PND??

WARNING - this is going to be a VERY long post, very open and probably long winded and confusing but I have to get it out!

So the last couple of days I have been a bit worried that I might be developing post natal depression. I love my little man more than anything but its gotten to the point where my head wants to explode and I simply just can't deal with him.  He has developed this squawk its horrible.  He does it when he is upset at anything and seriously the last couple of days that is ALL the time. He isn't sleeping properly, feeding around the clock, always on the boob, I am completely exhausted.

On top of this I feel in complete limbo land.  I am still at my mums and this just isn't my home so I don't feel settled. DH and I are talking but I my heart isn't in going home. I want to work things out there for many reasons but I honestly don't know if it would work and just end in more heart ache. The way things are right now are perfect for him, he does what he wants when he wants and sees us for an hour or two a day. He has no major commitments, no one making him go to work so he doesn't. No one to answer to so getting blind drunk on the weekend like a 17year old is great fun.

Thing is because I want to work things out for Tyler's sake I feel like I have to make a decision and if I go back then I can't make comment on things like that. I can't expect him to grow up, I know what he wants to do he isn't going to change so I would simply just have to accept it! Do I really want to do this? Sometimes I wonder if he does actually love me or if he just wants to be together for Tyler, perhaps just because its easier. I keep thinking all the shit that has happened over the last few years I simply just imagined.

First off I haven't been the best. I have been very emotional over the last 2.5years, I haven't been as much fun, I would get stressed out and I did snap many times, but in that I never got any support! I went through 2 miscarriages and he was there for the first, perhaps because I fell to pieces, I was so scared of the surgery to remove our baby and he held my hand and held me when it was over. The 2nd he was rather impartial to, and then when that was finally over he hated me trying to get help even after 8 months of trying and absolutely nothing. We had fallen pregnant the two times we DTD at the right time, why after 8 months nothing? Anyway he never apologised  for dragging his feet even when we did find out there was a reason.

During the pregnancy he was extremely disconnected. not showing much interest at all.  I put this down to the emotional roller coaster we had already been on and that once bub was born he would be a wonderful father.

During labour I felt very alone. I dismissed it as he was just out of his comfort zone and didn't really know what to do.  Once Tyler was born though I still didn't feel like his heart was there. His mind just seemed else where and it never improved! He started going the other way completely! spending less and less time with the family! wanting to spend all his time with his mates.  Again I dismissed it as he was stressed at work and just needed time out, once Christmas came I thought he would have some time off and spend some nice time with us. Nope didn't happen.

When ever I tried to talk about any of this he just got angry and mean and nasty and I was starting to do the same. Eventually it got to boiling point and that's when I moved out.

On top of this I have had my parents nasty and bitter divorce and my DH and I are smack bang in the middle.  Over 4 years ago they helped us purchase our home.  My family has a trust account and this trust holds the mortgage on our home and we pay that off.  At first no interest but when they separated the loan started incurring full interest and this is where the problems started.  Its OK at the moment whilst I have maternity payments but once they stop it will get hard. Its a big house with a big mortgage and one we would never have gotten into if it hadn't been for my parents offering.

Now I should have known better, my parents have never willingly helped me out without continually bringing it up and expecting constant thanks and pulling rank on things and using it as a bargaining chip when required.   DH and I are trying to get out of the house but the market is crap and we are looking at getting less for it than when we bought it even though we have put in over $100000 worth of improvements. Because of this DH and I have been trying to think of something that might help everyone out.  My dad currently lives on his industrial property, he loves the house and we thought perhaps the family trust could buy us out and he could live in it and then the house just simply becomes part of their settlement. Of course my mum wont have a bar of this and now I am just a selfish bitch that just expects everything! Wonderful.

This of course creates more stress and tension between DH and I, I can understand why DH is at breaking point sometimes, I have enough trouble with it and its my stupid family.

I really want to just be gone with the house, for DH to get rid of any financial ties with everyone and just see how we go with just the two of us.  I want to see if he is still the same when we have less interference from other parties or if he is just different to the man I married. To see if his selfish nature recently is due to other things or if this just now just him.

All of this though makes me feel like I am really starting to struggle.  I want to hide under the covers and not get out of bed. I don't have as much patience with Tyler, I don't want to talk to friends or family.  I just want to pretend the world just doesn't exist.

Perhaps this feeling will pass.  Maybe AF is on the way.  I know breastfeeding can play a big factor in hormones but I definitely feel at breaking point.

I am going to take the day out tomorrow and not get out of bed if I don't have to.  I will feed and sleep with Tyler all day if he is happy to do that.  We have done it before when we have both needed it. Maybe doing this will help get my head back in the right place.

Thing that scares me is if it doesn't work between DH and I, I am 30 this year, I have no intention of ever rushing things with anyone else, so Tyler would probably be my only child.  Am I OK with this? I know this isn't the reason for staying with DH. Is this the reason why I am trying to make it work? Will this just lead to more heartache and fighting and sadness? Am I staying because I feel so unhappy with myself I worry no one else will be attracted to me? Is this unhappiness with myself causing issues between DH and I? Will me getting fit and loosing weight help us become happier again because I will be happier? Do I feel resentment that I feel DH doesn't find me attractive even though I feel like love should see through that?  I am not carrying that much and it was due to pregnancy not simply because I am fat!

That's about all my head can handle right now. didn't re-read so if you made it this far and lots didn't make sense sorry!