For me this is the angriest u could ever get! So blinding u feel like and could possibly do unimaginable things!
I have felt this twice in my life. The first time when I found out my ex of 4 years (my first in every way) had been sleeping with someone else (as well as me) for 3months!
The 2nd time was last night! And I am still feeling the remnants of it today! I had my uncles 50th and I was just going to take Tyler with me and put him down in the porta cot. Problem was the party started at 4 and Tyler's bed time isn't until at least 7. This wouldn't have been a problem except there were so many smokers there and I just couldn't escape the smoke and I really do hate exposing Tyler to it!
So I knew ex DH (yep now has the ex in front of it) wasn't doing anything and thought well we have to get used to this co sharing thing so asked if he could come get him and look after him for a bit and he did.
I got home around 9:30pm. I thought everything was fine but it did seem that ex DH was drunk as he was slurring a bit but saw no evidence of drinking so brushed it off. I have to learn to trust him to look after Tyler and that he would be responsible enough to stay sober! A drink or 2 fine but still functioning) Omg how fast that feeling changed.
I was getting ready for bed and noticed the nursery door open and went to close it as it's been raining and the dogs get wet and I didn't want them sleeping on it.
As I closed the door i heard the fan in the spare bathroom going and thought ex DH had left it on or accidentally turned it on after he gave Tyler a bath as I do it all the time and popped my head in the flick it off!
Oh no. This is when the rage switch flicked on! He had been f**king smoking pot. Tyler is in his care and he is stoned. I could not believe it anything could have happened!
I lost my Sh*t at this point. I went 100% psycho! (omg never come between a mother and her child u will not win) I kicked him out whilst screaming and throwing everything I could at him! He just didn't understand why I was so angry which made me even angrier!
I locked him and and told him to not come back! He can get his stuff after Tyler and I move out on Tuesday! He didn't dare come back thank goodness because i am still furious this morning and I don't know what I will do when I see him again! I know I certainly will not be nice or amicable!
Thing is I am so so so angry at myself. I trusted this loser! What if something had happened to Tyler I would never be able to forgive myself!
So now he has lost all visiting rights. If he wants to see him he can take me to court and I will only allow supervised visits and he will have to get regular drug testing done to prove he isn't using!
Even stupider of me I didn't realise till this morning that he picked him up! He drove stoned with my son in the car! I have seen people drive stoned before they r so impaired! I am livid.
So yep that was my eventful evening! So next 2 days will be spent packing to get out of here Tuesday! No taking a couple of days to move! I will be getting removalists on and we r gone!
I was so happy to give my little man a big hug when he woke up this morning. The thought of something happening to him omg I just wouldn't recover.
Not sure how long it will take me to calm down from this but it won't be any time soon!
Berry
Tyler
Blake
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
Cont.
So where did I finish off! Can't really remember but I do know after that last post I lost my marbles! Thursday is the day ALL our direct debit bills come out of the account. We currently have $300 in the account. So I said to DH can u please transfer some money from ur business account to cover bills. His reply was i will have a look.
He left at this point and rang me 10mins later to explain that there is no money in the account! Ummm excuse me WTF????
I asked how on earth did he expect me to pay the bills? His response was "I honestly don't care!"
Omg i lost it. I normally keep my sh*t together but after this i couldn't I let him have it.
After my blow up i was of down the coast to catch up with some mums. Whilst I was there I got a msg from him commenting on the weather. Ummm what?
I ignored that! I finished up with the mums and had to stop and grab food on my way home. I didn't get too much as it was only some basics I needed but as I hadn't had breakfast or lunch I grabbed a BBQ chicken. Now as DH hasn't given me any money for around 2 months I am living off my credit card and again bought these groceries using that. Get home fed Tyler and put him down for a nap and had a bite to eat. DH wanders in (he had been watching TV - yep hard life when u don't work) and asks if he can have some and starts talking like nothing was the matter!!
Again WTF?? Did I imagine the events of the morning??? I again let him have it because I seriously can't keep putting up with these games!
So I have moved
my lease start date forward to Tuesday and I can't wait! To be free of this daily emotional abuse! I don't mind having to be the provider for my family as well as mum, house keeper etc but there is no way i am supporting another adult anymore simply because he doesn't feel up to going to work?
Anyway I am sure this crap will go on for a while. I honestly don't think he realised it's happening. He probably thinks we will have a break and in 6 months we will be back together. But i won't go back now! I can't! There is only so many times u can be emotionally beaten before u finally learn the lesson!
I had a really horrible day emotionally the other day! I am excited by the though that maybe one day I might meet someone that will love me and treat me with the respect I deserve and love my little man like his own but it hit home how different things r for me!
I am still 20kg over weight, my boobs are saggy and non existent since stopping breast feeding, my stomach is floppy with stretch marks and my VJ well let's not even go there! Normally when in ur family these little imperfections are looked passed because u love each other, u have created a beautiful life together, but to start fresh with a new man. Very scary thought and it really did upset me. Mostly over it now but i can imagine I will revisit those feelings!
The little man is going great. Been off his reflux meds now for nearly a week. It's definitely still there and it was bothering him a fair bit today so I am trying an anti reflux formula to see if we can help it with out the meds.
He like sitting up, he will sit on his own with out falling over for well over 30mins now. He is back to not really liking his back or tummy but i think that's re reflux.
He is still sleeping great. Sleeps through the night every night. He normally has 2x2-3hour + 1x1hour nap every day. He was a bit off this today he only slept for an hour at a time 4 naps in total but I think it's again the reflux bothering him.
His half birthday is coming up. I can't believe he is nearly 6 months old!! Time seriously does fly!
Some more pics :) love my pics! Hehe
He left at this point and rang me 10mins later to explain that there is no money in the account! Ummm excuse me WTF????
I asked how on earth did he expect me to pay the bills? His response was "I honestly don't care!"
Omg i lost it. I normally keep my sh*t together but after this i couldn't I let him have it.
After my blow up i was of down the coast to catch up with some mums. Whilst I was there I got a msg from him commenting on the weather. Ummm what?
I ignored that! I finished up with the mums and had to stop and grab food on my way home. I didn't get too much as it was only some basics I needed but as I hadn't had breakfast or lunch I grabbed a BBQ chicken. Now as DH hasn't given me any money for around 2 months I am living off my credit card and again bought these groceries using that. Get home fed Tyler and put him down for a nap and had a bite to eat. DH wanders in (he had been watching TV - yep hard life when u don't work) and asks if he can have some and starts talking like nothing was the matter!!
Again WTF?? Did I imagine the events of the morning??? I again let him have it because I seriously can't keep putting up with these games!
So I have moved
my lease start date forward to Tuesday and I can't wait! To be free of this daily emotional abuse! I don't mind having to be the provider for my family as well as mum, house keeper etc but there is no way i am supporting another adult anymore simply because he doesn't feel up to going to work?
Anyway I am sure this crap will go on for a while. I honestly don't think he realised it's happening. He probably thinks we will have a break and in 6 months we will be back together. But i won't go back now! I can't! There is only so many times u can be emotionally beaten before u finally learn the lesson!
I had a really horrible day emotionally the other day! I am excited by the though that maybe one day I might meet someone that will love me and treat me with the respect I deserve and love my little man like his own but it hit home how different things r for me!
I am still 20kg over weight, my boobs are saggy and non existent since stopping breast feeding, my stomach is floppy with stretch marks and my VJ well let's not even go there! Normally when in ur family these little imperfections are looked passed because u love each other, u have created a beautiful life together, but to start fresh with a new man. Very scary thought and it really did upset me. Mostly over it now but i can imagine I will revisit those feelings!
The little man is going great. Been off his reflux meds now for nearly a week. It's definitely still there and it was bothering him a fair bit today so I am trying an anti reflux formula to see if we can help it with out the meds.
He like sitting up, he will sit on his own with out falling over for well over 30mins now. He is back to not really liking his back or tummy but i think that's re reflux.
He is still sleeping great. Sleeps through the night every night. He normally has 2x2-3hour + 1x1hour nap every day. He was a bit off this today he only slept for an hour at a time 4 naps in total but I think it's again the reflux bothering him.
His half birthday is coming up. I can't believe he is nearly 6 months old!! Time seriously does fly!
Some more pics :) love my pics! Hehe
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
When life throws u lemons all u can do is try and make lemonade thebest u can
So a few things have been going on and it's now time to get them out.
Tyler and I move into our own place on the 5th. I am nervous and scared, being a single mum is hard work but I couldn't go on the way we were.
I gave it everything I had to try and make my relationship work but both people have to want it and want to put in effort for it to work. We tried marriage counseling but it was pointless. He still hasn't worked in nearly 2 months, we have no money, he goes fishing everyday and could possibly be still smoking the pot. he doesn't see the issue with it and said he won't give it up even if it meant the end if our marriage. But that wasn't breaking point. Breaking point came when we have no money and firstly I can't talk to him about it because he flips out but secondly when doing the books for his business I found out over Christmas he blew over $1000 in gambling. He flatly refused to talk about it and then starting making out like it was all my fault that he did it. He is like a teenager that can't deal with responsibility or be a grown up about anything. It was at this point I realised he will never change he doesn't want to and he will continue treating me like rubbish and it was up to me to stop simply letting him do it.
I am very sad about it all. I never expected to be a single mum. My dream of a family and more kids is gone at least for now but I need to be strong for Tyler.
Well better run the little man is awake. More on this later!
Tyler and I move into our own place on the 5th. I am nervous and scared, being a single mum is hard work but I couldn't go on the way we were.
I gave it everything I had to try and make my relationship work but both people have to want it and want to put in effort for it to work. We tried marriage counseling but it was pointless. He still hasn't worked in nearly 2 months, we have no money, he goes fishing everyday and could possibly be still smoking the pot. he doesn't see the issue with it and said he won't give it up even if it meant the end if our marriage. But that wasn't breaking point. Breaking point came when we have no money and firstly I can't talk to him about it because he flips out but secondly when doing the books for his business I found out over Christmas he blew over $1000 in gambling. He flatly refused to talk about it and then starting making out like it was all my fault that he did it. He is like a teenager that can't deal with responsibility or be a grown up about anything. It was at this point I realised he will never change he doesn't want to and he will continue treating me like rubbish and it was up to me to stop simply letting him do it.
I am very sad about it all. I never expected to be a single mum. My dream of a family and more kids is gone at least for now but I need to be strong for Tyler.
Well better run the little man is awake. More on this later!
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Omg again!!!
He slept through again I couldn't believe it! I slept much better which was wonderful too. Now for the next big challenged of getting him to go to bed later so he sleeps in later although maybe I should just change my mind set as I would probably get the same amount of sleep anyway! This morning though he was awake at 4:15 :( that just isn't a time of day to be awake. He is napping again now has been for about 1.5 hours so far but I can never go back for a nap at this time of day (mid morning)
Problem with trying to change his bed time even though he woke from a nap yesterday at 5:30 by 6:30 he was extremely tired an grumpy and showing his I need to go to sleep right now or I will pass into that over tired stage so he was in bed at his normal time of 7pm.
Well for now I am just going to enjoy him sleeping through.
Some pics from our play time in the garden
Problem with trying to change his bed time even though he woke from a nap yesterday at 5:30 by 6:30 he was extremely tired an grumpy and showing his I need to go to sleep right now or I will pass into that over tired stage so he was in bed at his normal time of 7pm.
Well for now I am just going to enjoy him sleeping through.
Some pics from our play time in the garden
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Omg
After 5 months and 1 week the little man has finally slept through!! 7pm-5:15am! I unfortunately didn't get much sleep at all as I was constantly checking him but so happy he slept through! Let's hope it's not a one off.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
5 months and hormones
Wow everyone forgets to tell u when u get the first AF the lead up is a doozy!
My hormones are changing so much it's insane. I was exhausted yesterday, today I am feeling much better but I have had a killer headache for days. I know it's from the change in hormones, I just can't wait for them to go back to normal. I feel so teary too and thats just not on I hate crying!
Well the little man turned 5 months on Sunday. It's a truly amazing journey they go on! He has been so happy. I am cutting back his reflux meds and I can see it's bothering him a little but he is definitely way better than what he was and I think that's because of the formula.
I am loving this blogging app btw it makes it all so much easier! Hmm maybe that's not a good thing.
There is other stuff happening right now but I am not up for blogging it maybe later!
Happy little munchkin @ 5 months and also a pick of him standing up straight in his walker he loves it! He can now go forward too which is awesome! I love watching him try to figure out getting somewhere! He knows where he wants to go it's just a matter of figuring out which way to move to get there. U can see his mind ticking it over. Hehe I could watch him play all day!
My hormones are changing so much it's insane. I was exhausted yesterday, today I am feeling much better but I have had a killer headache for days. I know it's from the change in hormones, I just can't wait for them to go back to normal. I feel so teary too and thats just not on I hate crying!
Well the little man turned 5 months on Sunday. It's a truly amazing journey they go on! He has been so happy. I am cutting back his reflux meds and I can see it's bothering him a little but he is definitely way better than what he was and I think that's because of the formula.
I am loving this blogging app btw it makes it all so much easier! Hmm maybe that's not a good thing.
There is other stuff happening right now but I am not up for blogging it maybe later!
Happy little munchkin @ 5 months and also a pick of him standing up straight in his walker he loves it! He can now go forward too which is awesome! I love watching him try to figure out getting somewhere! He knows where he wants to go it's just a matter of figuring out which way to move to get there. U can see his mind ticking it over. Hehe I could watch him play all day!
Monday, February 13, 2012
Tired
:( my body must be going through some hormonal stages after stopping breast feeding, I can't think of why else I would be so darn tired!
I just don't have the energy to do anything right now. Thinking maybe I should do a bit of a detox to see if that helps. I can't eve muster the energy to go for a run!
Doesn't help that today I feel sick as well. I really do dislike feeling sick it's such an inconvenience!
Looking forward to bed tonight and waking up fresh tomorrow. Might be a bit more tired today compared to normal as I stayed up watching bones. Love that shows. Will be going to bed after the biggest looser tonight!!!!
I just don't have the energy to do anything right now. Thinking maybe I should do a bit of a detox to see if that helps. I can't eve muster the energy to go for a run!
Doesn't help that today I feel sick as well. I really do dislike feeling sick it's such an inconvenience!
Looking forward to bed tonight and waking up fresh tomorrow. Might be a bit more tired today compared to normal as I stayed up watching bones. Love that shows. Will be going to bed after the biggest looser tonight!!!!
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