CD22

So I am trying to find some edge of optimism here, my temperatures have plateaued, well except for the jump from lack of sleep the other night. That usually only happens after ovulation for me. So maybe just maybe I did ovulate. I would have been around CD17 which would have been fine! I will keep holding out on hope for that, even though I know it is EXTREMELY far fetched!

So going on that I would be expecting AF no later than next Sunday! so Fingers crossed! lol I just realised that I have been a night away in the city next weekend with DH and AF should hopefully be here. Hmm that sounds like a lot of fun! NOT!

Might have to reschedule that for the following week! Well unless AF is late then it might be that weekend. Oh who knows!

Nothing much to update from me though, still plottering along! I have been watching One Tree Hill lately. Love TV series like that! but anyway, the season I have just watched, 2 people just found out they are pregnant and they both have announced it to the world. they are more worried about accidental falling pregnant and the impact it will have on their lives, not the thought of possibly loosing it! I guess that scenario does actually happen for some people!

CD21

Wow so glad its Friday!

Somedays I just really with I had some rose coloured optimism. I know my OB said he thinks I will be perfectly fine, I am young and my success rate should be good, I just don't see it.

I mean I know people have anovulatory cycles all the time but I never have :( so seeing AF come next Thursday would be a miracle. I just keep telling myself even though I ovulated late in my January cycle my AF still arrived on time. So I am hoping and praying that is still the case this time. I just know I will be completely gutted if she doesn't arrive.

I have been struggling the last couple of days. Its like babies aren't really real! I don't have any close around me, I see other women, but I think perhaps they are just a figment of my imagination.

This is a little selfish of me I guess, but when I found out my friend lost her baby on Wednesday, of course I was completely gutted and devastated for her, but I was also upset because I was really really looking forward to having a baby around. She only lives just down the road from me, and I have never really been around babies. I know it wouldn't put the fire out in my heart how much I want my own, but to just have one close would be so nice. DH's family have kids but they don't live near us, and none of our other friends are at that point yet. I have the friend that is due 1 week before I was and I am looking forward to going over and seeing her little man when he arrives, but she lives so far away too :(

I was also upset because seeing her pg made me start to believe in the miracle of pregnancy again. To believe it was possible. There are a couple of other girls in our TTC pg too but they still aren't flesh and blood to me yet. Hopefully one day we can meet but it still isn't real. To see a friend close by slowly grow her little bump and to get excited with her about EVERYTHING, I was really excited about pregnancy again. But its all gone. I know we will still go through the journey together but she will be sadly cynical like me now :( No matter how much you want to believe everything will be OK, deep down in your gut you will always fear the worst, because you know how the worst really feels!

I just can't see the dream becoming a reality at this point. I know I will be a mum, but I guess until I feel the baby move inside of me, or hold it in my arms, I am too scared to believe it will happen.

Lots of rambling today! Mainly because I am tired and still completely over work! I would be going on maternity leave soon. hmmm :( I am still very sad about that, but its different now. I am more upset about the chance of miscarriage. Firstly I never thought it would happen to me, let alone twice, but to see it happen so much around me too. I know there is nothing I can do about it, just wish i had a little magic ball I could see into the future and see if my next pregnancy will be OK. I think if I know I would loose it, even though I know its the course of life, I would still get pregnant, but I wouldn't be attached as I would know what was coming. But if I see its successful then I would be able to cherish the pregnancy instead of stressing about it.

Oh I am going to stop rambling now that probably isn't making any sense at all.

Lost for words

I really don't know what to say today! I am so angry, a friend of mine found out yesterday her baby didn't make it. It is one of the HARDEST things to ever go through. Off to a scan all nervous, worried something could be wrong but excited to see bub, then the technician telling you your baby has died. Its like those words just echo in your head as its starts spinning, and your whole world just crashes down around you. The next few days/weeks are a complete blur as you try to pull yourself together.

I know nothing I can say or do will make it any better for her, I will just be there for her when ever she needs me, but I just wish so much that I could take this pain away for her.

I just don't get it. She is young, healthy, she TTC for 12months before she got this one, genetically her eggs should have been great. Her DH has super sperm so they should have been fine too. WHY! I know I went through all these questions too, but for me I had only been off the pill 3 months and we are older so egg viability could be a problem. But not for her!

COME ON! this world is really starting to give me the complete irrats! Women who actually want babies are REALLY REALLY struggling yet there are so many women everyday walking into abortion clinics! if stats have anything to go by if they just wait they might loose it anyway! Knowing there luck though because they don't want it they will get to keep it!

I am just so angry about it all! I hate that the innocence and joy of pregnancy has been yet again stripped from another beautiful woman!

I know her pain and because of this I am so gutted, I can't stop crying. My thoughts will be with her all day as she goes through the final physical step and then for the next few months as she battles the emotional heartache.

quick update from me CD20 and still no ovulation! PLEASE let AF arrive next Friday PLEASE! Going by the luck of things, it wont arrive and there goes June! :(

CD19/4weeks

So we are CD19! still no Ovualation, but things may be looking up. Water CM started again yesterday, may have been a little dob of EW. Ovulation pain started on the left this morning, so perhaps my body gave up on the right ovary and the left is now giving it a go.

Emailed my OB yesterday. He was saying to wait out this cycle, he said it could be anovulatory or I did ovulate by my temp just didn't go up. I doubt that but he is always optimistic! he said he can send me forms, for tests on CD21 to see if I have, if he sends them I will get it checked, if not oh well, not really going to change anything. He wants to go the next cycle clean, and if that still doesn't work, we can TTC the next cycle and he will prescribe something to help with ovulation.

So depending on when this cycle actually finishes we are still on track. If it goes past the 27days out TTC will probably fall in July! which is CRAP but I am just holding out hope that things will stay on track!

Oh and we are down to 4 weeks till we can TTC again. although that may not be the case anymore because if my cycle extends this month ovulation will be pushed back next month and it will be cutting close to the 2nd June! no unprotected sex until after the next ovulation!

Broken Engine

So yet again another day and yet again my engine decided not to start!

I am starting to think this might be an anovulatory cycle. YAY! I am not sure if I should be happy or sad about that. On the up side, no eggs are wasted. On the down side its one big F**KED up cycle!

Even DH last night was a little concerned that I may not ovulate. He reaction was well go and see the Dr straight away we can't have that happening. I think he finally realised how important it is for my body to be working and why I am going through all this rubbish to make sure it is!

So I am going to try and wait patiently for CD21, if I still haven't ovulated by then I will email my Dr, I am not sure what he is going to say, but I think this would be the first time my body hasn't ovulated so now we are looking at something a little more serious! I always thought I would have no problem getting pg again, that thought is very rapidly fading!

I am lucky this week is going to be flat out at work. My manager is away and we have so much on, so it will keep my mind off things. Other wise I will just be all depressed!

I should be all excited that we get to TTC again next month, but with this stuffed up cycle we definitely need to wait another one to see if we can fix it, and if I still haven't ovulated yet, my body might have one of those dreaded 40day cycles, which pushes me out to July/Aug to trying again.

The more I think about it the sadder I get.

On another note had a very productive weekend. Have to love long weekends for that. We renovated the laundry so its all nice now. A few little things still do and add but mostly done. So thats another thing off my list. Soon I can start the nursery. I will paint it and do the cupboard and things, but I wont start furnishing it until I am pg :( which at this point is no where in sight!

CD21 is Friday! At least that is the weekend too!

*Full blog written in complete monotone! no happiness or sadness, just the feeling of infinite TTC!* I feel I have experienced enough from my journey, I have grown as a person, feel stronger in my character, and feel I am a much better, more compassionate and understanding person oh and of course more patient. I am ready to reach my destination now and you can now pass on this journey to someone else you feel needs it. I am guessing that is why I have been put through all this because I needed to be tested. You have tested me enough, seriously what else do I need to do to pass?

CD17 and still no ovulation WTF?

So its another day and still no ovulation! :( so completely crap and depressing!

Had a massive temp dip again today, so we will see what it brings! Not holding out much hope though! I just expected too much I suppose, the more I want something the further away it gets, well when its something that I can't control that is. If I could control it and put my mind and focus toward achieving it fine! but this there is no way I can make things happen. So the further away it slips.

Now I am in two minds about what to do. I want to contact my doctor to see what he says, but at the same time I know he will say oh just wait until AF arrives then we can go from there. Or wait another cycle and see what happens. I am 27 all I imagine is every month all my eggs just passing me bye! I don't have that many left!

AF is due next Friday so we will see I guess I am just to very very tired of this whole thing!

Also sick today :( start of a migraine me thinks, went to dinner at a friends place the other night and she made me some tea. Although it was herbal it was black and probably contained tannin :( so crap, because I had gone so long without one!

I guess its just wait,wait and wait some more!

Seriously SCREW YOU!

GRRR!

Thats about all I can manage right now! I mean come on! Still no sign of ovulation. CM had dried up completely. my body just has absolutely no idea what the F**K it is meant to be doing! Seriously body your 27 get a grip! you have been at this a VERY long time now it should just be 2nd nature by now!

so I am CD16 now, my guess at least a couple of days still, which is just slowly shortening my LP! YAY!

I have taken out my opk's from last cycle, just going simply on temperature. It says C14 with a 12day LP. I can't take too much on the CD for ovulation though because It was after the m/c and the bleeding wasn't really AF it was part of the m/c, just happened to be light bleeding so FF put it down as a new cycle, and timing wise it was perfect for CD's for the next cycle!

I just have this horrible feeling that June is going to go poof into thin air! just plan outright SUCKS!

I am so over it today! I mean why the f**k is it so god damn hard to have a baby,when there are so many women out there popping them out like there is no tomorrow. So many accidents! AGH this is just making me angrier! hmm going to meet Nani for coffee and then going to work! Coffee good, work BAD! on the plus side no one will be at work, and there is no work tomorrow! YAY! hmm still shitty!