Normal again!

Yay I feel normal again the baby thoughts are gone!!! Thank goodness! I made sure we didn't DTD at all in the last few days so we should be all fine!

Looking forward to going for a run today, I am due for a ride but after 4 days it's still raining.

So an update on the little man, he has been on solids now for 2 weeks and loves them. We have had some issues with constipation but nothing a bit of pear juice doesn't fix.

We have been weaning him of his reflex meds now for a few days and so far so good.

He has well and truly mastered rolling, it makes change time interesting.

Off to weigh him today, be very interesting to see if he has cracked the 8kg mark. He has started wearing 0's now. He still fits into some 00's but they are getting tight.

So glad those thoughts are gone for another few weeks they r so annoying!

Still going!

See my logical mind would be saying get sorted get back on track with the house, resettle, focus on DH and Tyler for a while! My time bomb body clock is coming up with all the reasons I should get pregnant and the thought are so loud it's drowning everything else out. I am even feeling gutted and disappointed that I haven't fallen pregnant yet! so absolutely stupid but I honestly can't help it I feel like I'm loosing my mind! Agh!

Those annoying thoughts!

FFS I am so over my damn body clock and it's stupid thoughts! It's starting to drive me completely bonkers!

I must be coming up to possibly ovulating again. I had lots of EWCM on the 1st so af would have been due around the 14th but it didn't show. Going by this I would be due to ovulate by the end of the week!

This of course is very evident by my thoughts, my mind is going baby crazy again. All I can think about is being pregnant, having a baby, etc etc. I can't believe how much it takes over me.

I am doing awesome with my weightless down 15.5kg from the day Tyler was born, i am loving being back onto riding and running and training for this mini triathlon, but that's only for 3 weeks of the month! This other week all I want to do is have another baby!

I have no idea if I could even fall pregnant af still hasn't returned, since I moved back home DH and I haven't been careful at all, I haven't fallen pregnant in 4 months I can't see it happening before AF returns and who know when that will be!

I just wish I could control these thoughts, they seriously do drive me bonkers, it's completely all consuming!

On other things DH and I are working on things, we will hopefully be getting out of the house ASAP and then DH and i have agreed we will be moving to caloundra on the beautiful sunshine coast! I am very excited about this I have always wanted to move to the coast and I am really looking forward to the fresh start away from all the negative influences of my family at the moment. DH and I will be starting fresh on our own! Fingers crosses what we r trying to do happens because if it does we should be moved by mid feb!

Well I guess that's all!

Feeling much better

So after my break down yesterday I am feeling much today although it definitely didn't start that way! Tyler hasn't been sleeping at all, 2 hour stretches if he is lucky! I think he is picking up my stressed out vibes and this morning he just would let up. I really needed to go back to bed but he wasn't interested. :( so I rang DH and told him he needed to come get him NOW. He did thank goodness and i went back to bed! Best 3 hours sleep i have had in a long time! After this DH and i went out to lunch which was nice. Then this afternoon my mum took Tyler for a bit while i went for a jog.

I felt bad because I just needed time out from the little man but I think it was what we both needed. Me being in a better frame of mind will hopefully rub off on him and me being happy will help things!

My close friend and I committing to a mini triathlon at the end of the year so I am looking forward to that giving me the motivation to exercise. I am looking forward to it. Long way to go though very unfit. One massive plus today though my pubic bone didn't hurt during my jog!!! Yay! That was so very painful and thought it would never go away. So happy it has.

Well bed time.

PND??

WARNING - this is going to be a VERY long post, very open and probably long winded and confusing but I have to get it out!

So the last couple of days I have been a bit worried that I might be developing post natal depression. I love my little man more than anything but its gotten to the point where my head wants to explode and I simply just can't deal with him.  He has developed this squawk its horrible.  He does it when he is upset at anything and seriously the last couple of days that is ALL the time. He isn't sleeping properly, feeding around the clock, always on the boob, I am completely exhausted.

On top of this I feel in complete limbo land.  I am still at my mums and this just isn't my home so I don't feel settled. DH and I are talking but I my heart isn't in going home. I want to work things out there for many reasons but I honestly don't know if it would work and just end in more heart ache. The way things are right now are perfect for him, he does what he wants when he wants and sees us for an hour or two a day. He has no major commitments, no one making him go to work so he doesn't. No one to answer to so getting blind drunk on the weekend like a 17year old is great fun.

Thing is because I want to work things out for Tyler's sake I feel like I have to make a decision and if I go back then I can't make comment on things like that. I can't expect him to grow up, I know what he wants to do he isn't going to change so I would simply just have to accept it! Do I really want to do this? Sometimes I wonder if he does actually love me or if he just wants to be together for Tyler, perhaps just because its easier. I keep thinking all the shit that has happened over the last few years I simply just imagined.

First off I haven't been the best. I have been very emotional over the last 2.5years, I haven't been as much fun, I would get stressed out and I did snap many times, but in that I never got any support! I went through 2 miscarriages and he was there for the first, perhaps because I fell to pieces, I was so scared of the surgery to remove our baby and he held my hand and held me when it was over. The 2nd he was rather impartial to, and then when that was finally over he hated me trying to get help even after 8 months of trying and absolutely nothing. We had fallen pregnant the two times we DTD at the right time, why after 8 months nothing? Anyway he never apologised  for dragging his feet even when we did find out there was a reason.

During the pregnancy he was extremely disconnected. not showing much interest at all.  I put this down to the emotional roller coaster we had already been on and that once bub was born he would be a wonderful father.

During labour I felt very alone. I dismissed it as he was just out of his comfort zone and didn't really know what to do.  Once Tyler was born though I still didn't feel like his heart was there. His mind just seemed else where and it never improved! He started going the other way completely! spending less and less time with the family! wanting to spend all his time with his mates.  Again I dismissed it as he was stressed at work and just needed time out, once Christmas came I thought he would have some time off and spend some nice time with us. Nope didn't happen.

When ever I tried to talk about any of this he just got angry and mean and nasty and I was starting to do the same. Eventually it got to boiling point and that's when I moved out.

On top of this I have had my parents nasty and bitter divorce and my DH and I are smack bang in the middle.  Over 4 years ago they helped us purchase our home.  My family has a trust account and this trust holds the mortgage on our home and we pay that off.  At first no interest but when they separated the loan started incurring full interest and this is where the problems started.  Its OK at the moment whilst I have maternity payments but once they stop it will get hard. Its a big house with a big mortgage and one we would never have gotten into if it hadn't been for my parents offering.

Now I should have known better, my parents have never willingly helped me out without continually bringing it up and expecting constant thanks and pulling rank on things and using it as a bargaining chip when required.   DH and I are trying to get out of the house but the market is crap and we are looking at getting less for it than when we bought it even though we have put in over $100000 worth of improvements. Because of this DH and I have been trying to think of something that might help everyone out.  My dad currently lives on his industrial property, he loves the house and we thought perhaps the family trust could buy us out and he could live in it and then the house just simply becomes part of their settlement. Of course my mum wont have a bar of this and now I am just a selfish bitch that just expects everything! Wonderful.

This of course creates more stress and tension between DH and I, I can understand why DH is at breaking point sometimes, I have enough trouble with it and its my stupid family.

I really want to just be gone with the house, for DH to get rid of any financial ties with everyone and just see how we go with just the two of us.  I want to see if he is still the same when we have less interference from other parties or if he is just different to the man I married. To see if his selfish nature recently is due to other things or if this just now just him.

All of this though makes me feel like I am really starting to struggle.  I want to hide under the covers and not get out of bed. I don't have as much patience with Tyler, I don't want to talk to friends or family.  I just want to pretend the world just doesn't exist.

Perhaps this feeling will pass.  Maybe AF is on the way.  I know breastfeeding can play a big factor in hormones but I definitely feel at breaking point.

I am going to take the day out tomorrow and not get out of bed if I don't have to.  I will feed and sleep with Tyler all day if he is happy to do that.  We have done it before when we have both needed it. Maybe doing this will help get my head back in the right place.

Thing that scares me is if it doesn't work between DH and I, I am 30 this year, I have no intention of ever rushing things with anyone else, so Tyler would probably be my only child.  Am I OK with this? I know this isn't the reason for staying with DH. Is this the reason why I am trying to make it work? Will this just lead to more heartache and fighting and sadness? Am I staying because I feel so unhappy with myself I worry no one else will be attracted to me? Is this unhappiness with myself causing issues between DH and I? Will me getting fit and loosing weight help us become happier again because I will be happier? Do I feel resentment that I feel DH doesn't find me attractive even though I feel like love should see through that?  I am not carrying that much and it was due to pregnancy not simply because I am fat!

That's about all my head can handle right now. didn't re-read so if you made it this far and lots didn't make sense sorry!

4 Months and progress

Well the little man is 4 months now :) and getting big! I am such a proud mumma :) He has been doing so much better since I started him on solids 2 weeks ago.  So much more settled, happier, and just generally content.  He giggles and talks so much more, rolls around and happy to stay on his own for longer periods. Hopefully it lasts for a while! Although I am expecting the teething to start soon soon so that should bring some new grizzliness.

This is him at 4 months

In other news DH and I have talked and we both agree we don't want to throw our marriage away.  We discussed things and put our feelings on the table in regards to absolutely everything.  Its talks like these were you realise how hard the last few years have been.  Loosing 2 babies then struggling to fall pregnant. DH starting his own business, issues with my family, my parents separation, money issues etc. So DH wanted me to move back home straight away but I want to take it slowly, I want to work through all the issues and deal with them all before we jump back into things. I don't want any of this coming up again.

The biggest thing for me that I need to deal with is moving on from the difficulty that comes with pretty much being pregnant or breast feeding for 2.5years. I haven't had any down time because I was always worried I might be pregnant or something I might eat could affect it.  Never had more than a couple of drinks, couldn't eat this or that, could do this or that. Its very exhausting and still now breast feeding it the same.  So I would get angry at DH because he doesn't have this, he gets to have a few drink, eat what he wants, go where he wants do what he wants. This isn't his fault, I made the decision to do what I did, and we now have a son and I just need to be happy again and enjoy him.  

Small steps at a time but we will get there :)

Little man is awake and Sophie has gotten boring so I better go get him. :)

I feel good times ahead. 

How r we traveling?

The little man and I are doing well :) Enjoying the time at mum's, its much more relaxed and easy going. I think Tyler is definitely benefiting from the non tense fighting atmosphere.

DH is spending time with Tyler everyday which is good, just a shame he couldn't do that whilst we were at home.

Honestly I am really hoping this might actually wake him up, I don't know if there is any hope for our marriage there is a long time line anger and fighting and lots of damage has been done, but we are being amicable which is a good start.

His family is crazy though and they have started at me already.  They thrive on drama and are probably the nastiest people I have ever met.  They can be so cruel and never think about what they say before it comes out of their mouths.  Lucky for me I pay no attention to it. I can see them foul mouthing me to him, which is silly because its all crap its just stuff you say to support the one you love. They just don't realise what they are saying might completely eliminate any change we may reconcile and keep our family together and the one person that looses out the most is Tyler.

Although I have no inclination to another baby the years of TTC means I will probably always notice fertile signs.  Around the 2nd I got the biggest glob of EWCM! So gross.  Probably the most I have ever had. Be interesting to see if AF shows up in just over a week.

I have to go shopping for a new car seat today.  When I weighed Tyler on Monday he was 7.4kg and my current capsule goes up to 9kg problem is I think he has passed the height restriction as his head slumps forward especially when he is asleep.  I think it could be really dangerous as it is so far forward.

Little man needs food must go!!