I feel like my head is a complete jumbled mess.
So AF arrived 2 days earlier than I expected if I ovulated on cd16. So if it was 14 we just didn't pregnant but I am thinking perhaps I never ovulated at all.
Stupid body. So screwed up.
So not pregnant yep good fine what ever. I have no issue with it. Would have been nice for a whoopsy surprise, would have meant I didn't have to think about crap but now all the thoughts are there.
I went through, we aren't financial enough for another baby, but I really want a girl, but I am likely to have another boy, I'm so tired could I handle a other one, its not really fair on the boys both financially and time wise to bring another baby in, I do want one but if I go back to work that's more time and once we are past babies do I want to go back, putting all this effort into losing weight if I get pregnant it will go straight back on, my body is a baby fat magnet, but I want my body back for a while so I can lose some weight an feel better about myself, etc etc round an around I went. I decide on the no baby right now thing until I see a little girl or hold one Etc and it all starts all over again.
Then I can see the bond Tyler is now getting with B. Tyler copies everything daddy does and he just wants to be right beside daddy being a mini me. It's gorgeous to watch but makes me want a girl even more. She might be a daddies girl and do the exact same as Tyler but I do still want a girl.
Agh I am not winning this mental battle at all. Grrrrr
Berry
Tyler
Blake
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Bfn
Did a test with an fmu this morning and no line As I expected. :) all good though im not too bothered by it all. I did get excited for a split second but it wasn't like we were banking on definitely wanting to be pregnant it simply would have been a nice surprise.
AF still not due till wed-Friday so ages yet. If no AF on Friday I will test then. I know I'm not likely to be pregnant and I won't have a drink until next weekend anyway so no reason to waste a test. Unless I get any overwhelming pregnant symptom which I doubt i would as usually nothing really hits until 6 weeks well except one thing that has happened every time I have been pregnant and its probably the earliest symptom for me and that's crying. Driving in the car and a song comes on never same song or anything. But I just start balling my eyes out at the words. It's full uncontrolled sadness crying as I listen and imagine the story behind the words. Every time its happened I have thought - I'm pregnant! And every time i was right, its only ever happened when early pregnant. If that happens I will be testing!
AF still not due till wed-Friday so ages yet. If no AF on Friday I will test then. I know I'm not likely to be pregnant and I won't have a drink until next weekend anyway so no reason to waste a test. Unless I get any overwhelming pregnant symptom which I doubt i would as usually nothing really hits until 6 weeks well except one thing that has happened every time I have been pregnant and its probably the earliest symptom for me and that's crying. Driving in the car and a song comes on never same song or anything. But I just start balling my eyes out at the words. It's full uncontrolled sadness crying as I listen and imagine the story behind the words. Every time its happened I have thought - I'm pregnant! And every time i was right, its only ever happened when early pregnant. If that happens I will be testing!
Friday, June 14, 2013
So cruel
First ever evap line. Boohoo.
So our wedding anniversary was during the week and we both missed it. Oops. Lol happens when u get so busy with life. Anyway B and I decided we would just sit out by the fire and have a few drinks tonight like we used to before kids.
Well I have been thinking about having those few drinks all day and although only to be around 8-10dpo if I am pregnant I would feel so bad for having a drink.
So I though its not fmu and It will be negative but at least I won't feel guilty about having a few drinks.
Well I had zero pee lol but it managed to move across the screen. First off I was like wtf I can see something.
Then for the next 20mins I was having an argument with myself about seeing a 2nd line. Surely not.
Finally I came to the conclusion it has to be an evap line.
I tried for well over an hour to get a photo of the stupid line eventually I just pulled the thing apart. Yep sure enough clear as day a 2nd line but no colour as far as I can tell. Clear line = evap line. I checked an old test to make sure this line was on all of them and its not.
I might test in a few days no I know I will lol. I'm a poasaholic! I know its so unlikely we will be pregnant but oh no this has certainly flare it all up. I either expect AF to turn up Wednesday if it were a normal cycle or Friday if I ovulated when I thought i did.
I have 1xFR left and 1xclear blue digital.
See how long I can hold out!!! Doesn't matter if we aren't but I really do hate this waiting.
So our wedding anniversary was during the week and we both missed it. Oops. Lol happens when u get so busy with life. Anyway B and I decided we would just sit out by the fire and have a few drinks tonight like we used to before kids.
Well I have been thinking about having those few drinks all day and although only to be around 8-10dpo if I am pregnant I would feel so bad for having a drink.
So I though its not fmu and It will be negative but at least I won't feel guilty about having a few drinks.
Well I had zero pee lol but it managed to move across the screen. First off I was like wtf I can see something.
Then for the next 20mins I was having an argument with myself about seeing a 2nd line. Surely not.
Finally I came to the conclusion it has to be an evap line.
I tried for well over an hour to get a photo of the stupid line eventually I just pulled the thing apart. Yep sure enough clear as day a 2nd line but no colour as far as I can tell. Clear line = evap line. I checked an old test to make sure this line was on all of them and its not.
I might test in a few days no I know I will lol. I'm a poasaholic! I know its so unlikely we will be pregnant but oh no this has certainly flare it all up. I either expect AF to turn up Wednesday if it were a normal cycle or Friday if I ovulated when I thought i did.
I have 1xFR left and 1xclear blue digital.
See how long I can hold out!!! Doesn't matter if we aren't but I really do hate this waiting.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Little Blakey
Little Blakey is just that little.
He had his needles today :( poor bubby he certainly isn't a fan. He did well though, cried a lot but he calmed down once I took him away from the nasty dr who hurt him lol.
He got weighed and measured and he was 7.9kg and 66cm. So small.
Tyler was 8.8kg and 72cm.
He is such a happy little man though and he is doing so much better on the lactose free formula. I will give it to him for a couple of weeks and then try the normal one again and see how he goes. Really hoping he doesn't have a milk allergy. Development wise he is doing well. Still commando crawling backward. Sits for 20mins or so without toppling now too which is good. Unless he is tired then he won't sit at all. His leg strength had increased a lot over the last week or two as well and he loves spending time up on his feet. He really is such a cutie pie.
Poor Tyler has hand foot and mouth again. He had been off all weekend I figured it was from teething as he wasn't eating and had the worst poos. When I dropped him off to daycare on Tuesday morning there was a notice to say a child had it the week before. When Tyler came him I checked his hands and feet and yep the blistery rash had broken out during the day. U really have to look for it though. He has had it before really bad so this time it's really mind and he only had maybe 5 or so spots on each foot and 1-2 on his hands. It's bad in his mouth this time though. :(
I am still shocked at his vocabulary explosion. He talks so much and surprisingly clearly. He has started saying g'day mate. Hahahaha funny as.
I have been suffering with migraines again. It's been years since I have had them this bad well other than when they were pregnancy related. They had been so bad with the light auras and light sensitivity, nausea and vomiting etc.
it's so hard to look after two little ones when the migraine is that bad. Last night I was in my own hell. I was in so much pain I couldn't sleep. I took a heap of pain meds but nothing helped. I'm going to try the chiropractor hopefully that will help. I'm hoping I don't have to go on more permanent meds again. I had the headache nearly a full week before it progressed to a full blown migraine. I haven't had any black tea or red wine so its certainly not from consuming tannins.
Horrible though. I certainly hadn't missed them and I can see why they completely debilitated me.
It's B and my anniversary today. 4 years married 7 years together, yep we have the same date for everything. Too busy to celebrate though. Maybe over the weekend. We were thinking of maybe trying to get a babysitter so we can go out to dinner. Not sure that will happen though.
He had his needles today :( poor bubby he certainly isn't a fan. He did well though, cried a lot but he calmed down once I took him away from the nasty dr who hurt him lol.
He got weighed and measured and he was 7.9kg and 66cm. So small.
Tyler was 8.8kg and 72cm.
He is such a happy little man though and he is doing so much better on the lactose free formula. I will give it to him for a couple of weeks and then try the normal one again and see how he goes. Really hoping he doesn't have a milk allergy. Development wise he is doing well. Still commando crawling backward. Sits for 20mins or so without toppling now too which is good. Unless he is tired then he won't sit at all. His leg strength had increased a lot over the last week or two as well and he loves spending time up on his feet. He really is such a cutie pie.
Poor Tyler has hand foot and mouth again. He had been off all weekend I figured it was from teething as he wasn't eating and had the worst poos. When I dropped him off to daycare on Tuesday morning there was a notice to say a child had it the week before. When Tyler came him I checked his hands and feet and yep the blistery rash had broken out during the day. U really have to look for it though. He has had it before really bad so this time it's really mind and he only had maybe 5 or so spots on each foot and 1-2 on his hands. It's bad in his mouth this time though. :(
I am still shocked at his vocabulary explosion. He talks so much and surprisingly clearly. He has started saying g'day mate. Hahahaha funny as.
I have been suffering with migraines again. It's been years since I have had them this bad well other than when they were pregnancy related. They had been so bad with the light auras and light sensitivity, nausea and vomiting etc.
it's so hard to look after two little ones when the migraine is that bad. Last night I was in my own hell. I was in so much pain I couldn't sleep. I took a heap of pain meds but nothing helped. I'm going to try the chiropractor hopefully that will help. I'm hoping I don't have to go on more permanent meds again. I had the headache nearly a full week before it progressed to a full blown migraine. I haven't had any black tea or red wine so its certainly not from consuming tannins.
Horrible though. I certainly hadn't missed them and I can see why they completely debilitated me.
It's B and my anniversary today. 4 years married 7 years together, yep we have the same date for everything. Too busy to celebrate though. Maybe over the weekend. We were thinking of maybe trying to get a babysitter so we can go out to dinner. Not sure that will happen though.
Monday, June 10, 2013
So absolutely silly
See these are the stupid thoughts I just keep having and they make no sense!
FB announcement of an old friend I still very occasionally catch up with. She is having a girl. I almost started crying! Seriously wtf! Not that I'm not completely overjoyed she is having a little girl more that I really don't understand how couples have girls. How can I want something so ridiculously much? My heart really aches for a little girl. As much as when I wanted a baby back when first starting ttc. :(
FB announcement of an old friend I still very occasionally catch up with. She is having a girl. I almost started crying! Seriously wtf! Not that I'm not completely overjoyed she is having a little girl more that I really don't understand how couples have girls. How can I want something so ridiculously much? My heart really aches for a little girl. As much as when I wanted a baby back when first starting ttc. :(
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Finally OV! Plus Brain and heart mushed rambling a!
So after my rant in my last post it looks like I finally did ovulate. No EWCM since Friday morning around 11am. I took my temp properly this morning as the boys finally both slept without interruption!! Nice normal post OV temp. So it would have been Friday at some point. Cd16.
That being said the likelihood of being pregnant is slim to none!
We DTD around 11pm on cd10. So if I ovulated around 11am on cd16 that's around 5 1/2days. Lol u would need super sperm to last that long!
It's good to know I did actually end up ovulating though. AF should arrive Sunday 22nd to give me a normal LP.
Having this whoopsy has caused my mind to go into overdrive.
There is so much churning around in there about ttc#3
I would love them close together but now I am wondering if its the best idea?
I already have 2 under 2 and if I have a third it will be 3 under 3 for 6 months.
Then there is the baby bonus that's been wiped. Whilst we would be fine without it it certainly makes it a bit easier for a while. There is paid parental leave for those that work but if I return to work I don't know if we would have another. First of all applying for a job on the pretence of maternity leave or paid parental leave just doesn't sit well wig me at all.
Then I want to be back at work full time when Tyler starts school. The year before prep i will have the boys in kindy full time in preparation for the demands of school .
As we want to send them to a semi private in primary and then a full private from year5 I will need to be at work full time to pay for fees. No way we can have a baby then.
So all this being said I keep thinking maybe we should just have our 2 boys and leave it at that. This has been making me physically cry. Lately I can't shift this overwhelming want for a girl. I get insanely jealous of anyone who has a girl or pregnant with a girl. I talk to little girls or just watch them play and I start imagining my own little girl, what she would look like etc. I know its stupid, I have 2 absolutely gorgeous boys who I love so much but I just can't seem to stop myself.
This is the other reason I am very reluctant to ttc#3. The likelihood of it being another boy is really high and although I would love him very much I would still have that overwhelming sensation of wanting that girl. I won't lie I would be upset and that wouldn't be fair. I of course would love another boy too but knowing we simply can't have another would certainly hurt and then I just know I would start trying to think about number 4 in search of that girl.
At what point will I stop? Will I just get past this feeling? We can't have 10 kids in search of a girl. We simply may never have one.
Maybe I need some kind of hypnosis to numb myself to this feeling I have.
Hmm what a load of rambling.
That being said the likelihood of being pregnant is slim to none!
We DTD around 11pm on cd10. So if I ovulated around 11am on cd16 that's around 5 1/2days. Lol u would need super sperm to last that long!
It's good to know I did actually end up ovulating though. AF should arrive Sunday 22nd to give me a normal LP.
Having this whoopsy has caused my mind to go into overdrive.
There is so much churning around in there about ttc#3
I would love them close together but now I am wondering if its the best idea?
I already have 2 under 2 and if I have a third it will be 3 under 3 for 6 months.
Then there is the baby bonus that's been wiped. Whilst we would be fine without it it certainly makes it a bit easier for a while. There is paid parental leave for those that work but if I return to work I don't know if we would have another. First of all applying for a job on the pretence of maternity leave or paid parental leave just doesn't sit well wig me at all.
Then I want to be back at work full time when Tyler starts school. The year before prep i will have the boys in kindy full time in preparation for the demands of school .
As we want to send them to a semi private in primary and then a full private from year5 I will need to be at work full time to pay for fees. No way we can have a baby then.
So all this being said I keep thinking maybe we should just have our 2 boys and leave it at that. This has been making me physically cry. Lately I can't shift this overwhelming want for a girl. I get insanely jealous of anyone who has a girl or pregnant with a girl. I talk to little girls or just watch them play and I start imagining my own little girl, what she would look like etc. I know its stupid, I have 2 absolutely gorgeous boys who I love so much but I just can't seem to stop myself.
This is the other reason I am very reluctant to ttc#3. The likelihood of it being another boy is really high and although I would love him very much I would still have that overwhelming sensation of wanting that girl. I won't lie I would be upset and that wouldn't be fair. I of course would love another boy too but knowing we simply can't have another would certainly hurt and then I just know I would start trying to think about number 4 in search of that girl.
At what point will I stop? Will I just get past this feeling? We can't have 10 kids in search of a girl. We simply may never have one.
Maybe I need some kind of hypnosis to numb myself to this feeling I have.
Hmm what a load of rambling.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Delaying ttc
Well it looks like the EWCM has finally gone but still no thermal shift.
With my cycles such a mess I think it best we delay ttc#3. I know there are still 2 more cycles before we were thinking of starting but it is all so horrible.
I did some reading and its apparently normal for ur cycle to change post baby and especially for someone like me who only had 1 AF before falling pregnant again.
It's not that my cycle has extended that would be fine its the week of EWCM that indicates a hormone imbalance in shall we at ovulation fire or in my case backfire!
And if I am indeed ovulating then I am not having a thermal shift which might mean a very low progesterone which would intern lead to a miscarriage or chemical pregnancies.
This is my 4th cycle. 1st one was smack on normal 27days from my last breast feed.
Number 2 was 25days and number 3 was 34days. Cycle3 I had mid cycle spotting and perhaps delayed ovulation at cd21 when I saw EWCM but no thermal shift. Lots of painful cramping from midcycle spotting until about 1week before AF arrived.
This cycle No midcycle spotting, EWCM for 6days. Bad cramping started 4days into EWCM and still going 3days later.
I wonder if I go to my normal dr if he would run some bloods for me while he is running the other ones to find out why I am so exhausted all the time. I am wondering if its all linked. I just don't feel like me. :( all I can think about doing is sleeping. I have started taking iron again and also added zinc into my vitamins regime to help boost immunity. Seems to have helped my mouth ulcer a bit it's not as sore today.
With my cycles such a mess I think it best we delay ttc#3. I know there are still 2 more cycles before we were thinking of starting but it is all so horrible.
I did some reading and its apparently normal for ur cycle to change post baby and especially for someone like me who only had 1 AF before falling pregnant again.
It's not that my cycle has extended that would be fine its the week of EWCM that indicates a hormone imbalance in shall we at ovulation fire or in my case backfire!
And if I am indeed ovulating then I am not having a thermal shift which might mean a very low progesterone which would intern lead to a miscarriage or chemical pregnancies.
This is my 4th cycle. 1st one was smack on normal 27days from my last breast feed.
Number 2 was 25days and number 3 was 34days. Cycle3 I had mid cycle spotting and perhaps delayed ovulation at cd21 when I saw EWCM but no thermal shift. Lots of painful cramping from midcycle spotting until about 1week before AF arrived.
This cycle No midcycle spotting, EWCM for 6days. Bad cramping started 4days into EWCM and still going 3days later.
I wonder if I go to my normal dr if he would run some bloods for me while he is running the other ones to find out why I am so exhausted all the time. I am wondering if its all linked. I just don't feel like me. :( all I can think about doing is sleeping. I have started taking iron again and also added zinc into my vitamins regime to help boost immunity. Seems to have helped my mouth ulcer a bit it's not as sore today.
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