Excited but nervous.

So it's VERY early and I'm a bit nervous but yesterday I got my BFP! 

I didn't get a positive opk until cd19! I'm cd 30 now but I just worry about the viability of the egg when ovulation is so late. I've passed my normal cd28 cycle day without AF showing but just have to make it to Tuesday when AF is due based off the pos opk. I've had lots of sharp twingy pains. I kinda remember them but u still get nervous about it all. 

If I make it to Monday and my tests have gotten darker I will ring and book in with my on 6th. Just to check position, dates and HB of course. Will be about 7 weeks. 

Comeon bubba stick! If it does it will be my 4th and final baby so I'm going to try and enjoy this pregnancy. 

the time has come to update

So it has been a while since I updated here but the time has come for number 4! 

Well not yet we are going to start trying early next year but it's nearly November so that means only 2 more months to prepare for the girl away. 

I started the diet about a month ago. Whoa my body hates dairy. It makes me so bloated and tummy pain. I'm going to push through it though hopefully it doesn't take us too long to fall pg and and can drop back. I'm taking supplements d calcium, magnesium, and vitex. I'm taking vitex as my cycle was a mess. I was ovulating late on cd20-22 but my AF was arrivin cd 26-27.

So now I'm still ovulating late on cd19 but my cycle has lengthened to a 31day cycle. 

I don't care about the late ovulating as long as my LP holds out to actually allow the egg to implant. 

I will also be sending some urine samples away to urobiolgoics. I know people will have their negative oppinions I don't care. 

So the idea is that women will alternate their cycles between boy and girl. This theory was proposed by a dr a very long time ago can't remember the drs name or the dates he was around but since then this has been expanded on.

So yes it's the sperm that decided girl or boy as all eggs only contain X chromosomes. But it has been found that X and Y sperm are differently charged. This is used by the microsort method in the US. 

Because the sperm are differently charged an egg that is also differently charged and the internal environment of a woman can already have decided which sperm it will attach and allow to fertilise the egg. 

So based of this if it alternates if u track ur cycles after u have had a baby u can basically help chose the gender of ur next child. 

I have charted since my first miscarriage in 2009. This was a girl. I counted through and all my boys were indeed conceived in boy cycles. 

Now I do think I know which cycle I am in. But I had the implanon put in for a month. It stuffed my cycle etc so I just want to confirm I am in the cycle that I am. 

Anyway have to run kids want breakfast more on this later 

Week5

So this week has been both really good and really bad.

So the week started off great I had my first PT session. Tabatta HIIT session. It's Thursday and I'm still sore! Which is awesome. After I still managed a 2.77km jog In 20mins. Tuesday and Wednesday was mainly cardio as i was sore mixed with some weights. Tuesday I finally cracked 3km in 20mins! Yay! 

Anyway the cold I have had for what 2 weeks now just keep amping up. It was bad yesterday but last night I could not stop coughing. Heavy chesty flem both on chest and in nose. Dark thuck green yellow stuff. So gross. :( I made the decision over night i needed a  rest day to let my body fight this cold a little. Then when I got up this morning my first lot of monthlys arrived. First proper one after the birth of zach. It's amazing how they just make u EAT! 

This morning was bad. I had a few bites of the boys iced finger buns :( then I had a ham, cheese and avocado rice mountain bread wrap, and to top it off I had 2 mini milky ways! Agh! All before lunch. 

I weighed in at 82kg 2 days ago so I could have dropped down to 81.5kg at tomorrow's weigh in but now I will be lucky if I make the 82. 

After that slip up I decided to refresh my motivation and go through online weight loss transformation pics and blogs. Was a good idea as I feel motivated again. Only 1/2 a day blown. 

Hopefully tomorrow I will feel better and can smash it at the gym. Pull my head in and stick strong to my diet! Might be time to print out some of my motivational pics I have on my iPhone and iPad. Stick them on the fridge. Help bring home the back half of this challenge! 

One more week until half way. I can do this! 

Whirl wind of a mental roller coaster

So I haven't written in here in ages and don't get me wrong my family is very busy and settling into a routine. Little zach is nearly 15weeks old. He is a happy contented baby. B and I went through some issues again but it seems to revolve around when a new baby arrives. He has never been one to cope with stress of any kind. Now zach is older he is coping much better. 

With all this being said I know there is Another baby in my future. This is where the mental mushy brain comes in. I'm all over the place. I'm happy focusing on the gym and losing weight and toning up at the moment. I have some career plans I would like to achieve but at the same time every new pregnancy I hear about i wish it was me. Thing is I spoke to B finally about my longing for a girl. After a very long discussion he actually agreed to IVF/PGD to guarantee a girl. Problem is I did my research and crunched the numbers there is absolutely no way we could afford it in the next 5 years. That makes the gap way too big especially having the first 3 close but also means I will be 37 before we could do it. Whoa no thanks. 

It's between $15-18k. My idea was save a house deposit then borrow a little extra on the house loan for the car and the baby. Unless the nhmrc change the law in the current review or simply won't be possible. 

Thing about that is they don't allow gender selection here in Australia even for family balancing because they say it's unethical and immoral. With this new blood test u can get done at 10weeks (~$1000) u can find out with 99% accuracy the baby's gender. I've been following some forums and couples are aborting the baby if it's not the desired gender as abortion in Australia is legal before 20weeks or what ever it is! How is that more ethical or moral than choosing a baby that's wanted. It's a lot cheaper to have abortion after abortion than go overseas to gender select. Btw I could and Would never abort a baby. 

Anyway that is off topic. 

I was thinking sometimes toward the end of next year start trying. That way bub is a few months old when Tyler starts school making the school runs a bit easier. 

Here comes the hard part. The gender sway! B has agreed to give it all but what is that? Diet, timing, supplements etc? Or the really extreme methods I've read about involving egg white and centrifuges? I know it's ages away but it's on my mind always. I want to be done. I want to shut up shop. Have my body back for good. Waiting until end next year means 3 more years until I'm finished. I will be 35! Agh I'm exhausted just thinking about it. I'm working is hard to get my baby weight off that being pregnant again means more steps back. 

But then comes the mental battle that if we try so hard for a girl and it's a boy! Then what? Of course I would love him like the 3 I already have they are my world but it means I still don't have that girl I really long for :( 

The little man is here

So it's been a while. With having 2 little ones and the exhuation of pregnancy I didn't get time for anything really. 

Little Zachary Brad arrived 17/3/14 @ 17:03 3.87kg 54cm 

The birth was fantastic. I was induced due to his big size. He was above the 97th percentile and for 10days early he was still a big boy. Arrived OB assessed me and I was 2cm so he was able to break my waters. I was on the Ctg machine for a while after as they like to make sure bub was ok with the breaking of membranes. We had a couple of 90bpm readings which we worked out likely to be the placenta as it was anterior. 

Once the midwife was happy bub was stable we were allowed to go for a walk. We walked around the hospital grounds a few times. I went up and down some stairs. By 10am nothing was progressing so we opted for the drip to get things moving. 

I was doing well with contractions but at around 1 I thought time for an epidural. I'm thinking I can go without if I ever go again! I had an hour of happy before my normal break through pain started. I was already 7cm when the epi went in so I didn't have far to go. About an hour of break through pain and I was getting the urge to push. Turns out my break through pain comes as I go through transition.

I wanted to push but they wanted me to wait until my OB got their and could assess me to make sure I was ready to push. So I was breathing through each contraction.

OB arrived checked yep fully dilated and ready to go. I began pushing but it didn't feel right I didn't have any strength. I felt so weak and I just couldn't push :( 

Turns out I was trying to push and still breath through contractions. Hahaha oops that so doesn't work.

so once I stopped breathing through them and started actually pushing before I knew it like 5-10pushs and my dr says next push and he is out. wtf I hadn't done anything. But yep out he came. No vacuum no issues to nothing he was just born! 

Things are settling down a little bit. We are having feeding issues, turns out he has a tongue tie so that gets snipped next Thursday but at the moment I'm having to use shields and also top up formula feed. Some of his feeds were gettig up to 4+ hours and he just wouldn't settle to sleep. I felt guilty about the formula at first but the poor bugger was hungry. Since then I have started feeling a bit more in control of things. 

Tyler and Blake can be a hand full I think it's just them adjusting to the new addition. Some days I get hardly any sleep and that's usually because I'm dealing with 2-3 kids up during the night. When it's just Zach feeding its fine but like last night Blake is teething and he woke around 11 and it took me 3 hours to resettle him. 

I think life will be hectic for a while. 

Me wise I have lost 7 1/2 kg already which is good. I can't wait to get back into some exercise but I think finding the time will be the hard part. Even for a 30min run or ride. I'm trying to eat well but the lack of sleep has me looking for empty calories. :( just need one night of ok sleep to refocus. I know I can do it. 

Guilty thoughts again re a girl

So i am still going up and down on this roller coaster. 

First of all this has nothing to do with bub. Just over 13weeks until we meet him and I honestly can't wait.  So excited about new born cuddles again and the tiny baby clothes etc! 

This is the feeling of just wanting a daughter. Its always in the back of my mind always something I am thinking about just sometimes it just gets me down. 

Which is silly! This is where the guilt comes in. I do have 2 gorgeous boys and another on the way. Recently a mum from Tyler's dig lost her daughter during delivery. Having healthy babies is the main thing I know this but I can't shake this want for a girl. 

In my mind I am set on having 4 so I know I have one more shot. I know I can give it everything I have to gender sway but what if it doesn't work? I should be happy its a healthy baby and of course I will be I will do this again. But knowing I won't have 5 will it be worse? 

the Ivf/PGD is something I think about but one is the cost but it's also that we can have kids naturally without issues why do I find the need to force a girl? I keep saying what will be will be an if its meant to be a boy then it is but I'm also a scientist and people have help to have babies all the time why can't I get help to have the baby I so long for? 

I think deep down we will do it naturally with the gender sway but I am already so nervous about finding out its a boy. Its years away and already I feel the anxiety from it. 

Just rambling now it's such a hard thing to explain. 

I am exhausted from having kids so close together but I know as they get older it will get easier. Once we have a bigger car adding the next child won't be hard well until school fees hit. Also having more kids means we are restricted for money available to each child. 4 was my limit but if its a boy will I be able to stop at 4? Will I ever get over this feeling? Agh! 

New blog address - massive vent added

So this is my new blog :) 

http://2bafitandhealthymum.blogspot.com.au/?m=1

On the family front bubba 3 is giving me a little bit of grief. Not sure what it is can't put my finger on it. 

Ok so I haven't let things out on here or a while. I wonder what is the point? Put it out there a few people in the world might read it, it gets it off my chest but it fixes nothing. This crap is like déjà vu and my head is about ready to explode. 

So the problem with bub 3 is my blood pressure is going up. I can feel it in my face. It's like a knot builds in my gut an my BP starts rising my face starts swelling and bam I feel like crap. Why is my BP rising? Stress! Of course! 

So B ceased his business about 3 1/2 months ago now. Said he physically couldn't do it anymore. Fine. U can't push ur body to do something it physically can't. I suggested he give anti depressants a go because the tiredness he is always feeling isn't normal. He was cleared of any medical issues. He tried them for about a month. Said they just made him feel dazed. Again fine can't force him. 

About the same time he stopped his business I found out he had gone on a gambling binge. Ended up being about $3.5k yay! Me trying to be understanding and supporting didn't lose it I swollowed the stress and asked him to see a councillor. Which he did again for about a month. In that month he took up drinking every day. Eventually I said we can't afford u to drink every day. He didn't listen until I said I wanted to join a gym which was $7.50 a week plus about $20 for crèche. He flat out said no we can't afford it. I made the comparison to the $50 a week he spends on alcohol so he stopped. Now instread he has taken op smoking pot again. wtf! I can't win.

So in this time he hasn't worked. He has gone for 2 job interviews. He has applied for a few more but the job market is really tough and he is putting in a real half arsed effort. He is also going fishing at least once a week for at least 12hours, he stays up late playing is video games and sleeps in until atleast 8am every day. 

As u can imagine I am or basically have lost all patience. Then today we get a bill in the mail an outstandig debt I knew we had for a tax bill from his business as his gambling splurge was out of that money and he had to pay PAYG on it. Basically in a nut shell it says pay immediately or it goes to the debt collector. 

Omfg seriously? He was supposed to ring say he couldn't pay right now what can we put in place? Obviously he hasn't! If it goes to the debt collector there goes any credit rating we had and any chance of ever buying a house again. 

On the money we get we are $400 a fn short on our bills so my yes my credit card is creeping up. 

I feel like I am losing my mind. A 32yo 16yo! I've given up saying anything especially now he is smoking again as he is completely irrational. I feel like I want to move out again. That's not fair on the boys though they love both of us and I couldn't tear that up right now. Wtf am I supposed to do?  Some days I am ok with ignoring it other like today it does my head in. I want to yell and scream at him until he realises what is actually going on. I just don't know how he can't see it. What happened in his up bringing that made him void to any responsibility? 

Ok head wants to exploid can't keep making myself more annoyed.