another flat temperature today so I am thinking maybe I did ovulate, but because its been really cold here the last week or so it could mean my BBT has dropped a few degrees? Maybe! I am starting to get normal pre AF symptoms, No CM, Cramps, backache, breakout, bloating, gassy. And its 4 days before so that is about right :) fingers crossed things stay on the right path! I am starting to get excited at the same time because if AF does arrive then I will be in my last cycle before TTC again WHOOHOO!!!